The One With The Red Sweater

Chandler:I'm not paying for these charges. I didn't order a 'Nut Buster' or a 'Tube Steak' or a 'Horny Housewives 4'.

Hotel Clerk:Sir, those are the names of the snacks and movies in the mini-bar.

Chandler:Well, they have very misleading names!

Joey:I was not in your room! Why would I be in your room? I don't even know where your room is!

Chandler:Look, the hotel manager assured me the porn wouldn't show up on the bill.

Monica:I'm not a bride anymore. I'm just a wife now.

Chandler:Well, yeah. That's how it works.

Monica:But 'bride' sounds so much better! A bride is special, magical, radiant...

Monica:A wife is just... someone who has to buy groceries and schedule dentist appointments.

Chandler:I mean, you're also my wife, which is pretty great...

Monica:That's not the point!

Monica:We could go to that new Italian restaurant!

Chandler:It got terrible reviews.

Monica:We could finally organize the closet.

Chandler:That sounds like a nightmare.

Monica:We could invite people over for dinner!

Chandler:Our apartment's too small.

Monica:I'm never going to get married. I'm going to die alone.

Monica:Wait, did anyone get the pictures developed from the disposable camera?

Monica:Oh my God, these are amazing!

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, you're not actually going to stay at that motel, are you?

Ross:Why not? It's only $39 a night.

Rachel:Because it's a dump! There's a neon sign that flickers, and I'm pretty sure I saw a cockroach the size of a shoe.

Ross:The sign adds character. And it was probably just a really big shoe.

Chandler:The fact that you can see the floor of your room is not a selling point, Ross.

Ross:Well, the manager said if I sign a waiver, I can get the room for $35.

Rachel:So he screamed 'Marriott!' during sex?

Monica:At least he was thinking of something nice.

Ross:What? They're complimentary! It says so right here on the bottle.

Joey:Ross, you can't just take stuff from the hotel room.

Ross:Joey, when you stay at a hotel, the toiletries are meant for you to take. That's what 'complimentary' means.

Joey:Yeah, but you're taking everything. The shampoo, the conditioner, the lotion...

Ross:Because they're free, Joey. Free! Do you not understand the concept of free?

Monica:What is this $47.95 charge on the hotel bill?

Chandler:Oh, that's... uh...

Monica:Chandler! On our wedding night?!

Chandler:I was nervous!

Monica:I can't believe someone brought porn into my apartment!

Joey:Hey, you want some nuts?

Ross:Oh my God, they have thread! Do you know how hard it is to find thread in a hotel room?

Ross:So on our wedding night, Rachel says to me, 'You know what's weird? All the checks have different names on them.' And I'm like, 'Yeah, that's because people give checks.' She goes, 'But why would they write their own names?' I said, 'Rachel, that's... that's how checks work.'

Ross:My uncle just looked at me like... (makes confused, disappointed face)

Monica:I can't open these presents. They're just sitting there, looking at me with their little bow eyes, like 'Please open me, please open me.' It's like they're a bunch of sad puppies in a shelter and I'm the person who walks by without adopting them.

Chandler:Monica, they're presents. They don't have eyes.

Monica:Well, they do now. And they're disappointed in me.

Phoebe:A little mirror that, when you look into it.. you see yourself as an old woman.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! You guys! Look at this!

Monica:It's a salad spinner! A salad spinner!

Chandler:Yes, and some people collect art.

Monica:No, no, no. I said I was done. I'm not opening any more presents.

Monica:Well, okay, but this one is different. This one is small.

Monica:And it's shaped like a cube, which is very organized.

Monica:Well, I've already opened nine presents, so statistically speaking, what's one more?

Monica:I mean, the difference between nine and ten is really just one gift, and that's hardly—

Monica:Oh, who am I kidding?

Monica:Ooh, this one's pretty!

Phoebe:I can't believe Chandler hasn't been treating me like a pregnant woman. He should be catering to my every need!

Monica:Phoebe, I'm his actual wife.

Phoebe:And?

