The One With Chandlers Dad

Monica:Only I can drive the Porsche.

Rachel:Really? Because I saw Ross driving it yesterday.

Monica:That's different.

Rachel:How is that different?

Monica:Because... he's my brother!

Monica:Ross is a very careful driver.

Chandler:Monica, he drove us to the airport last week. We got there three days early.

Monica:He likes to be safe!

Ross:There's nothing wrong with defensive driving. I follow all the rules of the road.

Joey:Yeah, the speed limit from 1952.

Ross:Monica treats that car like it's made of glass.

Monica:I do not! It's just a car.

Ross:Oh yeah? Then why are you always—

Monica:And make sure you use the soft cloth when you wipe it down. Not the regular cloth. And check the tire pressure every week. And don't park it in direct sunlight, it fades the paint. And—

Ross:See?

Rachel:You let Joey drive your car?

Joey:No, no, no! I didn't— we didn't— that was one time!

Rachel:One time is enough!

Joey:It was just around the block!

Joey:I never drive it.

Joey:Okay, I drive it sometimes.

Joey:Alright, I drive it a lot.

Joey:Fine, I basically live in it.

Monica:Well, that went great.

Monica:I can fix this.

Monica:I just realized I never told you guys—I think I'm infertile.

Monica:I don't only talk about weddings! I talk about lots of things.

Monica:Like how terrible your hair looks today.

Monica:And I didn't even mention your wedding once!

Monica:I'll take you around the block.

Rachel:Oh great, I'll pack a lunch.

Joey:Whoa! That was amazing! What a rush!

Ross:Yeah, that was pretty wild.

Joey:I'm telling you, that was the best ride of my life!

Ross:Fast and irresponsible makes a bad driver.

Rachel:Well, fast and irresponsible made me head cheerleader.

Joey:She was totally into me. Did you see the way she was staring?

Ross:Joey, she wasn't staring at you. She was staring at your hair.

Joey:My hair? What's wrong with my hair?

Ross:It looks like you got in a fight with a wind tunnel. And the wind tunnel won.

Joey:I need to fix my hair, come on, give me the keys!

Ross:No way, I'm using the bathroom first.

Joey:Ross, please, I have an audition in twenty minutes!

Ross:So? I need to shower.

Joey:Fine, fine, I'll use the kitchen sink.

Joey:Okay, that's not working. I'll use the bathroom mirror without closing the door.

Joey:Ross! Ross, move! I can work around you!

Ross:Joey, get out!

Joey:Last resort—is that a comb on the bathroom floor? Don't ask me where it's been.

Chandler:Divorce papers.

Monica:Why haven't we heard from your dad?

Chandler:I didn't invite him.

Chandler:We don't really run in the same circles.

Chandler:I mean, my dad performs drag in Las Vegas.

Monica:We're switching social circles.

Monica:Chandler, your father has to be at the wedding.

Chandler:Monica, have you seen my father? He'll show up in a sequined gown, do the cha-cha down the aisle, and by the time we cut the cake, nobody will even remember you were the bride.

Monica:He's your father!

Chandler:Exactly. And he'll be fabulous. But you won't be.

Monica:I don't care if your dad shows up in a wedding dress. As long as he doesn't touch my flowers, my dress, or my hair, we're fine.

Chandler:Well, maybe I should just buy him a white dress. That'll keep him away.

Monica:Rachel, give me the keys!

Rachel:No! I'm a great driver!

Monica:You hit a parked car last week!

Rachel:It was barely moving!

Monica:It was parked!

Monica:Rachel, please get out of the car!

Monica:I'll give you fifty dollars.

Rachel:Fifty dollars? Monica, what is going on?

Monica:A hundred dollars! Just get out!

Rachel:Get in if you're so worried.

Monica:I can't! What if there's a spider?

Rachel:There's no spider in there.

Monica:You don't know that! There could be a huge one just waiting to bite me!

Rachel:Get in the front seat.

Monica:The death seat? No way! I've seen you drive!

Ross:I mean, at some point you have to come up for air, right?

Ross:So, uh, how long have you been dating this guy?

Phoebe:About a month.

Ross:A month? And, um... what's his name?

Phoebe:I don't know.

Ross:So Jake, want to go to the Knicks game Tuesday night?

Jake:Tuesday? Um, let me check my schedule.

Phoebe:Oh, he'll be busy Tuesday.

Jake:How did you—

Phoebe:I just know these things.

Chandler:We could just elope. Avoid all this stress.

