The One With The Truth About London

Joey:Hey, you need something?

Ross:Yeah, I just need to use the bathroom for a second.

Ross:I'm just gonna, uh, look under the sink. Make sure there's nothing... unsanitary under there.

Joey:Dude, what are you doing?

Ross:Nothing! Just checking for, you know, magazines. Old magazines. That might be a fire hazard.

Ross:Phoebe, that was Monica who thanked you, not Rachel.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, they're basically the same person anyway.

Rachel:I'm going to be alone forever.

Ross:No you won't. You'll be alone for a while, and then you'll meet someone.

Rachel:I've never been alone with a baby before. What if something happens?

Ross:Rachel, relax. You're going to be fine. What's the worst that could happen?

Rachel:I don't know! What if he cries? What if he won't stop crying?

Ross:Okay, okay. Look, I leave Ben with sitters all the time. You're a smart, capable woman. If you can handle your job, you can handle a baby for a few hours.

Rachel:Really?

Ross:Really. I mean, it's not like you have to perform open-heart surgery. You just have to watch him, feed him, and keep him from killing himself. How hard is that?

Ross:Are you gonna be okay?

Rachel:Yeah, I'll be fine.

Ross:I was asking Ben.

Monica:Well, you'd be fine. He'd just spit on you and it would run right off.

Monica:Hey! My eyes are up here!

Minister:I was just reading the vows...

Monica:Yeah, well, you were reading them to my breasts.

Phoebe:One of you guys should perform the ceremony.

Chandler:Oh, I would, but I'm not ordained.

Joey:I'll do it. I'm a minister.

Chandler:Wait, you're a minister? Since when?

Joey:Since I got online and ordered it off the internet.

Chandler:Oh, so it's like a real marriage, but with a pretend minister.

Phoebe:I call it! I call officiating the wedding!

Monica:Phoebe, you can't just call it.

Phoebe:Why not? Joey called it!

Monica:Joey called it first.

Phoebe:Well, I'm calling it again. I call it! I call it! I call it!

Monica:I need someone who's actually ordained. Not like that time with the Elvis impersonator, and definitely not someone who got their license off the internet.

Rachel:We're not together anymore.

Ben:But you were on a break, right?

Ben:When is daddy coming back?

Rachel:Um, 47 days, 3 hours, and... 16 minutes.

Ben:Can we do the quarter prank on Rachel?

Rachel:No. I know what you're doing, and I'm not falling for it.

Joey:I'm not gonna stare at your breasts.

Monica:Thank you.

Joey:I'm gonna stare at your ass.

Joey:I'm gonna be a minister! How cool is that?

Chandler:That's great, Joe. Uh, one thing though — ministers have to be celibate.

Joey:What? No! I can't do that!

Ross:You taught my son to do WHAT?!

Rachel:It was just a harmless prank, Ross.

Ross:Harmless?! He put a fake spider in Monica's bed!

Rachel:Oh come on, it was funny.

Ross:It was funny until she actually screamed so loud she fell out and broke her lamp. But that's not even the worst part.

Rachel:What could be worse?

Ross:The spider... wasn't fake. Ben had just found it in the yard.

Rachel:Come on, it was funny!

Ross:Funny? Rachel, they put a dead fish in my desk drawer. A DEAD FISH. Do you know how long it took me to find it? Three weeks. THREE WEEKS. My entire office smelled like a fishing boat.

Joey:Hey guys, I got ordained online! I can marry people now.

Chandler:Joey, you can't even get yourself organized online.

Joey:What? It's easy. I just filled out a form and—

Ross:Wait, let me see this. What website did you use?

Joey:Um... I don't remember. It was one of those sites.

Monica:Joey, please tell me you didn't give them your credit card information.

Joey:Well, yeah, how else would they verify—Oh God. Oh God, no. I just realized something.

Rachel:What?

Joey:I'm not actually ordained. It was a popup ad.

Joey:You know, when two people decide to get married, they're saying they want to spend the rest of their lives together. And that's what marriage is all about. Two people who love each other so much, they can't imagine living without the other person. And that's what we have here today.

Chandler:You know, it's not too late to get a new minister.

Carol:Where's Ben?

Ben:Boo!

Rachel:Ben, you have to stop with the pranks. It's not funny anymore.

Ben:It's not funny anymore.

Rachel:Stop it!

Ben:Stop it!

Rachel:This is so annoying!

Ben:This is so annoying!

Ben:Why? Why? Why? Why?

Rachel:Because I said so!

Ben:Why? Why? Why? Why?

Rachel:Oh my God, shut up!

Ben:Why? Why? Why? Why?

Rachel:Okay, okay, that's not... Ben, you can't repeat things like that. It's not... Look, just stop asking why, okay?

Joey:I'm not just some guy. I'm a man of refinement and sophistication. When I'm with a woman, it's not about... you know. It's about the connection, the emotional intimacy, the—

Joey:We bang.

Joey:You know, I got this whole thing figured out. There's like three levels of romance, right? There's the eyes meeting across a crowded room thing, that's like a seven. Then there's the bathtub with strawberries, candles, rose petals—that's a nine. And then there's the thing where you're just sitting there, not saying anything, and you don't have to.

Joey:That's a ten. That's the stuff that gets you the ten.

Chandler:You look beautiful tonight.

Chandler:I mean, for you.

Chandler:How drunk are you?

Monica:Just drunk enough that if you take advantage of me, I won't remember it, but not so drunk that I won't feel guilty about it tomorrow.

Monica:You're a really good kisser.

Chandler:Well, thank you. I've been practicing.

Monica:On who?

Chandler:Your mother.

Chandler:I know what you're thinking: 'Finally, someone who can get undressed in under four minutes.' Well, I have other skills.

Chandler:So we're just gonna... see each other naked?

Monica:I guess so. I mean, we've been friends for years.

Chandler:Right. So this changes nothing.

Monica:Nothing at all.

Chandler:Joey, just leave me one condom.

Joey:Why would you only need one?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me that if I hadn't almost sent that prostitute to Chandler's apartment that night, none of this would have happened?

Joey:Wait, you wanted me? You wanted me originally?

Chandler:Oh, come on! She's just saying that to make you feel good about yourself.

Joey:No, no, no, she said she wanted me.

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm sure that's true. In some alternate universe where you're not an idiot.

Chandler:So what you're saying is, I'm Robin.

Joey:Wait, Robin's gay?

Ross:What's Carol's last name?

Rachel:Uh... Channing?

Ross:Willick. Carol Willick.

Rachel:Oh! That's so much better than Channing!

Ross:Do you know how long it took me to get this line off my face?

Student:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—

Ross:Three weeks! Three weeks of looking like I had a permanent crease in my forehead!

Student:It was just a quarter...

Ross:Just a quarter? Do you have any idea what you've done? You've made me the laughingstock of the paleontology department!

Chandler:You know what? Fine. Take the scone. You always do. I'm like the scone nobody wants. Nobody's first choice. I'm just here, sitting in the basket, getting stale, while everyone else is out there being eaten.

Monica:Chandler, that's not true.

Chandler:Yeah? Name one time you chose the scone first.

Joey:This is perfect! You cooking for me every night?

Monica:Of course! Lasagna, meatloaf, whatever you want.

Joey:I'm the luckiest guy in the world!

Monica:Well, that's basically our entire relationship.

Joey:And I'm okay with that!

Joey:How you doin'?

Monica:Joey, we live together. You saw me this morning.

Joey:Yeah, but how you doin'?

Rachel:I can't do pranks anymore.

Ben:Oh really? Because I just got you to believe that.