The One Where Phoebe Hates Pbs

Monica:I was just napping!

Rachel:Monica, you were on top of him.

Rachel:So what's he like?

Monica:He's cute. Like a non-threatening Ray Liotta.

Rachel:Non-threatening Ray Liotta?

Monica:You know, handsome, but in a safe way.

Ross:I was not being loud! I was just expressing my opinion about the movie!

Rachel:Ross, you were yelling 'That's not how paleontology works!' for twenty minutes.

Ross:Well, it's not! And other people should know that!

Monica:That's what the movie theater is for, Ross. You're supposed to sit quietly and watch.

Ross:But how else is anyone going to learn?

Ross:Hi, is Emily there?

Emily's Mother:No, she's not available right now.

Ross:Well, when she gets back, can you tell her Ross called? It's really important.

Emily's Mother:I'll give her the message.

Ross:Actually, you know what? She probably won't call me back anyway. You people are all useless!

Joey:Yeah, that's a great plan, Ross. Insult her family. What could possibly go wrong?

Chandler:You guys, you are not going to believe the news I have! They're upgrading our office!

Monica:That's great! What are they upgrading?

Chandler:They're putting in new... pencil sharpeners.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. So I need the country code, then the area code, then the number? That's like... that's like three different numbers! How is anyone supposed to remember all that?

Chandler:Yeah, I had it dry-cleaned. There was a little incident at the Christmas party.

Monica:What kind of incident?

Chandler:The vomit kind.

Monica:Oh my God!

Joey:It's good exposure, and it's a good deed.

Chandler:So basically, you're helping the poor, and they're helping you.

Phoebe:I can't believe no one from Sesame Street wrote me back.

Ross:Well, Phoebe, they're puppets. They can't write.

Phoebe:I wrote PBS a letter saying I was homeless and they sent me a keychain. A keychain! What am I supposed to do with a keychain? I don't have any keys! I don't have a home!

Joey:Are you calling me selfish?

Phoebe:No, I'm not calling you selfish. I'm saying that you're a big, selfish jerk!

Joey:A selfless good deed is something you do for someone else with absolutely no benefit to yourself.

Joey:Like, like, like when I helped my friend move, or when I gave money to the homeless.

Chandler:Those aren't selfless, those are just nice things.

Joey:No, no, no. A real selfless good deed is like... last week, I told my little nephew that his dog went to a better place.

Monica:Joey, that's not a good deed!

Joey:No, no, it was totally selfless. The dog died, the kid was upset, so I lied to him. I got nothing out of it!

Ross:Wait, you actually believe in Santa?

Joey:Of course I do.

Ross:Joey, you're a grown man.

Joey:So? Santa's real.

Chandler:Wow. I mean, that's great, Monica. Really great. For you. And... him. Mostly him, probably.

Chandler:What? I'm not laughing about Monica's sex life. I think it's great! Really great. The best. I'm very happy for her. So happy. Did I mention how happy I am?

Chandler:So let me get this straight - Emily wants Ross to move to London, and Ross is considering it? That's like asking me to give up coffee. It's not going to happen, and if it does, I'm not going to be pleasant about it.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross, you gotta treat parenting like a business meeting.

Joey:You schedule it, you show up, and you don't cancel unless it's a really important deal.

Chandler:Yeah, because nothing says 'let's move to London' like having your ex-boyfriend show up at your door with a PowerPoint presentation.

Ross:London would be great! They have the British Museum, incredible history, amazing theatre...

Ross:And they have... they have food. You can eat food there.

Ross:And gravity! Gravity works there too.

Carol:Why does it matter if you have a queen?

Ross:Because then you have a queen!

Carol:No one is moving.

Ben:Actually, I'm moving to London.

Ross:Come on, think about it! Ben gets to live in London, see Big Ben every day...

Ross:I guess you could say he'll really be... a Big Ben-eficiary of the move!

Ross:Look at how excited Ben is about this! He wants to move.

Susan:Oh yes, because a five-year-old's enthusiasm is definitely the basis for major life decisions.

Ross:Look, I'm just saying, you two are like... like Friends, but with more... commitment issues and a lot more yelling. Actually, no—you're like The Golden Girls, except nobody's retired and everyone's angry all the time. Wait, that's not working either. You know what? You're like Designing Women, but nobody designs anything and—okay, I'm just going to stop talking now.

Carol:Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:I'm saying you're a great couple! You're like... Laverne & Shirley, if Laverne and Shirley hated each other!

Joey:What? No! I'm an actor! I've done Shakespeare, I've done Ibsen, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial where I got to cry! I think I can handle hosting!

Phoebe:I can't believe you did that! You're supposed to be mean! I did something nice for you, and you were supposed to ignore me or yell at me or something!

Phoebe:But no, you had to go and be all grateful and nice, and now I feel good about myself. Do you have any idea how that ruins everything?

