The One With The Apothecary Table

Joey:I know, I know. It's never gonna happen.

Chandler:That's right, buddy. She's way out of your league.

Monica:Besides, she's your dance partner. It would be too complicated.

Joey:Yeah, you guys are right. I mean, what was I thinking? We just kissed.

Rachel:Wait, what?!

Joey:So we kissed? That's awesome! I mean, not awesome for me, but awesome for you guys. You know what I mean.

Friend:What happened after the kiss?

Joey:I abandoned Janine to tell my friends instead of staying with her.

Joey:Kissing Janine is like... it's like my mom's cooking. You never want it to end!

Joey:Kissing her is like when my mom makes her special lasagna.

Chandler:Oh thank God you stopped there.

Rachel:Chandler, can you throw away all the mail except the Pottery Barn catalog?

Chandler:So you're saying I'm not the garbage man, I'm the Pottery Barn man?

Rachel:Look at this apothecary table I found! Isn't it amazing?

Chandler:That's great, Rach. Do you know what an apothecary is?

Rachel:Of course! It's... it's a really old, fancy table thing.

Ross:Well, an apothecary is a person who prepared and sold medicines and drugs.

Rachel:Oh, so you're a know-it-all now? I ask you one question and suddenly you're an expert on everything!

Joey:They kicked me out! I was just sitting on the bed!

Monica:Joey, what exactly were you doing?

Joey:I may have... taken off my shirt.

Monica:And?

Joey:And I got under the covers.

Phoebe:I want furniture with a history. You know, something that's been loved before.

Rachel:Well, this chair is from White Plains.

Phoebe:White Plains? That's perfect! Who owned it?

Rachel:I don't know, but it was shipped from there.

Ross:God awful ceramic.

Monica:I made that.

Ross:Oh... I... well, it's... the, uh, the color really brings out the... it's a lovely bowl.

Monica:I made the fruit bowl.

Monica:It was made from garbage, making it even worse.

Chandler:Yeah, because in 1987, we all knew we'd need to store 300 CDs. Who could've predicted the future? Oh wait, I just did. Hey, speaking of predictions, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "That'll be five bucks." The man says, "What if I told you I could make any wish come true?" The bartender says, "I'd say you're drunk." The man says, "Watch this," and he pulls out a tiny man, three feet tall, playing a tiny violin. The bartender says, "Okay, you've got me. What's the catch?" The man says, "The catch? He's a terrible violinist, but he's got great hands."

Monica:Oh my God, this is going to be so much fun! We can go to that new restaurant and then maybe catch a movie, and then we can come back here and play board games! This is going to be the best double date ever!

Janine:Oh, hey Monica, Chandler! Great to see you guys!

Monica:Janine! We were hoping to grab coffee with you sometime.

Janine:Yeah, totally! That sounds... fun. Um, you know what, I'm actually going to be really busy. Like, forever.

Chandler:Forever?

Janine:Yeah. So... goodbye!

Joey:What's wrong with Monica and Chandler?

Janine:Well, Monica's a little too intense, and Chandler's too sarcastic. Monica's always cleaning, and Chandler never takes anything seriously.

Joey:Okay, okay, I'll stop hanging out with them. In fact, I'll sell them to you!

Janine:What?

Joey:Yeah! Chandler's a great guy, very funny. Monica's organized, really clean. Phoebe's got that whole quirky thing going on...

Janine:Joey, you can't sell your friends.

Joey:Why not? I'll give you a good price!

Rachel:See? I told you I went to the flea market!

Phoebe:Yeah, because I could totally tell by looking at you.

Rachel:Exactly! Thank you!

Phoebe:You can almost smell the opium.

Rachel:Yeah.

Phoebe:Five hundred dollars?!

Rachel:Well, Phoebe, it's a very rare piece. The pricing reflects its historical significance and market value.

Phoebe:Historical significance? It's a table!

Rachel:Exactly! A table from 1987. Do you know how many tables they made that year? Thousands. Which means this one is practically an antique.

Phoebe:So that'll be fifty dollars?

Rachel:Um, actually it's... it's forty-five dollars.

Phoebe:What period is this table from?

Rachel:Oh, it's from... yore.

