The One with the Birthing Video

Something really boring happened to someone ugly in the Middle Ages.

That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.

Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?

Thanks. Maybe later.

I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love! I want her to love me back. And I want relief from the wrenching pain of knowing that won't happen!

We have red bagels.

Okay.

There was a drumstick in the couch.

And that's how the plague started. If you wanna relive that again...

Mice didn't start the plague, rats did. 'Rattus norvegicus', to be exact.

Oh, good God, Ross. Nick at Nite, once in a while.

She even got the baby a T-shirt that says 'Fossils are my friends'.

Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.

Candy's the mom, Cookie's the daughter. The father's name is also Cookie.

Why am I friends with these people?

Monica, grow up.

You don't want my opinion? Not really.

Which one would make your best friend want to do your little sister?

The red one.

Right outside is a real, live, furry playmate.

I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.

Who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.

I borrow him when I get really depressed about world hunger or poverty. Not to trivialize your pain.

Oh, not that kind of fun.

I'm slipping into something a bit less comfortable and a bit more slutty.

Monica got me porn? Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!

Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!

You're cute, but you're not too smart.

Did I just throw this?

I don't know his real name. I call him Mozzarella.

I hope I stop talking like this before my meeting. Yes, I do. Bye-bye, Joey. Seriously, I can't stop it.

That's Rachel. She used to live here. Might as well be honest with you. We love her. But we can't have her.

Well, you used to be.

It's yelling, bleeding, dilating. Oh, the dilating!

If you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine's Day... you were right.

It's about a girl who moves to the city in search of stardom... but ends up having sex with a lot of guys.

Wait a minute. Those aren't stars.

Remember the first time you saw 'Jaws'... how long it took to go back in the water?

Otherwise, the horse will go change back into sweatpants.

Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!

Interestingly, it isn't made with seawater. It's actually made with salted fresh water.

That's not interesting.

I think it's interesting. Me too. I missed you!

Joey cracks me up. 'Have your ex-wife move in. That wouldn't be awkward.'

Imagine, I go away for a few days... and my boyfriend is living with a woman he got pregnant.

My mom was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.

I'll tell her my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.

If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.

What the crap is up with this stuff? Is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal?

Last year Greg took me to sushi... then we trashed a nearby research lab and freed 20 monkeys.

I knew it. I knew I wasn't crazy.

Last year a monkey did attack me at the bus stop.

It'd be like you falling in love with a cat.

Oh, me, right.

He's breathing.

God, what have I done to you?

I broke the dog, Pheebs! I broke the dog!

Interestingly, it isn't made with seawater...

We actually watched the documentary together.

And by emotional, I mean crazy!

Yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.

And you thought she was gonna be in our way!

You got another ex-wife back there?

But, Mona, I live here.

Till now, the worst thing I'd seen was my dad doing shots off the houseboy.

After this, I would gladly make that my screen saver.

We watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes.

It's ironic how footage of someone being born... can make you want to kill yourself.

But the stork is gonna bring mine.

But you leave a drumstick under there and you're a bad roommate.

Why is that baby torturing that woman?

Did her ass explode?

I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment and then had the locks changed. Then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me.

In a way, I judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.

You know, actually, once I got dumped during sex.

She's not a Tribbiani?

I only say that... so Chandler won't feel threatened because I'm his only friend.

Sorry. And I'm your only friend too.

I'm gonna put the bourbon in it at home.

It's Rachel.

I wonder which one of these guys becomes the father?

Nope, can't get pregnant that way.