The One With Rachels Big Kiss

Chandler:Monica.

Unknown:Probably Monica and Chandler.

Rachel:Oh my God, is that... Jessica Lockwood from high school?

Rachel:She's walking this way. Okay, okay, I can do this. Just smile and wave.

Rachel:Wait, did we actually like each other back then or just... exist in the same hallway?

Rachel:How much small talk energy do I have left today? I already used it on the barista.

Rachel:She's getting closer. Do I hug? Do I do the awkward half-wave? Why is this so hard?

Overly familiar sorority-style nickname

Melissa:I've been keeping track of everyone who hasn't responded to my newsletter.

Melissa:Rachel - opened it twice, clicked zero links. Monica - marked as spam after issue three. Chandler - unsubscribed, then resubscribed, then unsubscribed again in the same week.

Rachel:I got the job at Ralph Lauren!

Monica:Shut up!

Rachel:I'm serious!

Monica:Shut up!

Rachel:They offered me the position!

Monica:Shut up!

Pushy declaration rather than invitation

Rachel:I really want to help people and make a difference in the world.

Rachel:I'm a party planner.

Rachel:Hey Phi Phi!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. What were you gonna say about Rachel and Melissa? Come on, don't leave me hanging!

Joey:Seriously, you can't just cut off like that. What happened between them?

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm begging you. Just tell me. Please?

Monica:I cannot believe you two went to summer camp together and never told me this! Do you understand what this means? You're basically sisters. No, you're better than sisters. You're camp sisters. And camp sisters are forever. This changes everything. Everything!

Ross:Wait, wait. Rachel kissed a woman?

Chandler:Yeah, her name was Melissa.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God! Emily kissed a woman!

Ross:Carol kissed a woman!

Monica:Okay, Rachel, you're sitting at table seven.

Rachel:Oh my God, who else is at table seven?

Monica:Um, some cousins, Uncle Frank, and that guy Derek from my yoga class.

Rachel:Derek? Derek with the amazing arms? Oh my God, Monica, I'm going to be so charming. I'm gonna flip my hair, I'm gonna laugh at all his jokes, even the stupid ones. He's gonna think I'm so cool and sophisticated, and then maybe he'll ask me to dance, and then we'll fall in love, get married, and have beautiful babies named Derek Jr. and Little Bella!

Monica:Rachel, he's gay.

Rachel:Oh.

Monica:Hey, it's okay. A lot of people couldn't make it. It doesn't mean anything.

Monica:I mean, look at it this way — you're marrying me. That's what matters.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:No, not really. You have no friends.

Rachel:What? I'm not... I didn't... Ross!

Ross:What?

Rachel:Stop doing that!

Ross:Doing what?

Rachel:That! With your eyes! You're doing it right now!

Joey:Where are my parents going to sit?

Monica:Oh, well, they're not invited.

Joey:Hey, parents always show up for their kids' big moments!

Monica:Joey... we're siblings. We have the same parents.

Joey:Oh.

Joey:We should invite my parents over for dinner!

Monica:Joey, your mom makes that amazing lasagna, doesn't she?

Joey:Yeah, the best!

Monica:So that's what this is about.

Ross:Well, maybe you could sit at the bar.

Rachel:At the bar? Why would I sit at the bar?

Ross:I don't know, you could have a Cosmopolitan... the drink, not the magazine.

Rachel:You're trying to steal me for your guest count!

Chandler:I'm not stealing you. I'm just saying it would be really great if you came.

Rachel:Chandler, you have a plus-one. Use it.

Chandler:I know, but you're way more fun than a plus-one.

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! What's with all the excitement? Did they finally cancel Baywatch?

Ross:No, I got invited to walk the red carpet at the Golden Globes!

Chandler:The Golden Globes? That's great! Now you can stand next to beautiful women and feel bad about yourself in person instead of just on TV.

Rachel:Ross, you have to know who Paul O'Neill is. He's only like the greatest right fielder in baseball history.

Chandler:Yeah, maybe you should watch ESPN or something.

Rachel:Chandler's right. You really should.

Ross:I'm wearing Pierce Brosnan's tux? Oh my God, oh my God! I'm James Bond. I'm actually James Bond.

Ross:The name's Geller. Ross Geller.

Ross:I have a license to kill... And I'm going to use it.