Monica:Elope? Are you crazy? I want this wedding to be bigger! Bigger than anyone's ever seen!

Chandler:I won the argument about Vegas!

Monica:No, you didn't. And just so you know, now that we're married, you're going to lose every argument for the rest of your life.

Chandler:I'm okay with that.

Monica:All kids are embarrassed by their parents.

Chandler:Yeah, well, mine had an affair and got divorced in front of me.

Chandler:My dad used to go to my swim meets dressed up in drag as famous actresses. I mean, here I am, trying to do a backstroke, and in the stands is Katharine Hepburn.

Chandler:I was 14 at swim meets. I looked like a dolphin that had been hit by a truck. I had this one-piece swimsuit that was like three sizes too big, and I'd be standing there in the shallow end looking like I was waiting for someone to come pick me up.

Chandler:My dad dressed up as a Hollywood starlet for the holidays. He showed up in this ridiculous fruit costume.

Monica:A fruit costume? Which fruit?

Chandler:A banana. He said it was 'iconic' and 'slimming.' By the end of the night, he'd eaten so much he became an actual snack.

Chandler:My father was a Chippendales dancer.

Monica:That's not embarrassing, that's actually kind of impressive. He was really dedicated to his craft.

Monica:Your dad was great.

Chandler:My dad was a drag queen.

Monica:I know.

Chandler:He was ALSO a woman!

Monica:You won't win arguments anymore.

Chandler:Well, I never won before either.

Ross:Yeah, I was at the gym and I saw Jake in the locker room, and he was changing, and I couldn't help but notice he was wearing women's underwear.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You were looking at Jake's underwear?

Ross:I wasn't looking! It was just... there!

Monica:So Jake wears women's underwear?

Ross:Yeah, and they were really nice! Very soft!

Ross:Wait, what? Jake is wearing women's underwear?

Phoebe:Yeah, they're mine.

Phoebe:Oh, come on! It's just a little thing couples do to keep things fun and exciting in the bedroom.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not a little thing.

Phoebe:Well, maybe you guys aren't doing it right.

Phoebe:Yeah, we share underwear. It's not a big deal.

Monica:Wait, what? You wear my underwear?

Phoebe:Well, yeah. And you wear mine.

Monica:I do not wear your underwear!

Phoebe:Oh, come on. You totally do. And honestly? I find it really attractive.

Monica:That's... that's not attractive, Phoebe. That's just weird.

Monica:You share underwear?

Phoebe:Well, yeah! Why waste an extra pair when you can just turn them inside out?

Monica:Oh my God.

Phoebe:Plus, the fly is really useful.

Phoebe:There's nothing wrong with a man wearing women's underwear. It's comfortable!

Ross:Okay, well, what if I started wearing a bra?

Phoebe:Yeah, so?

Ross:So?! Pheebs, that's — that's a bra!

Phoebe:Oh, you're questioning HIS masculinity? Have you SEEN you in a leather jacket?

Phoebe:You looked like a cast member from Grease who gave up.

Phoebe:Jake is very masculine.

Phoebe:I picture him as a lumberjack in pink lace underwear.

Phoebe:You want to prove you're a man? Wear women's underwear for a week.

Ross:That doesn't prove I'm a man, Phoebe. That proves I'm insane.

Phoebe:Exactly. That's what I said.

Ross:Points to his porn collection as evidence

Rachel:My license expired last month.

Monica:What? You've been driving without a license?

Rachel:I know, I know, I need to go to the DMV.

Monica:Rachel! That's illegal! Oh my God, oh my God. What if you get pulled over? You could get arrested! We could all get arrested! I'm involved now!

Monica:You can't be horsing around while you're driving!

Rachel:Oh come on, Monica. I was just having a little fun. Besides, I'm a really good driver.

Monica:Rachel, you almost hit a mailbox!

Rachel:Well, that's what I get for driving a Ford. I guess you could say I'm not Focused enough!

Monica:It's okay, it's okay. You're going to be fine. Just breathe. In and out.

Rachel:Monica?

Monica:Not now, Rachel! I'm talking to myself!

Chandler:I'm not uncomfortable because you're a... because of what you are. I'm uncomfortable because I keep calling you 'sir' and I feel like a jerk.

Waitress:Oh honey, don't worry about it. A lot of straight guys have trouble with pronouns.

Chandler:My dad keeps trying to reconnect with me. He's like, 'We should bond, we should get to know each other.' And I'm thinking, 'Dude, you had 30 years!'