Rachel:This table is from White Plains.

Phoebe:White Plains? Oh, that sounds so beautiful. Like, I'm picturing white, rolling plains with, like, white horses running through them.

Monica:It's a suburb in Westchester.

Phoebe:Oh.

Ross:Wait, you hate Pottery Barn? How is that even possible? It's Pottery Barn!

Rachel:Ross, not everyone loves it as much as you do.

Ross:But it's... it's Pottery Barn! What's not to love?

Ross:I could hide the table... you know, just put it in storage for a while.

Monica:Ross, that table is a classic! You can't hide it.

Ross:Well, I was thinking about it, but then I started looking at the new Pottery Barn catalog and—oh my God, Monica, have you seen their fall collection? They have this ottoman that would go perfectly in my apartment!

Monica:Ross... the table?

Ross:Right, yes, but seriously, they also have these throw pillows in this incredible taupe that would really tie the room together.

Ross:Wait, why do you hate Pottery Barn so much?

Phoebe:Because it's a place where they take wood and trees and they kill them.

Ross:Phoebe, they have to kill trees to make furniture. That's how it works.

Phoebe:I know, but Pottery Barn is just so... corporate.

Ross:Oh! Oh! I know why you hate it. You're a twin. Your mother probably bought you and your sister matching furniture from there.

Phoebe:No, she didn't.

Ross:Well, that's probably why you hate it!

Monica:Phoebe likes unique things, okay? She wants things that are one-of-a-kind.

Ross:Well, technically, she's one-of-a-kind. I mean, unless you count her twin.

Phoebe:You shop at flea markets? That's so cheap!

Ross:They're not cheap, Phoebe. They're vintage.

Phoebe:Yeah, vintage cheap.

Joey:She's got a really bad cold. Yeah, she's been coughing all night. And sneezing. A lot of sneezing.

Joey:Actually, it's worse than that. She's got a fever. Like, a really high fever. She can barely get out of bed.

Joey:And the congestion! Oh man, you should hear her trying to breathe. It's like... it's like a diseased walrus in there.

Joey:Plus she's been, uh... she's been having some digestive issues. Really unpleasant stuff. I can't really describe it.

Joey:There's colors involved. Colors that shouldn't exist in nature.

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm sure she just happened to walk by right after you told us you coughed up a lung.

Joey:Look, I can explain. I was gonna go to the thing, but Janine needed me, so I had to... you know, take one for the team.

Chandler:That's not what 'take one for the team' means.

Joey:Well, it should be!

Joey:She doesn't want to hang out with me anymore because... okay, fine. She thinks I'm stupid.

Chandler:Well, that's not true.

Joey:No, she said it. She said I was dumb, that I had no depth, and that I couldn't hold an intelligent conversation to save my life.

Monica:Joey, come on. You're not stupid.

Joey:Yeah? Then why does everyone always treat me like I am?

Monica:I am NOT loud!

Chandler:I'm not blah! I'm exciting! I do exciting things!

Chandler:I went to the bank yesterday. I got a new checking account. They gave me a toaster.

Chandler:I just tell Monica I have to work late.

Joey:She buys that?

Chandler:Every time. She doesn't even question it anymore.

Monica:I don't like Janine.

Monica:I mean, she's not terrible, but I don't like her.

Monica:Actually, you know what? I really don't like her.

Monica:She's loud and annoying and she takes up space!

Monica:And another thing — I'M loud and annoying!

Ross:Phoebe, could you please take your feet off my table?

Phoebe:Oh, come on Ross, it's not a big deal.

Ross:It IS a big deal. This table is very... it's a really nice table and—

Rachel:*gives warning look*

Ross:—and I'm not a uptight person who cares about these things at all.

Rachel:No, no, no! Pottery Barn didn't copy you. You copied Pottery Barn.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, Ross's table is like opium. You do it once and you're addicted. Rachel's table is like, you do it once and you're like, 'Meh, I could take it or leave it.'

Ross:Do you have any idea how much these sheets cost? They're Egyptian cotton, 1000 thread count!

Phoebe:Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't know it was expensive. I thought you got it from like, a flea market or something.

Janine:What are you guys doing?

Monica:Oh, you know, just blah blah blah.

