The One With The Joke

Ross:You're not gonna believe this!

Chandler:You found porn magazines in your apartment?

Ross:What? No!

Chandler:Your roommate's porn magazines?

Ross:No, Chandler, it's not about porn magazines.

Joey:Videos? What videos? I don't know what you're talking about.

Chandler:Joey, come on.

Joey:No, seriously! I rent movies from Blockbuster like a normal person.

Monica:Playboy has jokes?

Ross:Yes! They have very funny, intelligent humor. And they have interviews with interesting people, and articles about science and current events.

Monica:So you read it for the articles?

Ross:Yes!

Monica:Oh, that's what you told Mom too!

Monica:That's so funny!

Chandler:Yeah, I know. I made it up.

Chandler:I told Dan your joke.

Ross:Oh, thanks for telling someone my joke secondhand. That's great.

Joey:Hey, this is a great joke! You guys are gonna love this.

Joey:So a penguin walks into a bar...

Ross:Don't you remember? I told you this joke like a month ago.

Monica:Ross, I don't remember what you told me five minutes ago.

Joey:Hey guys, you're both missing the point. The real reason people buy that magazine is for the pictures of the beautiful women.

Joey:Hey, you guys want to come over to my place? I'm gonna watch this Heart documentary.

Joey:Yeah, I'm really interested in seeing what the band members looked like when they were thinner.

Joey:Why does all this music today sound like cats being murdered in a blender?

Joey:Back in my day, we had real singers. Frank Sinatra didn't need a computer to sound good.

Joey:Now it's all beep-boop-beep. What happened to melody? What happened to class?

Chandler:Yeah, sure, I can loan you the money. How much do you need?

Joey:About two grand. It's for rent and stuff.

Chandler:Two grand? Joey, that's a lot of—

Joey:I know, I know. But remember my old roommate? That girl who used to live with me?

Chandler:The hot one?

Joey:Yeah... she was something else.

Chandler:Okay, you know what? Forget the two grand.

Joey:What? Why?

Chandler:Because now I'm thinking about her too and I can't remember what we were talking about.

Joey:Yeah, well, the cable company's threatening to shut me off.

Ross:Joey, how much do you owe them?

Joey:Three months.

Ross:Three months? Joey, that's like... a lot of money.

Joey:I know! But that's not even the worst part.

Ross:What do you mean?

Joey:I also owe the electric company, the phone company, and my landlord hasn't seen rent in two months.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Joey, is that... is that a real woman?

Joey:Yes, Pheebs, it's a real woman.

Phoebe:But where are all her clothes? And why is she so... shiny?

Phoebe:Oh, yes! Yes, they do. Look, this one is about a woman who's waiting for her husband to come home from the war. She's wearing a negligee because it makes her feel close to him, and she's looking out the window with such hope and longing...

Phoebe:And this one? This is a young girl who just discovered she's beautiful, and she's celebrating her self-discovery in a healthy, empowering way.

Phoebe:Well, maybe she just needs to retrace her steps. Like, she probably remembers where she took her clothes off.

Joey:Hey Phoebs, check this out.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Joey!

Joey:What? Everyone does this. You're telling me you've never done this?

Phoebe:No! And I can't believe you just... did that.

Joey:Well, I'm not ashamed. It's a natural thing.

Joey:Okay, so she's beautiful, she's smart... but can she make a fire without matches?

Joey:Does she know how to build a shelter? Can she identify edible plants?

Joey:Because when the apocalypse comes, Joey Tribbiani needs a woman who can survive, not just look good in a centerfold.

Joey:So if you had to date one of us, who would it be?

Phoebe:Rachel.

Joey:Wait, what? I mean... that's cool, I was just curious.

Phoebe:No, I mean— I didn't mean— I was just saying the first name that came to mind!

Joey:Yeah, yeah, totally. I wasn't even... I was asking hypothetically.

Phoebe:Right. Hypothetically. Obviously.

Phoebe:I didn't understand the joke.

Phoebe:I thought you were actually talking about a duck walking into a pharmacy.

Phoebe:I don't get it.

Ross:You don't get it? It's a paleontology joke!

Phoebe:Oh, well, I don't know anything about that.

Ross:Well, it's not that complicated. See, a dinosaur walks into a bar—

Phoebe:Oh! A dinosaur! Why didn't you just say that?

Ross:Because the whole point of MY joke is that you're supposed to know about the Mesozoic Era!

Ross:That's my joke! I came up with that!

Chandler:No, that's my joke. And I got paid for it.

Ross:You got paid for it?

Chandler:Yeah, a guy at work laughed so hard he gave me twenty bucks to stop.

Chandler:I'm going to deposit this check at the bank and really impress the teller with my literary credentials.

Monica:Chandler, that's a Playboy check. That's not a literary achievement.

Chandler:Well, technically, Playboy does have articles. I read it for the articles!

Joey:I can't pay for coffee. Paying for things is a luxury.

Joey:A coffee shop? Gunther, I'm an actor. I've been on Days of Our Lives. I can't just go from playing a heart surgeon to making lattes.

