The One With Rosss Teeth

Chandler:Hey, I'm Chandler. I just moved in next door.

Joey:Oh, hey! I'm Joey. Welcome to the building!

Chandler:Thanks! So, uh, listen, I was wondering if you wanted to come over and play this incredible sci-fi video game I just got. It's got aliens, time travel, the whole thing. We could be teammates fighting off the Zorgon invasion across seventeen different planetary systems.

Joey:Right now?

Chandler:Yeah, I mean, unless you have plans. It's pretty amazing. Last night I played for six hours straight.

Chandler:Oh. My. God.

Chandler:What happened to this place? It looks like a Barbie explosion in here!

Joey:What? You don't like it?

Chandler:Like it? Joey, there are doilies! Doilies, Joey! And is that a throw pillow shaped like a heart?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is all this? Did a girl explode in here?

Joey:What? I like it!

Chandler:Joey, you can't just have throw pillows. That's not a decorating style, that's a cry for help. Next thing you know, you'll be asking me to help you pick out curtains and we'll have to revoke your man card.

Joey:There's nothing wrong with—

Chandler:I'm not even sitting down. I'm standing very still and I'm not touching anything. I think I can feel my testosterone leaving my body.

Chandler:Look at this! Joey has decorative pillows on his couch!

Joey:What's wrong with that?

Chandler:What's wrong?! They're... they're decorative!

Chandler:And this... this is a decorative box. It's not for storing anything, it just sits here looking decorative. It's a box that's decorative. That's it. That's the whole thing. I could put stuff in it, but I'm not supposed to because then it wouldn't be decorative anymore, it would be functional. And we can't have that.

Chandler:Joey, you're getting way too into this spa stuff. Pretty soon you're gonna be getting manicures, facials, the whole thing.

Joey:So? What's wrong with that?

Chandler:Nothing... yet. But mark my words, one day you're gonna wake up and realize you've become... well, let's just say you won't be able to get a job as an action hero anymore.

Joey:I'm a man. I can handle this myself.

Joey:Hey, sweetie, do you need help folding those throw pillows?

Chandler:Yeah, and you're wearing nail polish.

Monica:Hillary's really depressed about her breakup.

Joey:Is she the hot one?

Joey:Hillary totally looked at me. I'm telling you, she's into me.

Monica:Joey, she was looking at the waiter behind you to ask for more water.

Joey:Well, maybe she didn't notice me yet. But she will. She'll see me, and she'll be like, 'Who is that guy?' And then she'll find out I'm an actor, and she'll be all impressed.

Monica:Joey, she walked right past you.

Joey:Exactly. She was playing hard to get.

Monica:Are you guys setting Ross up with someone?

Phoebe:Well, we were thinking about it, but then we remembered he's been married twice.

Phoebe:Can I use the copy machine?

Rachel:I don't work here anymore.

Monica:Congratulations on the Ralph Lauren job!

Rachel:Monica, that was a year ago.

Monica:Oh my God, I know I'm late, but I just wanted to say... congratulations on your one-year anniversary of when I should have congratulated you!

Chandler:Well, I hate to break it to you guys, but maybe it's because we're all sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of the workday.

Chandler:You know what? None of you are working. You're all just sitting around here doing nothing.

Chandler:We should probably all get to work.

Phoebe:Yeah, Ralph Lauren seems really nice.

Rachel:Phoebe, you kissed Ralph Lauren?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, like, once or twice.

Phoebe:Oh, he's married? Well, I guess I should've checked that first...

Phoebe:Wait. I actually should check that.

Chandler:Wait, you don't know this baby?

Joey:No, I just like looking at cute baby pictures.

Chandler:Oh my God.

Janine:It's an Anne Geddes photo.

Joey:Wait, the baby is Anne Geddes?

Joey:I'm telling you, there's too much... stuff. There's doilies and... and whatnots. And these little... these little pillowy things everywhere!

Joey:Wait, so Anne Geddes is a photographer? I thought she was just some lady who puts babies in vegetables.

Chandler:She does do that.

Joey:Well, now I'm confused. Is that art or just weird?

Monica:It's both, Joe.

Joey:Okay, so from now on, everything nice looking in someone's apartment is by a famous artist. That lamp? Probably a Tiffany. That painting? Definitely Monet. That throw pillow? Obviously a Banksy.

Joey:What is this thing? A really hot stick? Why would anyone want to grab a really hot stick?

Joey:A curling iron? Oh, that's cool.

Joey:Hey, what happened to my towels? They smell different.

Janine:They're clean and dry.

Joey:Clean and dry? What kind of basic hygiene are you talking about?

Joey:Wow, it smells amazing! So you're telling me this whole time I could've been eating this?

Janine:No, Joey, it's just for smelling.

Joey:Well, that's a waste. It's like having a really pretty salad you can't eat.

