The One With The Birthing Video

Rachel:I can't believe you made us watch the Discovery Channel again. It's just... it's just animals eating other animals for like eight hours.

Ross:Rachel, that's not fair. There's also beautiful cinematography and—

Rachel:And narration by a man who sounds like he's constantly disappointed in nature.

Gunther:She's touching the coffee cup. That lucky cup.

Phoebe:Hey, you know what? I'll flash you if it'll make you feel better.

Joey:Really?

Phoebe:Yeah, why not? Come on, cheer up!

Joey:Thanks Phoebe, but I'm gonna have to pass. Maybe some other time.

Gunther:Can I get you anything?

Joey:You know, Gunther, that's a question I ask myself every day. Do I want anything? Yes. Do I want *everything*? Perhaps. But there's one thing I want more than anything in this world, and it's something I can never have. It's a love that burns like a thousand suns, yet remains forever out of reach. A passion so deep, so profound, that it consumes my very soul.

Gunther:Can I get you a coffee?

Gunther:You know what you need, Joey? Red bagels. They're like regular bagels, but red.

Joey:Yeah, okay. Red bagels. Why not?

Ross:I am not uptight about crumbs!

Joey:Really? Because I left a half-eaten meatball sub in your couch cushions last week.

Ross:See?!

Ross:Well, you see, the crumbs attract the mice, and the mice leave the droppings, which attract the larger rodents, which attract the snakes, and then the ecosystem collapses!

Joey:Dude, I just leave some pizza on the coffee table!

Ross:Exactly! Do you know how the Dark Ages started?

Ross:It's like the plague!

Ross:Well, not the plague exactly. Yersinia pestis. But you know what I mean.

Ross:Actually, they weren't rats, they were fleas. The fleas carried the plague.

Joey:You know what you need? You need to watch more TV. Mindless TV. Like, a lot of it.

Ross:Mona is so supportive. She really tries to understand my work.

Ross:Look at the baby gift she got — it's a dinosaur mobile.

Ross:But she labeled all the dinosaurs wrong. They're not even from the same period.

Ross:She's trying so hard, but... it's actually kind of painful to watch.

Joey:Yeah, what is she trying to do, make the rest of us look bad?

Ross:So the father's name is also Cookie? Cookie and Cookie are having a baby?

Ross:Wait, so your name is Cookie?

Joey:No, that's just what everyone calls me.

Ross:What's your real name?

Joey:Cookie.

Ross:I need new friends.

Monica:Come here, I want to show you something in the bathroom.

Chandler:Oh, Monica, I'm a little tired tonight. Maybe we could just—

Monica:Just come look!

Chandler:Fine, fine. But I'm telling you, I'm exhausted. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's very nice, but I really don't think I have the energy to—

Monica:[Shows him]

Chandler:Oh. Oh my. Well. That's... that's very... I mean, obviously I'm a mature man who can appreciate the finer things, but wow. Yes. Okay. I lied. I have energy.

Chandler:Why don't you want my opinion?

Monica:Because the last time you gave me your opinion on lingerie, you said it made me look like a 'sausage casing.'

Monica:So Ross, as my big brother, I need your opinion on something.

Monica:Do you think I'm attractive?

Monica:So which lingerie would make Chandler want to sleep with me?

Ross:The kind that's in the room where he's sleeping.

Phoebe:I brought someone to cheer up Joey!

Joey:Oh yeah? Who?

Phoebe:I got you a dog! He's really good with his mouth.

Joey:What?

Phoebe:And he loves going down on people.

Chandler:I'm sorry, what?

Phoebe:He's very affectionate! He jumps right in your lap and licks your face.

Phoebe:I have a furry playmate for you!

Joey:Oh yeah? Who is it?

Phoebe:My cat!

Joey:Your cat? I thought you were setting me up with Jane again.

Phoebe:Well, he looks like Jane.

Monica:Jane? Who's Jane?

Phoebe:Ugly Jane from high school.

Phoebe:I mean, so what if you're heartbroken? There are people in the world dying of starvation.

Joey:Pheebs, that doesn't make me feel better.

