The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

Monica:You know, Chandler, you should take some things from the apartment. We've shared so many memories here.

Chandler:Really? You think so?

Monica:Of course. Pick whatever you want.

Chandler:Well, I guess I'll take this bottle opener that's also a magnet.

Monica:That's it? That's the only thing you're taking?

Chandler:Yep. That's literally the only thing I own from our shared life together.

Monica:You know what I love about us? We complete each other.

Chandler:Aw, that's sweet.

Monica:Yeah, you're the bottle opener and I'm the magnet.

Chandler:I'm sorry, what?

Monica:We belong together. You're useless without me, and I'm useless without you.

Monica:You complete me.

Chandler:Aye aye, that's the way to my galley... I mean, kitchen.

Phoebe:Oh, I know what your fantasy is. You're married to Rachel, but she doesn't know it yet.

Ross:What? That's not a fantasy, that's just insane.

Phoebe:No, hear me out. One day you tell her you're married, and she's SO happy because it means you loved her all along.

Ross:Phoebe, that's not how that works.

Phoebe:Yeah, you're gonna die alone.

Phoebe:Okay, so you're telling me you don't have feelings for Rachel?

Ross:I don't know what you're talking about.

Phoebe:Really? Because you stare at her constantly. You rearrange your schedule to be near her. And last week, you bought her favorite coffee before she even asked.

Ross:That doesn't mean anything.

Phoebe:Oh, and you keep a photo of her in your wallet. Next to your library card. You don't even go to the library!

Ross:Okay, fine, maybe I like her a little.

Phoebe:A little? You named your cat after her middle name!

Ross:How did you—

Phoebe:And we all know about Vegas.

Ross:We don't talk about Vegas.

Phoebe:So Ross, how many women have you slept with?

Ross:I... uh... well, that's a very personal question.

Phoebe:Just answer it!

Ross:I don't think that's really—

Phoebe:Was it over a hundred?

Ross:No! God, no.

Phoebe:Over fifty?

Ross:Phoebe, I really don't—

Phoebe:Oh my God, you won't even say! It's over fifty!

Ross:*phone rings* Oh thank God.

Chandler:You're right, it's your apartment.

Monica:Thank you.

Chandler:I just live in a apartment that happens to be yours.

Ross:I went to NYU.

Other Character:NYU? That's impressive!

Ross:Well, it's N-Y-U.

Ross:My paper on sediment flow in paleolithic river systems was just accepted by the Journal of Geological Research!

Monica:Wow, Ross, that's... great. I'm sure everyone at the coffee shop will be really interested in hearing about sediment flow.

Ross:Well, it's a peer-reviewed journal, Monica, not the coffee shop.

Monica:Right, because that's the only place people would find it boring.

Ross:I can see it now... Dr. Ross Geller, tenured professor at a prestigious university, published author, respected in my field...

Rachel:That's nice, honey.

Ross:Yeah, and you'll be there at all my lectures, supporting me, wearing that blue dress you know I love—

Rachel:Of course I will.

Ross:See, even in my fantasy where I'm wildly successful and important, I'm still married to you. That's how much I love you.

Rachel:Aww!

Monica:Yeah, and Mrs. Bing, she's great.

Rachel:Wait, what?

Monica:I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

Monica:You're welcome.

Phoebe:So I'm bummed about dying.

Monica:Wait, so you're saying the psychic predicted you'd have triplets and that actually happened?

Phoebe:Yes! Three beautiful babies, just like she said.

Monica:Okay, so she got that right. What else did she predict?

Phoebe:She said I'd have a son with a dark complexion... and clearly that didn't happen.

Monica:Phoebe, you can't just not plan for these things. What if something happens to you?

Phoebe:Monica, I'm not gonna be around to care. I'll be dead. Why would I waste money on something I won't even see?

Ross:So if we look at the phylogenetic relationships between these species...

Phoebe:Oh my God. This is it. This is how I die.

Joey:Whoa, what are you looking at so intensely? Did someone send you naked pictures?

Ross:What? No! I'm studying my notes for my paleontology lecture.

Joey:Right, right. So... no naked pictures then.

Joey:Hey, it's not about sex. Well, okay, it's a little about sex. Alright, it's a lot about sex. But it's also about respect!

Ross:You can't just make up a university name.

Chandler:Why not? I went to Chuckles University.

Ross:That's not a real university.

Chandler:Neither is your sense of humor, but we don't talk about it.

Joey:You know what would really help explain that? A video.

Monica:No.

Joey:You didn't even let me finish!

Monica:You were gonna say 'of you naked,' weren't you?

Joey:...Yeah.

Joey:Hey, I'm listening! I'm listening!

Joey:Okay, okay, I stopped doing that... in high school.

Joey:All right, all right, college.

Joey:Okay! Last week!

Joey:Hey, I got a letter from the Screen Actors Guild!

Chandler:What's it say?

Joey:"S.A.G." Oh man, that's gonna be a great movie!

