The One Where Rachel Smokes

Joey:Pick a card, any card. Don't show me.

Joey:Okay, got it? Now put it back in the deck.

Joey:I'm going to use my amazing magical powers to find your card.

Joey:Is this your card?

Chandler:Yeah, that's it!

Joey:I knew it!

Joey:A commercial? Ben got a commercial? How is that possible? He can't even talk!

Joey:I've been in this business for years. Years! And this kid, he's what, two? Two years old and he's already booking jobs!

Joey:What does he have that I don't have? Dimples? Okay, fine, he has dimples. But I have... I have range!

Joey:What am I doing wrong? Why won't anyone discover me?

Chandler:That.

Rachel:I can't do it on my first day!

Phoebe:Wow, Rachel, that's so weird. You're not gonna steal from Ralph Lauren? Well, then I'm calling dibs on all the stolen stuff.

Monica:If we throw her a surprise party on her actual birthday, it won't be a surprise. So we have to do it at a completely different time.

Chandler:That's not how surprises work, Monica.

Monica:Well, it is now.

Chandler:So you're really excited about planning this with Phoebe?

Monica:Yeah! It's going to be so much fun!

Chandler:More fun than planning things with me?

Monica:What? No, that's not what I said.

Chandler:I can't believe this. I'm being replaced by Phoebe.

Phoebe:Aw, Chandler, don't be like that!

Chandler:Could I BE any less thrilled about this?

Chandler:Yeah, well it's gonna be weird seeing an actor play Ben's dad. It's gonna be even weirder seeing Ben's two lesbian moms.

Joey:I'm Ben's godfather.

Ross:No, you're not.

Joey:What? Yes, I am!

Joey:Well, you see, I have a very specific strategy with casting directors. I like to build a personal relationship with them first.

Joey:You know, really get to know them on a deeper level.

Ross:I was so influenced by that kid's performance, I changed my phone service.

Chandler:What? Why would you do that?

Ross:He made it look so easy!

Joey:Come on, I look just like Ben!

Ross:No, you don't.

Joey:Yes, I do! We have the same eyes, the same smile...

Ross:Joey, he's my son.

Joey:So? That doesn't mean I can't look like him!

Ross:Okay, fine. You look like Ben. There. Happy?

Joey:I am! And you know what? In some ways, I think I might even be a better-looking version.

Ross:That's... that's not how genetics work, Joey.

Rachel's Boss:Your job includes giving opinions on everything.

Rachel:Even if I don't have any?

Rachel's Boss:Especially then.

Rachel:My dad told me these horror stories about smoking when I was little.

Rachel:Turns out they were just fairy tales with pro-smoking messages. Like, 'Cinderella got her prince because she had that long, sexy smoker's voice.'

Rachel:Wait, so you're telling me that people who smoke get promoted faster?

Monica:Well, they take more breaks, so they have more time to network with the bosses.

Rachel:That is so unfair! I have to compete with Smokey Smokerson over there!

Phoebe:Yeah, and over time, all those cigarette butts... they killed the plant.

Phoebe:Come on, Rachel, just try one. It's not that bad for you.

Phoebe:I mean, sure, I've had three asthma attacks this week and my dentist says my lungs look like a charcoal briquette, but look at me — I'm fine!

Ross:Yeah, sure, I'd love to get coffee with you guys!

Monica:Great! We're planning the most amazing party ever.

Phoebe:Yeah, it's going to be incredible!

Ross:Oh, you know what? I just remembered I have... a thing. A very important thing. I can't do coffee.

Monica:I've color-coordinated the entire party. The appetizers are blue, the main course is yellow, and dessert is pink. And obviously, I've selected the perfect music to match each color.

Chandler:Obviously.

Monica:The blue songs are cool and refreshing, yellow songs are bright and cheerful, and pink songs are romantic and fun.

Joey:So what happens if we want to eat the yellow food while listening to the blue music?

