The One With Chandler In A Box

Chandler:Hi, I'm calling from WXYZ radio with a special contest question for you!

Joey:Oh wow, really? What's the question?

Chandler:The question is: Joey, will you forgive me for being a terrible friend and saying all those mean things?

Joey:Chandler?

Chandler:Yeah, it's me. And you've won an all-expense paid apology!

Joey:Hello?

Joey:Chandler, is this you?

Ross:No, it's Ross.

Joey:Oh. Hey, Ross.

Ross:Wait, you're getting a plug-in headset? Where are you gonna steal that from for Christmas gifts?

Unknown:Who gets who?

Ross:Whom. Whom gets whom.

Ross:I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Who am I to correct people? I'm not better than anyone.

Ross:Although, grammatically speaking, I am better than most people.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You guys didn't know? I invented Secret Santa.

Chandler:You invented Secret Santa?

Joey:Yeah! I came up with it like five years ago.

Monica:Joey, Secret Santa has been around for like a hundred years.

Joey:Well, I invented it in New York.

Joey:I did invent Secret Santa!

Ross:No, you didn't.

Joey:I wrote Die Hard.

Ross:You did not write Die Hard.

Joey:I have proof. It's on a napkin.

Phoebe:Turkey makes me sleepy.

Monica:Well, you're not eating any turkey.

Phoebe:I know. I'm just tired from watching you cook it.

Chandler:I'm telling you, we should trade Rachel for Secret Santa. She's impossible to shop for!

Ross:Chandler, you can't trade your friend.

Chandler:Why not? Last year I got her a scarf and she exchanged it. The year before, a sweater—exchanged. A gift card—exchanged.

Ross:So?

Chandler:So? She exchanges every single gift! It's like giving her nothing, except now I have to feel bad about it.

Ross:She loved it! She did! She just... she had to return it because she thought it made her look fat.

Ross:No, no, it's true! And then when she went to return it, she got in a car accident, and the gift was in the trunk, and it fell out on the highway, and a truck ran over it.

Ross:And then the pieces blew away, and a bird picked up one of the pieces, and flew it to Atlantic City.

Chandler:So the dog took your backpack.

Chandler:Okay, so I got Rachel for Secret Santa.

Chandler:I bought her this really nice gift, but I had to return it because I realized the initials were wrong.

Rachel:What do you mean the initials were wrong?

Chandler:Well, it said 'RG' on it, and your initials are 'RG'... wait, no they're not. You're Rachel Green. That's 'RG'. Oh God, I'm an idiot.

Rachel:Chandler, what are initials?

Chandler:They're the first letters of your name! R from Rachel, G from Green!

Chandler:I can't believe I got the initials wrong. What's more basic than initials? It's literally two letters!

Chandler:I had to shop early. My Marlboro Miles were expiring.

Chandler:Hey, Ross, why are you carrying that pink briefcase?

Ross:It's not pink, it's mauve. And it's practical for carrying my paleontology notes and specimens.

Chandler:Dude, it's definitely pink. And it has little flowers on it.

Ross:Look, I work at a museum. We have very specific aesthetic requirements. This briefcase is... sophisticated.

Monica:Ow! Ice in my eye!

Phoebe:Oh my God, people are sleeping!

Monica:No, ICE. In my EYE.

Phoebe:Oh. Well that's much less of a problem.

Monica:Ow! Ow! There's ice in my eye!

Ross:Have you tried... not putting ice in your eye?

Monica:I can't go to Richard. He's my ex-boyfriend!

Chandler:So? He's a professional doctor.

Monica:A professional doctor who's seen me naked!

Joey:Monica, that's his job. He's not going to discriminate against you because you dated.

Monica:Oh, you don't know Richard. He could totally use this as leverage. Like, 'Your vision's fine, but your relationship skills need work.'

Monica:I don't remember Richard's office number.

Monica:It's speed dial 3.

