The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie

Joey:How many can I fit?

Chandler:Joey, no—

Joey:Fifteen! New personal record!

Monica:That's not a record to be proud of.

Joey:Are you kidding? I'm gonna write this down in my book of achievements.

Ross:Well, I have a very specific dating strategy. First, I identify a woman I'm interested in. Then I memorize her schedule, learn about her interests by going through her trash, and position myself 'accidentally' in her path at least three times a week.

Monica:Ross, that's not a dating strategy, that's stalking.

Ross:It's only stalking if she knows about it.

Ross:I tell women I'm a paleontologist.

Chandler:Let me guess, they think you said 'rapist'?

Joey:Hey, I'm not prejudiced. I'm just saying, nobody good is from New Jersey.

Joey:Hey, Poughkeepsie is a great city!

Ross:No, no, it's not. I mean, look, every region has its own sense of humor. Like, New Yorkers make fun of New Jersey, Californians make fun of Iowa...

Ross:So it's not personal, Joey. Poughkeepsie is just... the New Jersey of New York.

Phoebe:I'm writing a song about my life. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it!

Phoebe:This is MY song, and it's perfect just the way it is!

Chandler:Two weeks old? Two weeks old?! What am I supposed to do with a two-week-old newspaper? I can't wrap fish in it, I can't line the bottom of a bird cage with it... it's old news! Literally!

Rachel:I hate being alone during the holidays.

Rachel:Maybe I should call someone.

Rachel:You know what? I'm just going to put myself out there.

Rachel:I'm available! I'm single and I'm available!

Rachel:You know, I want a man!

Joey:Wait, you mean girls actually want to just have a fling? No strings attached?

Rachel:Yeah, why is that so surprising?

Joey:I don't know, I just... I thought all girls wanted relationships.

Rachel:Well, sometimes we just want to have fun. I flung with that guy from the gym last month.

Rachel:It's been a long time since I've been flung.

Joey:Well, I could help you with that.

Rachel:Why didn't you ever offer to set me up before?

Chandler:Well, I did try to set you up with my supervisor, but then I realized I was in love with Monica, so I kind of went through this phase where I was sabotaging everyone's happiness.

Chandler:It's not a pretty time in my life, but we don't need to get into it.

Rachel:I mean, a paleontologist? That's like, the most boring job ever.

Ross:Excuse me, paleontology is a fascinating field of study.

Rachel:Yeah, okay, but you spend all day looking at dead dinosaur bones. How is that not boring?

Ross:Because these 'dead dinosaur bones' tell us about the history of life on Earth!

Rachel:Right, and that's... less boring than my job how, exactly?

Monica:Look at this hat I found. It says 'Quit, Bitch.'

Chandler:Oh, that's not 'Quit, Bitch.' That's 'Quit, B*tch' — it's inspirational!

Chandler:I'm just trying to help! Could I BE any more supportive?

Monica:By doing what, exactly? Making jokes while I'm upset?

Chandler:Well, yeah. That's kind of my thing. And frankly, I'm hurt that you don't appreciate my efforts.

Monica:I can't believe what happened at work today. They were bullying me on the see-saw.

Chandler:On the see-saw? Monica, you work in an office.

Monica:I know! They have a specialized see-saw just for bullying people. It's very efficient.

Joey:Orson Welles, he used to intimidate actors on set, right? Make them feel small, make them feel like they don't know what they're doing. That's how he got the best performances.

Joey:So I tried that at the restaurant. I walked up to this busboy and I said, 'You're doing it all wrong. You're not worthy of these tables.' And you know what? He quit.

Joey:Turns out Orson Welles' technique works better with trained actors than with guys making minimum wage.

Joey:I'll do it! I'll be the one you hire and fire!

Monica:Joey, that's not how it works.

Joey:Why not? I'm a great actor. I can act like I'm surprised.

Monica:We can't just hire someone to immediately fire them.

Joey:Why? I'm available!

Joey:Wait, so you fired me just to make yourself look good to your boss?

Monica:I had to let someone go, and you were expendable.

