The One With Phoebes Uterus

Frank Jr.:Well, actually, we've been trying to have a baby for three years now. My sperm count is surprisingly low for a man of my virility.

Alice:And I have a slight tilt to my uterus, which apparently makes it harder for the fertilized egg to implant.

Frank Jr.:We've been to four different fertility specialists. The last one said the problem might be my whole body.

Alice:So, if you could just throw some money at our infertility, that would be great.

Frank Jr.:So the procedure involves hormone injections to stimulate egg production, followed by retrieval under anesthesia, then fertilization in vitro, and finally embryo transfer to the uterus.

Alice:We've been reading all the medical literature.

Frank Jr.:And we were wondering... Phoebe, would you be our surrogate?

Phoebe:It is a really nice gift.

Phoebe:I was just gonna get you a toaster.

Frank Jr.:You don't need to give me an answer right away about the surrogacy thing.

Frank Jr.:But we do need an answer right now about whether you can give us a ride to the train station.

Joey:Okay, guess what job I got!

Monica:Oh! Is it something where you get to wear a blazer? Because I saw this amazing blazer at Barneys, and I thought, 'Joey would look so great in that blazer.' You know, with the right blazer, you could really pull off the whole 'I'm a successful businessman' thing. I mean, not that you're not successful now, but a blazer really says 'I've got my life together,' and—

Joey:Monica! Are you going to guess the job or just keep talking about blazers?

Monica:So I said to him, 'That blazer really suits you!'

Joey:Wait, what? It suits him? Like, the blazer is a person now?

Monica:No, Joey, it's just a figure of speech. It means it looks good on him.

Joey:Oh. Then why didn't you just say that?

Joey:That joke doesn't work.

Monica:Oh, so now you're stupid?

Joey:So this dinosaur here is actually a Brachiosaurus, one of the largest creatures to ever walk the Earth.

Ross:Actually, Joey, Brachiosaurus was a sauropod, and it was a quadruped, so it didn't walk—it stood on all fours. Also, the fossil record suggests they were primarily herbivorous and lived during the Jurassic period, approximately 154 to 153 million years ago.

Joey:Right, right. That's... that's what I said.

Ross:It's the Mesozoic Era, Joey. It's pronounced 'Mesozoic.'

Joey:I know how to say it. I just don't know what it means.

Rachel:Wait, they want you to have their baby? Like, they want you to... with Frank Jr.?

Phoebe:No, no, no. I'm going to be a surrogate mother.

Rachel:Oh my God, Phoebe, that's so nice of you! But how are you going to do that? I mean, don't you have to... with Frank Jr.?

Monica:No, Rachel. They use a turkey baster.

Rachel:Oh! Oh, okay, that makes so much more sense!

Phoebe:Oh my God! That is so sick and wrong!

Phoebe:Okay, so it's like baking a cake, right? You get all your ingredients together, you mix them up, and then you put it in the oven. And nine months later, you have a baby. I mean, a cake.

Phoebe:Being a surrogate is giving someone the greatest gift.

Chandler:What, a Dyson vacuum?

Monica:I want my first baby to be with someone I love.

Monica:You know, someone who's a keeper.

Phoebe:You know, when I wanted to be a astronaut, everyone supported me. But when I want to be a surrogate mother, suddenly it's 'Phoebe, that's crazy'!

Rachel:You should talk to someone who's had a baby. Like your mom.

Phoebe:Well, I could talk to my birth mom, but she gave me up for adoption. Or I could talk to my adoptive mom, but she's never actually had a baby.

Rachel:Monica, can I borrow your tushy for work tomorrow?

Monica:My tushy? Rachel, it's not a handbag. I need it.

Rachel:Oh come on, just for one day!

Monica:No! What if I need to sit down at work? What am I supposed to do then?

Monica:You know, Chandler, that was actually really sweet and romantic.

Chandler:Really? You think so?

Monica:No, I'm just messing with you. You're terrible at this.

Monica:You're lying. You didn't break up with her for romantic reasons.

Chandler:Okay, you got me. I lied.

Ross:It's like stage fright, you know? When you're up there under the lights and everyone's watching, sometimes your... performance just doesn't come through.

Chandler:Or, and I'm just spitballing here, you could just say you can't get it up.

Chandler:I want to say something, but I feel like it's a bad idea.

Ross:What?

Chandler:No, no, no. I'm gonna get in trouble.

Ross:Just say it.

Chandler:Okay. We know.

Chandler:Oh my God, is Joey okay? I keep hearing these weird noises through the wall.

Monica:What kind of noises?

Chandler:Like... moaning and groaning and 'Oh yes! Oh yes!'

Monica:Chandler, that's just Joey with a girl.

Chandler:Well, they must really agree on everything.

Chandler:Oh, so you want me to sleep with her as a favor to you?

Joey:Hey, that's not what the museum said!

Visitor:The museum? Joey, that's completely wrong.

Joey:Well, according to the rules at the museum, you're not allowed to correct people about dinosaurs. It's, uh, bad luck. Yeah, they have a whole sign about it.

Joey:So this painting here is... a painting. It has colors. Some people like paintings. I like paintings. You like paintings? Anyway, moving on...

