The One With The Secret Closet

Phoebe:Do you want to hang out?

Monica:It's a bad time.

Phoebe:Oh! Are you guys having sex?

Monica:Exactly.

Monica:Okay, so what happened was... you know what? No. I'm just bad at this. I need to work on my lying skills.

Monica:His name is Mike.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Monica! How could you?!

Phoebe:Does Chandler know about Mike?

Monica:Phoebe, he's my masseuse!

Phoebe:That's what they all say. I'm calling Chandler.

Chandler:Monica, Phoebe, I'm gonna level with you guys. I've thought about this long and hard, and I've made a decision.

Chandler:I'm going with Phoebe.

Monica:What?!

Phoebe:Really?

Chandler:I'm sorry, Monica. But angry Phoebe scares me.

Rachel:Ross, this is so beautiful. We created this together.

Ross:I know. I can't believe we're going to be parents.

Rachel:Remember when we made this baby? That was amazing sex.

Ross:Rachel! This is not the time!

Joey:Hey! Why didn't anybody tell me you guys were having a moment? I could've brought snacks!

Joey:I wanna feel the baby kick!

Rachel:Okay, but I'm not wearing any pants.

Joey:...

Rachel:The baby's kicking so much, it's like having Mia Hamm in there.

Joey:Mia Hamm? Who's that?

Rachel:You know, that annoying soccer player.

Joey:Feel that? I think I felt something!

Rachel:Joey, that's my stomach. I haven't eaten since breakfast.

Joey:Oh... so that's not the baby?

Rachel:No. And you can take your hand away now.

Chandler:Oh, a gift from people who don't like us! Finally, someone who really understands us.

Monica:Where could we return this?

Chandler:We could throw it off the balcony.

Monica:What if they come over and expect punch?

Chandler:They're not going to demand punch, Monica.

Monica:But what if they do?

Chandler:Then we give them punch. We have punch.

Monica:We do?

Chandler:No, but they're not going to ask for it!

Monica:A cabinet? No, no, no. The punch bowl goes on the dining room table in the exact center, equidistant from all four corners. Everything in this apartment has a specific place, and if it's not in that place, then this whole system falls apart.

Monica:It's just feminine stuff.

Chandler:Oh, well, that changes everything. I don't want to see that.

Monica:Goodbye, Chandler.

Phoebe:Bye.

Chandler:Alexandra has been massaging Monica for three years.

Chandler:Wait, no, that came out wrong.

Chandler:You saw me naked?

Chandler:Well, I mean, when?

Phoebe:Oh, well, I was doing this thing where I astral project myself into people's apartments to check their auras, and I just happened to catch you coming out of the shower.

Phoebe:I give great massages. I'm like the Ross of massage.

Chandler:Ross is a paleontologist, not a massage therapist.

Phoebe:Yeah, whatever. He teaches people about... big lizards.

Chandler:Dinosaurs.

Phoebe:That's what I said.

Joey:Do that again!

Joey:I wasn't sleeping, I was just resting my eyes while my ears took a nap.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey. You want to feel a kick? Feel this.

Ross:Joey, that's not...

Joey:No, no, no, come on. Put your hand here. I had a really big lunch.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! What about me? I want to be on the pregnancy alert system!

Ross:Joey, you're not the father.

Joey:I know, but I'm a very caring guy! What if Rachel goes into labor and I'm the only one around? I could deliver the baby!

Chandler:Oh God, please no.

Phoebe:Just relax, let it go, let your shoulders drop. Yeah, that's it. Good. Feel that? Mmm, very tense. You're carrying a lot of stress right here.

Chandler:Yeah, well, work has been crazy.

Phoebe:Okay, just breathe. Breathe through it. Come on, you can do it. That's right, let it all come out.

Chandler:Oh, that feels... mmm... oh yes...

Phoebe:Chandler, this is a professional massage.

Chandler:I know, I know, I'm sorry... oh God, right there... yes...

Chandler:What do you think Monica's hiding in her closet?

Joey:I don't know, but my money's on Richard.

Chandler:Richard? Why would she hide Richard in her closet?

Joey:Because that's what you do with your exes, man. You just shove 'em in a closet and hope nobody finds out.

Joey:You can have your cake and eat it too.

Chandler:No, you can't. That's the whole point of the saying.

Joey:No, no, no. See, what if you cut the cake in half, eat one half, and keep the other half in a safe place?

Chandler:Joey, that's not what the saying means.

Joey:Why not? You still have cake, and you ate cake. You had it and you ate it.

Chandler:Oh my God. Did you just come up with that right now?

Joey:Maybe there's something really valuable in there. Like a secret treasure or something.

Chandler:Or maybe it's just a closet, Joe.

Joey:No, no, no. What if it's like, a dead body? What if there's a dead body in there?

Monica:Joey!

Joey:And what if the dead body is like, a famous dead body? Like Marilyn Monroe or something?

Ross:That's not how that works.

Joey:Or what if it's a serial killer? What if there's a serial killer living in our closet and at night he comes out and...

Chandler:Could those bugs BE any more flesh-eating?

Chandler:There are no bugs, Joey! You're imagining things!

