The One With Joeys Award

Monica:It's a... thing-a-ding-ding.

Monica:Okay, okay, we can fix this. We just need to make it look like something else.

Chandler:Like what? An elephant?

Monica:Yes! Exactly! We'll add eyes and a trunk and—

Ross:Monica, that's still a penis with eyes.

Joey:Monica, I have an announcement!

Monica:Oh my God! That's amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Joey:You don't even know what it is yet.

Monica:It doesn't matter! Whatever it is, I'm excited!

Joey:I'm moving to Los Angeles.

Monica:Oh.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! It's a very prestigious award. It's been real for like two or three years now.

Monica:What if we just write 'NASA' on it?

Chandler:Monica, that doesn't make it less of a penis cake.

Joey:I won a Soapie!

Rachel:That's great, Joey. You know, the Soapie is only the third most prestigious award in daytime television.

Monica:You have to come to the awards ceremony with me.

Joey:Mon, I can't. There's a thing.

Monica:What thing?

Joey:A really important thing. Ugly Naked Guy is finally gonna take a shower.

Monica:I could get you a microphone-shaped cake.

Joey:With tennis balls?

Student:What noise does a velociraptor make?

Ross:*makes elaborate dinosaur screech*

Ned · Ross:What did I get? / Seven.

Student:I'm in love with you.

Ross:Well, that's... that's very flattering, but I'm flattered, and I'm also your professor, so...

Ross:In spite of what may be written on the backs of these chairs.

Phoebe:Well, yeah, because if you say you're engaged, then he knows you're not available. But if you just say you have a boyfriend, he'll think 'Oh, maybe she'll break up with him.' But if you say you're engaged, it's like, 'Oh, she's definitely taken.' It's final.

Monica:That makes sense.

Phoebe:Yeah, it's like if someone's dead, you don't go 'Oh, maybe they'll come back to life.' You just accept it. It's over.

Monica:Well, that's not really my problem, is it?

Monica:Wait, so he was interested in me the whole time?

Phoebe:Yeah, I knew.

Monica:And you didn't tell me?!

Phoebe:I was enjoying the chaos.

Joey:Thank you so much. I'd like to thank my best friend Chandler, my best friend Monica, my best friend Phoebe, and Ross.

Ross:Fourth?

Chandler:I practice acceptance speeches too.

Joey:Yeah? For what?

Chandler:Well, I like to cover all the bases. You know, I do one for an Oscar, one for a Tony, one for a Grammy...

Joey:A Grammy? Chandler, you don't sing!

Chandler:I could win for Best New Artist!

Chandler:You're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.

Joey:So what's your Grammy fantasy?

Chandler:Oh, that I win a Grammy.

Joey:No, no, no. Like, what do you imagine? You know, you're up on stage, you've won...

Chandler:I'm not gonna win a Grammy, Joey.

Waitress:What's your dog's name?

Monica:Joey.

Waitress:That's cute!

Monica:Yeah, well, I'm taking home all his leftovers anyway.

Monica:I feel so intoxicated by new love!

Monica:Wait, no... I've actually had six actual drinks.

Monica:Men don't think about marriage the way women do. Women plan their whole lives around it. Men just kind of... go along with it.

Monica:I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old.

Ross:So this student came up to me after class and said she had a crush.

Monica:Oh my God, did you tell her you're not interested?

Ross:Well, I was trying to be nice about it—

Monica:Ross! You can't just lead her on! You need to tell her clearly that you have a girlfriend!

Ross:Monica, she had a crush on the class material, not on me.

Monica:...Oh.

Ross:Do I give off a sexy professor vibe?

Monica:No.

Ross:How did you get over your teacher crush?

Monica:Well, I got under him.

Monica:Okay, bye!

Jake:Bye!

Monica:No wait, one more hug.

Jake:Okay.

Monica:And one more kiss.

Jake:Sure.

Monica:Actually, can you just stay? I miss you already.

Jake:I haven't even left yet.

Monica:I know, but I'm going to miss this moment when you do.

Monica:We have such a deep, meaningful relationship.

Chandler:Yeah... could you not wear pants tomorrow?

Rachel:I was late because I stopped to buy toilet paper at this weird celebrity memorabilia store.

Rachel:Apparently it's from when Angelina Jolie sneezed on it in 1997.

Rachel:It comes with a certificate of authenticity and a tiny display case.