Joey:I had health insurance! That means I could do anything I wanted. I could bungee jump, I could go skydiving, I could fight a bear!

Joey:But now I don't have health insurance, so I can't do any of those things.

Joey:I'm telling you, I have to be more careful.

Monica:You know what? That's great. I'm glad you're finally making some lifestyle adjustments.

Joey:What lifestyle adjustments? I just said I have to be more careful!

Monica:Exactly. Stopping catching on fire is a lifestyle adjustment.

Monica:Phoebe, weren't you supposed to die this week?

Phoebe:Oh, I got better.

Monica:So, how are you feeling? Any health concerns?

Phoebe:Oh, I'm fine. I mean, I'll probably die soon, but whatever.

Monica:What? Phoebe, that's not something to be casual about!

Phoebe:I know, I know. But I've already dealt with it in my past lives, so at this point it's just like... ugh, do I really have to do this again?

Phoebe:Oh no, I'm dead!

Monica:PHOEBE! No! This can't be happening! Not you! Not like this! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Phoebe:I'm okay, I was just playing.

Monica:Well you couldn't have told me that BEFORE I had a complete emotional breakdown?!

Monica:I bought these candlesticks at an antique store. They're identical twins, very rare.

Chandler:Monica, one of them is clearly a different color, and it says 'Made in Taiwan 1987' on the bottom.

Ross:The lecture went great! They loved it.

Joey:That's awesome, man! Did you use any of my suggestions?

Ross:No, of course not.

Joey:Well, they seemed to work anyway.

Monica:You didn't prove you don't need to be funny and sexy. You proved you're NOT funny and sexy.

Ross:Yeah.

Estelle:Joey! Joey, how could you leave me? After all I've done for you!

Joey:Leave you? Estelle, I didn't leave you.

Estelle:Don't lie to me! You abandoned me!

Joey:Estelle, you're my agent. You forgot you were my agent.

Joey:No, no, no. Estelle, that's not what I said at all.

Estelle:Oh, well, same difference.

Estelle:Some woman called and said you were the worst actor she's ever seen. Can you believe that?

Joey:What? Who was it?

Estelle:I don't know, she wouldn't say her name.

Joey:Well, what did she sound like?

Estelle:Like a woman.

Joey:Mom, that could be anybody!

Monica:I can't believe they don't want to hang out with me. We were so close in college!

Rachel:Monica, you were kind of intense. Remember when you made us all do that group activity schedule?

Monica:That was organized! That was helpful!

Rachel:You color-coded our social lives. In a spreadsheet. With conditional formatting.

Monica:...Okay, maybe I was a little much.

Ross:The accent slipping with 'bloody hell'

Monica:Joey, you know you have a hernia, right? You can't just keep pretending it's not there.

Joey:I'm not pretending! I'm fine!

Monica:You're literally holding your side and wincing every time you move.

Joey:I'm telling you, I've got this weird pain in my chest, I can't breathe, and my vision's all blurry.

Joey:But I'm sure it's nothing serious.

Joey:I don't need to see a doctor. I'm fine.

Chandler:Joey, you have a huge hernia.

Joey:It's not a hernia, it's just... a thing.

Chandler:A thing? Joey, there's literally a bulge coming out of your stomach!

Joey:So? Maybe I'm just getting fat.

Joey:I can't believe those 15-pound weights did this to me.

Chandler:Joey, those are like... baby weights.

Joey:Well, maybe I'm a baby!

Ross:The accent just came out under pressure.

Monica:That was the worst British accent I've ever heard in my life.

Ross:I don't have an accent!

Monica:Oh please, 'pivot, pivot, pivot!'

Ross:That's not an accent, that's just how I talk!

Monica:Okay, well listen to this: 'I'm a paleontologist and I say things like dinosaur in the most boring way possible.'

Ross:You're being ridiculous.

Monica:Am I? Or am I being a sophisticated British person who happens to be from New York? 'Pip pip, the rocks are very old.'

Joey:I don't go to the doctor. You know why? Because once you start going, they own you. Next thing you know, you're getting checkups and eating salads.

Joey:Besides, if something's really wrong, I'll know. I mean, look at me. I feel great! Well, except for this thing on my back that won't go away, and my vision's gotten pretty blurry, and sometimes I can't remember what we're talking about.

Joey:But that's good! That means my body's fighting something. The worse I feel, the closer I am to getting better!

Joey:I want to get cosmetic surgery.

Chandler:You have an untreated hernia!

Joey:Yeah, but nobody can see that.

Chandler:He said the doctor told him he had acute angina.

Chandler:So Joey said, 'Well, thanks doc, but I've always thought I had a cute face!'

Phoebe:I'm terrified of dying.

Chandler:Pheebs, come on. You're not going to die.

Phoebe:You don't know that! Any of us could die at any moment.

Chandler:Okay, but statistically—

Phoebe:I know! That's why I want us all to make a pact. If we're going to die, we should die together.

