The One with the Secret Closet

You caught me at a bad time. - Are you and Chandler...? - Exactly. - Can I play for you? - No.

Phoebe, I can explain. You see... God, I gotta get better at lying.

Well, Alexandra has... - It has a name?

Well, I thought I'd... Yeah, what the hell.

I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say... you're the best sex I've ever had. That's always appropriate.

I hope you're a better father than you are a friend!

Maybe you should come to me. I'm not wearing any bottoms.

Who's that annoying girl soccer player? - Mia Hamm? - Mia Hamm!

One hand on the sheet, Joe.

Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under $6?

How about to the street, from the balcony?

Let's cross that bridge when they drop by unexpectedly... and demand a gigantic bowl of punch.

That's for canned goods. Have you forgotten everything from orientation?

Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!

Love you. Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh? You.

If! I said, if it helps.

That's different. We were roommates. And when?

I'm curious about the human body.

Or how Ross would feel if he couldn't teach us about dragons. - Dinosaurs. - Potato, potahtoe.

Although we would love to see you do that again.

A dreamless sleep.

I got some stuff going on if you want to feel.

Can I get a copy of that?

That's right, you just enjoy.

Oh, yeah! - Okay. Oh, God, Phoebe! That's it! That's it, right there!

I'll bet it's Richard. - What? - Well, let me ask you something... when was the last time you saw him?

You being the 'cake', Richard being the 'too'. - That was off the top of your head? - Yeah.

I saw a movie where there was a door. Nobody knew what was behind it. When they finally got it open, millions of bugs came pouring out... and they feasted on human flesh!

It wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!

Stupid closet full of bugs!

Crushing bones! Good thing we're going to a hospital.

Open it. Open it. Watch your feet there's bugs everywhere.

Mild discomfort? I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?

I wasn't calm! I've never been more scared in my life. - You said everything was okay. - What do I know? I'm not a doctor.

I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus. Mild discomfort! What's he talking about?

No uterus, no opinion.

You went to the movies by yourself? - Mona!

Look, I forgot my underwear.

Hey, not as good as this guy. He brought Twizzlers.

Oh, no, wait. I'm not a 9-year-old girl.

Then why do you throw like one?

So how's the inappropriate crush on Rachel coming? Really good. I should be ready to kill myself any day now.

Well, you sure found that quick.

Except for harboring love for the woman carrying his baby. Well, there is that.

Richard, if you're in there, could you pass me my credit card?

It freaked me out. After a while, I tried to hurt you. It spurred you on.

What are you looking at? I mean, hi.

It's not because she hates Enya.

Well, not clients. Lovers.

If you stick one hand down your pants you're the spitting image of Joey.

Pickle makes her sick. Giving her pickle is like giving me salad.

Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.

Are you breaking up with us?

I'm dating Mona. Damn it, Mona!

Living with the father? It's a bit conventional for us.

Well, I was due.

You're messy. - No! You weren't supposed to see this! - I married Fred Sanford.

Okay, okay, fine! Now you know. I'm sick.

I don't love you because you're organized. I love you in spite of that.

I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium. It's a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it's got a bit of a kick.

I'm a lone wolf. A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?

Phoebe? - Yeah, say my name. Say it.