The One Where Joey Dates Rachel

Monica:Did you get the paper towels?

Chandler:Paper towels? Oh, you mean the one thing we went to the store for?

Joey:It's just a vending machine - not a game at all

Rachel:You won every time at a vending machine?

Joey:Yeah! I'd put in my money, push the button, and I'd get what I wanted. Every single time!

Ross:Hey guys, you won't believe what just happened!

Monica:Oh no.

Chandler:Run.

Monica:We're going.

Chandler:Now.

Ross:I can't believe Professor Gail is retiring. This is the best thing that's ever happened to my career!

Chandler:Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, but I heard she's retiring because she tried to poison herself.

Rachel:We could go to that new French restaurant, or take a walk through Central Park at sunset, or maybe catch a show on Broadway!

Joey:Yeah, or we could just skip all that and go straight to the part where you're trying to make your ex-boyfriend jealous.

Rachel:I'm not gonna be able to date for like nine months. Do you know what that's like?

Rachel:It's like my favorite restaurant is closed for renovations.

Joey:Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay. Plenty of guys dig pregnant chicks. I dated a girl once who was pregnant and let me tell you, the third trimester? That's when things really... open up, if you know what I mean.

Rachel:Joey, that's... that's not helping.

Joey:No, no, wait! And the swelling? Not just in the ankles, if you catch my drift. It's like nature's way of saying 'more to love,' am I right?

Rachel:Oh my God, stop talking!

Joey:I'm just saying, you're gonna have guys lined up around the block. You're like a beautiful, fertile... vessel of—

Rachel:Okay, you know what? That's actually kind of sweet. Thanks, Joey.

Joey:See? I'm a natural at this.

Phoebe:Oh, don't feel bad. Not everyone can be good at Ms. Pac-Man. Some people are just naturally gifted, you know? It's not your fault you lack the spatial awareness and the hand-eye coordination.

Monica:Phoebe! Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? Sorry, I was just... I can't talk right now, I'm in the zone.

Monica:The zone? Phoebe, you're playing Guitar Hero.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I'm crushing it. I'm not one of those people who gets distracted by success, Monica.

Monica:This game is stupid.

Phoebe:No, you're stupid.

Monica:No, you're stupid.

Phoebe:You suck.

Monica:You suck.

Phoebe:You suck more.

Monica:You suck more.

Phoebe:You suck the most.

Monica:Joey, you've been at that arcade game for three hours. Don't you have an audition?

Joey:Yeah, but Monica, this is important. I'm one game away from the high score.

Monica:One game away? You said that two hours ago!

Joey:I know, but last week I got stuck in a vending machine for forty minutes. This is way better.

Monica:Chandler, you have to help us settle this!

Phoebe:Yeah, come on!

Chandler:No, no, no. I'm not getting involved. You two keep fighting.

Phoebe:It's okay. You know, you're like a little dog that yaps a lot, but you don't mean anything by it.

Joey:I got you flowers and a brownie for our date.

Rachel:Oh, that's so sweet! Where's the brownie?

Joey:Well... I ate it on the way over.

Rachel:You ate the entire brownie?

Joey:I was hungry! But I got you flowers!

Rachel:I can't believe I'm on a real date! It feels so amazing, like I'm floating on air!

Rachel:Though honestly, my back is killing me, my feet are swollen, and I've been wearing the same maternity underwear for three days.

Rachel:Oh Joey, this is amazing. A lava lamp? And is that a neon beer sign? Oh, you really know how to make a girl feel special.

Rachel:A velvet Elvis painting? Oh, that's it. You've done it. I'm officially your kind of woman.

Rachel:So you're saying you're not interested in my roommate?

Joey:No, no, I'm very interested. I just think we should take things slow.

Rachel:Oh come on, Joey. What are you, gay?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, you know what? Game over. I can't do this anymore.

Ross:I have 10 minutes to get across town to teach my class.

Student:You're not gonna make it.

Ross:Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Ross Geller, and I'll be teaching this class.

Ross:So... I'm Dr. Ross Geller. Okay, well, that's all I have. Class dismissed.

Rachel:Can we substitute the three-pound lobster for the vegetables?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Both? You want me to get both the lobster and the vegetables? For both of us?

Joey:I'm in!

Joey:I don't have any moves. I'm just myself.

Joey:Who am I kidding? I can't even say that with a straight face.

Joey:See, I tell them it's my wine. I make it myself. I'm very humble about it.

Joey:How you doin'?

Rachel:*laughs and swats him* Oh my God, Joey!

Rachel:Where'd you grow up?

Joey:Wow, that's your move? That's your dating move? You just ask guys where they grew up?

Rachel:What's wrong with that?

Joey:Nothing, nothing. I mean, it's working for you because you're gorgeous, but if you ever lost your looks, you'd be in big trouble.

Joey:Oh wow, so you just ask people about themselves? That's so boring.

Rachel:Well, it works, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, sure it does.

Joey:Wait... you guys are actually talking. Like, really talking. This is amazing! Everyone tell me about yourselves! What makes you happy? What are your dreams?

Joey:I have no idea what she just said, but boy, when she walked away... I fell in love.

Chandler:Monica, you won't believe what I did today!

Monica:Yeah, I can see that.

Chandler:I'm amazing at Ms. Pac-Man. I'm going to change my name to Ms. Chandler.

Chandler:Wait, no, that's not good.

Monica:What's wrong with your hand?