Joey:Expendable? I'm Joey Tribbiani!

Monica:It's like Orson Welles and the rosebud.

Joey:What? Who's Orson Welles?

Chandler:I'm not asking you out. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Chandler:I'm just saying, I'm not asking you out right now.

Chandler:Though if I were to ask someone out, it wouldn't necessarily not be you.

Drew:What?

Chandler:I'm digging myself into a hole here, aren't I?

Drew:So you're saying you dated Hot Rachel?

Chandler:Well, her name is Rachel Green, but yes.

Drew:No, I mean Hot Rachel.

Chandler:I'm not sure what you're asking. Is her legal name Hot Rachel Green? Because I'm pretty sure it's just Rachel.

Chandler:Eight years old? That's like, barely legal!

Phoebe:Oh, what a terrible name for a person!

Phoebe:Nothing rhymes with Rachel.

Rachel:What about bachelor? Detacher? Attacher?

Phoebe:Those don't rhyme with Rachel.

Rachel:Well, what about... umm... Pachelbel? No wait, that's a composer.

Rachel:Things that rhyme with Rachel... There's no Rachel, Pachel, Machel...

Ross:Well, there's the ache you'll feel tomorrow.

Phoebe:Okay, what about Budolph? Like Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but Budolph!

Chandler:I'm telling you, I have got the perfect guy for Rachel. This guy is great - he's smart, he's funny, he's got a good job...

Monica:Okay, so what's wrong with him?

Chandler:Nothing! There's nothing wrong with him!

Chandler:Well, okay, he's only five-foot-two, he's married, and he thinks the Holocaust was exaggerated.

Chandler:Guys are willing to make extreme financial sacrifices for a chance to go out with Rachel.

Chandler:You need to set up your 401K.

Rachel:My what?

Chandler:Your 401K. It's a retirement plan.

Rachel:Oh! I thought you said '401 K's' like robots or something. I was wondering why the office needed so many of them.

Rachel:Wait, so Chandler works in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration?

Monica:Yes, that's what he does.

Rachel:So he's basically a robot?

Chandler:No, Rachel, I'm not a robot.

Rachel:Well, you do process information and give us the answers we need... that sounds pretty robot-like to me.

Rachel:Chandler, what do you think about my new robotics company?

Chandler:A robotics company? That's great! So you're building robots that do... robot things?

Rachel:Yes, exactly! Robots that can help people with their daily tasks.

Chandler:Oh, so like a robot that makes coffee, does laundry, and judges your life choices? Because I think I married that.

Monica:Okay, I need to practice being more assertive. Can you help me?

Joey:Yeah, sure. What do you want to do?

Monica:Pretend you're someone I need to confront. Be difficult.

Joey:Okay, fine. I'm not leaving.

Monica:You need to go. Now.

Joey:Make me.

Monica:Get out!

Joey:Wow! Okay, okay, I'm going! That was scary!

Ross:Wait, did she just make a joke? I can't tell if that was funny or if she was serious.

Ross:Oh my God, what if she meant it literally? What if she actually thinks I'm a paleontologist who studies rocks that tell jokes?

Ross:No, no, that's ridiculous. But what if she's testing me? What if this is some kind of intelligence test and I'm failing?

Ross:Okay, I'm just going to assume it was a joke and laugh. *nervous laugh* Yeah, that was... that was great.

Joey:Is it hot in here, or is it just Monica?

Rachel:You know, Chandler, you always pick the most attractive guys.

Chandler:Well, thank you.

Rachel:I mean, the way you handle things... it's just impressive.

Rachel:He keeps sending me mixed signals! One minute he's interested, the next he's completely distant.

Monica:What kind of signals?

Rachel:Well, he texted me goodnight, but then he didn't text me good morning. He smiled at me, but then he looked away. He remembered my coffee order, but he forgot my birthday!

Chandler:Okay, I'm seeing a pattern here.

Rachel:Right? Mixed signals!

Chandler:No, the pattern is: he likes you, he's shy, and he's terrible with dates. Those signals aren't mixed, they're just... redundant.

