The One with Chandler's Dad

Ross drives it? When I ask, you say you're the only one allowed to.

He's my brother, plus he drives so slow he couldn't hurt it.

It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship. Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.

You let Joey drive it? - I've never driven it. Not once.

Okay, once. Okay, I drive it all the time.

So much for the 'you-can-drive-it but-don't-tell-Rachel' plan.

I can fix this. Monica, Rachel thinks all you talk about is the wedding.

I won't let you drive the Porsche because you're a terrible driver.

There. That wasn't about the wedding.

You got a couple hours?

Whew, that was a brisk ride. - Take the top down, did you? - Only way to fly.

In high school, that added up to head cheerleader.

Did you see how she looked at me? She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy. - She's checking out your beehive. - What?

Give me a brush. - The keys. - No way! - Well, no brush. Fine. It doesn't matter. If I remember correctly, there's a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

Alimony.

Oh, right. Maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.

We don't run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys and he... stars in a drag show in Vegas.

I think I want to trade circles.

You don't want him there. Nobody will stare at the bride when the groom's father's wearing a backless dress.

As long as he's not wearing a white dress and veil, I don't care.

I think I need to do some shopping.

There's no way I'll let you drive this car. Just hand over the keys. Oh! Do not start this car.

Okay, okay. I will give you 20 bucks if you get out of this car right now. Hey!

If you're so freaked out, get in the car. With you? Yeah, right. All right. Okay, okay, okay.

What are you doing? Get in front. - In the death seat?!

That one kept going.

What's your name?

Great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.

We're not eloping. Can our wedding be bigger, please?

Now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.

You need a new word for what I went through.

In high school, he came to all my swim meets... dressed as a Hollywood starlet.

Hard enough to be 14, skinny, wearing Speedos Mom promised I'd grow into.

Dressed as Carmen Miranda, wearing a headdress with real fruit... that he'll later give to your friends as a healthy snack.

He was at every one of your swim meets cheering you on. That's a pretty great dad.

He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi. - Who's Mr. Garibaldi? - Does it matter?!

How much did you ever win before?

You know how when you're wearing pants and you lean forward... I check out your underwear? Well, when Jake did it... I saw that he was wearing women's underwear.

I know. They were mine.

We were goofing around, and I dared him to try them on.

I'm wearing his briefs right now. - That's kind of hot.

I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

Next he'll say your high heels are good for his posture.

There's nothing wrong with Jake. He is all man. I think more than you.

He looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacies.

Only a man completely secure in his masculinity could... walk around in women's underwear. I don't think you could.

You've seen my huge stack of porn.

You don't have a valid driver's license? Pull over right now.

I am not horsing around, okay? I am 'Porsche-ing' around.

Stay calm. Nothing will happen. You're not in that much trouble. Really? You think so? I'm talking to myself. You're going down!

I just ordered a beer. - You're straight. I get it.

It's very 'Cats in the Cradle.' I don't want to get into it.

And there's Daddy.

It's weird. I had a dream last night that I was stopped by a policeman. And then he... Well, I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.

Officer... Handsome. - It's Hanson. - Oops, sorry. My mistake.

Really? You think so? You know, I had just rolled right out of bed.

She should! It was taken 10 years ago!

You're an Aquarius, huh? - I'll bet you're a Gemini. - No. - Taurus? - No. - Virgo? - No. - Sagittarius? - Yep. I knew it. I knew it!

Can he handle a stick? - Well... - I can handle a stick!

That's Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.

Oh, much better. You're invisible now.

Where are you from? - Bakersfield. - I'm sorry? - Bakersfield. No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.

Look, a standing ovation already. So early in the show.

Can we have our drinks, please? Waiter? ...tress?

How much of a man am I? Wow, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.

The silk feels really good. And things aren't as smashed down as I thought they would be.

You have so many more choices than with men's underwear. Bikini, French cut, thong. And the fabrics: cotton, silk, lace.

What's your name? Chandler. Chandler? What an unusual name. You must have had terribly fascinating parents. Oh, they're a hoot.

I'm not very fond of New York. Queens, I like.

So, you're bald.

Then I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'm getting all misty here. You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something.

When I was growing up, I played the one on the far left.

Remind me to introduce you to someone. - Who? - Fourth gear.

Maybe he saw your hands slip briefly from the 10 and 2:00 position.

Maybe it's Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more.

You're right. It was 37.

You're not ticketing me for driving too slow, are you?

You know, officer... I had the weirdest dream last night. Oh, my God! Your license, please.

Officer... Pretty? - It's Petty.

Not that I'm insecure about my manhood or anything, but... I need to hook up with a woman right now.

You look familiar. Do I know you? I don't think so. Maybe it's because I'm on television. I'm an actor on Days of our Lives.