Rachel:What did you think of my marketing report?

Kim:I didn't read it.

Rachel:So what do you think about the spring line?

Kim:Meh.

Rachel:You know, Kim, I've been trying to be nice to you, but you've been nothing but cold and dismissive.

Kim:I don't know what you're talking about.

Rachel:Oh please. But anyway, did you hear? I heard Ralph Lauren is having major drama with his design team.

Kim:Wait, what? Ralph Lauren? Tell me everything!

Ross:What? I whitened them!

Chandler:Yeah, you whitened them... too much.

Monica:Ross, they're glowing.

Ross:They're not glowing, they're just bright! It's a new whitening system I got from the dentist.

Phoebe:You look like a vampire in sunlight.

Ross:Oh come on, they look great!

Ross:So what do you think of my teeth? I whitened them.

Chandler:Oh wow, they're so white! I can't look directly at them. It's like looking at the sun.

Monica:Ross, your teeth are so white, they're starting to glow in the dark.

Monica:I'm pretty sure aliens can see you from space.

Monica:How much longer did you leave it on than the instructions said?

Ross:A day.

Monica:A day?!

Ross:Well, I fell asleep.

Ross:Are my teeth really that bad for my date?

Monica:Well, your only hope is if she can't see.

Monica:Hillary's blind.

Chandler:Well, Ross's teeth will blind her.

Ross:Do you notice anything different?

Rachel:Oh my God, your teeth! I could see them from outside the building!

Monica:Oh wow, congratulations you two! Rachel, you got promoted because people were talking about you, and Ross, your teeth are so bright they could be seen from space. What an incredible week for you both!

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! What about us? We're in a relationship!

Monica:I know, but it's Ralph Lauren!

Chandler:Oh, so what, I'm not good enough? I'm Chandler Bing. I make jokes and I'm... I'm Chandler Bing.

Monica:Can you look at this Ralph Lauren photo for me?

Chandler:Oh, that's fabulous! The way the light catches the fabric is absolutely divine. And those colors? Stunning! The silhouette is just gorgeous, really brings out the... the elegance of the whole piece. Simply magnificent!

Phoebe:Oh, Ralph Lauren? Yeah, I know Ralph Lauren. We made out once.

Phoebe:*in a deep, gruff voice* 'Hey baby, it's Ralph Lauren.' *back to normal voice* That's Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe:Oh, he was this man, you know, he had a really nice suit on, and he smelled really good. And he said he was Ralph Lauren.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe:Well, that's what he said! He said, 'Hi, I'm Ralph Lauren.' And I believed him!

Rachel:Wait, Phoebe, that guy with the hacky sack? That's just the copy room guy. He comes in like once a week to use the copier.

Phoebe:What? No! He's... he seemed so spiritual and free!

Rachel:Phoebe, he works in the copy room. He probably lives in like, Hoboken or something.

Phoebe:Why would Kenny lie?

Rachel:Because he's a liar, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Oh... oh!

Monica:Not white... not cream... not ivory... not pearl... not off-white... not beige... not tan... not yellow... not orange... not red... not pink... not purple... not blue... not green... not black... not gray... I give up!

Monica:You know what? If you got a little sun, your teeth wouldn't look so bright.

Ross:Oh, okay. So I should get darker so my teeth look less bright? That's... that's a great idea, Monica. I'll just go get a little tan. You know, maybe I'll get a spray tan, or I could just stand outside in the sun for a few minutes without sunscreen and destroy my skin like everyone else.

Monica:Come on, let me put some makeup on you.

Ross:Monica, we're adults.

Monica:So?

Ross:So, adults don't wear makeup.

Monica:Ross, it's totally normal for men to wear makeup. Lots of guys do it.

Ross:Monica, what are you talking about?

Monica:I mean, it's like... it's just makeup. It's not a big deal. Men wear it all the time in theater and—

Monica:Wait, no, I mean... not ALL the time. Just sometimes. When they need to. For work reasons.

Ross:Are you okay?

Monica:Yeah, fine! Totally fine. I was just saying... you know what? Forget it.

Phoebe:Ross, can you put up some flyers for me?

Ross:Sure, Phoebe. What are they for?

Phoebe:My new massage business. I need them posted around the city.

Ross:Okay, I can do that.

Phoebe:Great! Just smile really big so people know you're trustworthy.

Ross:Like this?

Phoebe:Ahhh! What is that?! Your teeth! They're so bright they're glowing! You're blinding me!

Ross:What? No, they're not—

Phoebe:I can't look at you! You're like a human flashlight!

Ross:*screams and hides behind his hands*

Chandler:My day has been so girlie. I got a manicure, I cried at a movie, and I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating.

Chandler:We're like, two steps away from being a lesbian couple.

Chandler:I'm going to do something really manly today.

Chandler:I'm going to go to a sports bar, drink beer, and watch the game.