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Joey:Actually, you know what? Tonight, I'm going to go by 'Flame.'

Joey:I want a cool nickname. Something that makes me sound tough and intimidating.

Chandler:Okay, like what?

Joey:I'm gonna call myself 'Dragon'.

Ross:Dragon?

Joey:Yeah! Joey 'Dragon' Tribbiani. It sounds cool, right?

Monica:Joey, that's not cool. That's ridiculous.

Joey:No, it's not! Dragons are awesome!

Joey:Hey, you know what? During the holidays, people are feeling generous. They tip real good. I made like two hundred bucks last week.

Joey:The key is to be friendly, make 'em feel special, you know? Flash that smile, remember their names, ask about their families.

Joey:Works every time. Well, works for tips anyway. The other stuff... that takes more finesse.

Monica:Why won't you just write down the specials?

Server:Because we like to pretend we're busy. If we write them down, we have nothing to do.

Monica:Okay, everyone, listen up. As the head chef, I need you all to understand that when I give an order, I expect it to be followed immediately.

Server:Did anyone else hear something?

Monica:I'm serious! This is important!

Server:I think it was just the wind.

Monica:He's not the new guy! He's been coming here for like three years!

Server:Yeah, well, he's new to me.

Monica:That's not how it works! You don't just get to rename people because you don't know them yet!

Joey:I'm not doing this for the money. I'm doing this because... because I care.

Joey:Okay, I'm doing it for the money.

Monica:What nice things are you going to say?

Joey:Well, I could say you have great bone structure, or that you're a very talented actress, or that you've always been a wonderful friend to me.

Monica:That's sweet.

Joey:Yeah, but I'd be lying. The truth is, you're getting older, your career hasn't really taken off, and frankly, I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to enjoy your cooking.

Rachel:I wish I was Jewish.

Phoebe:Why? So you could celebrate Hanukkah?

Rachel:No, I just think it would be cool.

Phoebe:Well, my grandmother was Jewish. She used to hang garlic around the house for Hanukkah.

Chandler:What was that song about?

Phoebe:Oh, it's about my cat.

Ross:Well, it's actually a lot more complex than that. The chord progression suggests a minor key, which typically conveys melancholy, and the unconventional structure implies a post-modern approach to feline-based songwriting.

Chandler:So... it's about her cat.

Ross:She's not racist, she just has a really bad sense of humor.

Ross:Like, spectacularly bad.

Chandler:I lived in Prague for a while.

Monica:You lived in Prague? Since when?

Chandler:Well, let's just say there are some things about my past that are better left... in Eastern Europe.

Chandler:I didn't have to lie about Rachel.

Chandler:Did I lie about her education?

Rachel:Oh my God, cute guys in shorts!

Chandler:Yeah, or as I like to call them, guys.

Chandler:Could you BE any more interested in that guy?

Rachel:Chandler, there's a time and a place for everything.

Rachel:And right now is not the time to ask me about my love life.

Cook:I no speak English.

Monica:But you just spoke English.

Cook:No, no. I no speak English.

Monica:I'm trapped and cold, and now I'm covered in sauce?!

Monica:It's not funny.

Joey:Hey, comedy is subjective, okay? What you find funny, I might not find funny. What I find funny, you might not find funny.

Monica:What's so funny? Stop laughing! If you don't stop right now, I'm going to go out there and do the show looking like this!

Ross:Hey, I just won twenty bucks betting myself I could get you to smile.

Unknown Woman:You didn't even talk to me yet.

Ross:I know. I'm very confident.

Rachel:You know what? Maybe this is a sign that we're not supposed to be together.

Ross:What? No! Rachel, we can make this work.

Rachel:How? You're in New York, I'm in Paris. This isn't going to get better, Ross. It's only going to get worse.

Ross:We'll figure it out—

Rachel:We're already in Montreal and things are already falling apart.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! How's Dragon doing?

Joey:Dragon's doing great. Dragon's very happy.

Joey:It's gonna be a lean Christmas.

Phoebe:Lean?! LEAN?!