The One Where Pauls The Man

Chandler:According to my horoscope, someone special is going to give me a gift.

Chandler:Thank you, horoscope. You're very generous.

Chandler:Oh, great. According to this, on the 12th there's going to be a lover's spat.

Monica:A lover's spat? About what?

Chandler:I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. Monica, we need to talk about how I make too many jokes and it's annoying.

Monica:What? I like your jokes.

Chandler:Well, you're wrong! And another thing—

Joey:Hey Monica, check it out! I got the part!

Monica:Oh my God, Joey! That's amazing! You're a star!

Joey:I'm playing Detective Robo-Cop on 'Cyber Justice.' It's this really serious, gritty drama.

Monica:Detective Robo-Cop? That sounds incredible! Can I get your autograph? Oh! Can you sign a headshot for me?

Joey:Monica, it's just a TV show.

Monica:Just a TV show?! You're going to be huge! I'm telling everyone at work. My roommate is on Cyber Justice!

Joey:I don't know anything about computers! How am I supposed to play a robot cop?

Chandler:Come on, Joey, you must know something about computers.

Joey:Well, I can find porn on them.

Joey:I can only find porn on the computer.

Joey:It's not even a skill - it's the homepage.

Chandler:Well, the horoscope did say I'd be coming into some money today.

Monica:I'm writing another book.

Chandler:Another one? What happened to the first one?

Monica:They were well-received! I got great feedback.

Chandler:From who?

Monica:Me. I'm very supportive.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Her father wants to meet you? Oh my God, that's huge! That means he thinks you might be the father!

Ross:What?!

Chandler:Well, why else would he need to meet you? I mean, obviously he's concerned that you might be the guy who got her pregnant!

Monica:Wait, you're nervous about meeting Elizabeth's father? That's so sweet. Here's what you do - frame it like a parent-teacher conference.

Ross:What? Monica, that doesn't make any sense.

Monica:No, no, no - you sit down, you tell him you're concerned about Elizabeth's performance, ask about her home life, her family dynamic. He'll think you're very responsible and caring.

Ross:Monica, she's not in school anymore.

Monica:Even better! He'll be confused, which means he won't notice the 15-year age difference!

Joey:Wait, so you're telling me this thing is a robot?

Robot Operator:Yes, I'm controlling it remotely.

Joey:Oh man, that's so cool! Hey robot, do you wanna grab a beer?

Robot Operator:I'm actually just operating it from this control panel.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I know. So what do you say, tin man?

Joey:Wow, this is... nice. But when does the real C.H.E.E.S.E. show up?

Joey:At least the Terminator had a goal. Wayne just wandered around like he didn't know what he was doing.

Wayne:I'm standing right here.

Joey:Yeah, see? That's exactly what I mean.

Ross:Paul Stevens?

Paul Stevens:That's right.

Paul Stevens:What's your problem?

Ross Geller:My problem? She's nineteen!

Paul Stevens:It's funny... It's not funny.

Paul Stevens:You have one minute to change your mind.

Elizabeth:Dad, I really think you should reconsider.

Paul Stevens:That's a good point. You've got two minutes.

Ross:Mr. Burke, I just want you to know that your daughter means everything to me. We have a very special relationship.

Mr. Burke:That's good to hear, Ross.

Ross:Yes, and last night we were... I mean, the things we do in bed are just incredible. She's so flexible and adventurous, and we tried this position where—

Mr. Burke:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ross:Okay, okay, I got a good one. So this guy walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, 'Why the long face?' And the guy says...

Paul Stevens:I'm Irish.

Ross:Oh! Oh, I... uh... well, forget the joke then.

Phoebe:I can see where Elizabeth gets her looks. I mean, her father is ruggedly handsome instead of beautiful.

Phoebe:So Paul, are you married?

Chandler:I'm right here.

Phoebe:Oh, and he works at the children's hospital!

Other Character:That's great!

Phoebe:Yeah, he's there like, all the time. Just... hanging around.

Chandler:I was Ross's college roommate.

Paul Stevens:Yeah? Well, he probably killed his roommate.

Paul:Did you kill your roommate?

Chandler:Only the part of him that was alive.

Monica:We agreed to get a what?

Chandler:A baby! We agreed to get a baby!

Monica:Oh right, a baby. But Chandler, we don't even like children.

Chandler:I know! They're so weird and sticky and loud.

Monica:So which child are we getting again?

Chandler:I have no idea. Wasn't it Ben?

Monica:That's Ross's son.

Chandler:See? This is why we can't have children. We can't even remember which ones exist.

Monica:So in my book, I talk about how important it is to be honest and authentic in relationships.

Monica:You have to communicate openly, never manipulate your partner, and always be true to yourself.

Monica:Of course, I also have this system where I reorganize Chandler's closet when he upsets me, and I pretend I didn't so he thinks he's going crazy.

Paul Stevens:You know what? Why don't you just date him so I don't have to kill him.

Rachel:You know, Paul, it's so great how involved you are with Elizabeth. You're such a young father.

