The One With The Vows

Chandler:We're getting married!

Monica:Yes, we are.

Chandler:WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

Monica:And apparently the further away the wedding is, the louder you have to yell about it.

Monica:Have you written your vows yet?

Chandler:I'd like to buy a vowel.

Monica:I have no sense of humor about my wedding.

Monica:I'm writing my vows and I can't stop! I've already filled three pages!

Chandler:Three pages? Monica, vows aren't a hostage negotiation. How long are you planning to make yours?

Monica:I don't know, as long as it takes to express how I feel.

Chandler:Well, I'm on page four. So I win.

Chandler:What's wrong with me?

Chandler:No, no, no. Don't go there.

Chandler:Monica, there are no words...

Chandler:Well, actually, there are words. A lot of words. But none of them are appropriate.

Chandler:What did you say in your vows?

Ross:I promised to love her forever, to be faithful, to support her dreams...

Chandler:And what did Carol say?

Ross:She said 'I do' and then six months later 'I'm leaving you for a woman.'

Phoebe:Is that the dress? Because it looks like you drew a uterus.

Monica:That is not a uterus!

Phoebe:Oh, okay. Well, then where's the neck?

Ross:Monica, this is my friend Chandler. Chandler, this is my sister Monica.

Chandler:Hi Monica. So, uh, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Monica:So there are all these erogenous zones on a woman's body.

Chandler:Wait, wait. You're telling me there are erogenous zones I don't know about?

Monica:Yes! Like the small of the back, behind the ears, the inside of the wrist...

Chandler:The inside of the wrist? What am I supposed to do, lick it like a stamp?

Monica:Well, there's your problem.

Monica:Okay, so you start here, very lightly...

Monica:Then you move to here, a little bit harder...

Monica:And then you can really go to town right... here.

Monica:Seven! Seven! Seven!

Monica:Oh my God, twins! Look at them, they're so perfect. One for me, one for Chandler.

Rachel:Monica, you can't just claim babies in the park.

Monica:Why not? Nobody else is doing anything with them right now.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that you don't want to have babies with me?

Chandler:No, no, no! I'm just saying hypothetically, if we were both still single at 40—

Monica:Oh my God. Oh my God! So you DO think about us not being together! What is it? Is it my hair? Do you not find me attractive anymore?

Monica:Is there something un-marriable about me?

Chandler:What? No! Of course not. You're very marriable. I mean, if I wasn't... you know, married to you, I would totally want to marry you.

Chandler:Although, I gotta say, skydiving without a parachute? Now that's un-marriable.

Monica:What did you say?

Chandler:I said... 'I love you too'

Monica:No you didn't!

Chandler:I said it in my head!

Monica:Did you or did you not say 'I love you'?

Chandler:I don't know what you're talking about.

Monica:Chandler...

Chandler:I didn't say it.

Monica:You totally said it!

Chandler:Nuh-uh.

Monica:Yuh-huh!

Chandler:Nuh-uh!

Monica:Yuh-huh!

Chandler:So, hypothetically, if two people were living in the same apartment, and they really liked each other, that would be... okay, right? I mean, not that I'm suggesting anything. I'm just saying, in theory, if someone wanted to ask someone else if they wanted to, you know, cohabitate in a non-roommate way, how would that person go about doing that without completely freaking out the other person?

Monica:Chandler, are you asking me to move in with you?

Chandler:Well, I was asking in a very roundabout, complicated way that made it seem like I didn't know what I was talking about. If you'd just let me continue, I could have confused you for another twenty minutes or so.

Monica:I want to propose to Chandler, but what if he thinks it's weird that I'm asking him? What if he wants to be the one to propose?

Monica:I mean, it's 2003, but apparently some traditions die hard.

Joey:What? I don't get it. What's wrong with that?

Rachel:How's Monica doing with her vows?

Ross:Oh, she's doing great. Joey's been helping her out.

Rachel:That's nice.

