The One Where Ross Cant Flirt

Chandler:I got us reservations at Jean-George! I pulled some strings.

Monica:What kind of strings?

Chandler:Well, we have to eat in the bathroom, and we can only order things that are blue.

Chandler:Well, hey, if you ever want to relive those glory days, I know a guy.

Duck:You know, the real question isn't which came first. It's whether either of us truly exists outside the observer's perception.

Chicken:That's deep, but you're just saying that because you can fly away from your problems.

Duck:And you're just laying around philosophizing because you're stuck in a coop!

Chicken:At least I know who my mother is.

Monica:Hey baby, how you doin'? *does exaggerated Chandler flirting impression*

Ross:Wow, Monica, that was a really accurate impression.

Phoebe:Wait, so on 'Law and Order', which one is he?

Chandler:He's on the 'Law' side.

Phoebe:Oh! So there's a 'Law' side and an 'Order' side?

Monica:The show is called Law and Order because there's the law part and the order part. It's logical.

Phoebe:Yeah, but like... what if there was more to it?

Phoebe:What if it was like, Law... and then Order... and then like, some other thing?

Monica:So you want to ask out the pizza delivery girl?

Joey:Yeah, why not?

Monica:Because Joey, you can't just hit on every woman who comes to the door. You need to have some standards.

Joey:I have standards!

Monica:Oh really? What are they?

Joey:She has to be a woman and she has to show up at my door.

Monica:You know what? You're not a player, you're a... a pizza slut.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross, we never even dated!

Ross:I know, but—

Joey:And you've been married like three times!

Joey:She's got these amazing legs, and this incredible smile, and—

Ross:Okay, okay, we get it.

Joey:Pepperoni. Pepperoni. Pepperoni.

Phoebe:She forgot your vegetarian pizza. Joey, she's not interested in you.

Ross:When the pizza girl comes back, I'm going to charm her with some French. 'Au Ross' instead of 'au jus.' Get it?

Chandler:So, Mrs. Tribbiani, how long have you been in America?

Joey's Grandmother:[speaks rapidly in Italian]

Chandler:Right, right... and do you ever miss Italy?

Joey's Grandmother:[continues in Italian, gesturing]

Joey:She doesn't speak English, Chandler.

Chandler:What? I thought you said your grandmother was different!

Joey:She is different. She's Italian.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Big fat Joey star? That's not what she said. She said I was a big fat... I was a big baby! I weighed 14 pounds!

Chandler:14 pounds?

Joey:Yeah! My mother said so!

Chandler:So I was thinking we could have a romantic night tonight. I'll light some candles, put on some soft music, maybe break out the good sheets.

Monica:That sounds nice, but my grandmother is coming over.

Chandler:Oh, which grandmother? Your mother's mother or your father's mother?

Monica:My mother's mother. Why?

Chandler:No reason, I just... I thought maybe we could reschedule.

Phoebe:I don't actually speak Italian. I was just making sounds.

Phoebe:Can I have the other earring?

Rachel:What? No! I need both of them — they're a pair!

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica, I'm so sorry! I borrowed your earrings and I lost one.

Monica:Rachel! Those were my favorite pair!

Rachel:I know, I know. But look, I found it! Well, I found a similar one at a street vendor for two dollars.

Phoebe:That's not the same earring, Rachel.

Rachel:It's close enough! And now you have a matching pair of almost-the-same earrings!

Joey:So I'm doing this big scene, and my grandmother's coming to watch, but she doesn't speak English.

Chandler:Well, you could just say whatever you want. She won't understand anyway.

Joey:What do you mean?

Chandler:I mean, just make up words. Say 'blah blah blah.' She'll think you're a genius.

Monica:Rachel, it's just a diaper commercial.

Rachel:I know, but what if the baby isn't potty trained by age three? What if it never is? What if it's still in diapers at prom?

Ross:You know, I've been thinking about what you said earlier about my hair...

Ross:And I think you're right. It does look better shorter.

Ross:In fact, I was thinking... maybe we should do something together sometime. You know, just the two of us.

Ross:We could go back to that place where they cut it. They do a great job.

Ross:Wait, that came out wrong. I didn't mean... I was just saying that your hair looks... I mean, not that there's anything wrong with your hair now, it's great, it's always great, but I just meant... okay, this isn't helping. The hair.

Ross:I didn't say I didn't like her! I said I didn't like her in that way.

Rachel:Ross...

Ross:No, no, no - I mean, I like her as a friend. I like her sense of humor, I like her hair, I like the way she... I like a lot of things about her. I'm just saying the things I don't like are... are very specific things that have nothing to do with her being a bad person.

Monica:Oh no, the flirting didn't bother me. It was the actual sleeping with other women that really got to me.

Rachel:You were terrible at flirting with me.

Ross:What? I got you to go out with me, didn't I?

Rachel:Yeah, well, you were still terrible at it.