Phoebe:I mean, he's great! He's like... he's like a Chandler, but you know, like a good one.

Rachel:You should really go out with him. He's tall, he's smart, he's got a great job...

Phoebe:I can't. I'm trying to get pregnant.

Rachel:What? You're not even seeing anyone!

Phoebe:I know. That's not going to stop me.

Phoebe:Ed McMahon had raw sexual magnetism.

Phoebe:He's just walking down the street thinking, 'I had sex with Rachel Greene. I rock!' Then, bam! He's a father, everything's different.

Rachel:Wait, you said 'bam' twice. What was the second 'bam'?

Phoebe:Oh, that's when he gets hit by a bus.

Rachel:He gets hit by a bus?

Phoebe:Yeah.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. How do you know it's yours?

Rachel:What?

Joey:Well, I mean, you know, how do you know for sure that the baby is yours?

Rachel:Because I'm the one who's pregnant, Joey!

Joey:I know, I know, but like... you know, you've been with other guys. How do you know it's not one of theirs?

Joey:I went to this sunglass store, right? And the guy, he's like, 'Try these on.' So I put 'em on, and suddenly I'm like the coolest guy in the world. Next thing I know, I'm walking out with a girl!

Chandler:So you're blaming the sunglasses?

Joey:I'm not blaming them, I'm just saying... they were very persuasive sunglasses.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm pregnant!

Joey:I'm gonna go find this guy and teach him a lesson!

Phoebe:Oh, he's huge. Like, seven feet tall. And he's got this thing where one eye points in a different direction.

Chandler:Could I BE any more under this table?

Ross:Why is Monica so depressed? She got married!

Chandler:Yeah, well, my survival strategy is to just nod and smile until she forgets I exist.

Ross:We could use the ballroom.

Chandler:The ballroom? What, are we getting married?

Chandler:Yeah, okay, but look at your track record. You've been divorced twice!

Ross:That's not fair!

Chandler:Not fair? You've had more failed relationships than most people have had relationships!

Ross:Monica chose the flowers, Monica chose the colors, Monica chose the music, Monica chose the cake...

Chandler:Yeah, and I was supposed to choose the groom, and I chose... poorly.

Joey:Wait, so the baby's not Gunther's?

Rachel:No, it's Ross's.

Joey:Oh thank God. Can you imagine? A little baby with Gunther's hair?

Joey:It would just be standing there, staring at you like a creepy doll.

Rachel:I know I said I wanted to move to Paris, but I realized I can't leave.

Phoebe:Oh my God, are you finally listening to my premonition about the bus accident?

Phoebe:Okay, you just gotta rip it off real quick, like this—

Phoebe:AHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Monica:I can't control myself anymore. I need an intervention.

Monica:Joey, stop me from opening presents.

Joey:Okay.

Monica:Can I have another present?

Joey:No.

Joey:It's a scary world out there for single moms. That's why I'm proposing marriage as a solution.

Monica:You can't marry Joey!

Phoebe:Why not? He's sweet, he's handsome, he's—

Monica:Because he's my friend! And you're my friend! And if you two get together, I have to choose sides!

Phoebe:You don't have to choose. We can all be friends.

Monica:No we can't! It doesn't work that way!

Phoebe:Well, that's not my problem. This is MY wedding, and I'm not sharing the attention with anyone!

Monica:Wait, so you're not pregnant?

Phoebe:No, I'm not pregnant.

Monica:Then who is?

Rachel:I am.

Phoebe:I can marry Joey!

Monica:Phoebe, you're already pregnant.

Phoebe:So?

Monica:So you can't fake being pregnant if you actually are pregnant!

Chandler:So there was this guy...

Joey:And?

Chandler:Monica, what is this thing?

Monica:I don't know, I've never seen it before.

Chandler:Well it was in our apartment.

Monica:Oh my God... that's mine.

Joey:I don't understand. Why does everyone keep leaving me hanging? 'Oh Joey, you're not gonna believe what happened...' and then nothing! No punchline, no resolution. Just Joey sitting here like an idiot waiting for the rest of the story.