Ross:Yeah, well, she's got some really beautiful stuff written down, but apparently Joey's been giving her some suggestions too. She asked me what I thought and I told her, 'Monica, that's beautiful, but maybe lose the part where you talk about how you're gonna bang Chandler like a screen door in a hurricane.'

Phoebe:So Monica and Chandler are getting married! That's so exciting!

Ross:I know, right? I'm really happy for them.

Phoebe:Yeah... So when are you getting married again?

Rachel:Someone kept asking about chicken.

Ross:Chicken? Joe! JOE!

Chandler:I'll just tell Rachel I'm doing laundry.

Monica:Doing laundry? That's what you're calling it?

Monica:Mr. Big? That's not a nickname, that's a sex thing!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I knew it! I knew it!

Monica:Phoebe, what are you—

Phoebe:You and Chandler! Oh my God!

Chandler:Okay, okay, so you know.

Phoebe:How long has this been going on?

Monica:A few months, we were going to tell everyone—

Phoebe:Oh, everyone knows! Rachel knows, Joey knows, Ross knows, even Ben knows!

Chandler:Ben's seven!

Phoebe:Yeah, and he figured it out before you two told anyone.

Rachel:Oh, you want to tell them we know? Okay, fine. But then I get to tell Monica that I saw her trying on wedding dresses, and I get to tell Chandler that he cried during 'The Notebook,' and I get to tell both of them that sometimes at night I can hear them through the wall, and it sounds like—

Monica:Wait, you guys know? And you're messing with us?

Monica:That's... that's role reversal! I'm being Chandler!

Phoebe:Okay, so Monica and Chandler are together, and Ross doesn't know that Rachel knows that Joey knows that Monica told Phoebe that Chandler... wait, no. Rachel told Joey that Monica told Chandler that Ross knows that... um... okay, I have no idea what's going on anymore.

Joey:I can't say anything about this.

Joey:Besides, I have no idea what's going on anyway.

Phoebe:Hey Chandler, I'm gonna seduce you now. So you should probably get ready for that.

Chandler:Okay...

Phoebe:I'm gonna start by batting my eyelashes. This is me batting my eyelashes.

Chandler:I can see that.

Phoebe:Now I'm gonna touch your arm. Okay, I'm touching your arm. How's that?

Chandler:It's... it's good.

Phoebe:Now I'm gonna lean in and whisper something sexy in your ear. The thing I'm about to whisper is... 'I want you.' Okay, here I go.

Phoebe:I'm very bendy.

Phoebe:Okay, I can't do this anymore.

Phoebe:You win. I'm not strong enough.

Chandler:I love you. I love you. I love you!

Phoebe:Oh my God, Monica and Chandler? But they're so... Monica and Chandler. Wait, have they... you know?

Rachel:Yeah, they slept together.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, that's not love, that's just sex.

Joey:No, Pheebs, they're in love.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, why didn't you say so?

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here?

Monica:Ross, we can explain...

Ross:Chandler?! My best friend? My sister?!

Chandler:We were just—

Ross:I don't want to hear it! Monica, you're my little sister. And Chandler, you're like a brother to me. This is... this is weird!

Joey:Wait, wait. You're moving near a Volvo dealership? Why would you move near a Volvo dealership?

Monica:We're not moving TO the dealership, Joey. We're moving to a house that happens to be near one.

Joey:Oh. Oh! I thought you guys were like, moving into the showroom or something.

Ross:In my defense, I was going through a very experimental phase.

Ross:Why do I keep ending up naked in these photos?

Chandler:Because you have no sense of self-awareness?

Ross:That's not helpful, Chandler.

Monica:Maybe you should just skip the vows and go straight to the kiss.

Joey:Dude, how did you write those vows? They were incredible!

Chandler:Well, actually... I didn't write them. I kind of... borrowed them from Monica's vows.

Joey:You plagiarized your wife's vows?!

Chandler:In my defense, they were really good, and I panicked!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Why can't he just switch a couple words around? You know, like, 'I, Chandler, take you, Monica' instead of 'I, Monica, take you, Chandler.' Problem solved!

Joey:What? I'm just saying, nobody's gonna notice if you read 'em in a different order!