The One Where Chandler Cant Cry (2)

Joey:Oh, hey Monica, I was just... wait, Rachel moved out, right?

Monica:Yeah, like three months ago.

Joey:Oh thank God. Yeah, I'm just here stealing food.

Joey:So let me get this straight. You're dating Rachel's sister?

Ross:Yes.

Joey:And that's allowed?

Ross:What do you mean 'allowed'?

Joey:I mean, can I date Monica's sister?

Chandler:Monica doesn't have a sister.

Joey:Well, now I'm just confused about what's on the table.

Monica:Joey, you keep stealing food from the fridge!

Joey:I know.

Monica:And you're not going to stop?

Joey:No.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! What are you talking about? Ross isn't a pervert. I'm a pervert. There's a difference.

Joey:Besides, the guy across the street? Now that's a pervert. I've seen things...

Monica:Oh my God! What is that?!

Rachel:What? What is it?

Monica:I don't even want to know what that is or what it does.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Monica:That is just wrong on so many levels.

Monica:I can't believe you slept with my sister!

Chandler:Monica, we've been over this. It was one time, and we were both—

Monica:I don't want to hear it! You betrayed my trust!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey... if you don't forgive him by tomorrow, I'm gonna start sleeping with her too.

Ross:So... you want to see my fossil slides?

Jill:Um... sure?

Ross:Great! I've organized them chronologically by geological period. This first one is a trilobite from the Cambrian period, approximately 521 million years ago. Notice the three-lobed structure of the exoskeleton...

Ross:What? Fossil slides are genuinely seductive. I once had a girl completely mesmerized by my Triassic period collection.

Rachel:Oh yeah, the vibe. You know, the vibe that says 'I find you attractive, but I'm not interested in you romantically, so let's just be friends and occasionally make things awkward.'

Ross:That is not the vibe I got.

Rachel:Well, that's the vibe she was giving.

Joey:I cried at Bambi.

Joey:My mother took me to see it, and when Bambi's mother got shot, I just started crying.

Joey:My mother was like, 'Don't worry, that's not gonna happen to you.' But it was too late, I was already scared.

Chandler:Yeah, well, it's not real. It's just drawings. You know, if they really wanted to make it sad, they would've had Bambi's mother die in childbirth.

Joey:Okay, okay, I got it. A puppy that can talk, right? And he's going through a really rough divorce...

Chandler:Joey, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Joey:Wait, wait! But the puppy... he's also a tax attorney. And he's losing custody of his human child.

Chandler:Could we get copies of that? My office is very depressing.

Monica:Oh my God, Chandler, look at you! You were so cute!

Chandler:Yeah, well, that was before my parents decided not to show up for Parents' Day.

Monica:Chandler, you're crying.

Chandler:No I'm not.

Monica:You're having a feelings day.

Fan:You're so talented!

Phoebe:Thank you! You know, I'm talented because people tell me I'm talented, and people tell me I'm talented because I'm talented. It's a beautiful circle.

Chandler:Wait, you're that actress from... oh my God, you're Ursula Buffay!

Phoebe:No, that's my twin sister. I'm Phoebe Buffay.

Chandler:Right, right. So what movies have you been in?

Phoebe:Well, I was in a few indie films and—

Joey:Dude, I've definitely seen you in 'Saving Ryan's Privates.'

Phoebe:That's not me! That's Ursula!

Ross:What about 'Forrest Hump'?

Monica:Or 'Pulp Friction'?

Phoebe:Oh my God, you guys!

Gunther:Well, if he comes back, I'll tell him he's not welcome here. Although, I gotta say, if Phoebe ever does make a porn movie, I have some title suggestions: 'Inspect Her Gadget.'

Rachel:You have to meet Bob from my office. He's such an up-and-comer.

Jill:I don't know, Rachel...

Rachel:No, really, he's perfect for you. He's this great up-and-comer.

Monica:Rachel, maybe choose different words?

Jill:I'm not going on a blind date with some random guy.

Rachel:He's not random, he has a name. It's Bob.

Jill:I know I'm not perfect. I'm too critical, too demanding, and way too ambitious for my own good.

Jill:But honestly, who else could pull off being this flawed AND this fabulous at the same time?

Rachel:Fashion sense being as important as intelligence

Rachel:Jill always wants what she can't have.

Jill:That's not true! I can have lots of things. Ice cream, pizza, milk...

Rachel:Jill, you're lactose intolerant.

Jill:Exactly! I can't have those things, so I want them!

Jill:Who is Bob?

Rachel:Bob is in accounting!

Jill:I don't know any Bob.