Phoebe:Well, it's not supposed to make you feel better. It's supposed to make you feel worse about yourself.

Joey:We're gonna have so much fun!

Phoebe:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't have sex with the dog!

Monica:I'm going to go slip into something more comfortable.

Chandler:Oh, I like where this is going.

Monica:Yeah? Well, I'm putting on sweatpants and a t-shirt because these heels are killing me.

Chandler:Oh my God! Monica made a video!

Chandler:This is it. This is the one.

Chandler:Wait, what is this? What am I watching?

Chandler:Oh! Oh! Oh my!

Chandler:Is that... two women?

Chandler:Monica likes women?!

Chandler:Wait, that's not... Oh God, what is happening?

Chandler:She made this for me. She really does love me.

Chandler:Oh yes! Oh yeah! This is—wait, what is that? Oh God. Oh God no. NO! NO NO NO!

Chandler:I can't unsee that. I can't unsee that!

Joey:Hey, you want to go get some food? I know this great place... Oh, you like that? Yeah, me too. You seem like a really smart dog. You probably read a lot, huh? Yeah, I can tell by your eyes.

Joey:Here, boy! Fetch!

Joey:Where'd it go? I just threw it...

Joey:Oh man, I forgot I threw the ball.

Rachel:What's the dog's name?

Joey:Cheese.

Rachel:Cheese? That's not a real dog name.

Joey:Well, it's easier to remember than whatever the owner said it was.

Rachel:Oh, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Rachel:Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Why can't I stop? I have a meeting with Bloomingdale's in twenty minutes!

Rachel:Hi Mr. Buyer, I'm here to pitch our new line of—of—of pretty, pretty clothes for all the pretty ladies!

Joey:Okay, okay, look. I'm gonna level with you here, buddy. You seem like a good listener, alright? So here's the thing... I love her. I really do. But she doesn't even know I exist, you know? Well, she knows I exist, but not like... not like THAT.

Joey:And the worst part? The worst part is watching her with other guys. It kills me, man. It just kills me. But what am I gonna do, right? I can't just tell her how I feel because then I'd lose her completely.

Joey:So here I am, pouring my heart out to a dog. A dog! This is my life now. You're literally the only one who gets me.

Joey:You understand, right? You're a guy.

Joey:Well, you were a guy.

Chandler:Well, I don't know how to put this delicately... I mean, they're showing things dilating to ten centimeters. Do you have any idea how big ten centimeters is? That's huge! That's like... grapefruit huge!

Chandler:And then they just... they just keep going! The whole thing is just... I can't unsee this. I can't!

Monica:What? I got you porn! Just not the birthing video.

Monica:So the pizza delivery guy shows up, and she's not even home. So he leaves the pizza on the doorstep. Then he comes back the next day with a coupon.

Monica:But she's still not home! So he leaves a note that says 'call me.' Which is actually kind of sweet.

Monica:Then the next day he brings her flowers and... okay, this is where it gets good. She finally answers the door in this tiny outfit—

Monica:And they have this whole conversation about their feelings before anything happens. It's actually very romantic.

Monica:Wait, four stars? That's... that's not a rating system, that's a warning label!

Monica:Chandler, it's not that bad. Women do it all the time.

Chandler:Not that bad? Monica, I just watched a human being exit another human being. That's not childbirth, that's an alien movie!

Monica:Oh come on, you're being dramatic.

Chandler:Dramatic? I'm traumatized! You know how people who watch Jaws get afraid of the ocean? I just watched Jaws: The Home Edition.

Monica:You need to get back on the horse.

Monica:So I'm gonna put on these sexy clothes, and if we don't have sex, I'm changing out of them.

Monica:Oh my God. Oh my God. No wonder my mother hates me.

Mona:I got you saltwater taffy!

Ross:Actually, it's not really saltwater taffy. Taffy is a type of candy made by stretching a mixture of butter, sugar, and other ingredients. The 'saltwater' part refers to the historical association with seaside resorts, but there's no actual saltwater in it. It's more accurately described as a chewy confection with salt flavoring added post-production.

Mona:...Thanks?

