The One With Rachels Sister (1)

Joey:Okay, so that's a venti caramel macchiato, two grande lattes, one short americano, and a tall cappuccino with an extra shot. That'll be $12.75.

Rachel:Joey, wait. If someone gives you $80 for something that costs $40, how much change do you give back?

Joey:Um... $40?

Rachel:Right. So how did you just add up a coffee order?

Woman:So, do you want to go out on a date with me?

Joey:Hold on, let me check with myself.

Joey:Yeah, he says yes.

Joey:Hey, if you guys wanna come to Central Perk and get free coffee, you just gotta be really, really good looking.

Joey:That's it. That's the only qualification.

Monica:Oh, well, thank you.

Phoebe:Oh! Um, let me check. I have gum somewhere in here.

Phoebe:Okay, just... just give me a second. It's in here somewhere.

Phoebe:No, no, wait. I know I have it. Hold on.

Phoebe:It's gotta be... it's in one of these pockets...

Phoebe:Okay, this is taking longer than I thought. Just... bear with me.

Phoebe:I swear I have gum. I definitely have gum.

Other Character:You know what, it's okay. Never mind.

Phoebe:No! I got it! I— oh. Okay.

Monica:I'm not sick! I'm fine! I feel great!

Monica:See? I can do a pushup. I can do... okay, maybe just a half pushup.

Monica:I'm a warrior! A strong, powerful warrior who definitely doesn't have a fever and isn't sweating through my clothes right now.

Monica:I'm fine!

Chandler:You're not fine, you're 'fide'. You've said everything twice now - you've said 'I'b fine' and 'I'b great'. You sound like you're trying to speak in code.

Monica:Fine.

Monica:See? Fine. I said it perfectly clearly.

Monica:What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

Monica:Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking - but I CAN say 'fine' without it sounding like 'foin.'

Monica:Fine. Fine fine fine fine fine.

Monica:You know what? Forget it. This is impossible.

Chandler:So you're Rachel's sister. Welcome to the group.

Chandler:You know, I've met both your sisters now. One's a spoiled brat, and the other one's a lunatic.

Chandler:I'm not saying which is which.

Chandler:Which sister is this?

Jill:I've been cut off. My father won't give me any more money.

Monica:Wait, you bought someone a boat? Who buys someone a boat?

Jill:Well, I thought it would be a nice gesture.

Monica:A nice gesture? Jill, that's not a gesture, that's a down payment on a friendship! I've been buying people coffee for years. COFFEE! And here you are with a boat!

Phoebe:Oh! I just realized I have gum in my hair.

Manager:We only give free food on birthdays.

Joey:What if it's your birthday, but you're in a coma? Do you still get the free food?

Ross:Using Dad's credit card isn't exactly being independent.

Jill:That's just being overly technical.

Monica:Well, I did! And let me tell you, she's doing an amazing job. The healthcare system alone—

Rachel:Have you heard of apartment pants?

Ross:No.

Rachel:Oh, they're huge right now. Everyone's wearing them. I read about it in a magazine.

Rachel:What is a pashmina?

Ross:It's a type of wool. From the Himalayan mountain goat. Very soft, very expensive.

Rachel:Oh please, Jill. I invented the puppy dog eyes. I perfected them. I am the master of the puppy dog eyes.

Jill:Rachel took all my stuff!

Ross:Well, she did leave you the lamp.

Jill:A rug? Ross, a pashmina is a shawl!

Ross:So, uh, Jill, I have to say, it's really nice to meet someone who understands the pain of public shopping humiliation.

Jill:I know, right? It's like, everyone's judging you.

Ross:Exactly! And, well, I was thinking maybe we could, you know, get some coffee sometime? Without the embarrassment?

Jill:Sure, that sounds nice.

Ross:Great! Because I find you very... very... produceable. I mean— available. I meant available.

Monica:I should do something crazy!

Chandler:Okay, but maybe start with something like... see a doctor?

Monica:Come to bed.

Chandler:Okay, but you sound like Darth Vader.

