The One Where Joey Tells Rachel

Joey:Hey, uh, Ross? You know what? You're looking really good today. Have you been working out?

Ross:What? Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:Nothing! I'm just saying, those pants are really... they're a great cut on you.

Ross:Okay, stop it.

Ross:Joey, I heard what you said about Rachel. You have feelings for her?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That wasn't me, man. That was just... that was just the actor in me. You know how we are—we're very passionate people. We say things we don't mean all the time.

Ross:So you don't have feelings for Rachel?

Joey:Of course not! I'm an actor, Ross. I act. Sometimes the lines just come out, you know? It's like a disease.

Ross:Rachel?!

Monica:The baby's kicking!

Chandler:Even the baby's rejecting me.

Phoebe:Well, I mean, Russell Crowe is my soul mate. I just haven't met him yet.

Monica:Phoebe, Russell Crowe is not your soul mate.

Phoebe:Oh, you don't know that! He could be! I mean, we have so much in common.

Rachel:Like what?

Phoebe:Well, we're both very talented, we're both very good-looking, and we've both been in a lot of movies.

Chandler:Tall with brown hair? Wow, that's funny, because that's exactly what I am! What are the odds? A tall guy with brown hair in New York City? That's like finding a needle in a haystack! Or a Starbucks!

Chandler:Yeah, well, I'm the guy she settled for.

Chandler:So you won't date Monica's soul mate?

Phoebe:Well, it depends. What's he do for a living?

Chandler:He's a doctor.

Phoebe:A doctor? Oh my God, yes! I love doctors. They make so much money, and they can write prescriptions. Plus, they always know the best restaurants.

Ross:Rachel?!

Monica:Okay, so Joey has a crush on Rachel. It's not that weird.

Ross:Not that weird? Monica, I'm in love with her!

Monica:I know, but think about it like this - it's like when I had a crush on Chandler.

Ross:What? You had a crush on Chandler?

Monica:Yeah, before I realized he was the one. And he's still around, everything's fine!

Ross:Except Joey isn't going to end up with Rachel and have a family!

Monica:Well, not with that attitude.

Monica:It's like when you have a hangnail and you can't stop playing with it, even though you know you shouldn't.

Ross:Monica, I'm begging you to never compare anything to a hangnail again.

Ross:Yeah, because Joey's never had any luck with women before.

Ross:Why do you want to move to Vermont?

Joey:I don't know, man. It sounds nice.

Monica:Wait, isn't Vermont like, right next to New York?

Ross:Yes, Monica, it's right next to New York.

Monica:So why is it called VER-mont? Shouldn't it be called VER-new york?

Monica:You need to talk to Joey about this soon.

Ross:I know, I know.

Joey:Hey, what's going on? Wait, is this about Vermont? Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not moving to another country!

Ross:Joey, Vermont is a state.

Joey:No it's not! It's like... it's Vermont! It's its own thing!

Chandler:And this is where the magic happens.

Chandler:I mean, what is the deal with sun-dried tomatoes? They're just regular tomatoes that have been sitting in the sun too long.

Don:I know, right? I haven't trusted them since 1987.

Chandler:A venti half-caf, oat milk, sugar-free vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso and a sprinkle of cinnamon... which I'm calling a 'Chandler.'

Chandler:I believe in a lot of things. I believe that if you work hard you can achieve anything. I believe that there's no 'I' in team. I believe that if you eat a whole wheel of cheese you will get very sick.

Joey:So you're not mad? You're not gonna hit me?

Ross:No, Joey, I'm not gonna hit you.

Joey:What if I just stand here and you punch me in the stomach?

Ross:I'm not punching you.

Joey:Okay, okay. What if you just kick me? Just once, in the leg?

Ross:Joey—

Joey:Or I could run into a door! You could push me into a door!

Ross:Why would I do that?

Joey:Because you're mad at me! You should be mad at me!

Ross:Hey Joey, you got any beer?

Joey:No, man. All I got is what Rachel left behind. Strawberry daiquiri mix, some kind of peach schnapps thing...

