The One With The Ride Along

Joey:Hey Ross, how are you holding up with the whole Emily wedding thing?

Ross:Joey!

Joey:What? What'd I do?

Phoebe:Oh my God, look! Look over there!

Ross:What? What is it?

Phoebe:No, no, over THERE!

Ross:I don't see anything.

Phoebe:Exactly! You're so distracted!

Phoebe:Yeah, Gary and I went out last night. We had a really good time.

Phoebe:We prevented some crimes.

Chandler:I like danger. I'm a dangerous guy.

Phoebe:Chandler, you won't even eat food that's past its sell-by date.

Chandler:That's different. That's smart.

Chandler:I like danger.

Chandler:Wait, it's nighttime. Is someone going to attack me?

Monica:Okay, I'm going to organize all these photos. I'm thinking we sort them by year, then by month, then by occasion, then by who's in them, then by lighting quality, and finally by emotional resonance.

Chandler:Or... we could just put them in a box.

Monica:A box? CHANDLER. These photos deserve respect. I've already created a color-coded filing system with cross-referenced index cards.

Rachel:Mon, they're just pictures.

Monica:Just pictures?! These are memories! I've also laminated backup copies and created a digital database with metadata tags. I'm thinking of getting a second apartment just for storage.

Monica:This is my filing system. Everything is organized alphabetically.

Rachel:What's this file?

Monica:That's my dog's medical records. His name is LePoo.

Rachel:LePoo? That sounds like 'le poo'!

Monica:I have a very organized filing system. Everything is color-coded and cross-referenced.

Monica:Oh, and the photo of that dead dog we found? That's filed under 'dead'.

Rachel:Oh great, they're numbered. That'll make it so much easier to put them back in order.

Monica:Actually, they weren't numbered. 152 was just an example I showed you.

Rachel:What?!

Monica:I can't believe I don't have a blender. What kind of person doesn't have a blender?

Monica:First my apartment's a mess, then my love life's a disaster, and now this. Everything is falling apart!

Monica:You know, we could just steal some cash from Ross.

Rachel:Monica! We are not stealing from your brother!

Monica:He owes me money anyway.

Rachel:That is not the point!

Chandler:I like danger! I thrive on it! Living on the edge keeps me alive!

Monica:Chandler, you won't go out after dark.

Chandler:That's different. Darkness is actually dangerous.

Joey:Hey, what's that thing on top of police cars called? The red cherry?

Ross:It's not a cherry, Joey. It's a light.

Joey:Well, Chandler's a cherry then!

Joey:I pay taxes on this sandwich!

Gary:You pay taxes?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Don't smell my sandwich!

Chandler:I'm just smelling it.

Joey:Well, stop it! You're using up all the taste units!

Chandler:Taste units?

Joey:Yeah! Every time you smell food, you lose some of the taste when you eat it. There's only so many taste units per sandwich, and you're wasting them!

Joey:You're stealing my taste units by smelling my food!

Chandler:What? No I'm not!

Joey:Yes you are! Every time you smell it, you take some of the taste!

Chandler:Joey, that's not how taste works.

Joey:Well then explain why my sandwich tastes less good when you're around!

Chandler:Because you're an idiot and you're psyching yourself out? Or possibly because I'm standing between you and the light and it's affecting your perception?

Joey:Okay, so imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler:Okay.

Joey:Now describe a sandwich.

Chandler:It's Monica.

Joey:What?! What's that like?

Rachel:Oh my God, is this a real dinosaur bone?

Ross:No, no, it's a replica. A very accurate replica.

Rachel:Oh thank God. For a second I thought you had an actual dinosaur bone in here. That would be so weird.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross. How much did you spend on all this dinosaur stuff?

Ross:It's not that much, and these are collectibles. They appreciate in value.

Rachel:Appreciate? Ross, these are plastic toys. The only thing appreciating here is my sense that you need to get out more.

Monica:Rachel, can you check if we have any ice?

Rachel:Monica, we only have ice.

Monica:Well, check again!

Joey:Hey, we got a 10-4 on the suspect. He's heading downtown.

Gary:It's 10-10, not 10-4. And nobody says 'heading downtown' — they say 'heading to the precinct.'

Joey:Oh, so I had it backwards?

Gary:Completely. You've been watching too much TV. Real cops don't talk like that.

Ross:No one talks like TV cops. No real cop talks like that.

Joey:What do you mean? I talk like a cop.

Chandler:No, you don't. I'm more cop than you are.

Chandler:I'm Gary's partner.

Joey:Dude, 'partner' has romantic connotations!

Ross:Phone... home... Phone... home...

Joey:Hey, hey! Look at you back there! What are you, a witness in the mob trial? You're like Serpico!

Monica:Oh my God, I have to erase that message before Ross hears it. Emily is so... so... annoying, and boring, and she has that stupid accent, and she's always so proper, and she never laughs at any of my jokes, and her clothes are so frumpy, and she's got that weird way of saying 'schedule' like 'shedule,' and she thinks she's so sophisticated but she's really just pretentious, and her hair is always in that same boring style, and she never even tries to fit in with the group, and honestly Ross could do so much better!

Monica:I was just trying to help!

Rachel:Monica, you erased his entire message.

Monica:I know, but I was trying to... to control the situation.

Monica:Who would break up a wedding?

Rachel:

Monica:We can't erase it. What if it's important?

Rachel:Monica, it's just some guy.

Monica:Some guy? Rachel, some guy could be anyone!

Answering Machine:Message erased.

Gary:Just sign here, here, and here. Standard liability waiver.

Chandler:What exactly are we signing away here? Our firstborn?

Gary:Oh, just the usual stuff. In case your head gets blown off, we scrape a knee, nothing serious.

Chandler:I'm sorry, did you just casually group 'head being blown off' with 'scraping a knee'?