Phoebe:I'm so sorry I'm late. I was at my mom's place and we were doing this thing together, and it just kept going and going...

Phoebe's birth mom:We were making a pot! On the wheel!

Phoebe:Yeah, and my hands were all wet and slippery...

Phoebe:I've been really getting into pottery lately. It's very sensual, you know? The way the clay just moves in your hands...

Phoebe:I call it 'potterotica.'

Birth Mom:You know, giving you up was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to give up my baby.

Phoebe:Oh my God! You're gonna take away my puppy?!

Phoebe's Birth Mom:Phoebe, I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about my life, and you're not even listening.

Phoebe:I know, I know, I'm sorry. It's just... look at his little paws!

Phoebe's Birth Mom:This is exactly what happened when you were growing up. I'd try to teach you something important, and you'd just... zone out.

Phoebe:That's not true! I listened to everything you taught me.

Phoebe's Birth Mom:Really? What did I teach you?

Phoebe:Um... that if you want someone to pay attention to you, you should be small and adorable and have big eyes?

Phoebe's Birth Mom:Oh my God. I think I see the problem now.

Phoebe:Yeah, I made this pottery piece that's kind of shaped like... well, like a butt.

Phoebe's birth mom:That's beautiful, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Thanks, Mom.

Joey:Dr. Geller? Why are they calling him 'Doctor'? What's his nickname, 'The Surgeon'?

Chandler:He's an actual doctor, Joey. He has a PhD.

Joey:Oh. So like, what, they just decided to call him 'Doctor' instead of 'Ross'? That's a cool nickname.

Joey:Why do we have to sit in separate sections at the museum?

Rhonda:What do you mean 'why'? It's called civilization, Joey. We can't just have people sitting wherever they want. That's anarchy. Next thing you know, we'll have no rules, no order, just complete chaos.

Rhonda:The museum seating chart is the foundation of our society. Break that, and the whole system collapses.

Rhonda:Remember in third grade when I shared my pudding cup with you? That was the beginning of our friendship.

Former Classmate:I don't remember that at all.

Rhonda:Well, I do. And I think we should be best friends now because of it.

Monica:I eat alone in my office.

Joey:Look, it's just like in the theater. You're on stage, you're in character, you don't break character.

Chandler:Yeah, except in the theater, the other actors don't walk by your dressing room and you ignore them.

Chandler:Hey, that puppy looks like it's been through a rough few years. I'm pretty sure that's what Keith Richards will look like when he's a dog.

Chandler:Well, I'm not Joey. I don't need to make a big production out of it.

Joey:Hey! There's nothing wrong with passion, man. When I'm with a woman, she knows she's been with Joey Tribbiani!

Chandler:Yeah, well, when I'm with a woman, she doesn't need me to narrate the experience like it's a sporting event.

Chandler:How do I improve my sexual performance?

Joey:Well, you want to hear sounds of murder.

Monica:See, this is a diagram of all the female erogenous zones.

Chandler:Oh my God... I'm not even gonna need the Cliff Notes version.

Monica:Well, you know, if you're having trouble finding it, maybe you should try a different position.

Chandler:A different position? Monica, I've tried every position in the book!

Monica:Well, maybe you need a different book.

Monica:It's like Disneyland - you can't just stay in one place.

Chandler:Well, zone seven would be worth extended focus.

Monica:We like to keep you on your toes.

Chandler:Yeah, well, for some people, that's erogenous.

Monica:Okay, so you start with one, two, three, four, five, six... seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven.

Ross:Joey actually taught me something very valuable about the different sections of the museum. And I realized that's kind of like life, you know? You have your Egyptian wing, your Renaissance wing... and then you have that one storage room in the basement where you keep all the stuff you're not really sure about.

Ross:Come on, everyone. Let's just open up and share something personal about ourselves.

Ross:I'll start. My name is Ross. I'm a paleontologist. I work at the museum.

Ross:I'm divorced. And I'm... I'm okay with that.

Joey:Yeah, well, I have no idea what I'm doing at the museum either.

Andrew:I'm Andrew. And I didn't pay for this pear.

Rhonda:I got breast implants.

Scott:I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I can't stop washing my hands, checking things over and over. It's been destroying my life.

Chandler:Oh man, that sounds really tough.

Scott:Yeah, well it gets worse. Last week I checked the stove so many times, I burned the house down.

Monica:Oh my God!

Scott:And then I couldn't stop checking the ashes.

Chandler:It's like that scene in Casablanca where Rick has to choose between his love and doing the right thing.

Joey:What's Casablanca?

Chandler:Oh, it's only the greatest movie ever made. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman... it's a real tear-jerker.

Joey:Is it on HBO?

Chandler:It's from 1942, so probably not... but you should really see it.

Phoebe:I can't be a surrogate. I just... I can't do it.

Phoebe:But you know what? I could donate one of my organs. I have two kidneys. I only really need one.

Phoebe:Or a lung! I could totally give you a lung!

Alice:Oh my God, this puppy is so cute! What's his name?

Alice:Wait... you named him Lupus? Like the disease?

Alice:That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard!

Monica:I have a puppy?