The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath

Joey:I'm fine. I'm totally fine. Rachel and I are just friends. Best friends. Friends who happen to be incredibly attractive and live together and share everything...

Joey:No! No, I'm fine! I don't have feelings. I'm Joey Tribbiani. I don't do feelings. I do... pizza and... TV and...

Joey:Why does she have to smell so good? That's not fair! That's not playing by the rules!

Joey:Come on, Tony. You can do this. You're Joey Tribbiani. You're gonna go in there and you're gonna nail this audition.

Joey:That's right, Tony. Show them what you got.

Rachel:Hey Joey!

Joey:Oh, hey Rachel. Yeah, I'm doing great. Really great. I actually just got asked out by this girl. My girlfriend. I mean, not my girlfriend yet, but she will be my girlfriend. She's a girl and she's my friend, so technically she's a girlfriend, but like, a romantic girlfriend, you know?

Monica:Chandler loves taking baths with me.

Chandler:I love taking baths with you. Not baths. You.

Monica:So what do you do to relax in the bath?

Chandler:I like to just lie there and think about how much I hate taking baths.

Monica:Baths really help relieve stress.

Chandler:Well, my life is already completely stress-free.

Chandler:I mean, pathetic, but stress-free.

Joey:Chandler, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Chandler:Okay, okay. Let me assess the situation. Is this a 'we need ice cream' conversation or a 'we need cheesecake' conversation?

Joey:I don't know, how bad does it sound?

Chandler:Well, if you need me to choose between ice cream and cheesecake, that's already a 'we need both' conversation.

Joey:Hey Chandler, I gotta talk to you about something serious.

Chandler:Okay, what's up?

Joey:Well, it's about... you know... it's complicated.

Chandler:Joey, just tell me.

Joey:I'm gonna go get a sandwich.

Joey:You know, it's weird. Chandler and Monica, they're gonna be in the same place. At the same time.

Chandler:Yes, that's generally how it works when two people are in London together.

Joey:Forget this conversation ever happened.

Joey:In fact, let's pretend we've never even met.

Phoebe:You guys, you know what? I think you're both gonna be great parents. I mean, look at my mom. She was a drug addict, and I turned out awesome!

Phoebe:I'm gonna name my baby Phoebe Jr.

Monica:You're not allowed to name your baby after yourself.

Phoebe:Why not? That's a great name!

Rachel:Because it's confusing.

Phoebe:No it's not. When I want to talk to her, I just use a different voice.

Rachel:What about Sandrene?

Ross:Sandrene? That sounds like a feminine hygiene product.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, no! If you name your baby Darwin, people are going to think you're really into science or something weird like that.

Ross:What's wrong with that?

Rachel:What's wrong with that? Everything! He'll get made fun of in school. Kids will call him 'Darwin the nerd' or 'Darwin the dork.' Do you want that for your son?

Rachel:A kid named Darwin? He's going to get beaten up.

Ross:Well, what do you want to name him? Because if you name him Rachel, he's really going to get beaten up.

Phoebe:What about the name Rain?

Ross:Rain? Oh, that's nice. Yeah, Rain. Hi, I'm Rain. I'm a vegan, I have no job, and I live in your car.

Ross:Oh wow, man, like, you know, the vibes, they're just, like, really not good right now, you know?

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's Rain!

Rachel:Thatcher? Oh my God, Ross, that sounds like a name for a baby born in a log cabin during a dust storm.

Ross:It's a strong name!

Rachel:It's a name that screams 'my parents dressed me in burlap and made me churn butter before school.'

Ross:We could name her James.

Rachel:James? That's a boy's name.

Ross:No, it's unisex. It works for a girl too.

Rachel:Ross, James is not a girl's name.

Ross:Well, it is if the girl's name is James!

Ross:What about Ruth?

Rachel:Ruth? That's an old lady name. I'm not naming my daughter Ruth.

Ross:What about Ben?

Rachel:Veto.

Ross:Okay, um, Joshua?

Monica:Veto.

Ross:Ethan?

Phoebe:Veto.

Ross:You know what? Just name him Veto. You're gonna veto everything anyway!

Chandler:Could you draw me a shower instead? And maybe a little deck?

Monica:Okay, I got you a toy boat for the bath.

Chandler:A toy boat? Monica, I'm not five years old.

Monica:It's not just any boat — it's a battleship. Very masculine.

Chandler:A battleship made of rubber that floats around in soapy water is not going to make me feel like a man.

Monica:Well, what if I told you it has little cannons?

Chandler:...Okay, now we're talking.

