The One Where Rachel Smokes

Is that your card? / Yes. [immediately after being asked to memorize it]

Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition? I mean, way to go, Ben! I've been in that park a million times and no one's offered me an audition.

I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong? / That.

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable stealing on my very first day.

Unwilling to steal from work. Interesting. If anybody gets free stuff, it's me.

If we throw her party on her birthday, it's not a surprise.

They're gonna do it together. / That's my girlfriend. / So I gotta shut it down now?

Weirder than seeing his two moms make out?

You're not his godfather. / What? Are you kidding? Of course I am.

So I steered clear of her. And the other one, I know from... Well, you know.

He was so good, he convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad.

I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.

Then I take credit for them. I'm kidding! / She is kidding. But don't ever disagree with her again. / Okay, now I'm kidding!

About ghosts and goblins... who totally supported the princess' right to smoke.

who do you think she'll pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

One of the old-timers told me there used to be a little tree in there.

Wow, I still don't have my lung capacity back yet.

Oh, I changed my mind.

I've highlighted the ones that'll go with the food.

Cups and ice? I get to be in charge of cups and ice? / All right. Fine. I will be in charge of cups and ice. / I can get ice at the restaurant / I got it!

Are you doing Joey's: 'The audition didn't go so well... Yeah, it did'? / Yeah, I am!

You know what I mean? Doobies?

We get high. / Me too. / I'm kidding. / Me too.

I'm not married to him anymore. He's my ex-husband. I'm totally gay!

No. We're like best friends. That's why it's weird. / I thought we were just talking.

Yeah, okay, but I have been supporting a 29-year-old Italian for five years.

Good, because we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done.

I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it. If anyone should step aside, it should be Ben.

Hi, no one!

You're like the tagalong dad!

Come on! Have you seen what my kid can do? He dials phones, he eats tortilla chips. He plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

You just give him a spoon, baby.

This commercial belongs to me and Mitch! / Your kid's name is Raymond! / Yeah? So is yours!

You stink! / Thanks. / No, I'm serious. That's because I went down there and they were smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

You look happy and sick. You smoked!

Yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and my fingers sort of smell. I actually feel like I could throw up.

You smell so smoky, I gotta get up. / I'm not kidding. / I think you smell great.

Great! Give me those cigs. Come on! Give it! Out. Done. Quit. / My late husband gave me that lighter. / I'm not kidding. / Okay, then.

So you want to be an actor? I gotta tell you, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability... one day, you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day, you're eating ketchup out of the bottle.

Oh, who am I kidding. I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

What'd I say? / Mmm...noodle soup. / How's that different?

Mmm...noodle soup. Damn it!

I mean, I have patches all over my body, you know? I mean, I haven't slept in two days. / We quit yesterday.

That's counting today.

Busted! Come on! What are you doing? I thought we were the Patch Sisters.

Cup hat, cup banner, cup chandelier, and the thing that started it all: the cup!

Mystical.

No one's eating my food. They're eating her snow cones!

What? My birthday is not for another month. / That's the surprise.

I mean, Chandler's birthday is even before mine. / Surprise!

What's in your hand? / Money. I'm stealing all the money.

But just one, okay? Because nobody knows when my birthday is.

They were menthol.

What kind of an actor can't even say, 'Mmm...noodle soup'?

It's not that I'm a bad actor. No, it's just that I care so damn much about little Ben that it was more important for me to see him succeed.