The One Hundredth

Phoebe:Oh, I'm Phoebe. I have this thing where I don't like babies coming out of me.

Medical Staff:So who's the father?

Phoebe:My brother.

Medical Staff:Your brother?

Phoebe:He's the father. I'm a surrogate.

Phoebe:I used to be a man.

Monica:What?

Phoebe:In another life.

Chandler:Of course you did.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm not afraid of the pain. I'm afraid I'm gonna like it.

Joey:I went back for my jacket.

Joey:Wait... I'm not wearing it. I forgot it again.

Phoebe:Well, at least now she has an excuse for her terrible bedside manner.

Phoebe:Oh, come on! You guys are just saying that because you feel bad for me. But I'm telling you, I'm fine. I'm completely fine!

Monica:Phoebe, we know you're fine.

Phoebe:No, you don't! You think I'm some kind of sad, pathetic loser who can't handle anything!

Rachel:That's not what we think at all.

Phoebe:Well, that's because I'm not! I've been through worse things than this. I've lived on the street, I've been hit by cars, I've had more bad haircuts than all of you combined!

Ross:And then the doctor placed the baby in my arms, and I looked down at this miracle of life, and I thought—

Ross:AHHHHH! My back! My back!

Ross:I can't believe I'm in pain while Phoebe's in labor. This is about me!

Dr. Harad:Don't worry, you're in good hands. I've been practicing medicine for twenty years.

Dr. Harad:Ayyyy!

Frank Jr.:So you're taking Lamaze classes? That's great! My wife and I did that.

Frank Jr.:Yeah, they really help you understand the whole financing process.

Chandler:Financing? Frank, it's about breathing techniques for labor.

Frank Jr.:Right, right. The breathing. But you gotta negotiate the monthly payments. That's the real labor.

Joey:They're all male nurses.

Monica:Oh.

Joey:There's always room for Jello!

Monica:How do you make Jello sound dirty?

Joey:It's not hard. I can make anything sound dirty.

Joey:Like... 'I just got a bowl of fruit.'

Ross:Okay, okay, look at this. This is the first issue of Ms. Magazine. This is very important for you.

Ross:And this... this is a 1957 issue of Popular Mechanics. Very important for you.

Phoebe:Okay, I'm not gonna lie, contractions don't hurt that m—AHHHHHHH!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ross, you're not pregnant.

Ross:I know, but I'm experiencing sympathy pains. It's a real thing.

Phoebe:Yeah, but you're doing it wrong. You're supposed to be sympathetic to *her*, not make it about you.

Dr. Harad:Well, everything looks good. You're carrying triplets.

Phoebe:Oh my God, triplets?

Dr. Harad:Yes. By the way, did you know the Fonz never jumped the shark? The shark jumped him.

Phoebe:What?

Dr. Harad:I'm just saying, medically speaking, it's impressive.

Phoebe:So the doctor comes in, and he's like, 'You've got a case of bronchitis.' And I'm like, 'A case? Make it a keg!'

Phoebe:Then he points at my x-rays and goes, 'Eyyy, that's one healthy heart right there.'

Phoebe:I asked him about my cholesterol and he said, 'Eyyy, it's through the roof!' Like that's a good thing!

Rachel:We're not nothing, Ross. We're just casual.

Doctor:Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I've done this hundreds of times.

Phoebe:Oh, okay. Well, good luck, Doogie.

Joey:Hey, making someone cry on their first day? That's awesome!

Joey:What else could it be?

Doctor:It's kidney stones.

Joey:But what if it's not?

Doctor:It's kidney stones.

Joey:You're sure?

Doctor:It's definitely kidney stones.

Dr. Harad:They'll be born on the Fonz's half-birthday.

Dr. Harad:So when I say I'm like the Fonz, I mean I'm cool and popular.

Joey:Yeah, we got that.

Dr. Harad:I'm not actually a character from a TV show.

Phoebe:This is so special, carrying a baby for Frank Jr. and Alice. I mean, I'm literally giving them the greatest gift anyone could give.