Monica:Chandler, you hate sports.

Chandler:I know, but I'm going to sit there and pretend to care while eating wings and yelling at the TV.

Joey:That's the spirit!

Chandler:You know, the guys' night out thing - we go to a bar, drink beer, watch sports, talk about women, maybe arm wrestle...

Monica:That's not what you guys do. You sit around talking about your feelings and eating my food.

Monica:Women are just as capable as men. We can do anything they can do. Gender stereotypes are completely outdated and wrong.

Monica:Who am I kidding? We're terrible at parallel parking.

Chandler:Hey, what are you doing?

Joey:Oh, hey! I'm making a scrapbook.

Chandler:A scrapbook? With what, doilies and potpourri?

Joey:Actually, I'm using dried flowers and ribbon. Want to help?

Joey:Hey Chandler, you wanna learn to knit?

Chandler:Oh sure, Joelle. That sounds great.

Chandler:Could the three of us BE any more in touch with our feminine side?

Chandler:Joey, you're getting a manicure. Ross, you're reading a book about... what is that, throw pillows?

Chandler:And I'm standing here in a woman's apartment on a Saturday night, watching you two, realizing that somewhere, somewhere in the city, there's a guy who's still... a guy.

Her detective work reveals Rachel was the only one in the copy room

Rachel:I didn't use my keycard.

Rachel:Wait, what does a keycard do?

Kim:You could cut the sexual tension in here with a knife.

Ross:Mmph... mhmm... *nods mysteriously*

Date:I'm sorry, what? I can't understand you.

Ross:*mumbles incoherently while covering mouth* Mmm-hmm, yeah, totally...

Date:Are you okay? Do you have a cold?

Ross:*mysterious look, barely audible* It's... it's complicated.

Joey:You gotta strip the leaves off the stems, okay? It's like when I'm getting ready for an audition — you gotta remove all the unnecessary stuff.

Joey:And then you arrange them by height. Tall ones in the back, short ones in front. It's all about composition, people.

Joey:See, the trick is to use a sharp knife — none of this crushing the stems business. You want a clean cut, nice angle, about 45 degrees.

Joey:And change the water every two days. Keep it fresh. It's not that different from taking care of yourself, really.

Monica:I'll teach you how to make a bird feeder.

Joey:Oh, I love birds! They're so beautiful and delicate.

Chandler:Joey, your apartment looks like a Pottery Barn threw up in here.

Joey:What? I think it looks great! Very sophisticated.

Chandler:Sophisticated? Joey, there are doilies on your furniture and a picture of Anne Geddes babies above your couch.

Joey:Yeah, so? Anne Geddes is classy. Those babies in the flower pots are beautiful.

Chandler:They're not real babies, Joey.

Joey:I know that! But the point is, Anne Geddes gets it. She understands that babies are nature's way of saying 'decorate more.'

Chandler:You've become a woman.

Joey:No I haven't!

Chandler:You're wearing my sweater, you're upset, you're crying...

Joey:I'm not crying!

Chandler:There are tears streaming down your face right now.

Joey:Oh my God... I'm a girl.

Chandler:No, no, no, I can see how this happened. See, Kenny Rogers' people were trying to keep his chicken recipe a secret, right? So they hired someone to dress up as Ralph Lauren and confuse everyone about who was actually famous for what. It's the only logical explanation.

Phoebe:You could just ask your boss for a raise.

Rachel:I know I could, but I'm not going to.

Rachel:I can't sleep with Ralph Lauren.

Phoebe:Oh, what about the copy guy? He's cute!

Hillary:What's wrong with you?

Ross:Nothing's wrong with me. But that black light is from 1987.

Rachel:Ralph said, 'It's not you, it's me. You're too good for me. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're talented...'

Rachel:And then he said, 'I'm just not good enough for someone like you. Someone as amazing as Kim. Now Kim, that's a woman who really has it all together.'

Kim:Oh my God, did you see the way he looked at you? That was totally a look.

Rachel:Kim, he's my boss. He was just asking about the account.

Kim:Exactly! He asked about the account in a very specific way. That's how men flirt in the fashion industry.

Rachel:No, that's just... professional.

Kim:Professional? Rachel, he made eye contact for like three whole seconds. Three! That's basically a marriage proposal in corporate America.

Rachel:Have you ever been through romantic drama?

Kim:Well, I had an affair with a lowly copy room employee.

Joey:Okay, okay, I know what this looks like. But hear me out.

Joey:I want the throw pillows. I want the nice curtains. I want one of those little decorative mirrors on the wall.

Janine:Joey, what are you talking about?

Joey:And maybe some scented candles. The really good ones that smell like vanilla and lavender.

Janine:This is insane.

Joey:Fine! You want to know the truth? I'm tired of pretending! I want my room to look nice! I want it to smell good! I want a really soft throw blanket!