The One Where Rachel Quits

Well, as old as he is in dog years...do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?

Oh, sure. Do you need me to train somebody new? / Ha-ha-ha. Good one. Actually, uh, Terry wants you to take the training again.

Rachel scoffs and shows disbelief at having to retrain

On behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. [TWEETS]

Just admit it. You have no backhand. / Excuse me, little one. I have a very solid backhand.

Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl...is not a backhand. / I was shrieking...like a Marine.

All right, here, watch me execute the three P's of championship play. Power, huah...precision, shew...and panache. [SARAH SCREAMS]

You broke a little girl's leg?

It says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around 10-ish?

What do you think she'd like? / Maybe a Hello Kitty doll? / The ability to walk?

Look out, kids. He's coming.

Have fun. Oh, wait. No, don't. I forgot. I am totally against that now.

No, no. I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime...and their corpses grotesquely dressed...in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights.

Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around.

Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. They're fulfilling their life purpose by making people happy.

Yes, and, uh, the trees are happy too...because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York.

Gunther, Gunther, please. I have worked here for two and a half years. I know the empty trays go over there. / What if you put them here?

You know what? You should have the other waitresses do that too. / They already do. / That's why they call it 'the tray spot.'

I always heard them talk about that. I just thought it was a club they went to.

Your dad tells me you get a couple of days off school...and you don't have to sell those cookies anymore.

Well, I kind of wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Space Camp...and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.

I think you'd have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India. / No, the one in Atlantic City. Dad loves the slots.

He says he's gonna double the college money my grandma left me.

And what is second prize? / A 10-speed bike. / But I'd rather have something my dad couldn't sell.

Since we don't have a TV, the lady across the alley...said she'd push hers up to her window so I can watch it.

You're no Brown Bird. I can see you through my peephole.

Uh, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleepovers.

I can dial 911 at the press of a button, you know. Now, go away. / Please, please. It's for a poor little girl...who wants to go to Space Camp more than anything in the world. / I'm pressing.

Yikes. That one doesn't look very fulfilled.

You keep the old ones in the back? That is so ageist.

Well, they go into the chipper. / Why do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

Phoebe's horrified reaction to the wood chipper sound and yelling

All right. I'll take a box of the cream-filled Jesuses.

All right, do you have any, uh, coconut-flavored deities? / No, but there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menorah-eos.

I'll put you down for eight boxes, one for each night.

No, Mon, Dad had to buy every one of your boxes...because you ate them all.

Oh, God, I gotta go. / Come on. All the cool kids are eating them.

And later I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders...under coffee mugs and leave them there.

Well, I'm also sending out...good thoughts.

How come you're still at a job you hate? Why don't you quit and get The Fear? / [BOTH LAUGH] Because I'm too afraid.

Yeah, that'd be much worse than being 28 and still working here.

I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. I don't care where the tray spot is. I just don't care. This is not what I wanna do. So I don't think I should do it anymore.

Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee?

I spelled out 'boobies.' Ha, ha.

Monica, I'm cutting you off. / No. No. Just a couple more boxes. It's no big deal, all right? I'm cool.

Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck.

That's when it occurred to me. The key to my success: The munchies. So I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight.

They call me...[IN DUMB VOICE] ...'Cookie Dude.'

Well, you sure used a large font. / Uh, yeah. Well, 'Waitress at a Coffeehouse'...and 'Cheer Squad Co-captain' only took up so much room.

You and your stupid Fear. I hate your Fear. I would like to take you and your Fear... / Hey. I got great news. / Run, Joey. Run for your life.

Snow-in-a-Can. I got it at work. You want me to decorate the window? Give it kind of a Christmas looky?

It's almost dead. But that's why you have to buy it, so that it can fulfill its Christmas destiny.

Is this the one that I threw out last year?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so emotional. I guess it's just... The holidays are just hard. / Oh, honey, is that because your mom died around Christmas? / Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

I'm not gonna tell you. You're the bad man who broke Sarah's leg. / Hey, now. That was an accident, okay? / You're a big scrud.

What's a scrud? / Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud? / I don't have to. I can just look at you.

Eight hundred and seventy-one. / That's crap.

Although it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself. / Ahem. That is because my doctor says that I have a very serious...nougat...deficiency.

Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old sister...who went down to the USS Nimitz and sold over 2000 boxes.

Last night she was...teaching everybody how to make napkins into...[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] ...swans.

Well, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself really perked up my Christmas.

Looks like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.

Oh! God bless us, every one.

Should I tell her I ordered tea? / No. / No. / No.

Now, Mr. Kaplan Sr. Likes his coffee strong. So you're gonna use two bags instead of one, see? Now, pay attention because this part's tricky. See, some people use filters just once.

[IN ECHOEY VOICE] Ten, ten, ten. Nine, nine, nine. Eight, eight, eight. Ow.

[IN FALSETTO VOICE] I'm an alien. I'm an alien.