Ross:Actually, saltwater taffy gets its name from Atlantic City, where it was first made in the 1880s. The salt water is essential to the texture, creating that perfect chewy consistency through the crystallization process.

Mona:That's not interesting.

Mona:That's not interesting.

Ross:Not interesting? It's fascinating! Paleontology is the study of prehistoric life forms, and the way their skeletal structures evolved is absolutely riveting.

Mona:...

Ross:You know what? You're right. It's not interesting. So, uh, how about those Knicks?

Mona:What, so you're saying I should just walk up to him and tell him I like him? Just like that? Out of nowhere? And then ask him to dinner? That's insane!

Joey:No, it's not insane. It works.

Mona:Yeah, okay. And then what? He's just gonna say yes? We'll go out, have a nice meal, maybe see a movie after? And then he'll want to see me again? And we'll start dating?

Mona:I mean, can you imagine? You're dating someone, and they have all these ex-girlfriends just... hanging around. It's ridiculous!

Ross:Mona...

Ross:Have you ever had saltwater taffy?

Phoebe:No, my mother never took me to the beach. She was too busy trying to kill herself.

Ross:I'm going to butter her up first, you know? Take her to dinner, tell her how much she means to me, maybe some flowers, and then I'll tell her about Rachel.

Chandler:So basically you're going to wine her, dine her, and then break her heart?

Ross:Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Phoebe:Oh, wow. A guy who's gonna dump you for his ex-girlfriend. What are the odds?

Phoebe:Wait, is this supposed to be chewy or crunchy? Because it's doing both and I'm very concerned.

Monica:It's taffy, Pheebs. It's supposed to be chewy.

Phoebe:But my tooth just went crunch! I heard it! Did you hear that?

Chandler:That might have been your actual tooth.

Phoebe:Oh my God. Is it supposed to take this long to chew? I feel like I'm at the dentist, but it tastes like the ocean threw up.

Ross:So what was your best date ever?

Phoebe:Oh, well there was this one guy who took me to this really nice sushi restaurant.

Phoebe:We had sake, we had some nice fish...

Phoebe:And then we went back to his place and freed all the animals from the medical lab he worked at.

Ross:You what?!

Phoebe:Yeah, it was really romantic.

Ross:Wait, wait. You freed laboratory monkeys?

Phoebe:Yeah, like seven years ago.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God! That's it!

Ross:That explains the monkey attack!

Ross:A monkey got loose from the lab and attacked me.

Phoebe:Oh my God, are you okay?

Ross:Well, it bit me on the arm and scratched my face, but I'm fine.

Phoebe:That's horrible! Did they catch it?

Ross:Yeah, they tranquilized it. But Phoebe, this is YOUR fault. You're the one who's always talking about 'freeing the animals.'

Phoebe:I never said free the research monkeys!

Phoebe:It's like... it would never work between us. It's impossible.

Ross:Why? What do you mean?

Phoebe:Well, you know how you feel about cats? Like, you really hate them?

Ross:I don't hate cats...

Phoebe:Well, that's how I feel about you. Except you're a person.

Phoebe:Excuse us for a second?

Joey:Oh, sure.

Phoebe:No, you have to leave.

Joey:Oh!

Phoebe:Look at him. He used to be so happy, and now he's just... depressed. See? He's not even eating.

Phoebe:Wait, he's eating now. See, that's how depressed he is — he eats even though he's miserable.

Joey:Oh my God, what have I done? I've turned him into me!

Chandler:Joey, he's a dog. He doesn't have depression.

Joey:No, look at him! He used to be happy! Now he just sits there, staring at nothing, probably thinking about how his life didn't turn out the way he wanted.

Monica:Joey, that's just how dogs look sometimes.

Joey:I've damaged him! Psychologically! He's going to need therapy now. Dog therapy. And it's going to be MY fault!

Joey:Okay, look, I feel terrible about the dog. I think... I think I broke it.

Joey:I don't know what I did wrong. I followed all the instructions, but it just stopped working.

Joey:Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Rachel:I love saltwater taffy.

