The One With The Embryos

Rachel:Monica, what is that sound? I've been hearing it all night!

Monica:What sound? I don't hear anything.

Rachel:That! That weird noise! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Monica:Oh my God, that's not me!

Rachel:Well it's not coming from outside, and Chandler's not here, so...

Monica:I am not making rooster sounds, Rachel!

Rachel:Then explain the cock-a-doodle-dooing!

Monica · Rachel:Boy, you're really not a morning person. - Just back off!

Joey:Oh, don't worry about it. People change all the time. My friend just decided to transition, and now I call her by her new name and pronouns. It's like when I dyed my hair blonde that one time, except, you know, way more important and meaningful.

Chandler:I went to the doctor and he told me I'm turning into a woman.

Joey:What did you say?

Chandler:I said, 'Are you sure, or is that just your opinion?'

Rachel:Why are you up so early?

Chandler:The chick and the duck got out of their box again.

Rachel:Well, why is that my problem?

Chandler:Because the chick has been running around the apartment for like an hour, and I can't catch it!

Rachel:So what do you want me to do about it?

Chandler:Well, you're a woman. Maybe you can connect with it on some level.

Rachel:Chandler, it's a bird.

Chandler:A confused bird! It doesn't know if it's a man or a woman!

Ross:Animals shouldn't be in apartments.

Monica:Why not?

Ross:Well, I don't know, it's just not sanitary. Plus, what if they get loose?

Monica:They won't get loose.

Ross:Yeah, but what if they do? And what if you get hungry?

Phoebe:So I went to this fertility doctor, right? And he's asking me all these questions about my medical history. I'm like, 'Well, I've had seven pregnancies, but only three of them were intentional. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm sterile from that time I got struck by lightning. Also, my uterus is shaped like a question mark.'

Joey:Hey, I could examine your uterine lining for you.

Phoebe:That's okay, Joey.

Rachel:I can't believe you told him about my underwear rotation!

Monica:I didn't tell him, he asked me directly!

Rachel:Monica, nobody just asks about that!

Joey:Hey, if you ever need me to check anything else... medical... I'm here for you.

Chandler:Okay, I know Monica. She has this thing where she alphabetizes her spice rack.

Monica:That's not bizarre, that's organized!

Chandler:No, no, no. She alphabetizes it by the scientific name of the spice, not the common name. Cumin comes before paprika because of 'Cuminum' versus 'Capsicum.'

Monica:It makes sense!

Chandler:You alphabetize your towels by thread count, Monica!

Rachel:Okay, fine. You got it right. But they're not that good.

Chandler:I know they're not that good. I could taste that.

Ross:I challenge you to a duel!

Chandler:I accept your challenge. I shall meet you at dawn with sword in hand, and may the best man's honor be restored through combat most fierce and terrible.

Monica:Could you guys not do this in the living room?

Joey:Is it a… chicken?

Chandler:No! No, it's a turkey. How do you not know what a turkey is?

Joey:It's... a stapler.

Chandler:Well, I didn't know for sure, but I figured if I told her we needed tape to fix something, she'd believe me. She always does.

Joey:Yeah, and then we used it to tape Phoebe to the chair!

Joey:You owe me fifty bucks from that bet.

Joey:And I'm not gonna let this gravy train just fly under the bridge without barking up the wrong tree.

Joey:So you better pay up, or I'm gonna have to put my foot down and smell what the Rock is cooking.

Ross:Oh yeah, I'm gonna make up questions. I'm gonna make up questions, I'm gonna be the one asking all the questions, I'm gonna decide what everyone gets to talk about. Because that's not a lot of pressure or anything.

Doctor:Your uterus is ready for implantation.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm so thick!

Phoebe:Five embryos? Oh my God, I'm gonna have five babies!

Phoebe:I'm gonna be like a dog having puppies under the porch.

Phoebe:Well, why don't we just jam 200 embryos in there? I mean, if five have a low chance, surely 200 would have a better shot!

Frank Jr.:You stuff 'em in there, they come out brown.

Phoebe:That's what my mother said!

Phoebe:Oh my God, okay, I feel like my whole body is like a just a pile of eggs, you know? And they're all, like, rolling around, and they're like, 'Pick me, pick me!' And my uterus is like, 'Oh my God, the pressure!'

Frank Jr:Yeah, alcohol. That's how I got here.

Chandler:Monica's biggest pet peeve? She has an oddly specific and absurd phobia of cotton balls.

Monica:What phenomenon scares Chandler?

Chandler:Riverdance.

Chandler:Because he's a Lord of the Dance! *does awkward leg flailing* Look at me, I'm out of control!

Chandler:Your grandmother's name is Althea?

Joey:Yeah, Althea! Like 'Althea, I'll shoot ya!'

Ross:It says 'Chanandler Bong'

Ross:His name is Gandalf the Grey!

Chandler:Actually, it's Gandalf the... slightly off-white?

Phoebe:Hi, it's me, your temporary uterus. I know that you're going to have a really great life out there, but I just want you to know that I was here first.

Phoebe:Oh, don't worry little guys. You're gonna have a really great life. You'll get to live in a nice house, and you'll have a really nice family. They're gonna love you so much.

Phoebe:Oh, and don't be scared of the screaming. That's just mom.

Rachel:What was the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas burlesque show?

Chandler:Viva Las Gay-gas.

Monica:I'm really good at lightning rounds. I've studied the format, the pacing, the contestant psychology...

Chandler:Monica, it's a game show, not a dissertation.

Monica:Well, I've prepared index cards, color-coded by category difficulty.

Rachel:You're treating Jeopardy like it's the bar exam.

Monica:That's because I approach everything with academic rigor!

Ross:What do you mean 'if we want to bet'? We've been betting all along!