Chandler:Could this boat BE any more of a man?

Chandler:You're gonna need a bigger boat.

Monica:What?

Chandler:Sorry, I was just thinking about my face.

Rachel:A Ruth? Oh my God, Ross, do you know what a Ruth becomes? She becomes a woman who wears orthopedic shoes and drives a Cadillac to Boca Raton. She plays mah-jong every Thursday and has a perm that could survive a nuclear winter. She calls everyone 'dear' and pinches your cheeks until they bruise!

Ross:We could find out the baby's sex if you want.

Rachel:Oh my God, yes!

Ross:Well, we've narrowed it down to two names. If it's a boy, we're going to name him Erica.

Monica:No, that's a girl's name.

Ross:That's what I said! But if it's a girl, we're going to name her Erica.

Doctor:Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear you discussing names for your baby.

Doctor:As a medical professional, I feel obligated to intervene. You cannot name your child that.

Doctor:I've taken an oath, and watching you make this mistake violates my Hippocratic Oath more than anything I've done in my career.

Rachel:Which baby is the ugliest?

Ross:Emma!

Rachel:Emma!

Ross:Wait, what? No! I didn't say Emma! You said Emma!

Rachel:No, you totally said Emma first!

Ross:Well, even if I did, I didn't mean it!

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross! You looked at the ultrasound!

Ross:I know, I know, but—

Rachel:No! We agreed! We said we wouldn't look until the baby was born!

Rachel:Now the baby's gonna come out all angry, like, 'Why'd you look at me? I'm not ready to be looked at yet!'

Ross:Do you have any self-control?

Rachel:That's rich coming from you. I'm not the one who got pregnant.

Chandler:Monica, hi, it's me. Yeah, I'm calling about the bath you drew for me.

Chandler:Well, I think the water temperature is a bit off. Could you make it a little warmer?

Chandler:Actually, now it's too warm. And the bubbles—there are too many bubbles. Can you reduce the bubbles by like, 40%?

Chandler:Also, I requested the Egyptian cotton towels, not the Italian ones. There's a difference, Monica.

Chandler:And could you light the vanilla candle? Not the lavender. The vanilla. I'm very specific about my bath ambiance.

Monica:What are you doing with all those bath salts?

Chandler:Well, I'm trying to create a proper osmotica balance in my tub. The mineral concentration was causing dermal irritation, so I'm adjusting the ionic displacement.

Monica:Since when do you know words like 'osmotica'?

Chandler:Since my butt needed a degree in chemistry.

Monica:Joey, you need to work on your communication skills. Remember when you tried to do Shakespeare?

Joey:Hey, I was great in that! I played a tree.

Monica:Exactly.

Monica:Wait, so you're saying you can't date someone unless they live in a specific neighborhood?

Chandler:That's what he said.

Monica:Joey, that's insane. You do realize New York is a big city, right?

Joey:Yeah, I know that!

Monica:So what you're telling me is... you need someone who lives within walking distance or you just won't do it?

Joey:No! I'm saying—

Chandler:He wants them to live in Manhattan.

Monica:OH! So you're only dating girls from the island of Manhattan. That's your rule.

Monica:Oh my God, a baby! We could name him Chandler Jr.!

Mrs. Tribbiani:Here's your iron back, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Oh, thank you! Did it work okay?

Mrs. Tribbiani:Well, it works great. I just can't get it to stop screaming.

Phoebe:What's the secret?

Mrs. Tribbiani:Well, it's not really a secret, it's more of a... scandalous tidbit of tittle-tattle that I heard down at the beauty parlor.

Phoebe:I mean, Joey's cute and all, but... I don't know. Do you think he'd want to play Marco Polo with me?

Phoebe:Oh my God, Joey has feelings for me? That's so sweet!

Phoebe:Well, I mean, Chandler's been in love with me for years too.

Phoebe:I know because he told me... well, he didn't tell me, but I can tell by the way he looks at me.

Phoebe:So basically, I'm like a guy magnet. It's a curse.

Rachel:Wait, you're suddenly okay with Ruth? What changed?

Ross:Well, I've been thinking about it, and it's actually a lovely name.

Rachel:Uh-huh. And this has nothing to do with the fact that if the baby's a girl, I get to name the next one?

Ross:No! What? That's—

Rachel:Because if you say Ruth, then you think you're off the hook. But you're not. We're having at least three kids, and I'm naming every other one.

Rachel:Oh my God, wait. I see what you're doing. You're going with the whole pretentious thing, aren't you?