Joey:They're real, Chandler. I can feel them crawling on me.

Chandler:Oh my God, okay, you know what? I am done with these invisible bugs. They're not real, and I'm not going to sit here and pretend that they are!

Joey:Hey, I broke my thumb. Thank God we're in a hospital.

Chandler:You know what? Maybe Joey's right. Maybe there IS a bug in here.

Chandler:I mean, think about it - things keep disappearing, strange noises at night...

Chandler:It all makes perfect sense now. There's definitely a bug in my closet.

Joey:Yeah, have you ever had a contraction?

Doctor:No, I haven't.

Joey:Well, then I don't think you should be using the word 'mild.'

Rachel:Thank you for being so calm during that scare.

Joey:Calm? Rachel, I was terrified! I have no idea what I'm doing.

Joey:I was just pretending because you looked scared and I didn't want to make it worse.

Rachel:Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna contract your uterus!

Doctor:I don't have a uterus.

Rachel:Then I'm gonna contract it even harder!

Ross:Well, most women don't actually feel the contractions.

Rachel:Ross, I'm pretty sure if a woman is having a baby, she's gonna feel something.

Rachel:Did you go to the movies alone?

Ross:What? No, I... oh my God, I forgot about my date with Emily!

Ross:I have to go back in.

Chandler:Why? What did you forget?

Ross:My... my jacket.

Chandler:You're not wearing a jacket.

Ross:I know.

Ross:Yeah, because nothing says 'wonderful father' like a guy who thinks candy is a food group.

Joey:Do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler:Why would I have a bobby pin?

Joey:I don't know, I'm just asking.

Chandler:Do I look like I have a bobby pin? I'm not a woman, and I'm not a little girl.

Chandler:I'm not a 9-year-old girl.

Joey:Yeah, a 9-year-old girl could throw better than you.

Chandler:So what's going on with you and Rachel?

Joey:Well, at first I didn't like her, then I liked her, then I loved her, then I didn't like her, then I liked her again, then I loved her again, and now I don't like her.

Chandler:So you're back to not liking her?

Joey:Yeah, but now I'm thinking of killing myself.

Joey:Yeah, and I'm guessing you just *happen* to have a bobby pin on you?

Chandler:You're right, you're right. There's nothing wrong with helping Rachel.

Chandler:Except for the fact that you're sleeping with her!

Chandler:Richard? Richard, I know you're in there. Come on out. We can talk about this like two mature adults.

Chandler:Look, I'm not mad. Well, I am mad, but I'm trying not to be. That's very mature of me, don't you think?

Phoebe:I raised my rates because I was trying to cause pain to stop the sex noises from the apartment next door, but it actually made them worse.

Chandler:I was just... demonstrating a back massage technique. Very therapeutic.

Chandler:So, how about that weather?

Phoebe:Well, she wears earplugs because she doesn't want to hear anything. Or maybe she's training to be a deep-sea diver. But probably the first one.

Phoebe:I have other clients who make those noises.

Phoebe:I mean lovers.

Chandler:Wow, look at you! You're standing exactly like Joey!

Ross:Yeah, well, I once ate a bad clam and couldn't eat clams for years. So I totally understand how you feel.

Rachel:That's not the same thing, Ross. Joey didn't accidentally poison you with a clam.

Ross:No, but the psychological trauma is very similar.

Rachel:I'm not eating carbs anymore.

Joey:Rachel, we need to talk about our living situation.

Rachel:Oh my God. Oh my God, is this about... are you seeing someone else?

Joey:What? No!

Rachel:Because if you want to move out, just tell me. We can work through this. We have something special here.

Joey:Rachel, it's not like that. I just think—

Rachel:No, don't. Don't say it's not you, it's me. I already know it's me. It's always me!

Ross:It wouldn't be romantic anyway. We'd just be two people staring at dinosaur bones.

Ross:Wait... what was I talking about? Oh God, I forgot about Emily again!

Rachel:This is actually... really normal for us.

Joey:Well, you know, I do have my moments.

Monica:No! No, no, no! You can't tell anyone about this!

Chandler:What is this? Sanford and Son?

Monica:Okay, so everything in this closet is color-coded and alphabetized by fabric weight and seasonal rotation...

Monica:Actually, you know what? Forget it. I'm sick. I'm a sick woman. Look at this mess!

Monica:Oh no, Chandler's going to hate this mess. He's so organized.

Chandler:Actually, Monica, your mess isn't the problem. It's your obsessive need to organize everything that drives me crazy.

Joey:I'm dealing with Rachel moving out by treating expired orange juice like alcohol. This stuff has a real kick to it!

Joey:I'm better off alone now that Rachel moved out. I don't need anyone.

Joey:I'm a lone wolf. A solitary creature, wandering the earth with no one to care for me or about me.

Joey:I'll die alone, forgotten, my body discovered weeks later by the landlord.

Joey:Can someone please hold me?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, just relax. Let the tension go.

Chandler:Oh God, that feels amazing.

Phoebe:Yeah? You like that?

Chandler:Oh yes, yes, right there!

Phoebe:Don't be shy. Let me hear you.