Joey:If I win, can I hug you?

Rachel:Of course!

Joey:Great! Because millions of people are gonna see me touching you on television.

Joey:What the—

Joey:And the award goes to... my co-star! Congratulations, you deserve this.

Joey:Actually, you know what? I'm gonna need that back.

Joey:No, I know what 'behalf' means. It's like, be-half. You know, like you're only half of something without the other person.

Joey:So when I do something on your behalf, I'm like, half you. We're a team!

Joey:What? It could be a Grammy! Look at it!

Chandler:Joey, it says 'Best Adhesive' on it.

Joey:So? They don't put what it's for on Grammys!

Monica:It says 'Actress' on it.

Joey:So? I'll just scratch it off.

Joey:Fine! Fine, I'll return it. But I'm not happy about it.

Joey:You know what? I earned this thing. ME. And now you're all making me give it back like I'm some kind of criminal.

Joey:Well, you know what? If I can't have it, NOBODY can have it!

Ross:I think her feelings for me are genuine. She's really into me.

Lewis:Ross, she's running the same scam on three other professors.

Lewis:I can explain everything.

Ross:Really? Because we have your high school yearbook right here.

Lewis:That's not me. That's my twin brother, Lewis.

Student:I really love you, Ross. I mean it.

Ross:Oh yeah? Prove it. Can you do this?

Ross:I'm gonna need you to take a punch to the face.

Student:Professor Geller, I have to tell you something. I'm in love with you.

Ross:Oh! Well, that's... that's very flattering, but you know, I'm your professor, and that would be completely inappropriate.

Student:I know, but I just had to tell you. I'm failing your class anyway, so what does it matter?

Ross:Wait, you're failing? Well, actually, I just graded your last exam. You got a B+.

Student:A B+? So I'm passing?

Ross:Yes, you're passing.

Student:Oh, never mind then. I'm not in love with you anymore.

Monica:Phoebe, I need relationship advice. Things with Chandler have been tense lately.

Phoebe:Oh, I know exactly what you need to do. Just stop talking to him. Completely. Don't tell him anything.

Monica:Phoebe, that's terrible advice!

Phoebe:No, no, it works! If you don't tell him what's bothering you, he can't argue about it. Problem solved!

Phoebe:My mother always said, 'The only way to be truly happy is to help others.'

Monica:Your mother also said she was a lesbian ice dancer from Iceland.

Phoebe:Wait, so my mother was wrong about that too? What about when she told me that if you sing to plants, they grow faster?

Joey:So you'll display it?

Jessica:A Soapie? That's not a real award.

Monica:Do you get excited meeting new people?

Chandler:No, I get excited when people leave.

Monica:Do you sweat even with me?

Chandler:Yeah, I sweat with you, I sweat without you, I sweat instead of you.

Monica:What?

Chandler:I sweat for a living. I'm a professional sweater.

Monica:I feel like my life is just the same thing over and over again. I need new experiences.

Chandler:Well, we could do a lot of firsts together. Your first time seeing me cook breakfast... your first time watching me try to parallel park... your first time hearing me attempt to fix something... your first time realizing I've broken it worse...

Monica:That's not exactly what I meant.

Chandler:Oh, and your first time forgiving me for all of it.

Monica:I just got so emotional thinking about our future together.

Chandler:Could I BE any more in need of a glass of water right now?

Student:So, do you like my new haircut?

Ross:Oh, um, yes, it's very... nice.

Student:I got it because I thought you might notice me.

Ross:Well, I did notice. It's great. Really great. You think it looks good? Because I got a new haircut too, and I've been wondering if people think it looks good.

Ross:You took my class? You sat in my lectures, you ate my food at office hours, and you didn't even show up for the final exam?

Ross:I thought what we had was special. I thought you *cared* about paleontology!

Ross:But no, you were just using me. Using me for the credits and the knowledge and the free dinosaur facts!

Ross:I can't believe this. I really can't.

Phoebe:Thank you so much for this Nobel Prize. I can't believe I won a Nobel Prize. I'm so honored. And I want to thank my parents, and my friends, and...

Phoebe:Oh my God, I just won a Tony! A Tony! Thank you so much!

Phoebe:And now I'm winning the award for Best Actress in a Neil Simon play that hasn't been written yet!

Phoebe:I'd like to thank the Academy, my family, my agent... Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!