Chandler:Oh, I got a blister from playing too much Nintendo.

Monica:A blister? From what?

Chandler:The controller. I was playing this game for like eight hours straight.

Chandler:But check this out — my high score initials are B.J.

Chandler:It's a creative challenge! You have to think of words that are both offensive and fit the game board.

Monica:Oh, well in that case, you're a genius. A sick, twisted genius, but a genius.

Monica:Chandler, if you don't clear those dirty scores off the board, there will be consequences.

Chandler:What kind of consequences?

Monica:The kind where I won't... you know.

Chandler:A 7-year-old won't understand that!

Monica:Chandler, what 7-year-old doesn't know what BJ stands for?

Chandler:I don't know, but I'm glad I grew up when I did.

Chandler:Wait, the scores are saved?

Monica:Yeah, wow, you've really reached the pinnacle of cool.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I got one. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ben:To get to the other side?

Chandler:No! To get away from you because you're annoying! ...Oh wait, I can't do the punchline, my wrist is broken from playing video games.

Rachel:Okay, so if you had to punch one of us, who would it be?

Joey:Chandler.

Rachel:You didn't even think about it!

Joey:I didn't have to.

Rachel:I laughed so hard I snorted wine out of my nose!

Joey:Yeah, we all saw that.

Joey:I'm not waiting, I'm starving!

Rachel:Oh my God, me too!

Joey:You see, it's all about the shine. Women can't resist a man with shiny lips. It's like a beacon, drawing them in from across the room.

Rachel:Wait, you told me the flavor was embarrassing.

Joey:Yeah, well... I didn't mean to tell you it was strawberry.

Rachel:So at the end of the date, you lean in like this...

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that sound?

Rachel:What sound?

Joey:That... that noise you just made!

Joey:I don't know what you did, but... it worked.

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God.

Joey:What? What is it?

Rachel:We just... we were just...

Joey:I know.

Rachel:But we're friends!

Joey:I know we're friends.

Rachel:This doesn't happen with friends!

Joey:Hey, it was just a practice kiss. For practice.

Rachel:That was not a practice kiss, Joey. That was a... a...

Joey:Okay, so maybe it got a little out of hand.

Ross:I ran here! I ran the whole way! And I'm still fifty minutes late!

Ross:I don't understand. I clearly yelled 'Move!' Why didn't anyone move?

Ross:A cab three times a week? Do you know how much that would cost? I'd have to be a Saudi Arabian prince just to afford getting to work!

Ross:I got my job in the family newsletter.

Monica:What? They're calling it 'The Geller Yeller'?

Ross:Yes!

Ross:I've figured out a faster route to my next class. It cuts through the parking lot, saves me five minutes.

Chandler:Ross, that's where people park cars.

Ross:I know. I'll just have to move quickly.

Phoebe:Citizen Kane is boring.

Phoebe:But it's like, important or whatever.

Joey:Hey, you okay? You seem weird.

Rachel:I'm fine, I'm just... I don't know. That date was really nice.

Joey:Yeah, it was. So why do you feel weird?

Rachel:I don't know, Joey. It's just... I felt something.

Joey:Oh! Oh no. Was it the shrimp? I told you not to get the shrimp.

Joey:I was in my apartment the whole time! I couldn't leave my bathroom!

Joey:You want proof? Check my laundry basket!

Monica:Come on, come on! No, no, no! Why won't you just go where I want you to go?! Move it! MOVE IT! Oh, you little yellow menace, I swear I'm gonna—

Phoebe:I'm sorry for hogging the game before.

Phoebe:But if you don't share it with me right now, I will hurt you.

Chandler:Well, he's seven. He probably knows all the dirty words.

Monica:Chandler!

Ross:So, uh, you guys, dinosaurs are cool, right? They're big, they're dead, and they teach us about, uh, extinction and stuff. That's paleontology, folks. Big lizards, long time ago, now we dig 'em up. Pretty neat.

Joey:You know, I'm an actor. Most people in this city are waiters and actresses, but I'm an actor.

Date:You're a waiter.

Joey:No, I'm an actor.

Date:You're waiting tables at Moondance Diner.

Joey:Yeah, but between jobs I—

Date:You've been between jobs for four years.

Joey's Date:You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were really attractive. But then as I got to know you, I realized that doesn't matter at all.

Joey:Aww, that's sweet.

Joey's Date:Yeah, because now that I know you better, you're even uglier.

Phoebe:Oh come on! No, no, no! What the—oh my God, are you kidding me?! This is such bull—

Ben:Hi Aunt Phoebe!

Phoebe:—bullfrogs! Yes! I was just saying bullfrogs. Bullfrogs are so... silly.

Monica:Were you just—

Phoebe:Video games! Teaching Ben all about... nature. And bullfrogs.

Rachel:Oh my God, that dog is so scary! Why is it acting like that?

Phoebe:He has rabies.

Rachel:Well, can't they just give him some medicine or something?

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God! What is that thing?! It's so scary!

Rachel:I can't watch this. I can't! Make it stop!

Rachel:Wait, why is the dog still alive? Kill the dog! KILL THE DOG! I don't care anymore, just kill it!

Rachel:Are you scared?

Joey:No, no, no. I'm not scared.

Joey:Okay, I'm terrified. But I'm gonna be brave for you.

Ross:Okay class, today we're going to discuss the fascinating world of hydrosaurs.

Ross:These magnificent creatures roamed the earth millions of years ago.