The One After "I Do"

Chandler:Wait, Monica's pregnant? And she just got married?

Chandler:Oh my God, it was a shotgun wedding!

Monica:I'm not pregnant.

Chandler:Well, that's a relief.

Chandler:I can't get out of this thing!

Monica:What's wrong?

Chandler:The zipper's stuck. I look like a dead soldier.

Monica:I'm not pregnant! That test in the trash isn't mine.

Phoebe:Oh, that's mine.

Phoebe:I'm pregnant.

Phoebe:I didn't want to steal your thunder at your wedding, but I'm pregnant!

Monica:What? You're pregnant?

Phoebe:Yeah, I know it's your big day, but I just found out and I couldn't not tell everyone.

Phoebe:It's Brad Pitt.

Phoebe:We met at a coffee shop. He ordered a latte, I ordered a cappuccino. Our eyes met over the espresso machine. It was destiny.

Monica:Come on, Phoebe, just tell us who your father is!

Rachel:Yeah, we've been dying to know!

Chandler:It's gotta be someone famous, right?

Phoebe:Fine! Fine! My father is... Regis Philbin.

Phoebe:Wait, James Brolin is married to Barbra Streisand?

Phoebe:Oh my God, I feel so betrayed right now.

Phoebe:Well, my entire pool of famous men was these two random actors.

Phoebe:I ruled out Ed Begley Jr. because he's gay.

Monica:Phoebe, Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.

Phoebe:Well, he should be!

Chandler:I have a present for you.

Monica:Oh my God, is that a present in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Chandler:It's a present.

Chandler:Well, I could trip and fall on my face, which I do sober, so this should be just like a regular night for me.

Chandler:The silver lining is their embarrassment is going unnoticed.

Rachel:I won't tell you who the father is until I tell him.

Monica:Is it Ross?

Monica:Is it Chandler?

Monica:Is it Joey?

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. So there's a 'him'?

Rachel:I'm not saying anything until I tell him.

Monica:Oh my God, there IS a him!

Joey:I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. This outfit? It's not a fashion disaster. It's a military sacrifice. I'm taking one for the team so none of you have to look this ridiculous.

Joey:You're welcome.

Joey:I'm wearing this because it shows my sensitive side.

Chandler:I would care, but I'm choosing not to.

Ross:Mona... that's a great name. You know, Mona Lott? She invented the concept of complaining. Very influential.

Ross:Well, Mona Klegglachen... she's a botanist, and she's very... she's very attractive. In a botanical way.

Ross:Actually, I think there's been a mistake with my table assignment. I'm supposed to be over here.

Mona:Really? Let me check the seating chart.

Ross:No, no, it's fine. I'm sure it's right. I'll just... sit here.

Unknown dance instructor:This time, really put your ass into it.

Chandler:Well, that's... that's great. I'm happy for you, Mom. Really. Dennis sounds like a... a fantastic guy.

Unknown:Meeting Dennis is a funny story.

Unknown:Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?

Ross:I was looking for table 12, but the way you were holding the number, I thought it was 21!

Chandler:I wear a size 11.

Monica:No, you don't.

Chandler:Okay, fine. I wear a size 9.

Chandler:My feet are not small! They're... proportional.

Monica:Chandler, you wear a size seven.

Chandler:In men's!

Joey:Yeah, and I'm a size ten... in children's.

Chandler:Look, I'll have you know that in some cultures, small feet are considered very attractive and desirable.

Ross:Which cultures, Chandler?

Chandler:The... tall ones.

Monica:Wow, Phoebe, you're glowing! You look so... full.

Rachel:Thank you.

Monica:I wasn't talking to you.

Chandler:Yeah, I mean, they're like little tiny men in there. They've got to have tools or something. Like, 'Okay guys, we've got a rubber to get through. Who's got the blowtorch?'

Monica:Dating is impossible when you're a single mother. I mean, what man wants to deal with that baggage?

Chandler:Well, I mean, not to brag, but I've dated women with kids.

Monica:Yeah, and how'd that work out?

Chandler:I'm not saying it worked out.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was just... aerating the champagne. It's a very sophisticated French technique.

Monica:You spilled it all over the carpet.

Ross:Yes, well, the carpet needed aerating too.

Phoebe:Well, I'm not going to break up his marriage. I mean, I'm not a home-wrecker. I would just be there, you know, in case something happens. Like if Barbara dies.

Rachel:What? There's a technique?

Monica:Well, you have to aim.

Rachel:Aim? Okay, I'm not trying to take down a duck here!

Wedding registries prevent awkward gift situations

Ross:That was just... my stomach. I haven't eaten all day.

Ross:No, seriously, it's a medical condition. Very common. Happens to lots of people.

Ross:It's definitely not what you think it was. I'm fine. Completely fine.

Ross:I can teach you a special kind of dancing where you stand on my feet.

Woman:That sounds nice.

Ross:Yeah, it's called 'The Fireman Carry.' No wait, that's not it... I mean, you just stand on my feet and I lead.

Joey:I'm not just a soap opera actor, okay? I'm a serious actor.

Chandler:You're right. You're also just an actor.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:What? I'm dancing!

Monica:That's not dancing, that's... you're just moving your feet around.

Ross:It's called the foot dancing technique. It's very effective with women.

Chandler:Oh yeah, effective at clearing the dance floor.

Joey:You know, friendship is... it's the most important thing in life. These two people here, they've shown me what it means to really care about someone, to be there for them through everything. And that's beautiful, and I'm honored to be part of their journey.

Joey:Which is why I'm excited to announce that I'll be starring in a new Broadway production called 'Two Hearts, One Love' opening this fall. It's a musical about two people who find each other against all odds, and I play the lead romantic interest. We're looking for investors, so if anyone here is interested in backing a show, see me after the reception.

Joey:Anyway, to the happy couple!

Ross:I don't think this is working.

Woman:Why don't we try switching positions?

Ross:That's not going to help. You're still going to be heavy.

Dennis:It's an all-Chinese cast.

Monica:You're a great dancer, Chandler. Really, you're amazing.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:No, not at all. You dance like a giraffe.

Ross:Hey! Those are my dance moves!

Chandler:What? You can't copyright the running man.

Ross:I've been working on my moves since high school. They're original.

Monica:Ross, everyone does the running man.

Ross:Not like this. I have a very specific rhythm and arm angle.

Phoebe:Maybe you should trademark them. 'The Geller Glide' or something.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's actually not a bad idea.

Chandler:Yes it is. It's the worst idea anyone's had in the history of ideas.

False result that sets up bigger revelation

Unknown:No, it's positive.

Unknown:That's a risky little game.

Mona:Nice guys are so rare these days. I feel like I'm defending niceness single-handedly.

Mona:Wait, so Joey really does have unusually large feet?