The One With The Routine

Monica:Oh, what are you, Grandpa? 'Christmas lights are just lights on a house'?

Chandler:Wow, Monica's letting us help decorate the tree? That's amazing!

Monica:Well, I thought it would be nice to share the experience.

Chandler:How much have you had to drink?

Monica:Christmas is about loved ones, not about having the perfect tree.

Monica:Ta-da!

Monica:The tree is perfect.

Ross:It needs something.

Ross:There we go. Now it feels like Christmas.

Monica:You just turned it slightly.

Ross:I know.

Ross:Christmas trees date back 4000 years to ancient Egypt.

Chandler:Wow, so you've been talking about this the whole time?

Chandler:Oh yeah, that's irresistible. Nothing says 'date me' like standing on one leg while contorting your spine.

Joey:She's so sweet. She like, she feeds me, she bathes me, she does these bizarre, overly intimate things to me like I'm a pet or a deity or something.

Chandler:That sounds like you're describing caring for a monkey.

Joey:I'm totally over Janine. It's fine. We're just friends now.

Joey:I mean, sure, I fed her grapes last night, but that doesn't mean anything. People feed each other grapes all the time.

Joey:It was just... grapes. Casual grapes.

Janine:Wait, what's the name of that show? Dick... Dick's New Year's Eve? Dick's Rockin' Eve? Something Dick?

Monica:Oh my God, Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve! This is so exciting!

Janine:You know, for someone who complains about her life so much, you sure do get excited about the dumbest things.

Joey:Ha ha ha!

Monica:Joey, you're the one who's in the embarrassing situation here.

Joey:Janine, I know we said we weren't gonna do this, but it's New Year's Eve. It's like a free pass!

Janine:Joey, no!

Joey:Come on, everyone kisses on New Year's Eve. It doesn't mean anything!

Monica:Joey, that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard.

Ross:Oh, come on! Last year I forgot my Chap Stick at Chandler's apartment.

Monica:That's even worse!

Ross:No, it's not! My lips were really chapped!

Ross:Hey, hey, hey! I'm here! Did you see me? I was so cool just then, wasn't I?

Director/Other:Yes, very cool.

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God! This is incredible! I'm actually here! On a real TV set! Is that a real camera? That's a real camera! Oh man, oh man, this is the best day of my life!

Rachel:Okay, so we're looking for Monica's birthday present.

Phoebe:Yeah, what do you think she'd like?

Chandler:Well, I'm already wrapped and under the tree.

Chandler:Oh wow, a tradition! You know what they say—tradition makes things better. That's why we still use leeches for medicine and think the Earth is flat.

Rachel:She's like a... a minx.

Rachel:Chandler, you have to help us find presents for Monica and Ross.

Chandler:Why? I'm not good at picking gifts.

Rachel:Because you're their friend! Monica would do it for you.

Chandler:Monica's different, she likes shopping.

Rachel:So you're saying Monica cares about you more than you care about them?

Chandler:No, that's not what I'm saying.

Rachel:Because that's what it sounds like. Monica, Ross... they're always there for you. And you can't spend one afternoon helping them?

Chandler:Rachel, come on...

Rachel:I'm just saying, when you really needed us, we were there. But I guess that doesn't mean anything to you.

Monica:Oh my God, you guys! Look what I found in the closet!

Chandler:What is it?

Monica:There's a note attached. It says: 'Dear everyone, if you're reading this, it means you found my present. I want you to know that I anticipated every single one of your reactions. Chandler will cave in approximately 2.3 seconds and ask what's inside.'

Chandler:So what's inside?

Rachel:What? No! We would never search your closet!

Phoebe:Yeah, that would be totally wrong and invasive and weird!

Rachel:We respect your privacy completely!

Phoebe:Absolutely, we never go in there.

Rachel:Not even to borrow things or see what you bought.

Phoebe:Or to check out your sweater collection.

