The One Where Rachel Quits

Unknown:A dog that old shouldn't be allowed to fly a plane.

Rachel:Oh, so you want me to train the new girl?

Gunther:No, Rachel. You're the new girl. We're training you.

Rachel:What? I've been working here for years!

Gunther:Exactly. We're just now getting around to it.

Rachel:Retraining? I don't need retraining. I'm a natural!

Chandler:Thank you for supporting the Brown Birds!

Chandler:*makes bird sound*

Child:You're not very good at tennis.

Ross:Well, I'll have you know I was on the high school tennis team!

Child:Yeah, and you lost every match.

Ross:I was exploring my athletic potential!

Ross:I do not shriek!

Chandler:Dude, you shriek like a little girl.

Ross:I shriek like a man!

Ross:Okay, so you want to learn the proper tennis serve? Watch this. *makes whooshing sound effects* See how smooth that was?

Child:*gets hit by tennis ball*

Ross:Oh my God! Are you okay?!

Ross:I was hit by a tennis ball machine.

Chandler:How is that even possible?

Ross:Well, I was trying to retrieve a ball, and I didn't see it coming, and it just kept firing.

Joey:Dude, you got taken out by a machine.

Chandler:Well, that would explain the Muppet attack on Sesame Street.

Ross:What should I bring to the hospital to cheer her up?

Monica:Oh, flowers are always nice.

Chandler:Or a magazine. Something to read while she's recuperating.

Chandler:Or you know, a get-well balloon. Those are always cheerful.

Chandler:Although, if she's really badly injured, you might want to bring a living will and a DNR form. Just to be practical.

Monica:You're going to go see her?

Ross:Yeah, I'm gonna go to the hospital.

Chandler:Well, you better hurry. I hear they're running out of rooms for people who've been hit by a bus.

Phoebe:Oh, good luck with your Christmas tree job!

Phoebe:Wait, no! No, no, no. Oh my God, Joey, how could you?! Those trees have feelings!

Phoebe:I don't like Christmas trees. It's like they chop down all these beautiful trees and just leave them there to die. It's like they're corpses. Decorated corpses.

Phoebe:How do you sleep at night?

Joey:On my side, usually. Sometimes on my back. I try not to sleep on my stomach because it's bad for your spine.

Joey:No, no, no, Phoebe, listen. The trees *want* to be cut down. It's their destiny.

Phoebe:Trees don't have destinies, Joey.

Joey:Yes they do! Think about it—a tree grows up, gets big and strong, and then what? It becomes a table. That's the circle of life!

Phoebe:That's not the circle of life.

Joey:It's like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, except the butterfly is IKEA furniture.

Joey:Think about it! Trees are like tourists, right? They want to see the city, experience new things. So we bring them inside, show them around our apartments, and they're like, 'Wow, look at this place!' And then after a few days they're like, 'Okay, I've seen enough, I'm ready to go home now.'

Rachel:I know how to put a tray down. I've been doing this for years.

Gunther:Have you considered the floor?

Rachel:Oh my God, I just realized we could organize the coffee cups by size! It would be so much more efficient!

Gunther:Rachel, that's called inventory management. We've been doing that for years.

Rachel:Oh.

Rachel:Wait, what's a 'tray spot'? Is that like a new restaurant or something?

Monica:Rachel, it's a 'tray spot'... like where you put your tray.

Rachel:Oh! I thought it was like a trendy place to hang out!

Ross:Well, look on the bright side. At least you won't have to sell Girl Scout cookies.

Ross:You know, maybe not selling cookies is actually a good thing.

Sarah:What? Are you crazy? I wanted to sell them for an amazing prize!

Ross:Taj Mahal? Oh, you mean the famous Indian monument!

Rachel:No, Ross. It's the casino in Atlantic City.

Risking child's college fund on gambling

Ross:What's the second prize?

Sarah:A gift certificate.

Ross:What does a girl want that her dad can't sell for gambling money?

Girl:I want to watch the astronauts on TV!

Neighbor:Sure, but you'll have to watch it from my apartment. My TV is positioned right by the window.

Girl:Why can't we watch it at my place?

Neighbor:Because I can't afford cable, so I have to stand outside your window and watch through yours.

Ross:Would you like to buy some delicious Girl Scout cookies?

Woman:Aren't you a man?

Ross:I'm an honorary Girl Scout.

Woman:No you're not.

Ross:Well, an honorary Brown Bird is someone who didn't actually go to Brown, but we let them hang out with us anyway.

Rachel:Wait, so I'm an honorary Brown Bird?

Ross:Yeah.

Rachel:But I went to Brown!

Ross:Right, but you missed all the sleepovers.

Rachel:I'm calling the police!

Ross:Wait, wait, wait! My sister is very sick!

Rachel:I don't care. I'm calling them now.

Phoebe:Look at that tree. Does that look like a happy tree to you?

Phoebe:Oh my God, they keep the old trees separate? That's tree segregation! We need to plant trees of all ages together so they can learn from each other's rings.

Phoebe:What happens to old trees?

Joey:They get chipped.

Phoebe:Oh! I thought 'chipper' meant they were happy!

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! They're gonna dump me in the wood chipper! They're gonna dump me in the wood chipper!

Phoebe:Oh my God, these are so cute! Look, there's baby Jesus!

Monica:Yeah, they're Christmas cookies. See? Santa, the reindeer, baby Jesus...