Monica:Don't be ridiculous. That would ruin everything.

Phoebe:Fine, I'll man the dip table. This is MY dip table now.

Phoebe:Nobody touches this spinach artichoke situation but me. It's sacred.

Phoebe:You want some? You ask Phoebe. I am the dip keeper now. The dip is my life's work.

Ross:So, I went to the audition today...

Ross:And I didn't get the part.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Are you doing the Joey thing?

Chandler:Where you act all sad and then it turns out to be something else?

Rachel:Oh, you guys smoke doobies?

Rachel:Oh my God, Kim, I'm so high right now.

Kim:What? You're high at work?

Rachel:No, no, I mean like, on life. On this job. I'm just really excited!

Kim:Oh... okay, that's... that's good.

Rachel:Wait, actually, I might be a little high.

Kim:Rachel!

Rachel:I'm kidding! Kind of.

Kim:You're not helping your case here.

Susan:I'm not gay! I mean, I'm a woman who loves women, but I'm not... I have a boyfriend! Well, I had a boyfriend. Carol is my... Carol is my friend. My very close friend. We live together, but that's just practical! And yes, I'm a lesbian, but that doesn't define me as an actress!

Joey:This is weird, man. I mean, we're friends. We shouldn't be competing against each other.

Ross:You're right, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

Joey:I mean, we're like brothers, you know?

Ross:Exactly. We're brothers.

Joey:So... you wanna grab a beer later?

Ross:Can't. I have plans with my actual brother.

Chandler:I support Joey! I pay for his apartment, I buy his food... I think I deserve free soup.

Chandler:Yeah, because nothing says 'reasonable amount of water' like bringing seventeen cups to a coffee shop.

Chandler:Rue the day? That's gonna take forever. I mean, first you gotta find the day, then you gotta rue it. By the time you're done, it's already night.

Joey:You know what? You're right. I'm stepping aside. The baby needs you more than I need this.

Joey:Just kidding! Now YOU step aside. I want the baby.

Chandler:Hey! Oh, hi! How are you? Great to see you!

Joey:Hey, at least I got the audition! You're just Ben's part-time dad anyway.

Ross:Part-time? I see him every other weekend!

Joey:Exactly. You're like the dad they hire when the real dad is busy.

Joey:What do you mean 'what if he's not cute'? He's gonna be cute! He's gonna be a child actor. He'll do commercials, maybe a guest spot on a sitcom.

Joey:Then he'll get a recurring role, then maybe he'll be on a show where he plays the son of the main character.

Joey:Then maybe he'll get his own show! A show about a kid! And it'll run for five years, and then he'll do movies!

Joey:Oh, come on! My kid could eat soup circles around that kid. Ben? Please. The kid can't even hold a spoon right. My little guy, he's a soup-eating machine. You should see him go at it—it's like watching a professional. Ben's out here looking like he's never seen a bowl before.

Joey:That's not even close to my name!

Ross:What do you mean? They called you 'Holden McGroin.'

Joey:Exactly! My name is Joey Tribbiani, not Holden McGroin!

Ross:Well, that's what the commercial said.

Joey:I don't care what it said! That's not my name!

Ross:Okay, okay, calm down. What IS your name then?

Joey:It's Holden McGroin!

Monica:Rachel, you smell like an ashtray.

Rachel:Thank you! I've been working on my scent.

Monica:That's not a compliment.

Rachel:Well, I think it's sophisticated. Very European. It says I'm worldly and I smoke cigarettes.

Monica:You're not inhaling. You're just blowing the smoke out.

Rachel:I am too inhaling!

Monica:No, you're not. Here, watch me.

Rachel:Oh my God! I can't believe you smoke!

Monica:I don't. I'm just showing you how to do it.

Chandler:You look like you're gonna be sick.

Rachel:I'm not gonna be sick. I'm fine. Why does everyone keep saying that?