Rachel:BOB! In ACCOUNTING! He sits right there!

Rachel:She's like Princess Caroline!

Monica:Oh my God, I know! I mean, I have a palace, I wear a tiara to brunch, and I'm constantly being photographed by paparazzi!

Chandler:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Joey:What? What is it?

Chandler:There's a porn video called 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and it stars... Phoebe!

Ross:What?!

Monica:That's not Phoebe!

Chandler:Well, the box says it is!

Chandler:I was just walking by, and I thought I'd pop in and see if they had any instructional videos on how to... fold a fitted sheet.

Chandler:But then I realized that was ridiculous, so I looked for something else instead.

Chandler:Oh, so now bad childhood equals porn? My father left, my mother was a gay cabaret star, and I turned out fine!

Chandler:My childhood wasn't that bad. I turned out perfectly normal.

Monica:Chandler, you're not normal. You're actually insane.

Phoebe:It's called 'Nosfer-atu.'

Joey:Nos-fer-what?

Phoebe:Nosferatu. It's a vampire movie. But in this one, he's a real tool.

Joey:What are you watching?

Ross:I'm not watching... I was just looking at her ankles!

Chandler:Wow, look at her move!

Joey:Yeah, she's got some serious skills.

Ross:You know, she's actually a very talented actress. It's not all about... that. You guys are being total perverts.

Chandler:Wait, it's not Phoebe?

Chandler:Oh my God, I was wrong. I take back everything I said. That was actually pretty good.

Chandler:Oh! Phoebe! Hi! We were just... watching... uh... National Geographic.

Phoebe:Oh cool! What are they doing?

Chandler:They're... uh... mating.

Monica:Oh my God, I just realized something. We've had this couch for seven years.

Monica:And it's falling apart. We need new furniture.

Monica:I love you even though you can't cry.

Chandler:So what, I'm the Tin Man?

Monica:I don't care if you can't cry. I love you anyway. It doesn't matter to me.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:Really. I mean, so what if you can't cry? There are lots of things you can't do.

Monica:But I love all of you, even the parts that don't work.

Monica:Okay, now cry.

Chandler:What?

Monica:Cry! Come on, cry right now!

Chandler:I can't just cry on command.

Monica:Why not?! I just said I loved you unconditionally!

Ross:Hey! Oh, uh, hi Jill.

Jill:Hi Ross! I was in the neighborhood...

Ross:Oh, that's great! Come in, come in.

Ross:I was just, uh... I was expecting some kids. Trick-or-treating. Halloween. You know how it is.

Jill:Oh, on Halloween?

Ross:Yeah, they can be real troublemakers. So I was just preparing myself mentally. You know, getting in the zone.

Jill:Oh, come on, Ross. Just a few more slides. I'm really interested in your work.

Ross:Really? You want to see more?

Jill:Of course! Tell me more about the, um... the rocks and the... fossilization process.

Ross:Well, it's actually quite fascinating...

Chandler:And he's off.

Ursula:Come on, Phoebe. It's easy money. You'd be perfect for it.

Phoebe:Ursula, no. That is so wrong.

Ursula:Why? Lots of people do it.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, lots of people do lots of things. That doesn't make it right. It's degrading and it's exploitative and it's... it's disgusting.

Phoebe:And another thing - you'd probably steal my identity and do it yourself!

Ross:Rachel thinks you're using me.

Jill:I am using you. Your shower has better water pressure.

Stranger:Oh my God, Phoebe Buffay! I haven't seen you since high school!

Phoebe:Oh hey! Yeah, it's been a while.

Stranger:This is my boyfriend, Derek. I was just telling him about when we used to hang out.

Phoebe:Yeah, we didn't really 'hang out.' You made fun of me constantly and once you told everyone I was a lesbian.

Boyfriend:Oh, I didn't know that...

Phoebe:Yeah, and I AM a lesbian, so you were right, but that's not the point!

Rachel:Oh my God! You stopped kissing Jill? Oh, I'm sorry, did that hurt your lips? Did it bruise your precious little lips?

Monica:Chandler? Are you okay? What's wrong?

Chandler:I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Ross and Rachel.

Monica:What? That's what you're crying about?

Chandler:They're never going to get back together, Mon. Never.

Jill:So you're rejecting me because I'm not pretty enough?

Ross:No, that's not it at all.

Jill:Is it because I'm not smart enough?

Ross:No, Jill—

Jill:Oh my God. You're gay, aren't you?

Chandler:I can't stop! It just keeps coming out!

Monica:Chandler, what's wrong?

Chandler:I don't know! Once I started, I couldn't turn it off. It's like my tear ducts have a mind of their own.