Monica:We need something with real stakes. Something that actually matters.

Chandler:Like what?

Monica:I don't know. Remember that rooster we had?

Joey:The one that wouldn't stop crowing?

Monica:Exactly. Whoever loses has to keep it for a week.

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm in. But if I win, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Chandler:A month? That's it? I'm betting my apartment.

Monica:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't bet the apartment!

Chandler:Why not? I'm confident!

Ross:Because if you lose, we all lose our home!

Chandler:Fine. I'll raise it. If I lose, you get the apartment AND the furniture.

Rachel:This is insane.

Phoebe:I'm in. If I lose, you can have my stuff too.

Joey:Wait, what stuff? You don't have stuff.

Chandler:Okay, final offer. Everything. The whole apartment. The building. I'm going big!

Rachel:Monica, are you sure about this?

Monica:Absolutely. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Rachel:Really? Because last time you said that, we ended up at the hospital.

Monica:That was different. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?

Monica:What was your field hockey nickname?

Joey:Oh, they called me 'The Wall.'

Monica:Why? Because you were so good at defense?

Joey:No, because I just stood there and they threw things at me.

Rachel:My favorite movie is Casablanca.

Chandler:Really? Because I'm pretty sure I saw you watching Dumb and Dumber for the 47th time last week.

Rachel:That's different!

Chandler:Yeah, it is. Casablanca is only two hours long.

Monica:What? No! It was stuck in my hair!

Chandler:Sure it was.

Monica:It was! I was doing my hair and it got caught and I couldn't get it out!

Joey:Uh-huh.

Monica:Why are you guys looking at me like that? Why would I... Oh my God!

Monica:Towels, hand towels, washcloths, fingertip towels, guest towels, beach towels, bath sheets, decorative towels, and... uh... sexy towels!

Joey:Sexy towels?

Monica:Don't ask.

Rachel:When did you first touch a girl's breast?

Chandler:I was twelve.

Ross:Chandler, you were twenty-three!

Rachel:Okay, okay, what is Chandler's job?

Chandler:I'm a statistical analysis and data reconfiguration—

Rachel:Time's up!

Chandler:I work in an office.

Joey:Why can't I sit in Monica's room? I always sit in Monica's room!

Chandler:Because you need to be in a booster seat.

Joey:I'm not a baby!

Chandler:Well, you weigh less than a turkey, so according to car seat regulations, you need to be in a booster seat.

Chandler:I'm telling you, I'm really sick. I feel terrible.

Joey:Yeah, you look terrible.

Chandler:Thanks.

Joey:You want me to bet you I can guess what's wrong with you?

Chandler:Okay.

Joey:I bet you the apartment.

Chandler:You're on!

Joey:You have a cold.

Chandler:Nope! It was my personality disorder!

Phoebe:I'm so stressed about being a surrogate. Everyone keeps telling me to 'relax and let nature take its course,' but I'm literally carrying someone else's baby. I can't just sit back and do nothing!

Monica:Phoebe, they just mean don't worry so much.

Phoebe:Well, they also told me to 'not push myself too hard,' so I've been trying not to push myself. But the baby needs to come out eventually, Monica. At some point, I'm gonna have to push!

Phoebe:Oh, I know I'm pregnant. I can feel it. My body is very intuitive. I'm like, way more pregnant than those tests say.

Rachel:I'm not honoring this bet.

Joey:What? Why not?

Rachel:Because it's a stupid bet.

Joey:No it's not. A bet's a bet. That's what makes it a bet.

Monica:Rachel, you lost the TV Guide again!

Chandler:Actually, Monica, we've been stealing it all along.

Monica:What? You two?

Chandler:Yeah, we needed to know what was on. You think it just disappears?

Phoebe:Oh, gravity is pulling all the blood to my head. I can feel it.

Monica:Okay, just lie down for a little bit.

Phoebe:No, it's not bad. I like it. It's like when you hang upside down and all the blood rushes to your jobbe.

Joey:Your what?

Phoebe:Your jobbe. You know, when you hang upside down, all the blood goes to your jobbe.

Rachel:I'm not moving. This apartment is perfect. It's clean, it's bright, it has great light...

Joey:Yeah, well my apartment has a toilet that flushes AND a shower that doesn't leak.

Rachel:That's not a feature, Joey, that's a basic requirement for human habitation.

Rachel:I have a very steady hand, okay? I'm completely fine. I'm totally fine.

Rachel:Why would you think I'm not fine? Do I seem not fine to you?

Rachel:See? Steady. Very steady hand. No shaking whatsoever.

Chandler:So how'd it go?

Joey:Well, the good news is I sold the couch.

Chandler:And the bad news?

Joey:I may have also sold your bed. And mine. But look on the bright side — we got a really good price on the entertainment center!

Phoebe:Oh, you gotta greet us... like Adidas!

Monica:Okay, be careful with that lollipop, you don't want to contaminate the test.

Phoebe:I'm more worried about contaminating the lollipop.

Phoebe:I'm pregnant!

Monica:Phoebe, you don't know that yet. You should take a pregnancy test.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm not worried. I'm pretty sure I'll pass.

Rachel:You know what? You're being really unfair!

Monica:I'm not being unfair, I'm just saying—

Rachel:Oh, you're just saying? Well, you're... you're a big stupid head!

Frank Jr:We're gonna have a baby!

Monica:What is this?!

Rachel:Oh my God, what IS that?!

Monica:I don't know! I just opened the drawer!

Both:AAHHHHH!

Rachel:Oh my God! What is that?!

Monica:I don't know, but we need to close the drawer before it gets out.

Rachel:Wait, if we close it, won't that kill whatever's living in there?

Joey:AHHHHH!

Joey:Oh my God, these closets are HUGE!