The One With Ross And Monicas Cousin

Joey:I'm practicing being rude to people because when I become famous, I'm gonna have to be a jerk to them.

Joey:This guy is like, the next Spielberg!

Chandler:The next Spielberg? What does that mean? There's only one Spielberg.

Joey:No, no, he's like, you know, the next great director. Like after Spielberg.

Ross:So... the second Spielberg?

Joey:Yeah! Exactly!

Monica:Joey, that's just called being a director.

Joey:Okay, so like, 'next' is the person after this one, right? And 'next-next' is the person after that person. It's simple math!

Agent:Do you have a problem with full-frontal nudity?

Joey:No, no, I love it!

Agent:Great, because this role requires it.

Joey:Oh! Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no. I thought you meant in movies. I don't want to do it myself.

Joey:My grandmother's gonna see me naked!

Chandler:Hey, look on the bright side - at least a million people will finally get to see what they've been asking for.

Chandler:I can't believe we're doing this. A no-sex pact? Monica, I'm thrilled! Finally, someone's making it easy for me.

Monica:Do they still make Barbie dolls?

Ross:I... I wouldn't know.

Monica:Oh my God, you guys are planning a surprise shower for me?

Phoebe:Well, we were... but actually, we haven't planned anything yet.

Monica:What do you mean you haven't planned anything?

Phoebe:I mean, we were just talking about planning it. We got as far as deciding to plan it, but then we didn't actually plan it.

Chandler:That's the universal porn excuse!

Joey:And then I slowly remove her dress, and I kiss her neck, and we fall onto the bed together...

Chandler:And then you wake up.

Phoebe:Well, you know, I was born yesterday. Well, not yesterday yesterday, but my birth certificate says I was born in 1967, so technically I'm older than I think I am, which is actually pretty cool when you think about it. But anyway, the point is, yesterday is totally possible. I've been there. Multiple times.

Rachel:I can't do this! The flowers are wrong, the caterer cancelled, and Monica's going to kill me!

Phoebe:Rachel, you need to calm down.

Rachel:I AM calm!

Phoebe:No, you need to be calm. Like, actually calm.

Rachel:Phoebe, I am literally the calmest I have ever been!

Phoebe:That's the problem.

Phoebe:We could do chili!

Rachel:Phoebe, no. This is an elegant shower. We're doing bruschetta and crostini.

Phoebe:But people love chili.

Rachel:Not at a bridal shower, they don't.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! How about a "baby's first lethal injection" theme?

Phoebe:Or we could do something with a tire iron and a bucket of eels!

Phoebe:Wait, wait, I got it. A nice Scandinavian furniture theme!

Chandler:You're shrill!

Monica:Shrill? SHRILL?! Out of all the things you could have said, you picked the one word that actually hurts!

Chandler:What? I wasn't staring. I was just... appreciating the architectural details of her face. Very symmetrical. It's a geometric thing. I'm very into shapes.

Monica:Yeah, you were looking at her breasts, Chandler.

Chandler:I wasn't staring at your aunt. I was just... looking in that direction.

Monica:Chandler, she's married. And she's my aunt. You're in dangerous territory here.

Joey:What?! I didn't get the part?!

Joey:You know what, I don't even want to hear it. I'm out of here!

Joey:*storms toward the door*

Joey:Wait, wait, wait... I knew that the whole time. Yeah, I was just... I was doing a bit. A character choice.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me they cut off the skin? Why would they do that?

Chandler:It's a religious thing, man.

Joey:Oh, okay. So it's like... a hat for your... (gestures) ...your thing?

Ross:No, Joey, it's not a hat.

Joey:Could be! You don't know!

Joey:It's like learning a skill. You know, you can't just undo it.

Chandler:Yeah, it's like if I decided to become ambidextrous. I can't just go back to being right-handed.

Chandler:I could help you out. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Joey:Really?

Chandler:No. But I'm thinking what you need is a full-body exfoliation. You know, get some of that dead skin off. I could use my shower loofah on you.

Joey:Dude, that's disgusting!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You want to use olive loaf? Do you know what's in olive loaf?

Chandler:It's a loaf of meat with olives in it. OLIVES, Joey!

Chandler:I can't even look at you right now.

Chandler:Well, I would, but I'm not sure I have all the right ingredients. I mean, I've got the bread, but I don't know if I can make the meat stay up.

