The One With The Cheap Wedding Dress

Ross:I used to go all over town listening to swing bands. I was really into it.

Chandler:Yeah, the Gap commercial.

Monica:So what is your job in all of this wedding planning?

Chandler:My job? To stay out of the way.

Monica:There were only 12 appetizers, not 15.

Ross:Yeah, well I just added three more to the list.

Chandler:Being engaged actually makes me less nervous talking to pretty girls. I mean, I'm like, 'Oh, she's attractive, but I'm taken, so... no pressure!'

Ross:You know, this street has a really interesting history. Back in 1987, there was a sewage backup that lasted for three weeks.

Kristen:That's... that's the least romantic thing I've ever heard.

Ross:Oh! Or did you know that a hot dog cart exploded on this corner in 1992?

Chandler:Smooth.

Ross:No, no, you go first.

Chandler:I insist, you go first.

Ross:Chandler, please, after you.

Chandler:Ross, I'm not going anywhere until you go.

Ross:Well, I'm not moving until you move.

Chandler:Fine, okay, on three. One... two...

Ross:Wait, what are we doing?

Chandler:I don't know!

Both:[They both lunge forward simultaneously and crash into each other, sending papers and coffee flying]

Monica:Oh my God, you look absolutely beautiful!

Monica:I mean, as long as you're wearing that dress.

Monica:I'm going to ball my eyes out!

Megan · Monica:- I'm not. I just like to try these on. - I do the same thing. I'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25. I'm just kidding too. I'm getting married in December.

Monica:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't unsee that! I can't unsee that!

Monica:Why would you show me that?! Why would anyone take that?!

Megan:I love Carcass! They're amazing!

Megan:Whether it's Carcass, Carcus, Carkass... they're all great bands!

Megan:This place is way too expensive! How do you expect anyone to shop here with these prices?

Store Owner:Well, you're welcome to leave.

Megan:So... do you have these pants in a size 4?

Store Owner:You just said my store was a dump.

Megan:Right, but do you have them in a size 4?

Joey:Hey, I'll help you move!

Kristen:Really? That would be great. My last helper threw out his back.

Joey:His back? Oh, don't worry about me. I'm in great shape!

Joey:Kristen, that's such a beautiful name.

Kristen:Thank you!

Joey:So... what is it?

Joey:You gotta watch out for shoe thieves around here.

Joey:Especially if you're napping on the stoop. They can tell you're vulnerable.

Joey:Last week, this guy took off his shoes to nap, and by the time he woke up, both shoes were gone.

Joey:One shoe, maybe you could survive that. But two shoes? You're stuck.

Joey:So my advice: keep your shoes on, or at least tie them to your wrist.

Phoebe:Hey Joey, why don't you take the lighter boxes? You're so strong, you won't even notice them.

Joey:Really? You think I'm strong?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, totally. Here, take these feathers.

Rachel:Okay, so we go in, we hit the clearance rack first, then we sweep through bridal, and we're out in twenty minutes.

Monica:That's a good plan, but what if they've already picked through the clearance?

Rachel:Then we go to Plan B. We split up. You take menswear, I'll take the discount bin.

Monica:Wait, why do I have menswear?

Rachel:Because you're faster. And if you see Chandler's ex, you know the signal.

Monica:What signal?

Rachel:The bathroom trip. You fake a bathroom emergency and text me. We regroup in accessories.

Rachel:Okay, if we get separated, use the emergency whistle protocol. Three short blasts means you found the dress, two long blasts means you found something almost as good, and one continuous blast means you've given up and gone to get coffee.

Monica:No, too white. No, too poufy. No, too... bridal.

Monica:What about this one? No, the neckline says 'desperate.' And this one? Definitely says 'I settled.'

Monica:Oh my God, I'm running out of dresses and time! How is this happening?

Monica:Excuse me, this is MY rack. I was here first.

Monica:You need to move down at least three racks. I need my personal shopping space.

Monica:No, don't touch that one! I already checked it and rejected it, so it's IN my pile.

Megan:You freak!

Megan:Maybe I do. I'm pretty feisty!

Rachel:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop! Monica, Megan, please just—

Monica:That's MY dress!

Megan:No, it's mine!

Rachel:Okay, can we all just calm down and talk about this like adults?

Rachel:Oh God, oh God, somebody help me!

Rachel:Phoebe! Phoebe, grab my hand!

Phoebe:I'm trying! There's a woman with a stroller the size of a Buick!

Rachel:Don't let go of me! I can't feel my legs!

Phoebe:That's probably just the circulation cut off from the crowd crushing you.

Rachel:Well, find Monica before I become a human pancake!

Chandler:Yeah, nothing says romance like a good sewage story. That's right up there with your lecture on the history of the bidet.

Chandler:Don't worry about the other guy. It's just Ross.

Joey:Ross?

Chandler:Yeah, I mean, what's he gonna do? Bore her to death with some obscure fact about the mating habits of the Neanderthal?

Ross:You should date Kristen. I've done an objective analysis.

Joey:No way! She should date me. I've done an objective analysis too.

Ross:Well, actually, if you examine the philological and sociological implications of dating within our immediate social circle, one could argue that the inherent power dynamics and potential for emotional disruption create a fundamentally untenable situation.

Joey:No way, dude. I'm dating her.

Joey:How about we set a limit of six dollars?

Ross:Six dollars? Joey, that's a pizza slice!

Joey:Exactly.

Joey:Hey, can I borrow like ninety bucks?

Monica:Hello? HELLO? Are you there? I can't hear you! Speak up! What? No, I'm not yelling, YOU'RE not speaking clearly enough! Listen, I don't have all day for this! Either you have something to say or you don't! Make up your mind! What do you want?!

Chandler:Wait, so what's the problem? Just get another band.