Phoebe:But I have to tell you guys something... I think I want to keep one of the babies.

Phoebe:I'm keeping the baby because I promised Frank Jr. and Alice I would, and I don't break promises. Plus, I'm a very nurturing person.

Monica:Phoebe, you can't just keep a baby like it's a sofa you got on sale.

Phoebe:Why not? I kept that sofa for three years!

Phoebe:Why don't you just tell him that Rachel wants the baby?

Ross:What? No!

Phoebe:Well, he doesn't have to know that it's not true.

Doctor:We're going to have to go up the urethra.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! No way! That is not happening!

Chandler:Joey, what is it?

Joey:I don't know, but it sounds bad!

Dr. Harad:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't say that. You misheard me.

Dr. Harad:I said... I said Mork met Fonzie in a dream. A TV dream.

Dr. Harad:No, no, no — forget everything I just said. Literally everything.

Frank Jr.:Can't you just hold it in until after the holidays?

Frank Jr.:Phoebe, I need you to do me a favor. Can you hold in the babies?

Phoebe:Oh, sure. No problem. I'm doing you a favor by carrying your children.

Ross:So, Dan... nurse, not a doctor, huh? Kind of girlie, isn't it?

Ross:You call yourself a nurse? That's like calling yourself a girlie!

Dan:I served in the military for 12 years.

Ross:Oh... well, that's... that's actually really impressive. I apologize.

Ross:Thanks for doing that for us, by the way.

Phoebe:I want drugs! I want drugs NOW!

Ross:Oh my God, yes! Me too! I want drugs too!

Doctor:It's time to push.

Ross:Yeah, and it's been time for me to push for about twenty minutes now!

Frank Jr.:We're naming him after me. Frank Jr., Junior.

Phoebe:Wait, so his name is Frank Jr., Junior? That's so confusing!

Frank Jr.:What? It's a family name!

Phoebe:So how does the baby look?

Frank:Well, he's got your eyes.

Phoebe:Aw!

Frank:And my mother's chin.

Phoebe:Oh...

Frank:And apparently your brother's whole personality.

Doctor:You need to push again for the second baby.

Phoebe:No, I'm done. I'm tired. One baby, that's it.

Doctor:It's a girl!

Monica:A girl? But we were so sure...

Chandler:Well, I guess our daughter will have the same problem I do.

Monica:What do you mean?

Chandler:People are never sure if I'm a boy or a girl either.

Frank Jr.:The babies are all healthy. Uh, we're expecting thirty.

Monica:Thirty?!

Frank Jr.:Yeah, thirty babies.

Chandler:Oh my God.

Frank Jr.:My wife is gonna have thirty babies.

Rachel:Wait, how is that possible?

Frank Jr.:Well, we were using fertility drugs, and apparently it worked. Really worked.

Ross:Frank, that's... that's not thirty each, that's thirty total, right?

Frank Jr.:Oh. Oh no.

Ross:No, no, no, no, no. 'Goofing around' is when two people who care about each other are just... playing around, having fun, doing silly things together. It doesn't mean anything beyond that.

Rachel:Okay, so it's not a big deal.

Ross:No! It's not a big deal. You can goof around with someone and it doesn't have to mean you're in a relationship or anything.

Rachel:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Ross:I was just gonna do a little dance.

Rachel:No, you're not.

Ross:Okay.

Phoebe:I'm the babies' favorite aunt because I'm literally connected to them. I carried them inside my body. That's a bond that can't be broken. You guys just visited them in the hospital.

Phoebe:What? I've made babies cry before.

Monica:Oh, please. Chandler's not a girl's name. It's a guy's name. A very guy's name. Like... like Brad or Chad or... or Thad.

Monica:We could make your name more feminine.

Chandler:Like what?

Rachel:Chandelle?

Phoebe:Chandrika?

Joey:Chanson?

Ross:Chandelle is actually a type of candle.

Chandler:Great, so I'd be a candle.