Ross:I'm a good flirter!

Rachel:Yeah, and it only took you nine years.

Ross:I'm going to get Caitlin's phone number.

Chandler:Not the restaurant's number from the menu.

Rachel:I found it! I found my earring!

Phoebe:That's not the missing one.

Joey:I can't believe it! My big break is finally here! I've been on TV!

Monica:That's great, Joey! How much screen time did you get?

Joey:Well, technically... zero seconds.

Monica:Zero seconds? How is that possible?

Joey:They cut me completely. But I was there! I showed up! That's the important thing, right?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! My scene's still gonna happen, right? I'm telling you, I can feel it.

Chandler:Joe, you're in a body bag.

Joey:So? I've done scenes in worse conditions!

Joey:Nonnie, Nonnie! I'm on TV! You can see me on TV!

Nonnie:What? Where?

Joey:Right there! That's me! I say 'Hello!'

Nonnie:I don't see you. I only see that man from Law & Order.

Joey:That's Sam Waterston! I'm the one who says hello!

Nonnie:No, no. I only recognize Sam Waterston and the movies with the explosions.

Monica:Phoebe, you didn't give back my earrings.

Phoebe:I didn't gave them back?

Monica:Wait, Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe:Yeah, why?

Monica:Forget the earring.

Ross:So, uh, Phoebe, I was thinking... you know, with all those vegetables on your pizza, it must be really... hard to get everything in there.

Phoebe:What?

Ross:I mean, you know, fitting all those... toppings. It's a lot of... density.

Phoebe:Are you okay?

Ross:Is it working? Am I coming across as charming?

Phoebe:Well, there's a fine line between cute and weird.

Phoebe:And you're like... you're like on the weird side of the line, looking over at cute.

Ross:I was trying to flirt with you.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, you should have just said so.

Monica:I'm just being friendly!

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm just being sarcastic. Oh wait, that's not a double standard, that's just my personality.

Monica:All guys think flirting means interest. It's like they don't understand the concept of just being friendly.

Monica:I mean, it happens everywhere. Right now, there's probably a guy in Tokyo flirting with a woman, thinking she's into him, when really she's just being polite.

Monica:And in London, same thing. And in Paris. It's global, it's constant, it never stops.

Phoebe:Your grandson is not a very good actor.

Phoebe:And I've seen a lot of bad acting. I was in a porno once.

Joey's Grandmother:You were in a porno?

Phoebe:Well, I didn't know it was a porno at first. But then there was this guy with a bald spot and a mop... Actually, it might have just been my landlord.

Monica:My earring is missing? Oh, that's okay. Things happen. I'm not upset at all.

Monica:Oh, that's okay. These things happen. No big deal.

Monica:Wait, it was Rachel? RACHEL?! My grandmother's china! My wedding dress! My photo albums! Everything I've ever loved, destroyed!

Ross:So, uh, what kind of fuel does your pizza oven use?

Ross:Gas? Wow, that's... that's intense.

Chandler:Hey, if this is how he flirts with Monica, then your concerns are completely unfounded.

Ross:Do you smell that?

Caitlin:Yeah, what is that?

Ross:Did you know that honey never spoils? Archaeologists have found 3,000-year-old honey in Egyptian tombs that was still perfectly edible.

Chandler:Oh, the humanity!

Ross:So... did you notice how I was trying to flirt with you back there?

Rachel:Oh, I noticed. I also noticed you spent twenty minutes talking about your digestive issues.

Ross:That was... that was relevant to the conversation!

Rachel:Ross, you literally said, and I quote, 'I've never felt more gassy in my life.' That's not flirting. That's a cry for help.

Rachel:See, this is what I was talking about. Nine years!

Ross:Did you know that the smell of fresh-cut grass is actually a chemical defense mechanism? It's called green leaf volatile. So when you smell it, you're essentially smelling a plant's cry for help.

Ross:And here's another one—the reason old books smell so good is because of the breakdown of organic compounds in the paper. Specifically, volatile organic compounds that form over time. Pretty amazing, right?

Rachel:He was totally trying to flirt with you.

Caitlin:What? No! We were just talking about gas.

Rachel:Exactly.

Caitlin:Oh my God.

Caitlin:Does Ross really like me?

Rachel:Well, he ordered seven large pizzas last night. I think that's a pretty good sign.

Joey:Drop your weapons! I have a hostage!

Nonna:Joey, why are you wearing that shirt? It makes you look like a criminal!

Chandler:Joey, that was the least convincing hostage performance I've ever seen. You were supposed to look terrified, not like you were enjoying a spa day.

Joey:What are you talking about? I was great!

Chandler:You smiled. Twice. During a hostage situation.

Monica:Do you think anyone will notice that my earrings don't match?

Phoebe:No, they look the same as themselves.

Chandler:I have excellent taste in earrings.

Monica:You really do.