The One With Joeys Porsche

Rachel:Wait, what? You're still married?

Ross:Well, technically yes, but—

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God. So what, we've been dating and you're married?

Ross:It's not like that, I can explain—

Rachel:No, no, I get it. And I'm sure you have secret children too. What are their names? Where do they go to school?

Ross:Rachel, come on—

Rachel:Do they know about me? Have you told them mommy's a homewrecker? Should I start a college fund?

Rachel:Ross, you couldn't face another failed marriage? We weren't even successful the first time!

Ross:Well, if you think about it, it is kind of funny.

Monica:No, it's really not.

Phoebe:A sickness?! Ross, this is a sickness! She knew?! And she didn't tell me?! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! This is betrayal! This is... this is a sickness!

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. If you two are still married, then... oh my God, Ross, who else have you married?

Ross:What? No one!

Monica:Are you sure? Because at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if you married Chandler too.

Joey:These are my keys. I'm buying a Porsche.

Chandler:On what salary?

Joey:Well, I'm gonna save up. I figure if I save $1000 a month, in about... 400 years, I'll have enough for a down payment.

Gunther:Well, I figured if I didn't come back right away, maybe someone would try it on and it would fit perfectly, and they'd think, 'Wow, whoever lost this shoe has impeccable taste.' And then maybe they'd wait around for me to come back, and we'd fall in love.

Phoebe:I need you to take care of these three cute puppies for me.

Monica:Puppies? Phoebe, these are human babies!

Phoebe:I know, I know. But they're easier to say yes to if you think they're puppies.

Chandler:I mean, let's be honest here. I wasn't even interested in the puppies.

Monica:We should practice for when we have babies.

Chandler:When we have babies?

Monica:I mean, if we have babies. If.

Woman:Wow, is this your car?

Joey:No, no, it's not mine.

Woman:It's really nice.

Joey:Yeah, well, it's not really... I mean, it's okay.

Woman:I love it.

Joey:It's mine. I love it too!

Woman:Do you like leather seats?

Joey:Oh yeah, absolutely. Love 'em.

Monica:Wait, so Denise is coming back December 26th? That means Santa Claus is real and he's just really bad at managing his schedule.

Rachel:Oh hi Ross! How are you doing today? I'm so glad to see you. You look absolutely wonderful. I love you so much.

Rachel:You're going to take care of the annulment forms? Oh great, because you have such a good track record with follow-through.

Ross:What do you mean? I always follow through on things.

Rachel:Really? When did you finish that bookshelf you started three months ago?

Rachel:I don't want to hear a peep out of you.

Ross:...

Rachel:What was that?

Rachel:This is the angriest I've ever been!

Rachel:I've never been this angry.

Ross:Oh please, you should've seen you when you found out I slept with someone else while we were on a break.

Chandler:Wait, wait. Little Baby Girl Chandler? That's what Coach Hernandez used to call me in high school!

Chandler:Okay, I'm gonna try a zone defense. Joey, you take the left side, I'll take the right, and Monica, you're in the middle.

Monica:Chandler, these are babies, not the Knicks!

Chandler:Well, the Knicks strategy might actually work better on them.

Monica:Chandler, you're on diaper duty.

Chandler:What? But I just got the easy job of watching!

Monica:Not anymore. Diaper duty. Now.

Chandler:Could I BE any more in the end zone right now?

Monica:Okay, so you're saying the baby situation is like a restaurant complaint?

Monica:Well, if a customer comes in and says their plate is dirty, I don't just wipe it off and serve them again. I get them a new plate, I apologize, and I make sure it never happens again.

Monica:So maybe that's what we need to do here.

Joey:I can't believe the Porsche is still here!

Monica:That's because nobody wants it, Joey. It's parked in our garage.

Joey:Yeah, this equity investments guy told me I should diversify my portfolio.

Monica:Joey, you don't have any investments.

Joey:Exactly! Which is why I need to diversify them.

Monica:What? I like to be prepared!

Chandler:Monica, you don't have a car.

Monica:I know, but I got really into it. I may have washed some cars in the parking lot.

Rachel:Some cars?

Monica:Okay, a lot of cars. And they weren't all parked there.

Car Owner:Stop polishing my car!

Joey:But I waxed it. My wax, my rules.

Chandler:Oh yes, two hours of babysitting. That's basically the same as raising a child for eighteen years. You should definitely have more kids.

Monica:Wait, is this toy safe? There's no safety label.

Chandler:Not safe? Monica, this toy doesn't just break — it opens a portal to another dimension.

Chandler:And not a fun dimension. A dimension where everyone's a tax accountant and it's always February.

Chandler:In fact, I'm pretty sure if you wind it up backwards, it unwinds the entire fabric of spacetime.

Monica:Oh my God, this is anatomically correct!

Chandler:And that's a problem because...?

Monica:Because it's a children's toy! What if a kid looks at this and thinks that's what they're supposed to look like?

Phoebe:My mother used to lock me in the closet.

Phoebe:Well, actually the cabinet. It was a really small closet.

Monica:I just can't believe how flexible babies are.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm still flexible!

Chandler:How is that possible?

Chandler:I was trying to prove the toy was safe!

Monica:Wait, so Chandler swallowed it?

Ross:Yeah, he swallowed the little piece.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Chandler needs a babysitter too!

Ross:I can't believe they're asking if I use drugs on this legal form!

Rachel:Well, the fact that you know all the street names is kind of suspicious.

Ross:I'm not gay!

Rachel:Oh really? Then explain these.

Rachel:I found these under your bed.

Ross:Those aren't mine!

Rachel:Really? Because they have your name written inside them.

