The One With Rosss Denial

Chandler:Joey, how long can you hold your breath?

Joey:I don't know, like a minute?

Monica:Come on, Joey, try. We'll time you.

Joey:Okay, okay, here I go...

Rachel:That's... that's actually unbelievable.

Phoebe:Yeah, I can't believe you only made it fifteen seconds.

Joey:I can't believe I've been holding my breath for four minutes!

Chandler:That's impressive, Joe.

Joey:*gasps dramatically* Forget it! I'm done!

Joey:So I've been thinking about us, you know? About our future together.

Phoebe:Joey...

Joey:And I really think it's time we took the next step. Moved in together.

Phoebe:Oh my God!

Joey:Yeah, my apartment's getting too expensive. Can I crash at your place?

Phoebe:I have a roommate named Denise.

Joey:Denise? We've never heard of her.

Phoebe:Yes, you have! I've told you about Denise a million times!

Joey:No, you haven't.

Phoebe:She lives with me! She's always there! How do you not know Denise?!

Joey:Maybe because she doesn't exist?

Phoebe:She DOES exist! Why does nobody ever believe me about Denise?!

Phoebe:What do you mean you've never heard of Denise? I talk about her all the time!

Phoebe:I'm constantly telling you guys about Denise. How do you not know who she is?

Joey:Come on, Phoebe, it'll be great! We can share a bathroom, share the kitchen, share the rent...

Phoebe:Share what else, Joey?

Joey:Well, you know, we could share a bed to save on heating costs.

Phoebe:Joey!

Joey:What? It's very practical!

Joey:Hey Phoebe, you know what we should do? We should have naked Thursdays.

Phoebe:Oh, that sounds fun!

Chandler:Yeah, we already do that.

Joey:What?

Chandler:Me and you. Every Thursday. You didn't know that?

Ross:Rachel took it really well.

Joey:You told her?

Ross:Well, no. Not yet.

Ross:Hugs can just be friendly.

Joey:Yeah, sure they can, Huggy McHugerson.

Ross:She's just a friend. A very good friend. My best friend, really. I mean, we're friends in the truest sense of the word. Best friends. Just friends being friendly with each other. As friends do.

Joey:Could you use the word 'friend' any more times in one sentence?

Joey:Hey, that's not weird. I do it all the time. It's actually good for you. Scientists proved that the human nose was designed to smell hair. It's like... it's like a vitamin for your brain.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! You're a paleontologist, right? You know about science stuff.

Ross:Yes, Joey, I do.

Joey:So if I said that the human body is 80% water, and water is wet, doesn't that make us wet?

Ross:No, that's not how—

Joey:Just agree with me in front of the girls!

Ross:It's like... a combination of coconut and... vanilla and... *trails off* ...strawberries in the summer sun, and... and that feeling when you first wake up and everything is perfect and possible, and...

Ross:It's not the coconut scent! It's... it's the way the light hits your hair. Very scientific. It's a refraction thing.

Rachel:Ross...

Ross:No, no, I'm serious. It's physics. Completely clinical observation. I could write a paper.

Ross:I'm not trying to go out with Rachel! I mean, sure, she's beautiful and funny and smart and talented, but that doesn't mean I want to go out with her. I just... I enjoy spending time with her. And looking at her. But not in a romantic way. I just think she's... it's just that whenever I see her, my heart races and I can't think straight, but that could happen with anyone! Like, uh, like Monica. Or Phoebe. Or literally any woman who walks into a room and I immediately forget how to form sentences. But that's not about Rachel specifically.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait. Are you in love with Rachel?

Monica:Who called?

Chandler:Oh, well, thank you for asking how I am. I'm doing great, thanks for noticing. Oh, and by the way, your mother called.

Monica:I've set up the guest room like a five-star hotel. Fresh Egyptian cotton sheets, premium toiletries, a mint on the pillow...

Monica:And I've placed feedback cards on the nightstand so guests can rate their stay. I'm thinking of implementing a loyalty program too.

Chandler:We could buy arcade games! Like Pac-Man, Space Invaders...

Chandler:They're huge! They're like, this big!

Chandler:No wait, even bigger! They're REALLY big!

Chandler:I mean, they take up like an entire corner of a room!

Chandler:Monica, Monica, Monica. Picture this: an arcade game where you play as a sentient pizza slice fighting mutant vegetables in a post-apocalyptic kitchen. It's got eight-bit graphics, synthesizer music, and a two-player mode where—

Monica:No.

Chandler:So you want to discuss it first before you reject me?

Monica:Yes.

Monica:No.

Monica:We need to get some antiques for the guest room.

Chandler:What about my Atari 2600? That's from 1980.

Monica:Chandler, that's not an antique, that's just old.

Chandler:Well, it's older than you!

Monica:We should have a guest room for when people visit.

Chandler:A guest room? Monica, our friends live across the hall and downstairs. I think we're okay.

Joey:Okay, I wrote a roommate ad. Listen to this: 'Apartment available. Must be quiet, clean, and nonugly.'

Joey:I want to learn from someone different than me.

Joey:You know, someone who challenges me, opens my eyes to new perspectives.

Joey:Like a girl who's... I dunno, 19?

Joey:Oh, I have depth. I'm like an ocean.

Chandler:Yeah, an ocean in New Jersey.

Joey:What's wrong with that?

Chandler:It's toxic and no one wants to go in it.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, I'm trying to move this pencil with my mind.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's not how that works.

Phoebe:Shh! You're breaking my concentration.

Rachel:Fine.

Phoebe:Did you see that? Did you see it move?

Rachel:No.

Phoebe:It's because you don't believe in me! Your negative energy is blocking my powers.

Monica:What are you guys doing?