Monica:Because you're green.

Rachel:Smoking is not that bad. I mean, sure, my fingers are yellow, I smell like an ashtray, I can't climb stairs without wheezing, and I'm pretty sure I've coughed up things that have their own ecosystem. But it's fine. It's totally fine.

Monica:Oh my God, Rachel! You smell like an ashtray. It's disgusting.

Chandler:I think it's sexy.

Rachel:Okay, we're all quitting smoking. Starting right now.

Kim:Rachel, wait. This lighter... my father gave it to me before he died.

Rachel:Oh... okay, you can keep smoking.

Joey:See, I was on a soap opera called Days of Our Lives, and I made good money. But then they killed me off, and now I'm broke.

Joey:Yeah, the hours are long, the pay is terrible, rejection is constant, and nobody takes you seriously...

Joey:But wait a minute... I get to sleep until noon, I hang out with my friends all day, I go to the gym, I eat at coffee shops, I make out with beautiful women...

Joey:I'm not trying to sell acting. I'm selling the lifestyle! And business is GOOD!

Casting Director:The line is 'Mmm...soup.'

Joey:Mmm...noodle soup.

Casting Director:No, just 'Mmm...soup.'

Joey:Mmm...noodle soup.

Casting Director:Just soup. There's no noodle.

Joey:What's the difference?

Joey:How you doin'? No wait... How YOU doin'?

Joey:Damn it!

Joey:How you doin'?

Rachel:I can't do this. My hands are shaking, I'm sweating, I can barely think straight. This is worse than anything I've ever experienced.

Kim:Rachel, we quit yesterday.

Rachel:Well, I'm counting today!

Rachel:I thought we were Patch Sisters! We made a pact!

Coworker:Rachel, come on, it's just one cigarette.

Rachel:One cigarette? You guys promised! What happened to our bond? Our sisterhood?

Phoebe:Okay, so I've created a ice sculpture of a cup holding a cup holding a cup. And then over here, I've got cups filled with ice that's shaped like smaller cups. And then... a regular cup.

Phoebe:Look at this! It's so cool, literally!

Chandler:Yeah, it's... dry ice. Wow.

Monica:I spent all day preparing a seven-course French dinner with hand-made pasta and a reduction sauce that took three hours to perfect.

Phoebe:Oh, that's nice. I brought Otter Pops.

Monica:Phoebe, I have beef Wellington, coq au vin, a soufflé—

Phoebe:Yeah, but everyone's in the kitchen fighting over the last blue one.

Rachel:It's not even my birthday.

Monica:I know, that's what makes it a surprise!

Rachel:Wait, Chandler's birthday comes first?

Monica:Yeah, it's next week.

Rachel:Oh my god, we have to throw him a party!

Chandler:You don't have to—

Everyone:No, no, we're doing this!

Monica:Everyone gets a surprise party!

Chandler:Wait, I thought I was—

Everyone:SURPRISE!

Rachel:Chandler, what are you doing with my hairbrush?

Chandler:I stole it.

Rachel:What?

Chandler:Yeah, I've been stealing your hairbrushes for years. I have a whole collection at home. It's my thing.

Chandler:Come on, just one cigarette. Nobody has to know.

Chandler:It's my birthday. I'm anonymous!

Chandler:They're not regular cigarettes, they're slim cigarettes. It's like the diet version.

Joey:I can't believe I said the wrong line at the audition! I'm such an idiot. I knew the part, I practiced it a hundred times, and what do I do? I completely blank and say something totally different.

Joey:And you know what the worst part is? I realized I was saying the wrong thing while I was saying it, and I couldn't stop myself. It just kept coming out of my mouth.

Joey:I mean, how hard is it to remember one simple line? A trained monkey could do it. A trained monkey would probably do better than me at this point.

Joey:Yeah! Yeah, that's it! I was doing it for Ben! I was sabotaging myself so he could feel better about himself!