Ross · Cassie:Last time I saw you...you were setting up your tent in line for Return of the Jedi. ...So you did see me that day. Because it seemed like you didn't.

Ross:Why are you looking at me like that?

Cassie:Oh my God, stop doing your Chandler impression!

Ross:I'm not doing a Chandler impression, this is just how I'm standing.

Cassie:You do great impressions. Do me.

Ross:That came out wrong.

Ross:So, uh, how have you been? What's new with you?

Cousin:Oh, you know, same old same old. Just been really busy with work.

Ross:Yeah, yeah, that's... that's great. Very... very interesting.

Cousin:Are you okay? You seem distracted.

Ross:What? No, no, I'm completely focused. Totally engaged in this conversation.

Cousin:You keep staring at my mouth.

Ross:I do? No, I wasn't... I was just... you have some, uh, you have a little... it's nothing.

Ross:I know I'm slow to realize things.

Ross:But I can picture our kids now, sitting in class, their teacher asking 'Who can tell me what year Columbus discovered America?' and they're just staring blankly, and I'm thinking, 'That's my boy.'

Rachel:People who could attend a party on 24 hours notice? Um, unemployed people and people who are cheating on their significant others.

Guest:I was your accountant four years ago.

Monica:Oh my God, yes! I remember you!

Guest:Well, I've been meaning to call you. I'm worried about your current tax situation.

Chandler:So for your fake anatomy, we could use toothpicks and glue.

Joey:Toothpicks and glue? What am I, a kindergarten art project?

Chandler:Well, it's either that or we tell people you're a puppet.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I may have made one for myself.

Joey:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Chandler:What is that?

Joey:It's a prosthetic nose made of toothpicks.

Chandler:Why would they make it out of toothpicks?

Joey:I don't know, but it hurts!

Chandler:Well, try this one.

Joey:What is it?

Chandler:It's a Fruit Roll-up.

Joey:A Fruit Roll-up? Why would they... Oh my God, this is delicious!

Ross:Okay, okay, she's just a student. She's off-limits. I'm a professor, I have boundaries. I can do this. Just think of her as... a file. A very attractive file with great legs and...

Ross:No! No, stop it! This isn't working.

Ross:She's flirting with me! Did you see how she touched my arm? That's a classic flirting move.

Monica:Ross, she touches everyone's arm.

Ross:Not like that she doesn't. And did you hear what she said? She said I have 'interesting' taste in movies.

Chandler:What's wrong with your taste in movies?

Ross:Nothing! She was complimenting me. I just showed her my favorite movie - 'Anaconda.'

Joey:Anaconda? That's the sexiest movie ever made.

Ross:Well, I've thought about this very carefully, weighed all the pros and cons, and I've decided... no, wait, I've already decided. I'm committed now. It's like the military—once you're in, you're in. There's no backing out. Even if it's a terrible idea, even if I realize five minutes later it was stupid, I have to see it through because I've already told people about it.

Ross:I was trying to think of something romantic to say, but then I realized I'd been standing here in complete silence for like three minutes, and now it's too late to say anything because whatever I say will sound like I'm breaking an awkward silence, which I am.

Ross:So... did you see the thing about the new dinosaur discovery? They found fossilized remains that suggest they may have had better social skills than me.

Ross:Which is... which is really saying something.

Rachel:Monica, I am so sorry about the shower. I didn't mean to flood the bathroom.

Monica:Rachel, it's fine. Although, I'm not sure how you managed to break the curtain rod AND clog the drain at the same time.

Rachel:I know, I know. And then I tried to fix it myself, which apparently made it worse.

Monica:You used a plunger on the rod, didn't you?

Rachel:How did you—

Monica:Well, look on the bright side—at least now I don't have to pretend to like your girlfriend!

Joey:So what are we doing here?

Doctor:Just a routine physical examination, Mr. Tribbiani.

Joey:Oh great, I've been working out. You're gonna love this.

Doctor:Just relax and we'll start with some basic tests.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I'm ready. I've been doing my sit-ups. How many do you want me to do?

Joey:What? No, no, no. This isn't what it looks like. I was just... I was just checking to make sure it was on straight.

Ross:Wait, Cassie? Cassie... Oh my God!

Ross:You're... you're that girl from high school!

Ross:I can't believe it's you! You look amazing!

Ross:So, um, are you... are you seeing anyone?