Rachel:So if 'Emma' doesn't work out, what are you gonna do? Name the next one 'Aristotle'? 'Ptolemy'?

Rachel:Ooh! 'Icarus'! You'd name your son 'Icarus'!

Rachel:Wait, so you're telling me Ross deliberately chose that moment to—

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God, this goes deeper than I thought. He probably timed it with the lunar cycle. He's been studying my schedule, waiting for the perfect—

Rachel:And Chandler! Chandler's in on it. That's why he made that joke last Thursday. It was a signal!

Rachel:How did I not see this? It's all connected. The coffee shop, the apartment, even Monica's ridiculous cleaning—it's all part of the plan!

Rachel:Wait a minute. I've been thinking about this all wrong. You named your son Ben after your ex-girlfriend's son, and then you named your daughter Emma after... after my middle name!

Rachel:Oh my God. You're doing it on purpose! You're naming your children after women you've been with!

Rachel:Well, I am NOT naming my daughter after you, so don't even think about it!

Rachel:You wanted Ruth!

Ross:I know! But not like this!

Joey:I think Rachel is amazing. She's so smart and beautiful, and I could see a real future with her.

Phoebe:Wait, you mean like a future where you guys actually date and get serious?

Joey:No, no. A future where we hang out, have fun, see where things go...

Phoebe:So you're saying you want to commit to her.

Joey:I'm saying I want to keep my options open.

Joey:The pathetically short and insignificant list

Joey:There's just one thing about Rachel that bothers me.

Rachel:What? What is it?

Joey:She's too beautiful. It's distracting. I can't concentrate when she's in the room.

Phoebe:Crushes happen all the time. I have crushes on like, most of you guys.

Phoebe:Not Monica... and not Chandler anymore.

Phoebe:You must have had a crush on me at some point.

Joey:No, I haven't.

Phoebe:Not even a little bit? Come on!

Ross:I know! I know! I got the results back from the doctor!

Rachel:Oh my God! What is it?!

Ross:It's a girl!

Ross:And I'm not telling you anything else!

Rachel:I'm so excited! I'm going to have a girl!

Ross:That's great! A daughter!

Rachel:Yeah, and she's going to be smart and beautiful and independent...

Monica:And she'll have your genes!

Rachel:Well... she'll have Ross's genes too, I guess.

Monica:Chandler, you used all the hot water again! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?

Chandler:Monica, I'm sorry. But you know what? All this anger, it's just water under the bridge.

Monica:Water under the bridge?!

Chandler:Well, actually, it's water that went down the drain, but I'm trying to be zen about it.

Monica:You've lost your masculine bath accessories.

Joey:How did you find out about that?

Phoebe:Oh, I have my ways.

Joey:You're like a jedi master of getting information out of people. It's actually kind of amazing.

Phoebe:I'm just so disappointed in Joey. He's supposed to be this great actor, and he can't even remember his lines.

Phoebe:You know who remembers his lines? Leonardo DiCaprio. Now that's a man.

Monica:Lee Majors? Oh my God, yes. He was so hot.

Phoebe:Right?

Monica:I mean, who didn't have a crush on Lee Majors?

Joey:Hey man, just use the towel.

Chandler:I am using the towel!

Joey:No, use it like this.

Monica:Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:I'm showing him how to hold it so nobody sees anything.

Chandler:I don't think that's physically possible.

Joey:Could I BE any more helpful?

Monica:Oh my God! Chandler, what are you doing?

Chandler:I'm taking a bath!

Monica:Well, cover yourself up! Here, use this toy boat.

Ross:Oh! Hey, guys, I just need to—

Ross:Oh, that's... that's actually pretty efficient.

Ross:Wait, is that my towel?

Joey:I'm worried about Tony. He hasn't called in three days. What if something happened to him? What if he's hurt? What if he's... oh wait, he's a cuckoo clock.

Joey:It's just a crush, that's all. I can handle a crush.

Rachel:Hey Joey!

Joey:I love you!

Chandler:Oh, Monica, your hands are amazing. Where did you learn to do this?

Monica:Chandler, I'm not even touching you.

Chandler:What? Then what is that?

Monica:Those are the bath salts. You're sitting in bath salts.

Chandler:Oh. My. God. It's like a warm hug from heaven itself. I'm experiencing sensations I didn't know existed. Is this what people feel like all the time? Why isn't everyone just in the bathtub constantly? I could die right now and I'd be okay with it.

Monica:Oh my God, he's been in the bath for three hours.

Chandler:I'm not getting out! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Monica:Well, at least he's not trying to have sex on the balcony anymore.