Phoebe:I need to do a good deed. A completely selfless good deed with no personal gain whatsoever.

Phoebe:Because if I don't, the world will fall apart and all the children will suffer!

Chandler:Wow, Monica, you're really going at that chicken differently tonight.

Monica:What do you mean? I'm just cooking it the same way I always do.

Chandler:No, no, you're being so much more... aggressive. More confident. It's really turning me on.

Monica:Chandler!

Chandler:What? I'm just saying, the way you're handling that meat... if you brought that energy to the bedroom, I'd be a very happy man.

Chandler:Presumably shows an exaggerated celebration dance/pose

Ross:Emily said yes! She's coming to New York!

Ross:I'm going to tell her how I really feel. I'm going to say... 'Emily, I love you. You make me happier than I've ever been. And I know this is crazy, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you.'

Chandler:That's beautiful, man.

Ross:Wait, wait, I'm not done. 'Emily, we'd be idiots not to be together.'

Chandler:You just called her an idiot.

Ross:No, I called US idiots!

Chandler:That's worse!

Ross:Oh, thanks a lot, you guys. That really helped. You've made this decision SO much easier for me.

Chef on TV:Just throw it all in a pot and hope for the best.

Monica:That's it. I'm turning this off.

Monica:I can't believe that chef on TV just told me to cook chicken at 500 degrees for three hours!

Chandler:Yeah, well, at least you didn't follow his advice last week when he said you could make a soufflé in the microwave.

Monica:You followed that advice?

Chandler:Once. We're still finding pieces of egg in the kitchen.

Monica:Chandler, where's my broiling pan?

Chandler:Oh, um... well, we needed it to... to get the pizza out of the oven.

Monica:That's what the pizza cutter is for!

Chandler:Yeah, well, this pizza was a little... stuck.

Monica:Stuck? Chandler, what did you do to my broiling pan?

Chandler:Okay, don't be mad, but... Joey used it as a litter box for the cat.

Monica:My broiling pan is ruined! I need to replace it.

Chandler:I know exactly where to get it. I'll order it from that fancy kitchen store you love.

Chandler:I'd have to be drunk, and even then I'd wake up in the morning and think, 'What was I thinking?'

Phoebe:I found the most perfect selfless good deed. I deliberately got stung by a bee so it wouldn't have to die in the winter.

Joey:What good does the bee sting do? It just hurts you.

Phoebe:Well, it's not about you, Joey. When a bee stings you, it dies. It's like a suicide mission. The bee is like, 'I'm gonna give my life to protect my family.' That's beautiful.

Joey:Yeah, and I'm sure the bee had a great time stinging you before it died.

Phoebe:Oh no! I killed it! I killed the bee! I was just trying to help it outside and I killed it!

Phoebe:Why do I always mess these things up? I can't do anything right!

Joey:We're taking pledges right now. If you'd like to donate, please call the number on your screen.

Monica:Joey! Joey! Can you use a cast iron skillet on a glass-top stove?

Joey:Monica, I'm in the middle of a telethon!

Monica:I know, but I really need to know!

Monica:This pan cost me two hundred dollars! Two hundred dollars!

Monica:You know what? Next time you have duck vomit, just go to Bed Bath & Beyond. They have cheaper stuff.

Chandler:You can't use a Magic 8 Ball for important decisions!

Ross:Why not? It's right 50% of the time, which is better odds than Monica's had with her relationships.

Ross:The Magic 8 Ball is broken.

Chandler:Broken? Let me see that.

Chandler:Will I ever be happy?

Chandler:"Outlook not so good." Yeah, it's broken.

Chandler:Will I have sex tonight?

Chandler:It says no. Well, that's pretty accurate.

Rachel:Oh my God, we're seeing 'Sleepless in Seattle'!

Phoebe:Well, you know, most kids grew up watching Sesame Street, but I grew up in a box under the Manhattan Bridge. So now I like to give back.

Phoebe:I was saving up for a hamster, but then I realized I could get a really nice one for that price.

Joey:A nice hamster? Pheebs, it's a hamster.

Phoebe:Yeah, but this one would have its own tiny apartment.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I can't believe I did something nice and it actually worked out! I'm such a good person!

Phoebe:Wait a minute... I only did it because it made me feel good about myself. That's not selfless at all! I'm a terrible person!

Chandler:Monica, I'm sorry I gloated. You know what? You deserve the credit for my sexual prowess.

Monica:That's sweet, but we both know that's not true.

Chandler:I was nothing before Monica. I mean, sexually I was like a stray dog that had found a chicken wing on the street.

Chandler:We can't stop. We're too good in bed. It's a duty to sexuality itself.

Chandler:Monica, what are you doing with those gloves on?

Monica:I don't know, I find them kind of sexy.

Chandler:You're wearing rubber cleaning gloves.

Monica:So? They're yellow, they're shiny...

Chandler:They smell like Windex.