Phoebe:I want the Jesus ones with the cream filling in the middle.

Monica:Phoebe, no!

Chandler:Do you have any coconut-flavored religious figures?

Ross:How about Oreo-style cookies shaped like menorahs?

Ross:You need eight cookies for Hanukkah. One for each night.

Chandler:So you're buying eight cookies?

Ross:Well, I'm getting the eight-pack.

Chandler:That's perfect!

Ross:No, no, no. She ate them first, and then Dad bought her more boxes.

Monica:I can't eat another cookie. I'm on a diet.

Ross:Come on, just one more.

Monica:No, Ross. I said no.

Ross:Everyone else is eating cookies.

Monica:I don't care what everyone else is doing!

Ross:If you don't eat a cookie, you're not cool.

Monica:Are you seriously peer pressuring me right now?

Gunther:Rachel, when you trap a spider, you need to use the proper procedure. First, you get a cup, then you slide a piece of paper underneath it.

Rachel:Okay, I got it.

Gunther:The key is to keep the cup steady so the spider doesn't escape. And whatever you do, do NOT tap on the cup three times.

Rachel:Why would I tap on it?

Gunther:Because that's what spiders expect, and it makes them angry.

Rachel:Well, I've been thinking really positively about it.

Rachel:You're always telling everyone else to face their fears. So why don't you take your own advice?

Chandler:Because I'm too scared.

Rachel:I don't want to be 30 and still working here.

Gunther:Well, I'm 28.

Rachel:I don't care.

Rachel:I don't care.

Rachel:I don't care anymore. I quit!

Rachel:I quit my job at Central Perk.

Monica:You what?

Chandler:Wait, wait. Does this mean no more free coffee?

Joey:That was the only reason we hung out there!

Ross:I thought we hung out there because it was our place.

Phoebe:No, definitely the free coffee.

Chandler:Could I BE any more mature?

Monica:Ross, I need more cookies.

Ross:Monica, you need to stop. You're eating too many cookies. You have a problem.

Monica:I do not have a problem! I can stop whenever I want.

Ross:That's what all addicts say.

Monica:I am not an addict! Now give me the cookies!

Monica:I'm fine with it. I can stop anytime I want.

Chandler:Really? Because there are cookie crumbs all over your face, and there's a trail of them leading to your bedroom.

Ross:Well, I found my target demographic. Stoned college students with the munchies.

Ross:Yeah, so I sold like fifty copies to these guys in Washington Square Park. They were all totally baked.

Chandler:Wow, that's great!

Ross:I know! And they started calling me 'The Paleontologist.' But then they shortened it to 'The P-Man.' *lowers voice* The P-Man is in the house.

Monica:Your resume is in 72-point font?

Rachel:Well, I didn't have much to say.

Rachel:I mean, what kind of person comes up with that? 'Fear'? It's not even a real concept, Chandler!

Joey:Hey, what's going on?

Rachel:Don't ask.

Joey:Christmas looky!

Phoebe:This tree is perfect for you. It's dying, which means it's ready to become one with the universe.

Customer:But I want a healthy tree.

Phoebe:See, that's where you're wrong. This tree's destiny is to be in your home. Fighting it is only going to bring you pain.

Monica:Wait a minute... that's my tree! That's the tree I threw out!

Monica:Phoebe, are you okay? You seem sad about the holidays.

Monica:Is it because of your mom?

Phoebe:What? No! I'm upset because they don't make those little baby steaks anymore!

Child:You're a scrud!

Ross:A what?

Child:A scrud. That's a scumbag and a crud.

Ross:What does 'scrud' mean?

Ben:It means you.

Ross:Well, it means you!

Girl Scout Leader:We've sold 47,000 boxes of cookies!

Parent:That's... that's it?

Ross:I didn't buy them! I have a medical condition. Nougat deficiency.

Chandler:That's not a real thing.

Ross:Well, my doctor says it is!

Ross:I didn't lose fair and square. My opponent had an unfair advantage—she used her access to a military base and her adult sister who works there to get industrial-grade baking equipment. That's not competition, that's cheating!

Rachel:I mean, who does she think she is? She's like, 'Oh, I'm so sophisticated, I only eat organic, free-range swans.' And the way she says it—'swans'—like it's the most disgusting thing in the world.

Chandler:You know what I love about Christmas? It's the only time of year when it's socially acceptable to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy until you feel sick.

Joey:That's just a regular Tuesday for me.

Chandler:No, no, the real joy of Christmas is watching Santa get chased out of the mall by security.

Chandler:These trees look like they're from a horror movie.

Monica:They're not that bad.

Chandler:Not that bad? They look like zombies!

Rachel:God bless us, every one.

Rachel:This is your last cup of coffee here.

Customer:Actually, I ordered tea.

Monica:Let her have this moment.

Chandler:Yeah, it's her last day.

Ross:We're not correcting it.

Phoebe:That would just ruin everything.

Joey:Just drink the coffee.

Rachel:I am never making coffee again. I'm done. It's over.

Monica:Okay.

Rachel:I mean it this time. No more coffee. That chapter of my life is closed.

Instructor:Alright everyone, let's start with the basics. First, you'll need to learn how to brew a proper cup of coffee.

Rachel:So... how much water do you use?

Ross:10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... *hits head* Ow!

Ross:Greetings, I am Zorp from the planet Zorptron. I have traveled 47 light years to meet you.