Joey:Where do I sign?

Chandler:Oh my God, someone's approaching the car!

Ross:What do they want?

Chandler:I don't know! Lock the doors!

Gary:Should we honk the horn?

Chandler:No! That'll draw attention! We'll die, we'll all die!

Ross:Chandler, calm down!

Chandler:Calm down?! Calm down?! They're right there! They're breathing on the window!

Chandler:Everyone down! Get down!

Monica:What is it? What's happening?

Ross:I don't know, but it sounded like gunfire!

Phoebe:We're all gonna die!

Joey:My face! Not my face!

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God!

Chandler:It was just a car backfire.

Joey:I threw myself over Ross to protect him!

Rachel:Joey, that's so sweet!

Joey:What can I say? I'm a hero.

Chandler:A hero? Joey, you landed on top of him!

Monica:Oh God, please let it be the same message we just erased.

Ross:Rachel, hi, it's me. I'm at the airport and I'm catching a flight to London. I have to tell you something, something I should've told you a long time ago. It's about Chandler. It's about us. None of that matters now. Rachel, I love you. I'm sorry it took me leaving the country to say it. I love you. I have to go. Goodbye.

Ross:Oh, and if you get a chance, could you swing by my apartment and water my plants? And, uh, if I don't make it, I want you to have my CD collection.

Monica:Wait, so you're telling me that Ross left himself a note about living life to the fullest?

Ross:Yes! I wrote it to remind myself to embrace every moment.

Monica:Ross, that's great, but how is a philosophical message going to fix things with Emily?

Ross:What do you mean? It's about living fully!

Monica:Right, and maybe if you live fully enough, you can be in two relationships at once!

Chandler:A hero is here!

Monica:An astronaut?

Joey:Hey!

Gary:It wasn't real danger.

Joey:What do you mean it wasn't real danger? We totally saved you!

Chandler:Yeah, we're heroes. You can't just take that away from us because you weren't actually in peril.

Joey:We did the thing. We get the credit for the thing.

Gary:Joey, how would you like to be a police officer?

Joey:Really? That would be great!

Chandler:Yeah, that's perfect for him. He jumps at every little noise.

Joey:I could have died tonight.

Chandler:How? What happened?

Joey:I was almost hit by a car.

Chandler:Oh my God! Which car was it?

Joey:I don't know, it was blue... or green.

Chandler:Well, if you see that car again, the second time it'll kill you. That's how it works. First time you survive, second time you die. It's like a two-hit combo.

Joey:I'd protect you no matter what. You're my best friend.

Chandler:Oh yeah? Well then let's go find some danger and see how you do.

Joey:What? No! I meant like, if danger found us.

Chandler:So you're saying you'd only protect me if it's convenient?

Joey:You're lucky I saved your life, or I'd beat you up right now.

Chandler:Hey, what's wrong? You seem upset.

Joey:I'm fine.

Chandler:No you're not. What is it? Did Ross do something?

Joey:No, it's not about Ross.

Chandler:Oh my God, you hate Ross! You've finally realized what we all know - he's annoying and pretentious and—

Joey:Chandler!

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, it's about time you saw it too!

Chandler:I saved his life! If it wasn't for me, Ross would be dead right now.

Joey:What are you talking about?

Chandler:Well, you know, we're out on the street, we're street guys. Street!

Joey:Chandler, we live in Manhattan. We're not street.

Chandler:We could be street!

Joey:He was actually trying to save his sandwich

Joey:I tried to save the sandwich from the bullet.

Chandler:That... that makes much sense.

Joey:That sandwich cost me eight dollars!

Joey:Eight dollars! You don't just throw that away!

Chandler:Joey, it had been under the radiator for a week.

Joey:So? It was still good!

Joey:I'm not wasteful, okay? I'm resourceful!

Joey:Chandler, you know you're like a brother to me, right?

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah, man. You're my best friend.

Joey:Okay, but you gotta be careful with this. It's special.

Chandler:What do you mean special?

Joey:It's got special sauce on it.

Chandler:

Joey:No! No, no, no, no, no!

Rachel:What are you doing here?

Ross:What do you mean what am I doing here? I live here!

Rachel:No you don't.

Ross:Well, I'm here all the time. I mean, you guys are always at my place, so I figured it was only fair that I came here sometimes.

Ross:I'm telling you, I thought I was done for. There I was, walking down the street, minding my own business...

Rachel:Oh my God, what happened?

Ross:I heard this loud BANG! I dropped to the ground, I thought it was a gunshot. My life flashed before my eyes. I could see the headlines: 'Local Paleontologist Shot in Freak Accident.'

Rachel:Ross!

Ross:It was a car backfire.

Rachel:You weren't there, Ross. You don't know what happened.

Ross:I wasn't there? Rachel, I was totally there!

Ross:Did Monica say anything about coming to visit?

Rachel:Well, she said something about you leaving her a message about getting stamps.

Joey:I was like a war hero out there! I mean, I could've been a general, you know? A five-star general.

Joey:General Tribbiani. I'd have my own army, thousands of men reporting to me.

Joey:And they'd all respect me, and I'd make important decisions that affected the course of history.

Joey:Plus, the uniform. Oh man, the uniform would look so good on me.

Joey:I'd make general really quickly.

Chandler:Yeah, you'd be so bad at it, your own troops would shoot you.

Ross:Joey's really protective. I mean, he's the kind of guy you'd want in a foxhole with you.

Chandler:As long as that foxhole had a buffet.

Joey:There are no atheists in foxholes, and there are no dieters around a hero sandwich.

Phoebe:I'm a pacifist. I don't believe in violence.

Phoebe:But when the revolution comes, I'm gonna kill everyone... except Joey. Joey can live in my compound.