Woman:You smell amazing.

Chandler:Oh, thanks. It's a new cologne.

Woman:What's it called?

Chandler:Eau de Hilton.

Chandler:Could I BE any more in focus?

Phoebe:I'm not just a pretty face, you know. I have layers. I'm like an onion.

Phoebe:Well, okay, a really attractive onion.

Rachel:I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to face him.

Phoebe:Yeah, go get him!

Phoebe:Wait!

Phoebe:You can't go out like that.

Rachel:What? Why not?

Phoebe:Because you look like you're going to a funeral, not to yell at someone.

Phoebe:Here, wear this.

Phoebe:You need to show some skin, show some attitude!

Rachel:Phoebe, no—

Phoebe:Yes!

Hotel Clerk:Sir, you need to leave. Now.

Tag:Okay, okay! I'm going! I'm wearing blue!

Hotel Clerk:No, wear red so we can spot you.

Tag:Red! Yes! I'm wearing red!

Phoebe:See? I told you! This is the sweater you were wearing!

Tag:That's not my sweater.

Phoebe:Yes it is!

Tag:No, it's not. I have an identical sweater at home.

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't believe I just did that. I offered poison to myself.

Rachel:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... Look, maybe we can just move past this?

Rachel:Besides, have you seen what you're wearing? That shirt went out of style in 1987.

Tag:So... do you think we could get back together?

Rachel:Tag, I don't even remember your last name.

Rachel:Tag, it's not a big deal. I mean, yes, I'm pregnant, but life goes on.

Monica:I think it does something to salami.

Rachel:Wow, you're hugging me and you're not trying to sleep with me. That's very sweet.

Joey:Yeah, well, I'm a giver.

Joey:I support single moms. That's what I do. I'm there for them.

Chandler:Yeah, we know.

Joey:You know what? I'm gonna propose to a single mom.

Monica:What?

Joey:Yeah, I'm gonna find a beautiful single mom and I'm gonna marry her.

Rachel:Joey, that's insane.

Joey:Why? Why is that insane? I love kids. I support single moms. It's a perfect fit!

Joey:Look, I've figured it out. The key to romance is mathematics. You take the number of times you've been rejected, divide it by the number of times you've asked someone out, and multiply by how much money you have left after child support.

Phoebe:That's not math, that's just sad.

Rachel:And the answer is zero.

Joey:Exactly! Zero times infinity equals... well, that's where I lost me.

Joey:Phoebe, wait, I need to talk to you about the proposal—

Phoebe:Oh my God, is that a spiralizer?

Joey:What? No, Phoebe, focus. I made a huge mistake—

Phoebe:It makes noodles out of vegetables! Joey, this changes everything!

Joey:More than my proposal?

Phoebe:Infinitely more.

Monica:Wait, you mean to tell me you've been pretending to use fake cameras this whole time?

Chandler:Well, yeah. We thought it would be funny.

Monica:Funny? Chandler, I found real cameras in the apartment!

Chandler:Oh. So... all of that was for nothing then.

Monica:You kissed another woman?!

Chandler:Well, you opened all the presents early...

Chandler:So I think we're even.

Monica:Did you steal the wedding flowers?

Ross:What? No! Why would I steal flowers?

Monica:Because they're missing and you were the last one there.

Ross:Okay, fine. Yes, I took the flowers. But only because the hotel charged me $400 for them and I figured if I'm paying for them, I'm taking them home.

Ross:That's my sweater.

Rachel:Wait... you're the father?

Ross:What? No! I mean, yes, I'm wearing the sweater, but—

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Tag:So who's the father?

Ross:Well, he's a paleontologist. Very smart guy. He's got this thing where he gets really intense about things. Sometimes he can be a little neurotic, kind of annoying actually. But deep down, he's got a really good heart.

Tag:That sounds like you.

Ross:What? No! He's much worse than me!

Tag:Check your sweater label.

Ross:What? Why would I... Oh my God, this is made in Peru!

Tag:Yeah, and?

Ross:You're weird, man.