Paul:Well, thank you, Rachel. I try my best.

Rachel:I mean, you must have been, what, like fifteen when she was born?

Rachel:Wait, how old were you when you had her?

Paul:We were very young when we had her.

Rachel:Oh my God, so you were like... together?

Joey:I can't believe I'm getting attitude from a robot.

Chandler:Oh, come on Joey. Robots are people too. They work hard, they don't complain... well, except for the occasional mechanical squeak. They deserve respect and dignity, just like anyone else.

Joey:I've been eating floor sandwiches for three weeks, but I draw the line at this!

Paul Stevens:You know, I couldn't help but notice when I was kissing Rachel, you were standing right there, and your eye was twitching. Your left eye. It twitched about... forty-seven times.

Ross:I... I wasn't...

Paul Stevens:And your jaw clenched. Very rhythmically. And you kept making this sound - kind of a 'hehehehe' noise, but angrier.

Ross:He's my... my paleontologist friend.

Paul Stevens:I'm a urologist.

Rachel:Why is it weird that I kissed Paul?

Ross:Because it's different when I date Monica.

Rachel:How is that different?

Ross:Because... she's my sister!

Phoebe:If you want to win over the robot operator, you're gonna have to do some serious ass-kissing.

Joey:Pheebs, he's a robot. He doesn't have an ass.

Phoebe:Then kiss his butt panel!

Chandler:Am I less charming than Joey?

Monica:I'm having an affair with Joey.

Chandler:Monica, you're writing about us? That's a violation of privacy!

Monica:No, I'm not! I'm writing fiction. These are completely different characters with completely different names.

Chandler:Oh yeah? What are their names?

Monica:Well, there's Monaka, and Chandler... I mean, Chandrick.

Chandler:Oh, so Monica gets to use fake names for us in her book? Fine. Phoebe, from now on, your name is... Ursula.

Phoebe:Wait, that's my twin sister's name!

Chandler:Exactly.

Chandler:And here we see Monica in her natural habitat, the kitchen...

Monica:Oh, alright, I give up! I am defeated! My dreams are shattered like a delicate vase!

Chandler:A vase she will now reorganize.

Joey:Hey, you're a cute little guy, aren't you?

Joey:Ow! What the—

Monica:Oh, that's the one you're going with? That's your move?

Paul Stevens:Look, I know I keep making jabs at Ross, but come on - the jokes are just too easy to resist.

Paul:That's... good.

Ross:That's... good? That's the faintest praise I've ever heard in my life.

Paul:I still see Elizabeth as a 12-year-old.

Ross:Yeah, I know what you mean.

Ross:Look, my marriage to Carol was a drunken mistake, okay? And Ben... Ben was just a drunken mistake too.

Monica:I said 6:00!

Chandler:No, you said 6:30.

Monica:I could not have said 6:30. The only way I could have said 6:30 is if I was having a stroke.

Monica:And another thing! If you were a food, you'd be toast because you're always burnt out and nobody wants you!

Chandler:Wow, okay. That's... that's really specific.

Monica:Oh, you want more? If you were a hobby, you'd be tax preparation because you're boring, confusing, and everyone avoids you!

Chandler:I'm starting to regret asking what time you wanted dinner.

Phoebe:You have to thank me before I tell you.

Monica:Thank you, Phoebe.

Phoebe:No, like you mean it.

Monica:Thank you so much, Phoebe. Your book is amazing. You're a brilliant writer and a beautiful soul.

Phoebe:More.

Monica:Phoebe, you are the most talented, the most intelligent, the most gorgeous woman I have ever met. You should be on the cover of every magazine. People should write books about you!

Monica:Phoebe, we can't believe you made us miss that movie!

Chandler:Yeah, everyone's been talking about it!

Phoebe:Oh, I know, I'm so sorry. But you know what? This is actually perfect timing because I'm writing a book about people's anger, and you two are being SUCH great examples right now.

Phoebe:Monica, your face is all red and blotchy - that's chapter three. Chandler, that vein in your forehead - that's the cover.

Wayne:Can you teach me how to talk to women?

Joey:Sure, buddy. What's the problem?

Wayne:Well, I'm desperately attracted to literally every woman.

Joey:Every woman?

Wayne:Every single one. The tall ones, the short ones, the ones with red hair, the ones with no hair...

Phoebe:Maybe he learned something from each marriage.

Monica:Yeah, he learned to make them shorter.

Paul Stevens:So... did you murder your ex-wives?

Ross Geller:What? No! I've only been married twice!

Paul Stevens:Right, right. Just checking.

Ross:Yeah, well, I don't like myself either.

Paul Stevens:Okay, okay, you two need to stop this fighting right now.

Paul Stevens:Ross, you're being ridiculous. And you're being defensive.

Paul Stevens:Now, I want you both to take a deep breath and think about how you're making each other feel.

Joey:Okay, we're rolling... C.H.E.E.S.E., where's your line?

Joey:Hello? Operator? Can we get someone on set please?