Rachel:Wait, so let me get this straight. He couldn't... and she's saying he did... with her?

Rachel:So basically, the one thing he couldn't do, is the one thing she's accusing him of doing?

Ross:I do not have a problem!

Rachel:Really? Because I heard—

Ross:Well, I can prove it right now if you want. We could go to the courthouse, get a marriage license, and I could consummate it right there on the judge's bench!

Ross:Your Honor, I object to the characterization that I am, in any way, inadequate in the bedroom. In fact, I have extensive experience with a wide variety of... techniques and positions.

Judge:Mr. Geller, this is a custody hearing.

Ross:Yes, well, I'm just saying that my flexibility and stamina are beyond reproach. I once lasted forty-five minutes without stopping, and that was just the foreplay.

Judge:We don't need to hear this.

Ross:But Your Honor, the opposing counsel implied—

Judge:Mr. Geller, sit down. Now.

Ross:I was in the zone. I was just... I was on fire.

Court Reporter:You were on fire in a courtroom during a deposition?

Ross:Metaphorically!

Judge:Is anything on this form actually true?

Rachel:Well, my name is Rachel.

Ross:No, no, no! Stop typing! The court is dismissed!

Court Reporter:I'm just getting down the dismissal, sir.

Ross:Well stop! Every word you type is part of the record!

Court Reporter:Exactly, so I need to—

Ross:No! Don't type that! You're making it worse! Stop talking about the typing while you're typing about the typing!

Rachel:Your Honor, I rest my case. He's clearly unstable.

Ross:I am NOT unstable!

Rachel:You just yelled at a judge about a sandwich.

Rachel:I'm not backing down. I know my rights!

Judge:Ms. Green, if you don't comply, I'll hold you in contempt of court.

Rachel:Oh! Well, actually, I think I was wrong. You're totally right. I back down. I back down so much.

Monica:Wait, if he took the car back, why are you still dressed like a Porsche owner?

Joey:If you wear Porsche clothes, you own a Porsche.

Monica:That's right.

Joey:You're wearing a Porsche shirt.

Monica:So?

Joey:So you own a Porsche!

Monica:I do not own a Porsche.

Joey:Then you can't wear the shirt.

Joey:Oh wow, that's a real smooth move, Chandler.

Phoebe:Yeah, I did that once. Except it was with a turkey and a mailbox.

Monica:You don't have a Porsche, Joey.

Joey:I know, but when I'm out there, I'm not Joey Tribbiani. I'm the guy who has the Porsche.

Monica:But you don't have a Porsche.

Joey:Monica, it's called method acting. I'm committed to the character.

Monica:So Chandler swallowed a piece of a toy?

Phoebe:Yeah, and they said it'll pass through his system in like seven years.

Monica:Seven years? That's the gum thing!

Phoebe:No, no, this is different. This is a toy. Although, you know, gum, toys... they're both gonna come out the same way.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not how it works.

Phoebe:Oh, like you know everything about digestion!

Phoebe:You can't go to the hospital! Hospitals are where people go to die.

Chandler:Actually, a lot of people go to get better.

Phoebe:Yeah, that's what they tell you. But what if you had an action figure? What would the action figure do?

Chandler:The action figure would go to the hospital.

Phoebe:Exactly! Because it doesn't have a choice!

Joey:Where is my car? I gave it to the valet like twenty minutes ago.

Joey:Oh... I have the keys.

Monica:Wow, Joey! You look like a Porsche threw up on you!

Joey:It's not a Porsche, it's a Porsch-ay.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm so sorry! Did I startle you? Mommy's just moving a little bit.

Monica:Phoebe, they're not real babies.

Phoebe:I know, but I have to practice. And besides, with your standards, if I don't treat these dolls right, you're gonna make me clean them.

Phoebe:Oops, I broke your vase.

Monica:WHAT?! That was an antique!

Phoebe:Yeah, well, these things happen. I once broke a guy's leg and he was totally fine with it.

Phoebe:Okay, okay, one of you guys has to tell me where the other one is. Come on, talk to me. Please? One of you talk!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I know you can do it. I've heard you guys... you know, making noises and stuff.

Chandler:Well, the doctor says it should pass through my system in a couple of days. So I guess I'll just have to be patient.

Phoebe:I'm great with babies! I've taken care of like a hundred of them.

Monica:Phoebe, look at my apartment. It looks like a tornado hit it. There's baby food on the ceiling. The ceiling, Phoebe!

Monica:My apartment is destroyed!

Chandler:Look at the bright side - at least now you have an open floor plan.

Rachel:I got married in Vegas!

Monica:What?! When?!

Rachel:Last night! It was so romantic, we were eating grapes and—

Chandler:You got married over grapes?

Rachel:Well, we couldn't decide between eating grapes or getting married, so we did both!

Ross:I know, I know. Three divorces. I'm basically the Elizabeth Taylor of my generation. Except, you know, without the talent, the beauty, the successful film career, or the ability to keep a marriage together.

Rachel:I can picture it now. A beautiful ceremony, white roses, string quartet...

Ross:And then we'd go to this amazing reception at the Plaza Hotel.

Rachel:Five-course meal, champagne, dancing all night...

Ross:Yeah, it would have been perfect.

Rachel:You know what? Even that sad Pizza Hut dinner we had was free.

Rachel:We got the free newlywed special.

Joey:Shh, shh, shh. She's sleeping.

Woman:It's a car.

Joey:I know what it is. And right now, she's sleeping. So we're gonna be very, very quiet, okay?

Woman:Joey, it's just a —

Joey:Shh! You're gonna wake her up!