Phoebe:Hi, yes, I'm calling to make an appointment for my friend Monica Geller. Yes, that's right. Oh, and I should mention - I'm representing her eye.

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! You should totally see the on-call doctor. Richard's so old, he probably invented the stethoscope!

Monica:What? I may have a broken arm, but I can still cook circles around you!

Monica:My kitchen, my rules. Now get out of my way before I hit you with this cast.

Chandler:Hey, he only slammed the door once!

Ross:Yeah, well he gave me the finger while he did it.

Monica:I need to call my mom about something.

Monica:How do you cook left-handed while wearing an eye patch?

Ross:What are you getting me?

Chandler:Well, I was thinking about getting you a nice girlie briefcase.

Ross:A girlie briefcase?

Chandler:Yeah, you know, for all your... R.G. needs.

Chandler:Yeah, well just so you know, Rachel has a habit of exchanging gifts. So whatever you get her, she's gonna return it.

Chandler:A big dog incident? What, did a dog eat it?

Ross:Come on, Joey, you have to forgive Chandler. Everyone makes mistakes.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, what if I told you Chandler slept with your girlfriend?

Ross:That's unforgivable. You're right, don't forgive him.

Ross:How long are you going to punish Chandler?

Joey:I'm sentencing him to ten years hard labor. And it's going to be ten years of hard labor, buddy.

Ross:Come on, you have to talk to Chandler. You guys have been best friends forever.

Joey:I know, I know. But he really hurt me.

Ross:I get it, but you need to work this out. He misses you.

Joey:Yeah? Well, you know what? I've been talking to someone else about being my best friend.

Ross:What? Who?

Joey:You. We're looking at you as a replacement.

Ross:Okay, so I'm your best friend now. Great. First order of business: Chandler deserves better. He's funny, he's loyal, and frankly, Monica could do a lot worse.

Chandler:Joey won't talk to me. He only speaks Italian curses to me.

Joey:Porco dio! Stronzo! Cazzo!

Chandler:That's literally all the Italian he knows.

Ross:Have you seen Chandler?

Gunther:I don't know, they all look the same to me.

Ross:They all look the same? Gunther, it's just Chandler.

Gunther:Yeah, well, you all come in here, you all order coffee... I don't pay attention.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm gonna go throw myself down the stairs.

Monica:What?!

Phoebe:Well, you said he was cute!

Monica:Oh my God, I can't believe this is Richard's son. I thought I was avoiding Richard by switching doctors.

Chandler:Well, you didn't avoid him. You just moved down a generation.

Joey:You kissed her? How could you?! She's my friend, she's YOUR friend... Friendship is like a sacred bond, man. It's like... it's like the most important thing in the world!

Chandler:Yeah, we had a really difficult year with that robbery.

Chandler:Our TV and stereo used to be really attractive.

Joey:Hey, I got an idea. You could sit in the punishment box.

Chandler:The punishment box?

Joey:Yeah, remember? We made it in third grade.

Tim:I saw Monica outside Dairy Queen before college. I just assumed she was waiting for it to open.

Monica:Is it like a pirate?

Tim:Sure.

Monica:Well, I guess she wanted you to be ready to set sail... but you weren't ready to anchor down!

Monica:Arrr, matey!

Tim:You're not actually dressed as a pirate yet.

Monica:I know, I know. It's weird. It's inappropriate. It's... it's everything.

Rachel:This is like a Greek tragedy.

Monica:A Greek tragedy? Rachel, this is Oedipus-level. Someone's going to end up gouging their eyes out.

Monica:I know it's weird, but I have feelings for Richard's son.

Phoebe:Okay, you know I'm usually all about weird and unconventional, but even I think this is too much.

Monica:Oh, so now you're all relationship experts? Let me remind you - Rachel, you've had more false alarms than a fire station. Phoebe, you married a gay ice dancer. Joey, you think monogamy is a type of wood. And Chandler... Chandler, you spent Thanksgiving in a box!

