The One with the Baby Shower

What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking.

Well, given that we forgot to invite her... it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.

Well, I don't have a mother. So often I forget other people--

Oh, give it a rest.

Wait a minute. If you're in charge of invitations, why am I calling her?

I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.

For not inviting me, or for lying about it?

Oh, my God. My ass is sweating.

Isn't it at 3? - Son of a bitch.

You'll be perfect for this. That's already your name.

Okay, I guess we can lose to junior-high girls some other time.

Bamboozled? - Isn't that a cool name? - Yeah. - No.

Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue Third World nations. Hi, Rasputin.

It's Bogoda, but close enough.

Higher or lower than what? - This is embarrassing.

I'm sorry. I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.

Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.

Try.

Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.

I gotta go powder my ass.

Look at that face. Just like when you were in high school. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble.

It's like you're a cave person.

I actually think I remember some of it: [SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

I just had the greatest idea. I'm gonna come live with you.

Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes. - Yes, yes, I do.

No, dude, you gotta hold your breath till you're ready to answer the question. It's part of the game.

This is ridiculous. He's not gonna hold-- [Ross starts holding his breath]

Fear of Triscuits. - No. No. Fear of the number 13. - Fear of Triscuits?

It's possible. They have really sharp edges.

Oh, come on, Ross. I think we're all losers here.

Choose, you jackass.

This game is kind of fun. - You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points--? - I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.

She can't hear you.

Oh, my God. She's gonna wanna sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen.

And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

I have new respect for Chandler.

Well, um, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute. But thank you so much, dear, for bringing that to everybody's attention.

How about you less important people? Let's open your presents.

Really? Remember Twinkles? - He was a hamster. I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby.

Is that a beer bong for a baby?

Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that.

Well, that's gross. Why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a Dumpster?

You're gonna do that 10 times a day? - What, it goes 10 times a day?

What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?

I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table? [ALL GASP]

Of course, I know that. I mean, of course you never leave a baby alone. Ha, ha. I mean, it would-- She wouldn't be safe. You know, not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Ha, ha.

It's actually a bassinet. - Okay, Mommy, don't ever leave me.

[MIMICS MONKEY GIBBERING] - That noise can only mean one thing. - Hungry Monkey.

But you forgot to switch legs between questions. So no Hopping Bonus. - Oh! Every time.

Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross. Because, Chandler... you've been Bamboozled. - No! - Yes! - This is the best game ever!

Oh, can I throw up in my Diaper Genie?

I just Bamboozled Chandler. - Which is not a sexual thing.

Well, that was a quick shower. - Not if you were here.

A Play-Doh Barbershop? - No. She's going to live with us for eight weeks.

Hi, Ross. - Hey, roomie.

[IN EMBELLISHED VOICE] It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.

What's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance... past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey. You yank his tail, and boom, you're in Paradise Pond.

Well, what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?

Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores. - [IN EMBELLISHED VOICE] Let's play Bamboozled.

Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

With another woman. - Have you no control, Ross?

Hello? I still don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Nothing. You have apologized to her like a million times. And she's been nothing but terrible to you. And don't forget, you just threw her daughter a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower.

Maybe it's time you took a good, hard look in the mirror, young lady. - Old lady. - Lady.

Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

I can't feel my legs.

[THUDDING] - Okay. I bit my tongue. But I'm still really sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. You've been Bamboozled. You're gonna be a terrible mother.

I've lost sight of why we're doing this.