Monica:Do you want to get with this?

Chandler:I'm sorry, could you be any less sexy?

Monica:Rachel, I need to tell you something important.

Rachel:What? What is it?

Monica:Well, you know that thing we were just joking about?

Rachel:Yeah?

Rachel:I already pitched it to three investors and they loved it.

Rachel:He's going to marry her. I know it. He's going to marry Monica.

Rachel:They're going to get married and have kids and buy a house in Connecticut.

Rachel:And I'm going to be alone. Forever. With my cats.

Rachel:Actually, I don't even like cats.

Monica:So anyway, I got that promotion at work!

Joey:Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear... uh...

Customer:It's Sarah.

Joey:Happy birthday, dear Sarah!

Gunther:It is not your birthday.

Rachel:Bookish? Ross is not bookish!

Jill:He has like seven books on his nightstand.

Rachel:Well, yeah, but that doesn't make him bookish!

Rachel:She tried to do too much too fast, you know? One day she's learning to ride a bike, the next day she's asking for a credit card.

Monica:That's actually pretty normal for kids these days.

Rachel:No, I mean she literally died.

Monica:Hey Chandler, I'm a nurse and you're my patient.

Chandler:Monica, you're burning up. You have a 103-degree fever.

Monica:That's right. Now take your medicine.

Chandler:The medicine is a suppository.

Monica:Even better.

Chandler:Monica, you just threw up on my shoes.

Monica:That's... part of the fantasy.

Monica:I'm not sick.

Chandler:Monica, you sound like a dying moose.

Monica:I said I'm not sick!

Chandler:Okay, okay.

Monica:But you're going to be.

Joey:Why should I pay for her muffin? She comes in here all the time!

Gunther:Because that's how a business works, Joey. And by the way, this is the 47th time you've tried this.

Rachel:So are you gonna ask Jill out?

Ross:Never!

Ross:I wish I had a brother to offer you, Rachel.

Monica:What about me? I'm available!

Monica:Can you rub this medicine on my chest?

Chandler:I know what you're doing.

Monica:What? I just need help reaching.

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm not falling for it. I know this is a seduction attempt.

Monica:Chandler, it's medicine!

Chandler:Could I BE any more aware of what's happening here?

Monica:What? It's just VapoRub!

Chandler:I know, but... you're doing it wrong.

Monica:There's a wrong way to use VapoRub?

Chandler:Not for medical purposes, no.

Monica:Oh my God!

Monica:Could I BE any more in the mood?

Chandler:Yes, actually. Could you BE any more in the mood?

Monica:Oh, so now you want to?

Chandler:Well, yeah!

Monica:I thought you had a headache.

Monica:You know what? You're right. I do care about you. Maybe we should just... see what happens.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:No! I was just seeing how long it would take before you completely fell apart. About three seconds. New personal record.

Rachel:That dress is so slutty.

Jill:It's yours.

Jill:So you're a slut.

Rachel:Yeah, I guess I am.

Jill:Well, so am I.

Monica:Rachel, what are you doing in my apartment?

Rachel:Oh, hi! I was just... looking for my earring. I think I left it here.

Monica:Your earring? Rachel, you're standing in front of my bedroom window with binoculars.

Rachel:Right, yes. Well, the earring is very small, and I have poor vision.

Rachel:Oh my God, Melissa, what are you doing? You can't just sleep with every guy you meet!

Melissa:Says the girl who told me she's slept with like half of Manhattan.

Rachel:That's different! I'm a slut by choice, not by... by accident!

Monica:Oh my God, she's going back to his apartment!

Monica:She's going back to his apartment!

Chandler:Could I BE any more of a visual aid for the concept of privacy? I'm closing these curtains not because I'm shy, but because I respect the sanctity of human connection and the mutual agreement between two consenting adults that certain moments deserve a little... atmospheric enhancement. In other words, I'm helping Ross create an environment conducive to romance, which involves blocking out the harsh realities of the outside world, namely the pizza guy who always shows up at exactly the wrong time.