Monica:It's not that simple! They were perfect and now they're gone.

Chandler:Okay, but there are other bands out there. What about that heavy metal group that was playing at Central Perk last week?

Monica:Chandler, no.

Chandler:Why not? I thought they were great. That one song really spoke to me.

Joey:Hey, that's a great outfit!

Ross:Thanks! Actually, it's not supposed to make me look good. It's supposed to keep me warm.

Joey:Dude, what's with your face? You're glowing.

Ross:Oh, well, I've been using a retinol-based serum in the evenings and a hyaluronic acid moisturizer in the mornings.

Joey:Retinol? Hyaluronic? Dude, you sound like a Sephora commercial.

Ross:It's called skincare, Joey. You should try it sometime.

Ross:Well, technically, the agreement said no gifts over fifty dollars. These flowers were forty-nine ninety-five.

Rachel:Ross!

Ross:What? I rounded down!

Monica:I'm just going to organize these shelves and definitely not discuss swing music.

Joey:Hey Monica, has anyone seen my... well, anything? I lost it somewhere in my apartment.

Monica:Joey, your apartment is like a black hole. Last week I found a sandwich from 1997 under your couch.

Phoebe:Oh my God, they are so bad! I mean, I've heard better music coming from a dying cat being dragged through a car wash!

Chandler:The Swing Kings were the first band Monica and I ever listened to together. We were sitting on the couch in our apartment, and she put on their album, and I remember thinking, 'This is nice. This is really nice.' And then I realized it wasn't the music I loved. It was her.

Monica:Well, I can't argue with that.

Ross:You know, I've been having some back problems lately. It's actually from carrying around all this muscle mass. My physique is so developed that my spine can barely support the weight of my own musculature.

Kristen:Ross, that's not how backs work.

Ross:No, no, it's true! I read it on a forum. Very muscular men often have back issues. It's basically a sign of how jacked I am.

Ross:I used to have a friend named Joey.

Joey:Used to?

Ross:Yeah. We're not friends anymore.

Ross:Joey, I didn't know you were on Days of Our Lives!

Joey:Yeah, I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Ross:That's great. And, uh, what does Dr. Drake Ramoray do?

Joey:He's a neurosurgeon.

Ross:Oh wow. And he's a woman?

Ross:You played a woman on Days of Our Lives?

Joey:I didn't play a woman. I played a man who was trapped in a woman's body.

Ross:I've been married three times.

Rachel:Three times?!

Monica:Oh my God, Ross!

Ross:What? I told you I was married twice!

Chandler:Yeah, but you left out a wife!

Joey:I'm getting hungry.

Joey:You know what I hate? When you're on a date and the girl steals your food. So I'm like, 'Hey, I'm gonna get you back.' So I steal her food. But then she gets mad! 'Why'd you steal my food?' I'm like, 'Because you stole mine!' She's like, 'But I'm a girl.' I'm like, 'So what? That doesn't mean you get to steal my food just because you're a girl!' She's like, 'Well, you should've ordered something you didn't care about.' I'm like, 'Well, you should've ordered something you didn't care about!'

Joey:I ate your food? I would never do that!

Kristen:Really? Because you ate my cheesecake last week and told me it was Monica.

Joey:Why did your first marriage end?

Ross:Well, Carol realized she was a lesbian.

Joey:Wow. So she's, uh... she's gay?

Ross:Yes, Joey. She's gay.

Joey:And you didn't know?

Ross:No!

Joey:Huh. Well, that sucks.

Joey:You know what your problem is? You drive women to lesbianism.

Ross:At least I have a real job. You're still doing those ridiculous Calvin Klein underwear ads!

Joey:Those ads paid for my apartment!

Ross:Yeah, well, they also paid for everyone in New York to see you in your underwear.

Joey:At least I don't have a pet monkey that's smarter than me!

Ross:Marcel is not smarter than me!

Joey:Dude, Marcel learned sign language. What have you learned? How to use a microscope?

Ross:Hey! Don't talk about Marcel like that! He's a sensitive monkey, okay? He has feelings!

Joey:Ross, it's a monkey.

Ross:So? That doesn't mean he doesn't understand what you're saying. He's very intelligent. He watches TV, he uses the bathroom—

Ross:Yeah, well, at least I don't slip on banana peels for a living, and I've never had my face plastered on a 'Get Tested' poster!

Joey:Yeah? Well, you're a big... stupid... head!

Ross:When she said 'I'm leaving you.'

Ross:So, are you hungry?

Joey:Oh man, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

Chandler:So, Monica, another boyfriend? What's that, like your third one this week?

Monica:Yeah, well, at least I'm not making jokes about my own love life... oh wait, you don't have one.

Chandler:That dress is horrible. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

Chandler:I hate this dress more worser than I hate standing here talking about how much I hate this dress.

Chandler:Ugly? This dress is hideous! The way it clings to you, it's absolutely revolting. And those colors... they bring out your eyes in the most distracting way possible.

Monica:Chandler, that's not an insult.

Chandler:I know!

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? A spa day? Did you guys run out of things to do?

Ross:It's just a face mask, Chandler. It's good for your skin.

Chandler:Yeah, and a miniskirt is good for ventilation, but I'm not wearing one to the office.

Ross:Hey, we're not metrosexuals. We're just secure enough in our masculinity to care about our appearance.

Ross:Okay, so we just leave these on for ten minutes.

Joey:Yeah, my dermatologist said it's great for the skin.

Ross:Oh, you have a dermatologist?

Joey:Well, not officially. But I watch a lot of YouTube videos.

Ross:That's not... okay.

Joey:You know what? Let's play ping pong.

Ross:Joey, we have wet clay all over our faces.

Joey:So? Makes it more challenging.