Gunther:It's a good job, Joey. You'd be helping people.

Joey:Yeah, helping them get caffeine. That's not a career trajectory, that's a career nosedive. Next you'll want me working at a car wash.

Gunther:Well, we offer great health insurance, dental coverage, and unlimited coffee for all employees.

Gunther:Plus, you get to work in the same place as Rachel every single day, watching her, being near her, knowing exactly where she is at all times...

Gunther:I mean— uh, great coworkers. Very professional environment.

Chandler:That's it! I'm starting a joke registry. Every joke I tell, I'm filing it with the U.S. Patent Office. Could I BE any more serious about this?

Chandler:I'm gonna get little certificates made up. 'Chandler Bing's Original Joke Number 47.' With a hologram. Very official.

Chandler:Maybe it's the sound of Ross climbing into my brain to steal my thoughts.

Monica:You two look really cute together.

Monica:I mean, not that I care or anything. It's just an observation. A completely neutral observation about how adorable you both are. Which doesn't bother me at all.

Phoebe:Because you're not cool!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I gotta go!

Monica:I am not high maintenance!

Phoebe:No, no, you're right. You're totally not high maintenance. I was just kidding.

Rachel:I'm not a pushover!

Monica:Oh no, of course not. You're totally assertive.

Rachel:I'm not a pushover. I can be assertive. I'm going to say something and I really mean it.

Rachel:I don't... I don't really like it when you do that thing with your hair.

Rachel:I mean, it's fine. It looks good. Do you think I was too harsh?

Rachel:I'm not a pushover, Monica. I can stand up for myself.

Monica:That's nice, but we're not going to that restaurant.

Rachel:Oh, okay. Whatever you want is fine.

Gunther:Put on your apron.

Joey:But I'm a regular customer! I should be treated like a regular customer.

Chandler:That apron really brings out your eyes. Oh wait, no, it's covering them.

Chandler:Okay, here's your first tip as a waiter: never sleep with the boss's daughter.

Joey:That's not a tip, that's just advice!

Chandler:Well, you're not getting any money from me.

Rachel:Joey, you can't contaminate the food just because a customer is rude.

Joey:Why not?

Rachel:Because it's wrong! And illegal!

Joey:Even just a little spit?

Joey:Hey! Welcome to Central Perk, guys! Great to see you! What can I get you?

Chandler:Joey, you're working here now?

Joey:Yeah! I'm the new guy. I'm gonna be really nice to all my friends.

Joey:Actually, you guys have to leave. My manager said I can't have friends hanging out. Bad for business.

Rachel:What? Joey, come on!

Joey:I'm sorry, I really am. But rules are rules. Out you go!

Monica:You're so flaky, Phoebe.

Rachel:Yeah, you really are.

Phoebe:I know. I'm like a croissant.

Phoebe:Oh, I don't know. I think you guys are like, really grounded and normal.

Phoebe:Wait, what were we talking about?

Joey:I went on this audition today for a great part. It was amazing! The whole role is just one line.

Joey:I had to say, 'Hey, I'm saving that seat for a friend.'

Joey:This is it! My big break! One line on a major TV show!

Gunther:Yeah, well, don't spend it all in one place.

Chandler:Okay, everyone has to leave. Central Perk is closed.

Monica:Why? What happened?

Chandler:There's been an incident. A very serious incident involving... a Playboy centerfold.

Rachel:What?

Chandler:Yes, she was here promoting her anti-drug campaign, and she accidentally knocked over the espresso machine, and now we have to shut down for... safety reasons.

Joey:A Playboy centerfold? Here? Now?

Chandler:Well, she left. But the point is, she's very committed to keeping drugs out of coffee shops, so this whole area is now a drug-free zone and everyone needs to go.

Phoebe:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Chandler:It's government mandated! Now go!

Ross:Monica, I need you to think about this carefully. I'm your brother, and I only want what's best for you. Remember when I helped you through that difficult time? I've always been there for you.

Chandler:Yeah, and remember when I told you that story about my childhood trauma? The one that made you cry for three hours? Well, I made that up. So clearly you owe me now.

Chandler:I'm trying to explain something here, Monica!

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You just said the opposite thing two seconds ago.

Chandler:Fine! You want a baby? I'll give you TWO babies!

Ross:I work with monkeys. I have a monkey. I think it's safe to say I know a little bit about monkeys.

Ross:This is MY joke!

Monica:Okay, that joke is terrible and offensive to multiple groups.

Monica:That was beautiful, Chandler. You really nailed it.

Phoebe:Yeah, it was nice. But did you see that guy outside? I think he was following me.

Chandler:You're not high maintenance. You're just... high... maintenance.

Monica:That's the same thing!

Chandler:No, no, no. One is a problem. The other is just... a lot of upkeep. Which I'm willing to do. Because I love you.

Rachel:Wait, you're okay with not being Monica's girlfriend choice? I'm jealous of your confidence right now.

Gunther:Okay.

Rachel:I just stood up to Gunther! I told him exactly what I thought!

Gunther:Rachel, could you give up your seat?

Rachel:Of course!

Joey:Monica!

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not playing this game.