Monica:Blah blah blah blah blah.

Joey:Monica and Chandler owe me big time.

Monica:Why? What did you do?

Joey:What did I do? I got you two together! I'm the reason you're married!

Chandler:Joey, you didn't get us together.

Joey:Oh yeah? Remember when Monica was upset and I told her to go talk to you?

Monica:That never happened.

Joey:Well, I should get credit anyway. So you owe me. Big time. We're talking money here.

Chandler:How much are we talking?

Joey:I don't know... fifty thousand dollars?

Monica:Fifty thousand dollars?!

Joey:Yeah. For my services as a matchmaker.

Chandler:Joey, that's insane.

Joey:Is it? Because I happen to know you two just bought a new apartment.

Monica:We're not giving you fifty thousand dollars.

Joey:Fine. Twenty thousand.

Chandler:Still no.

Joey:Ten thousand?

Monica:Joey...

Joey:Five? Okay, fine, you can just buy me dinner.

Chandler:Now we're talking.

Joey:But only because you're pregnant.

Monica:Two hundred dollars? Joey, you made eight hundred dollars!

Chandler:Monica, don't—

Monica:What? He should know how much money he made!

Monica:We didn't pay you.

Joey:I know! That's what I'm complaining about!

Ross:This is nice. Did you just move in, or did a Pottery Barn catalog explode in here?

Phoebe:What's the story behind this birdcage?

Rachel:Oh, it's this gorgeous Victorian birdcage I found at this amazing antique store in SoHo. It's hand-carved, probably from the 1800s, and it has all these intricate details and—

Phoebe:It's a room divider.

Rachel:Yes, a very rare, very expensive room divider.

Rachel:There's like... the olden days. And then stuff happened. And now we're here.

Phoebe:Come on, Rach, help Ross redecorate. It'll be fun!

Rachel:I don't know, Phoebs. I'm pretty busy.

Phoebe:Please? He's got all this junk he needs to get rid of.

Ross:Junk? Phoebe, those are my paleontology books and fossil collections.

Phoebe:Exactly! All that old stuff just cluttering up the place.

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! This is from Pottery Barn!

Phoebe:I can't believe I have Pottery Barn furniture. I'm a sellout! I'm a corporate shill!

Phoebe:This is so embarrassing. What if people find out?

Phoebe:Although... this throw pillow is really comfortable. And it's on sale?

Phoebe:Do you think they have matching curtains?

Phoebe:I really want that lamp, but I feel so guilty.

Rachel:Why? It's just a lamp.

Phoebe:Because it's expensive and I don't need it.

Rachel:Okay, but think about it this way—you're supporting the lamp maker's family.

Phoebe:Oh! And the store owner needs to pay rent!

Rachel:Exactly. You'd basically be helping the economy.

Phoebe:I'm getting the lamp.

Monica:So, did everyone have fun tonight?

Everyone:Yeah, it was great!

Monica:Wonderful. I'm calling a realtor tomorrow. We're moving.

Chandler:Blah? Did you just call me blah? I'm not blah. I'm... I'm a very specific kind of interesting. I'm the guy who makes fun of people who use words like 'kinetic energy' to describe their interpretive dance moves.

Janine:That's not funny. Dance is about expressing your inner truth through movement.

Chandler:Right, and my inner truth is that you're pretentious.

Janine:Blah! Blah! Blah!

Chandler:What does 'blah' mean?

Janine:Blah blah blah blah blah!

Chandler:Monica, don't do this. You'll lose. She's a dancer. You're a chef. She'll kick you, and you'll just... season her.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. You called me loud?

Janine:Yes, and I stand by it.

Monica:I am not loud! I have a normal speaking voice!

Janine:You're doing it right now.

Monica:I am NOT—

Joey:What am I gonna do? Monica's so mad at me.

Chandler:Well, you could always let her hit you. I mean, I'd pay to see that.

Ross:I'm going to a geology lecture tomorrow night. It's about sedimentary rocks. Want to come?

Joey:A lecture? About rocks? Sure!

Ross:Really? I thought you'd think it was boring.

Joey:Are you kidding? Free entertainment, air conditioning, and I get to sit down for two hours? That's a great night out!