Chandler:I'm not falling for it. Besides, we don't have anything in common. I mean, the guy's a Las Vegas lounge singer who likes to dress up in women's clothes. And I'm just... well, I'm quirky.

Chandler:Oh my God. Dad?

Rachel:Officer, I have to say, you are looking very official today.

Officer:Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Rachel:Was it because you wanted to give me a ticket... to the gun show?

Rachel:I may have had a dream about this.

Rachel:You know, you're really handsome.

Officer:Thank you.

Rachel:I'm Rachel. What's your name?

Officer:It's Officer... Handsome.

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Officer:This is a great photo.

Rachel:Oh, thank you. Yeah, I just woke up like this.

Rachel:Look at this photo of me - I'm naturally beautiful without any makeup or filters.

Monica:Rachel, that photo is from 1994.

Rachel:So?

Monica:So? It's 2004. That's a decade old.

Officer:So what's your sign?

Rachel:Capricorn.

Officer:Oh, I knew that. Definitely got Capricorn vibes from you.

Rachel:You literally just guessed Gemini, Libra, and Sagittarius.

Officer:Yeah, well, I was working my way there. Capricorn—classic. I pegged you for that immediately.

Officer:Do you know how to operate a manual transmission?

Monica:Oh, I can do that! I'm very good with my hands!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Is that... Mr. Garibaldi?

Chandler:Oh my God, it IS him! The guy from my story!

Monica:Oh yeah, that's great, nobody's ever gonna recognize you now.

Helena:Where are you from?

Audience Member:Bakersfield.

Helena:I'm sorry, what?

Audience Member:Bakersfield.

Helena:No, I heard you. I just feel really bad for you.

Helena:Oh, a standing ovation! Thank you so much!

Chandler:Could I get a... um... what can I get for you... I mean, what can you get for me? I'll have the chicken.

Drag Queen Server:Honey, you're killing me.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ross! You're a man's man!

Ross:I mean, they're just so comfortable! The way they fit, the breathability of the fabric...

Chandler:Okay, we're gonna stop you right there.

Ross:What? I'm just saying Monica's recommendation for that brand was actually really thoughtful.

Ross:Actually, I've been doing some research on women's underwear construction and fabric composition.

Chandler:Ross, why are you—

Ross:Did you know that the difference between a demi-cup and a full-cup bra is actually quite significant? Or that moisture-wicking fabrics in underwear can prevent—

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, stop.

Ross:What? I'm just saying, there's a whole world of textile engineering that goes into intimate apparel that most people never appreciate.

Helena:Your parents sound like quite a pair. Your father's a drag queen?

Chandler:Yeah, they're a real hoot. A real laugh riot.

Chandler:My mother's an erotic novelist and my father wears a dress. I'm not someone who does well with the unexpected.

Helena:I don't like New York.

Helena:But I do like Queens - the borough and the drag queens.

Helena:So, you're bald.

Chandler:Dad, I'd like you to come to my wedding.

Helena:Oh, Chandler, yes! Of course I'll be there!

Helena:I'm crying so hard, it's like a chemical peel!

Helena reveals childhood connection to the performance

Rachel:Who are you introducing me to?

Ross:Well, I was thinking you should meet... a gear in the transmission.

Rachel:What?

Ross:You know, from my car. I think you two would really get along.

Ross:Why are we being pulled over again?

Ross:Maybe I just need to take a defensive driving course or something.

Ross:Officer, I can explain. I'm a paleontologist. I was just trying to show her my... fossils.

Officer:Sir, that's the third time this week.

Ross:Well, you know what they say — I'm a Capricorn, we're very persistent.

Ross:They weren't going more than 60

Officer:Actually, they were going 37

Ross:37? That's too slow!

Ross:We were going 37 miles per hour?

Rachel:Hi officer, didn't we meet at that coffee place?

Officer:I don't think so, ma'am.

Rachel:Oh my God, you're not... you're a different officer!

Rachel:I am so sorry, I thought you were someone else!

Rachel:Hey there, handsome.

Officer:It's Officer.

Rachel:Okay, Officer Handsome.

Officer:No, it's just Officer. My name is Bill.

Rachel:Okay, Officer Bill.

Ross:I'm not insecure about my masculinity.

Ross:I wore lingerie once for a scene, and now I need to tell everyone I'm dating a woman and we're having lots of sex.

Woman:You look so familiar. Have I seen you on TV?

Joey:Oh yeah, all the time! I'm on Days of Our Lives. I play Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Woman:No, that's not it.

Joey:Well, I've also done a bunch of commercials. Got a great one coming up for a hemorrhoid cream.