The One Where Chandler Can't Cry

Oh, wait, I don't have to lie to you, you don't live here anymore. I'm eating their food.

Whoa, I didn't know we could date your sister.

Joey, we know you steal our food. I'm good.

Yeah. Who should've shut their drapes is that perverted couple two doors over.

Is that a swing? Oh, don't even ask. Yuck.

When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for 10 years. That was like five years ago. Yeah, you got five years left.

No, no, nothing happened. I shut the drapes to show her slides of my favorite fossils.

Something could've happened, all right? She really dug my slides.

Was it the 'Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite' vibe?

I cried for three days with that movie. No, wait, two. Because on the third day, my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.

Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

What if the puppy said, 'Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me.'

Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich.

That's me with the janitor, Martin. Oh, they didn't wanna come.

You're dead inside.

You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan.

That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star. She was in Sex Toy Story 2... Lawrence of a Labia.

Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out Inspect Her Gadget.

He's a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.

Not random. Bob.

I'm so stupid. I'm just this, like, incredibly pretty, stupid girl.

You had me doubting my fashion sense.

Excuse me, the only thing I can't have is dairy.

All right, all right. You just blew your chances at dating Bob. Who? In Human Resources!

I mean, who does she think she is, Princess Caroline? You're jealous of Princess Caroline? Do I have my own castle?

Phoebe Buffay in Buffay the Vampire Layer.

And I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him... to surprise him. And then... Then I pretended that I didn't know he was in there.

Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.

Yes, but you're dead inside.

Ah. I thought I'd find you here, Nosferatool.

Her ankle is what you're watching? Well, it's hard to tell.

She's just doing her job. You sick bastards.

Wait, that's Ursula. That's not Phoebe. That is Ursula. Wait, wait. I can watch that. Rewind it. Rewind it.

What's up? Oh, my God. What am I doing?!

There's no back to this couch.

Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.

What is wrong with you? What? You can't shed a tear for your dead wife? I mean, I left you a note from the beyond. So you didn't mean any of that? No, you robot!

You damn kids. You ring my bell one more time, I swear to... Oh, uh, Jill. Um... That's just a little game I play with the kids down the hall.

Seeing some more of your super-cool slides. Wow, really? Totally. I loved them. And maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.

Yeah. I could talk them into giving you like $30. No. No way. No. And stop using my name. And shame on you. And shame on all of you. You're disgusting. Especially you, with that.

So?

You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn. Okay? Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!

Oh, well, thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister's mouth to tell me that.

Oh, my God, are you crying? I just don't see why those two can't work things out.

How gay are you?

I can't believe Jill's gone. I can't help it. I opened a gate.