Phoebe:I'm moving a pencil with my psychic powers.

Monica:Uh-huh.

Phoebe:Go ahead, touch it! Test me!

Monica:Okay.

Phoebe:See?! See?! You touched it and it moved! My powers are real!

Rachel:As long as they're not on a higher floor.

Rachel:Thank you so much for finding me this apartment, Ross.

Ross:Well, you can thank the Ice Age for that. If it weren't for the massive glacial melting and the subsequent flooding that destroyed the original building on this lot in 1987, this prime real estate would never have been available.

Joey:Hey Ross, I got it! You don't love Rachel anymore... you're experiencing 're-love'!

Ross:That's not a word, Joey.

Joey:It is now! It's like love, but you already loved her before, so it's a re-love situation.

Joey:You're re-loving Rachel!

Ross:I am not re-loving Rachel!

Ross:And stop making up words!

Joey:Oh wow, living together? That's great! What could possibly go wrong? I mean, it's not like you two have any history of drama or anything. You're gonna be so happy together... until you're not. Which, let's be honest, is gonna be like three weeks from now.

Ross:I'm not a hero. I'm just doing what any friend would do.

Rachel:No, you really are a hero, Ross.

Ross:Well, I mean, when you put it that way... I kind of am a hero, aren't I?

Phoebe:So my roommate Denise, right? She's always doing these crazy things. One time she told me she couldn't pay rent because she spent all her money on a time machine. And I was like, 'Denise, time machines aren't real.' And she goes, 'That's what you think. I went to the future and back.' So I said, 'Well, if you went to the future, didn't you see whether you'd pay rent?' And she said, 'Yeah, I did pay it.' So I said, 'Great! So you know you're gonna have the money?' And she said, 'No, because in the future I bought another time machine to go back and tell my past self not to worry about it.'

Phoebe:Okay, I made that up.

Joey:What?!

Phoebe:Yeah, there is no Denise.

Joey:But you were so specific!

Phoebe:No, no, Denise is real. I just made up that story. But Denise, she's real.

Phoebe:OK fine, I made her up! But you guys are so mean to your girlfriends, I wanted to show you what a real woman looks like!

Chandler:I don't need games anymore. I have a real relationship now.

Chandler:Wait, that sounded like I own Monica.

Chandler:I don't own Monica!

Monica:Shut up.

Chandler:I'm just going to take both chairs.

Monica:You can't separate them! They're a matching set. Look at them—they've been together for years. You're going to break up a relationship?

Chandler:They're chairs, Monica.

Monica:They're chairs in love, Chandler. In love!

Monica:Chandler, you can't just leave your stuff all over the apartment.

Chandler:Okay, okay. What if I just organize everything according to your system?

Monica:That's a start.

Chandler:And what if I also wear your clothes so I'm dressed according to your standards?

Monica:What? No!

Chandler:Too late. I'm already in your blouse.

Monica:Where would you put them?

Chandler:Well, I was thinking about turning the room downstairs into a game room.

Monica:A game room?

Chandler:Yeah, you know, with a pool table, maybe a pinball machine...

Chandler:Oh, I see you've gone with the 'old-fashioned' look. Very... period. Is that a doily? Did you steal this from my grandmother's house?

Joey:I had to remove the shower curtain. Safety hazard.

Landlord/Potential Tenant:Safety hazard? It's a shower curtain.

Joey:Exactly. You could get tangled in it, slip, fall, crack your head open. I'm just thinking about your safety here.

Ross:Come on, you guys. This is silly. You're fighting over nothing.

Monica:Oh, so you think I'm being silly? You always take her side!

Monica:You know, love is about finding someone who accepts both the serious side and the silly side of you.

Chandler:Yeah, like that famous quote: 'All you need is love... and maybe some really good humor.'

Monica:That's not how it goes.

Chandler:What?

Monica:The Beatles said 'All you need is love.' That's it. Just love.

Chandler:Well they also had Paul McCartney, so clearly they were doing something right.

Monica:So we're going to live together?

Chandler:Yeah, I think we should.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you're saying you're moving in together? Because if you're moving in together, that's like... that's huge. That's like saying you're getting married. I mean, not exactly, but it's in that area. You can't just casually decide to live together. That's a life decision. That's a commitment.

Monica:Ross, we know.

Ross:Do you? Do you really? Because once you say it out loud, it's real. It's like a verbal contract.

Rachel:We should work out a system for dating other people.

Rachel:Like, you know, a sex sign on the door or something. Like college roommates do.

Ross:Wait, what? You're dating other people?

Rachel:Well, yeah. We're not together.

Ross:Right. Right, of course. I just... I thought we were... I mean, I wasn't planning on...

Ross:A spare room could end their relationship.

Monica:What did you do to my apartment?!

Chandler:I just moved my chair a little bit.

Monica:A little bit?! You've completely rearranged everything! This is my living room, not a furniture showroom for your chair!

Monica:We should hang a merge road sign over our bed.

Chandler:Why would we do that?

Monica:Because we're merging our lives together! When you see a merge sign, two separate roads become one. That's us. Two separate people, becoming one couple. It's the perfect symbol of our marriage.

Chandler:Or it could just mean traffic is about to get worse.

Chandler:Oh, that's a great idea! A merge sign! Why didn't anyone think of that before?

Monica:Really? You think so?

Chandler:No, not at all. I was being sarcastic.

Joey:Do you want Rachel to fall in love with you again?

Ross:I... yes. Okay? Yes! I want her to fall in love with me again. I never stopped wanting that. I never stopped... I never stopped loving her.

Joey:But when would we do it? Thursday's my busy night.

Joey:Doggy.

Potential roommate:Kitten.

Joey:No, that's not it. I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out.