Ross:Shaken, not stirred. That's what I always say. Except I've never been shaken or stirred. But now I will be.

Ross:I drive an Aston Martin. I have a tiny jet-pack. Women throw themselves at me.

Ross:I'm sophisticated. I'm worldly. I'm... I'm everything I've ever wanted to be.

Ross:I'm like James Bond. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Rachel:You need to ask me first.

Ross:Right. Can I do whatever I want, whenever I want?

Rachel:No.

Rachel:Phoebe, what are you wearing to the wedding?

Phoebe:Oh, I'm wearing my grandmother's wedding dress. Well, half of it anyway. The other half is a lovely piece of a shower curtain I found.

Joey:Can I come to your dinner?

Rachel:Joey, no. It's just going to be me and my girlfriend.

Joey:Oh come on, I promise I'll be good. I just want to meet her.

Rachel:Joey, the last time you said that, you tried to hide a camera in the centerpiece.

Joey:That was one time! And in my defense, I was going to donate the footage to science.

Rachel:I kissed her!

Phoebe:No, you didn't.

Rachel:Yes, I did!

Phoebe:When?

Rachel:At Carol's birthday party!

Phoebe:I was at Carol's birthday party, and I did not see that.

Phoebe:Oh, that sounds nice. But in my experience, that's just what people say when they've been making out for like twenty minutes and they need to come up for air.

Phoebe:I just don't believe you, Rachel. You've never done anything wild in your entire life.

Rachel:What? That's not true! I have done wild things!

Phoebe:Name one.

Rachel:I... well, there was that time in Cancun...

Phoebe:You went to Cancun with your parents.

Rachel:Okay, fine. But please, Phoebe, you have to let me have this one thing. This is my one wild story. Don't take it away from me!

Rachel:It did happen! We kissed!

Phoebe:Okay, okay. So if you kissed, then you must be married. That's how it works.

Rachel:What? No, that's not—

Phoebe:No, I'm serious. Kiss equals marriage. It's science.

Rachel:I'm not vanilla! I did something crazy once. I married my ex-husband.

Joey:Hey, I can picture it.

Chandler:Guess what I got!

Monica:Oh my God, a girlfriend? That's amazing! Wait, no... a gym membership? No, that's not it either. Oh! I know! You finally got rid of that awful bracelet!

Chandler:No, no, no...

Monica:Well, whatever it is, it's probably going to disappoint me less than your last three relationships.

Chandler:Could I BE any more Batman? I mean, I'm dark, I'm mysterious, I work alone...

Joey:What movie is that from?

Chandler:I have no idea.

Chandler:I promise to love you, to cherish you, to be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part.

Ross:I... uh... yeah... I mean... could I BE any more... married?

Ross:Chandler, please, I'm begging you. I need the Batman tuxedo for my date.

Chandler:Ross, that's the least manly thing I've ever heard. You're literally begging for a Batman costume.

Chandler:I can't believe you did that.

Ross:Oh come on, at least I'm not running around like James Bond with a different woman every week.

Chandler:Hey, that was a phase!

Ross:A phase? Chandler, that was like twelve years.

Monica:Your feelings aren't wrong. You're not wanted here.

Monica:Your mother hasn't sent lasagnas in weeks.

Joey:Yeah, well, maybe she's busy.

Monica:Joey, she sends them every week. What happened to them?

Joey:I don't know what you're talking about.

Monica:Joey!

Joey:Okay, okay... they were just so good, and they were sitting there...

Joey:It's not my fault! The postal service lost it.

Chandler:Joey, you didn't even mail it.

Joey:Well, maybe if the postal service wasn't run by... you know... *those people*...

Monica:Joey!

Joey:What? I'm just saying... actually, no, wait. My mailman is great. Never mind.

Monica:I can't believe how slow the postal service is. I mailed that package two weeks ago and it still hasn't arrived!

Joey:Yeah, those postal workers are all lazy.

Monica:You know what? You're right. Those postal workers ARE all lazy!

Phoebe:Oh, I was in a sorority. Delta Nu Theta.

Monica:That doesn't sound right.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, they were very selective. You had to have done it with at least two teachers.

Phoebe:My sorority sisters and I used to go to this bar, but then there was this incident with the fire and the peacock, and we all had to change our identities. That's why I'm Phoebe now. My real name is Regina Phalange.