Chandler:Hey! That was one time!

Chandler:Well, it's not about the box. It's about the principle. It teaches you that actions have consequences. It's a journey of self-discovery and redemption. It's about facing your inner demons and emerging stronger on the other side.

Chandler:Also, it really hurts.

Chandler:Hey! Hey! I can't breathe! I can't breathe! There's no air!

Monica:Chandler, there are holes in the box.

Chandler:I know, but I can't feel the air coming through them!

Joey:That's because there's no air coming through them. We sealed it up.

Chandler:What?! You sealed it up?! Get me out of here! Get me out of here now!

Chandler:Wait, this isn't real gold.

Rachel:Oh my God, maybe it turned into gold over time!

Rachel:I know it seems bad, but I got store credit! I can use it for something I actually need.

Chandler:Store credit? Rachel, that's not a gift, that's a refund with extra steps.

Rachel:It's not! I'm going to buy something really practical with it.

Chandler:You exchanged a necklace for store credit. You didn't even get another item. You got... the possibility of items.

Chandler:I'll get it! I'll get the door!

Monica:Chandler, you're in the box.

Chandler:I know, but I'll get it!

Tim:What's he doing in the box?

Ross:He's thinking.

Monica:You can use the nice soap.

Rachel:Oh my God, were you saving this for the papal visit?

Rachel:Wait, wait. So you're dating Richard's son? That means if things get serious, you could end up comparing notes with Richard about... you know.

Monica:Oh my God, I didn't think about that.

Rachel:Yeah, and Richard's not gonna be like 'Oh, my son's better.' He's gonna be like 'Well, my son learned from the best!'

Phoebe:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Chandler:Hey, is anyone going to let me out of this box?

Joey:No one gets out of the box, Chandler. Those are the rules.

Joey:You want to use the bathroom? Too bad. You're in the box now.

Chandler:Come on, this is ridiculous!

Joey:Ridiculous? You know what's ridiculous? Breaking box protocol. Now sit down and be quiet.

Chandler:Could I BE any more generous with the potatoes?

Rachel:What are you talking about?

Chandler:Well, you know how you're always exchanging gifts? I'm exchanging food. It's like regifting, but with dinner rolls.

Rachel:I have feelings! I have a lot of feelings! I feel things constantly! Right now I'm feeling... I'm feeling many things at once, okay? I'm very emotional and deep!

Chandler:I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just... adjusting my... invisible friend.

Joey:You have to take this seriously!

Chandler:I am taking it seriously.

Joey:No you're not! You're doing it wrong!

Chandler:How can I do a punishment wrong?

Joey:You just... you can!

Rachel:I keep all of these because they're so meaningful to me. They remind me of all the important moments in my life.

Monica:That's sweet, Rach. What about that one?

Rachel:Oh, this? This is a gift from the Secret Santa at work.

Chandler:I thought you said these were meaningful?

Rachel:They are! As long as I don't think about who gave them to me.

Rachel:Look what Ross gave me!

Ross:That's... that's a priceless archaeological specimen. You stole it from the museum.

Rachel:You gave it to me!

Ross:I was just showing it to you!

Monica:My friends think our relationship is weird.

Tim:What does the boxed friend think?

Monica:What's wrong?

Tim:That kiss... it reminds me of kissing my father.

Monica:Your father?

Tim:Yeah, he had the same... technique.

Monica:I'm so sorry about this awkward situation.

Tim:Are you kidding? This is great! I treat psychological damage like a holiday tradition.

Tim:You know what's worst for me is you remind me of a younger version of my mom.

Kathy:I don't want to cause any problems.

Joey:You gotta go after her! Tell her how you feel!

Chandler:But you said to stay in the box.

Joey:Forget the box! Get out of the box!

Ross:Oh, this is so romantic. They're running toward each other in slow motion...

Ross:Wait... he's grabbing her purse. That's not romantic, that's a mugging.

Joey:Hey, hey! You two need to get a room!