Chandler:Phoebe, no.

Phoebe:Come on! We'll all go at the same time. It'll be fun! Well, not fun, but at least we won't be alone.

Chandler:I'm going to live a very long time just to avoid this conversation.

Phoebe:Fine, fine. How about this—we all die on the same day, but we get to pick the day. Like, fifty years from now?

Phoebe:Well, when you're dead, you can do whatever you want.

Chandler:That's not how it works!

Phoebe:Oh yeah, it is. Dead people don't have to follow the rules.

Monica:These candlesticks are mine! I bought them!

Chandler:Well, they're on my side of the apartment!

Monica:That doesn't matter! They're valuable!

Chandler:Have you ever actually lit them?

Monica:Well... no, but—

Chandler:And I've never even noticed them until right now.

Monica:...So we're fighting over candlesticks we don't use.

Chandler:Apparently.

Monica:Oh, come on Ross, let me hear this accent of yours.

Ross:Fine. 'Hello, I'm terribly posh and British.'

Monica:'Oh yes, quite right, jolly good.' No, no, no Ross, you sound like you have a cold.

Ross:I can't get rid of this accent. It's stuck.

Chandler:Have you tried not talking for a few weeks? That's what my parents did when we moved from Canada.

Ross:See? Nobody listens to me.

Monica:What?

Director:Okay Joey, remember, you're talking to a child about a swing set. Keep it light and fun.

Joey:Hey there, little buddy. You ever been on a swing set? It's the most exhilarating experience of your life. The wind rushing past your face, the G-forces pulling at your body as you reach unprecedented heights. Some say it changes you. Some say you're never the same.

Director:Um... Joey? It's a swing set.

Joey:I know what it is. I'm committed to the role.

Director:Cut! Joey, you're being too intense. Can you dial it back?

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I got it. Less intensity.

Director:Action!

Joey:I love you so much...

Director:Joey, you need to pick up that bag of dog food.

Joey:I can't carry it. It's too heavy.

Director:Well, you have to. It's a commercial for dog food.

Joey:What if we change the slogan to 'Alpo: It's Not That Heavy'?

Monica:Hi, is this Ross Geller? This is Dean Peterson from the Institute for People Who Take Everything Too Literally.

Ross:What? I don't understand...

Monica:Exactly.

Phoebe:I'm not gonna die.

Monica:Why not?

Phoebe:Because a psychic told me I was gonna die, and then the psychic died. So that means the reading was wrong!

Joey:Thanks for your help, man. I really appreciate it.

Chandler:Yeah, well, we're never talking about this again.

Joey:Hey, don't worry. I'm a professional. I know exactly where to put my hands.

Joey:How am I supposed to do this death scene with a hernia?

Director:Just push through it, Joey. You're a professional.

Joey:Yeah, but every time I fall, it kills. What if I just die standing up?

Director:No, no, the script calls for you to collapse.

Joey:Okay, okay... what if I wear a truss under my costume?

Director:A truss? This is Shakespeare, not a medical convention.

Joey:Well, I gotta do something. Can I at least collapse in slow motion?

Director:Cut! Cut! We need the kid to cry. Again from the top!

Director:Come on people, this is take seventeen. Someone make that child cry!

Joey:I got this.

Director:Action!

Director:Cut! Nothing! NOTHING! How is this child not crying?!

Joey:Aw, my hernia...

Child:*cries*

Director:YES! YES! THAT'S IT! Perfect! Beautiful! Keep the hernia! Whatever he's doing, keep it! This is gold!

Lawyer:So if Ross doesn't contest the divorce papers, that means he wants to stay married?

Rachel:No, no, it means he's okay with the divorce.

Lawyer:Well, that's not what 'no contact' means in legal terms.

Ross:So if we look at the Mesozoic era, we can see that... *clears throat* ...yo, the dinosaurs were like, totally extinct, ya know?

Student:Professor Geller, did you just... switch accents?

Ross:What? No. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ross:Okay, okay, fine! You want to know the truth? I wasn't in England. I was in Long Island.

Rachel:Long Island?!

Ross:Yes. I went to visit my cousin. We went mini golfing. There, I said it!

Rachel:You married her? You married her?!

Rachel:While we were still together, Ross? WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER?

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't even look at you right now.

Rachel:You know what? No. No, you don't get to stand there with that stupid face and act like this is some big surprise!

Rachel:Ross, what were you thinking?!

Ross:Hey!

Rachel:What are you doing with a baseball bat and helmet?

Monica:Oh, we're just playing a little baseball in the apartment!

Rachel:In here? That's crazy!

Monica:No, no, it's fine. It's very safe and very healthy. We're getting exercise, fresh air—well, as fresh as it gets in here—and it's a great way to bond as friends.

Joey:Hey, I got insurance! Now I can do anything!

Chandler:That's not how insurance works, Joe.

Joey:No no no, I'm covered! I could jump off the roof right now!

Monica:Joey, no!

Joey:What? I'm insured!