Ross:Well, actually, it's not really saltwater. The name is a bit of a misnomer. It's primarily made from sugar, corn syrup, butter, and cornstarch, with salt added for flavor, but the actual salt content is minimal, and there's no actual saltwater in the—

Rachel:Well, actually, it's not really saltwater. The name is a bit of a misnomer. It's primarily made from sugar, corn syrup, butter, and cornstarch, with salt added for flavor, but the actual salt content is minimal, and there's no actual saltwater in the—

Rachel:Ross made me watch this entire documentary about candy manufacturing.

Rachel:That's how I know taffy is made!

Ross:She's very emotional.

Mona:Emotional how?

Ross:No, I mean like... mentally unstable.

Mona:Why does Rachel have food delivered all the time?

Ross:Well, she's really pushing the envelope. Most people just go to the restaurant, but Rachel? She makes them come to her.

Ross:Oh, sweatpants. I'm sure Mona will love that.

Rachel:What?

Ross:Nothing, nothing. It's just... you know, most people, when they're trying to impress their boyfriend's girlfriend, they might wear something a little more...

Rachel:Oh please, I live here!

Ross:I have a surprise for you.

Mona:Let me guess—another ex-girlfriend, another love child, or are we going straight to bigamy this time?

Rachel:I can't go back to my place. I'm living here now.

Chandler:That video haunted me. I couldn't get the image out of my head for weeks. And then my therapist said, 'Well, your father used to have sex with the maid.' I said, 'Yeah, I KNOW!'

Chandler:I'm willing to make that traumatic family scene my computer background to avoid birthing imagery.

Rachel:Wait, so you're comfortable doing underwear yoga in front of everyone, but you won't talk about your breakup with Mona?

Ross:That's different! That's exercise, this is personal!

Chandler:It's the miracle of life! It's beautiful! It's... oh my God, I'm gonna be sick.

Phoebe:I'm not going to have a baby come out of me. I'm going to have it delivered by a stork.

Monica:A stork?

Phoebe:Yeah, I've been very good this year.

Monica:Oh my God, we can't keep hiding under here!

Chandler:Well, we can't exactly go out there. Joey's still eating that sandwich.

Monica:Chandler, we're literally crouched under a table like animals.

Chandler:Yeah, but at least we're not making a mess like Joey does.

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! The baby's trying to kill the mother! Why is it doing that? Get it out! Get it out of there!

Rachel:Look at this part!

Chandler:Oh no, what happened? Did someone die? Is someone dying? Will someone die?

Ross:She said I was too into my work, I didn't listen, I was self-absorbed, and apparently I have some 'unresolved issues' with my ex-wife.

Ross:Oh, and she didn't like that I kept correcting her grammar.

Ross:Which, by the way, she was doing it wrong.

Ross:I mean, why did Mona put up with me for so long?

Chandler:Because she liked you?

Ross:Yeah, but I was a terrible boyfriend! I was always comparing her to Rachel, I was obsessed with my work, I never listened to her...

Monica:So what are you saying?

Ross:I'm saying it's Mona's fault for not leaving me sooner!

Ross:Joey, I totally understand what you're going through. I mean, when Rachel and I broke up, I was devastated. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't... well, let's just say my... performance in certain areas was significantly affected for several months.

Joey:Dude, I did not need to know that.

Joey:I like her, but it can't happen.

Ross:Why not? Is she your sister?

Joey:I don't hate everyone at work.

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah, I'm just negative all the time to protect your feelings.

Joey:Look, Chandler's my best friend. I gotta look out for him.

Chandler:Aww, that's sweet Joey.

Joey:But don't think this means you can start hanging out with my other friends without me!

Chandler:I wouldn't dream of it.

Phoebe:I brought you some warm milk to help you sleep.

Phoebe:I put a little something special in it.

Ross:So who is it? Who's the woman?

Joey:It's... it's Rachel.

Ross:Rachel?! Rachel Green?!

Joey:Yeah.

Rachel:Wait, so she's not sure who the father is? That's the plot?

Rachel:Wait, that's not how that works.

Rachel:That would never result in pregnancy.

Rachel:I mean, scientifically speaking, that's just not... that's not medically possible.