Phoebe:My grandmother actually died of alcohol poisoning.

Melissa:Cool!

Rachel:Melissa, remember when we went to that coffee place?

Melissa:Um, no?

Rachel:You know, the one with the chairs? And the... coffee?

Melissa:I'm sorry, I don't remember.

Rachel:How could you forget? You were wearing that blue sweater. Well, it might have been purple. And you ordered that drink with the foam on top that looked like a little hat?

Melissa:Rachel, I don't think—

Rachel:And the barista! He had that one eye that was slightly higher than the other eye. And he kept humming that song. You know the one. It went dun-dun-dun-dun-dun?

Rachel:I remember it exactly like this...

Melissa:That's not what happened at all.

Rachel:Yes it was!

Melissa:No, it wasn't.

Monica:Yeah, and I'm Wonder Woman. I just don't tell anyone.

Chandler:James Bond gets all the ladies. Batman? Not so much.

Chandler:I mean, think about it. Bond has Pussy Galore, Vesper Lynd... Batman's got Robin.

Monica:We have a martini, shaken not stirred, just like James Bond.

Ross:Do you have chocolate milk?

Joey:This is gonna be the best show!

Monica:Joey, it's a wedding, not a show.

Joey:Right, right... the best wedding show!

Joey:I can't do Tuesday. I've got an audition.

Joey:Wednesday I'm on stand-by for a callback.

Joey:Thursday there's a table read.

Joey:And Friday... I'm between projects.

Joey:I'm a professional officiant. I've married... like, a lot of people. I'm basically a marriager.

Rachel:How can I not remember kissing him?

Monica:Well, you were pretty drunk.

Rachel:I wasn't THAT drunk!

Chandler:Rachel, you threw up in my shoe.

Rachel:He was very tall, and he had this really nice smile, and these blue eyes...

Phoebe:Oh, that sounds like Joey!

Rachel:You know what? Fine. Maybe it didn't happen. But if it did, that would be sexual assault, and you'd be going to jail.

Chandler:Why are you carrying that invitation around?

Ross:Because I'm going to give it to someone.

Chandler:Well, that narrows it down to like, what, three people?

Ross:Hey!

Chandler:Could those pants BE any tighter?

Ross:I'm Batman.

Ross:This jacket is really uncomfortable.

Ross:I'm... actually quite warm and cozy.

Chandler:I can't believe I'm wearing a tux from a blind guy movie. Although, I guess that explains the superpowers I've been developing.

Monica:What superpowers?

Chandler:The ability to make any woman lose her sight... when she looks at me.

Monica:Fine! You know what? I don't care anymore. You want to get married in a sewage treatment plant? Go ahead!

Monica:You want Chandler to wear a dress? I don't care!

Monica:You want to have Janice as a bridesmaid? Fine!

Joey:Check it out! I'm an ordained minister now. I can perform weddings!

Joey:And look — it's reversible! *flips jacket inside out* Now I'm ready to party!

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait! You can't just leave! That's like, the only interesting thing that's ever happened to me!

Rachel:I'm not even mad about the kiss anymore, I just need you to admit it happened so I have something to tell people!

Melissa:Oh, my God. You love me.

Rachel:I kissed you?

Phoebe:It was very romantic.

Rachel:I don't remember that at all.

Phoebe:Well, I do. And then we slow danced by the window, and you said you'd never felt this way before, and then we went to Paris.

Rachel:Well, I kissed him and it was amazing. That proves I love him.

Melissa:No, it doesn't.

Melissa:I don't picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.

Phoebe:Ehhh. You're like a B+.

Rachel:A B+?!

Chandler:I finally found a tux that fits!

Monica:Really? How many stores did you have to go to?

Chandler:Oh, you know, just the usual... forty-seven.

Joey:Forty-seven?!

Chandler:Well, I had to be thorough. I checked the return policies at all of them, tried on every tux in my size, and then I realized I was in the children's section for the first thirty.

Rachel:Wow, Chandler, you look amazing! Where did you get that tuxedo?

Chandler:Oh, thanks! I rented it from this place downtown.

Rachel:Well, it fits you perfectly. You look so sophisticated!

Chandler:Yeah, well, there's just one thing...

Rachel:What?

Chandler:It's Oprah's.