The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin

Practicing blowing you off. I'm gonna be a big movie star!

The director's supposed to be the next-next Martin Scorsese.

A guy from Chicago's supposed to be the next Martin Scorsese. This guy's right after him.

Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it!

My grandmother's gonna see this. - Grandma's gonna have to get in line.

I have one of those with every woman in America.

I wonder if she still carries a Barbie everywhere? - She's 25 years old. - So? I still... You're probably right.

Oh, my God. We have to throw her a shower?

That's what you say about porn.

Plus, everyone is gonna see your thing.

Well, if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo, we're done.

Just calm down, woman! ...Phoebe, I already did. ...All right, then I need to calm down.

And chili. - Ah, you went one too far.

Lusts of the Flesh. ...I don't know. Cowboy theme?

What do you think, bossy and domineering? ...The wedding's off, sloppy and immature. ...Get rid of her, obsessive and shrill! ...Shrill? The wedding is back on.

I wasn't staring. I was listening intently. It's called being a good conversationalist.

You were staring about eight inches south of there.

So this Aunt Marilyn, is she coming to the wedding? ...Wafer-thin ice.

You made a bad decision and ruined your movie. Good day!

And scene. ...Huh? Wasn't that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah!

Bar mitzvah-ed?

This is not like learning to ride a horse. This is like learning to...grow a turtleneck.

I'm thinking...double-sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.

Olive loaf? I hope that won't work.

No, it's, um, more like a wrap.

Last time I saw you...you were setting up your tent in line for Return of the Jedi. ...So you did see me that day. Because it seemed like you didn't.

Oh, my God! You do a great Chandler!

Well, maybe after we get re-acquainted, uh, you could do me. Yeah. No!

Cassie, how you...? How you doing on that...hot dog?

It took you that long to figure it out, huh? ...Um, I'm a little slow. ...Just as our children would be.

There's a word for people like that: Losers.

I'm interested to find out who's been doing her taxes the last four years.

Okay, this one's a mushroom cap. Uh, this one is made of bologna. ...And... And the toothpicks? ...Just until the glue dries.

I also did a little something in fur, but, uh, that's really just for me.

Ow. ...Toothpick? Yeah. ...What are you trying now? The Fruit Roll-up. ...And? Delicious.

She's your cousin. She's your cousin.

She was the one that wanted to rent Logan's Run...the sexiest movie ever.

I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I'm going in.

Oh, my God, this is the longest...that anyone has not talked ever!

I haven't had sex in a very long time. ...Yeah, you really shouldn't have said anything.

First, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower. Then, forgetting to invite you to it.

Now I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love. I get all those presents without talking to people I don't even like!

I totally understand you need to...make sure I don't have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don't you worry. I have nothing to hide.

I tell you, that has never happened before.

What? Say something. Say anything. Ask her out! She's not your cousin!