Chandler:It's in the box under the bed in Joey's—I mean, not in the box. There is no box. I don't know what you're talking about.

Chandler:Forget I said anything. I said nothing. My mouth didn't move.

Ross:I can see why they're not wearing underwear.

Guy:Can I dance with Janine? I think I have a shot.

Ross:No, you don't.

Monica:These are crap.

Chandler:I bought those.

Monica:Oh! So A and Z are bookends!

Monica:Like... 'Az'?

Ross:Wait, wait! I can do this! I can dance!

Ross:Look, I'll even take my underwear off like the other dancers!

Joey:So this girl Janine, she's really something special, you know?

Tall Guy:Yeah, she sounds great.

Joey:I mean, I've never felt this way about anyone before.

Tall Guy:That's wonderful, man. I'm actually married, and I gotta tell you, I'm thinking about cheating on my wife.

Chandler:What, did you think Joey was in second grade?

Joey:Hey! I didn't splash him on purpose!

Chandler:Yeah, well, you're the one with wet pants.

Monica:Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!

Chandler:Wow, you two have really obvious talent. You should be on Broadway.

Joey:Yeah, that was... something.

Production Assistant:That routine is so tight, so well-rehearsed... it's perfect for the blooper reel!

Joey:I didn't wet my pants!

Production Assistant:Sure you didn't, pal. Out you go.

Crowd:Yeah, get out of here! Wetter! Ha ha!

Joey:No Year?

Phoebe:Birds have this incredible sense of direction. They can find anything.

Chandler:Yeah, that's great, but they migrate south for the winter. They're not gonna help you find your Christmas presents.

Chandler:Oh, look, a bird!

Rachel:Yeah, Chandler, why don't you go catch it instead of making sarcastic comments?

Chandler:Well, I was thinking of getting her something nice, but after she called my gift a 'chandraleeer,' I'm thinking of just getting her a dictionary.

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God! I found them! They're under the bed!

Monica:Don't look at them!

Phoebe:I'm not looking at them!

Rachel:Just back away slowly.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I'm backing away. Why am I backing away like they're going to explode?

Monica:Because they might!

Chandler:You know, Christmas is about more than just presents. It's about the spirit of giving, about family, about cherishing the moments we have together.

Rachel:Oh my God, Linus! Where's your blanket?

Monica:I got you the perfect gift!

Chandler:Oh wow... thanks.

Monica:What? What's with that face?

Chandler:What face? This is my happy face.

Monica:No it's not. That's your disappointed face. That's the exact face I was trying to avoid!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?

Janine:I wanted to do that.

Joey:You did?

Janine:Yeah, I've wanted to kiss you for a while now.

Joey:Well, hey! My crazy scheme actually worked!

Joey:So do you want to kiss again?

Janine:Well, maybe we should wait until the actual New Year's.

Janine:No, forget that!

Joey:Okay, people, we're doing a countdown! Five... four... three... two... one...

Janine:Joey, you literally just counted down from five.

Joey:I know! I'm warming up! We need to do it again. Everyone, back to your positions!

Janine:We're in a living room. There are no positions.

Joey:Exactly! That's the problem. We need to choreograph this. Chandler, stand there. Monica, you're over there. Rachel—

Janine:Joey, what are we even counting down to?

Joey:I don't know, but when we get to one, it better be SPECTACULAR!

Monica:Remember when we used to do that routine together?

Ross:Yeah, the trapeze act. You'd swing out and I'd catch you.

Monica:Well, you didn't catch me last time.

Ross:That was one time!

Monica:You dropped me on my head, Ross.

Ross:And you're fine! Mostly fine.

Rachel:We could still do our routine.

Rachel:I mean, we're not bigger... we're stronger.

Monica:Okay, let's try this again. Ready?

Ross:Yeah, I'm ready.

Monica:One, two, three!

Ross:Whoa! Oof!

Chandler:Wow. That was... exactly as bad as last time.