Ross:That's it?

Joey:Hey, I'm a bachelor. This is what happens.

Ross:You should tell Rachel how you feel.

Joey:Dude, what melon drink did you have?

Joey:How do I tell Rachel? What do I even say to her?

Ross:Well, you could start by being honest.

Joey:Honest? Ross, I can't be honest! If I'm honest, she'll know I'm in love with her!

Ross:Okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I can be supportive, I can be your friend, but I cannot sit here and listen to you talk about being in love with Rachel.

Chandler:You work with cheese? That's funny, because I work with... a lot of things. Staplers, mostly. And papers. And... the sadness.

Chandler:I don't hate blue cheese!

Monica:Yes, you do. You always say it tastes like a tire fire.

Chandler:A tire fire is a very specific smell, Monica. I'm just saying it's not for me.

Monica:I have this whole fantasy about going to France and eating all these amazing foods. There's this bakery, and the croissants are so buttery, and then there's this bistro where they make duck confit, and—

Monica:You know what? This all goes back to my mother never letting us have fun foods growing up. She was always on some crazy diet, so now I'm obsessed with it.

Monica:Is it made of cheese?

Don · Monica:No. A house made of cheese, wouldn't that be incredible? / I'd move in tomorrow!

Phoebe:Well, you're gonna have to choose. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Rachel:We should talk about this in the hallway.

Joey:Oh, absolutely. Important conversations? Hallway. That's where all the serious stuff goes down. I once broke up with a girl in a hallway. Well, I tried to. She thought I was just being friendly and followed me back into the apartment.

Monica:Does anybody ever knock anymore? You guys just walk in here like you own the place!

Chandler:Jeez!

Monica:Cheese?

Chandler:No, I said 'Jeez,' not 'cheese.'

Monica:Oh my God, you have more cheese? Where?!

Monica:Do you believe in soul mates?

Chandler:Soul mates? No, I don't believe in soul mates. I think you can care deeply about a person and enjoy their company immensely, but... *in exaggerated British accent* a 'soul mayte'? No, I don't think so.

Chandler:So we could live in a cheese house!

Monica:A cheese house? Chandler, it would go bad. It would smell. We'd have mice.

Rachel:Joey, could you take off your sweater?

Joey:Why? What are you gonna do?

Rachel:I just want to see the Calvin and Hobbes comic on the back.

Joey:Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Rachel:Wait, so you're saying Calvin is always trying to get Hobbes to do... that?

Rachel:Joey, that's a comic strip about a little boy and his stuffed tiger!

Rachel:Although, I guess if you read it that way, it does explain why his parents are always so concerned...

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Just give me a second.

Waiter:Okay.

Waiter:One Mississippi.

Joey:I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you something... something I've been holding inside for a long time.

Waiter:Can I get anyone any drinks?

Joey:No! No, dude, I'm in the middle of something here!

Waiter:Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll come back.

Joey:Yeah, you do that. And while you're doing that, think about the difference between being a waiter and being a human being!

Joey:Rachel, I'm in love with you.

Rachel:No, you're not.

Joey:Yes, I am.

Rachel:No, you're not! You just think you are because we've been spending so much time together, and you're lonely, and I'm... I'm convenient.

Joey:Rachel—

Rachel:And it's not real, Joey. It's not real, and deep down you know that.

Joey:It is real.

Rachel:Okay, well... I don't know what you want me to say.

Joey:I'm outta here.

Rachel:Wait! Joey, I'm pregnant.

Joey:What?

Rachel:I'm pregnant. With your baby.

Joey:That's... that's great!

Joey:So... that was weird, right?

Rachel:Super weird.

Joey:I mean, we were just joking around.

Rachel:Totally joking. Classic us.

Joey:Ha ha, remember when we said all that stuff?

Rachel:Hilarious. The funniest thing that's ever happened to us.

Waiter:One of the customers might be dying.

Waitress:Oh my God, which one?

Waiter:I'm not sure yet.

Waitress:Well, let me know. I'm hoping it's Rachel so I can hit on Joey.