The One With The Baby Shower

Rachel:I'm shocked. Shocked! My sisters are skipping an event with no men and no alcohol? How is that even possible?

Rachel:Will my mom be at the shower?

Monica:About that...

Monica:We may have forgotten to invite her.

Phoebe:I don't have a mother, so I forget other people have them.

Phoebe:Well, when I was a kid, my mother used to lock me in the closet...

Monica:Phoebe, we've heard this one. Can you just eat your sandwich?

Monica:Hi Mrs. Green? It's Monica Geller. I'm calling to invite you to... oh my God, what am I doing? You're Rachel's mother. Why am I calling you to invite you to something for Rachel?

Monica Geller:It's just an impromptu little shower.

Sandra Green:Impromptu? Monica, I've had this invitation for a month!

Monica:Mrs. Green, I am so sorry!

Sandra Green:Oh honey, you're going to have to be more specific. Which thing are you apologizing for?

Monica:Oh God, oh God, oh God!

Monica:I can explain everything!

Mrs. Green:Can you explain why you told me you were an only child?

Monica:That was... that was just a joke!

Mrs. Green:And that you've never been to Long Island?

Monica:I... I...

Phoebe:Actually, it's at 3.

Monica:Oh, crap!

Chandler:Joey Tribbiani is already your name.

Chandler:We're not going to win. We're going to get crushed by a bunch of junior high girls.

Joey:Bamboozled!

Ross:Oh, come on!

Chandler:I love this game!

Joey:Come on, introduce yourself for the game show practice.

Chandler:Hi, I'm Chandler Bing. I'm a statistical analysis and data reconfiguration... No wait, that's boring. I'm actually a retired spy. I've infiltrated 47 countries, speak 12 languages, and once saved the world with nothing but a paperclip and my charm.

Joey:Bogoda!

Chandler:No, it's Bogotá.

Joey:That's what I said, Bogoda!

Joey:The Wicked Wango Card determines if you go higher or lower.

Chandler:What's a Wicked Wango Card?

Joey:...I don't know.

Joey:Okay, okay, settle down everyone. I am the host of this game show and I will be asking the questions.

Ross:Joey, you don't even know what the game is.

Joey:That doesn't matter! I have the card, I have the suit, and I have this very authoritative voice.

Chandler:You sound like you're selling paper towels.

Joey:I do NOT! And for that comment, you lose a turn.

Monica:Ordering a stripper for the shower is inappropriate.

Phoebe:What if she wore a baby costume?

Monica:We feel terrible about forgetting to invite you.

Phoebe:Yeah, we couldn't feel worse.

Sandra Green:Wanna bet?

Monica:Sandra is still mad at us.

Phoebe:Well, that's good! Now we don't have to invite her to stuff!

Monica:I'm just going to go powder my ass.

Sandra Green:You look like a cheerleader in trouble.

Rachel:I won't use a nanny or housekeeper.

Sandra Green:Oh honey, that's like living in the Dark Ages. You might as well be churning butter and carrying water from a well.

Rachel:Mrs. K taught me Spanish.

Rachel:¿Cómo estás?

Rachel:I can't afford full-time help.

Sandra Green:Well, I'm free. I could help you out.

Sandra Green:Oh honey, are you crying? Happy tears?

Rachel:Yes... tears. From joy.

Sandra Green:That's wonderful!

Rachel:No, actually, these are terror tears.

Joey:Okay, okay. Now hold your breath.

Ross:What? Why?

Joey:Because those are the rules.

Ross:What rules? You just made that up!

Joey:Yeah, well, now it's a rule.

Chandler:That's ridiculous. Holding your breath doesn't work.

Ross:What are you talking about? Of course it works! When you hold your breath, the other person can't—

Ross:...

Chandler:What are you doing?

Ross:Proving my point.

Joey:What's triskaidekaphobia?

Ross:Oh, that's when you're afraid of Triscuits.

Joey:No, no, it's the fear of the number thirteen.

Ross:Right, right, Triscuits. I know what I said.

Ross:No, no, no, it makes perfect sense! 'Trisca' — fear of, 'uits' — Triscuits. It's a perfectly valid phobia!

Chandler:Ross, that's not how words work.

Ross:Oh, and I suppose you have a better explanation?

Joey:Chandler is upset because he's losing.

Chandler:Everyone is losing by playing this terrible game.

Chandler:I don't care which one we pick, they're both fine.

Joey:Dude, you've said that like five times! Just pick one!

Chandler:I literally don't care.

Joey:Oh my God, Chandler, you're the most indecisive person I've ever met! How do you even get dressed in the morning?

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You know what? I'm actually really good at this game. I like this game now.

Ross:Oh come on, Chandler, you can't just start liking it because you're winning.

Chandler:No points for you!

Monica:She can't hear you. She's in the other room.

Rachel:Wait, you want to sleep on the couch?

Rachel:Oh my God, what if you want to sleep in my bed?

Rachel:What if you want to sleep in my bed with me?

Rachel:Oh my God, what if you never leave?

Monica:You should tell your mother you don't need her help. You need to be independent.

Rachel:Really? I thought you liked my mom.

Monica:I do! But... okay, fine. If she's not around helping you all the time, maybe she'll have more time to help me. And then I'll be her favorite.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Monica, you are SO manipulative! You're like Chandler when he plays mind games!

Monica:I am not!

Phoebe:Yes, you are! You totally just pulled a Chandler Bing on us!

Monica:You're the most important person here, so you should open the first gift.

Sandra Green:Oh, well thank you for pointing out that I've been excluded from everything else.

Monica:You're the most important person.

Sandra Green:Oh, so everyone else is less important?

Rachel:I can totally handle a baby. Babies are completely different from hamsters.

Sandra Green:Really? Because I seem to recall a certain incident with 'Twinkles.'

Rachel:That was an accident! I didn't see him in the pile of laundry. How was I supposed to know he was in there before I turned on the vacuum?

Sandra Green:Exactly my point.

Rachel:But a baby won't fit in the vacuum, so...

Rachel:What is this? A beer bong?

Monica:It's a breast pump, Rachel.

Rachel:Oh my God, I was about to say, that seems like a lot of work for a beer.

Rachel:Oh, a breast pump! Of course! I knew that. I was just... testing you.

Rachel:You know, to make sure you knew what it was. Because that's the kind of friend I am.

Rachel:Wait, so it just... keeps them in there? All of them?

Monica:Yeah, it's airtight, so you don't smell them.

Rachel:Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just throw them in a dumpster?

Monica:You're going to throw the baby in the dumpster?

Rachel:What? No! The diapers!

Monica:Oh.

Rachel:I had no idea you had to change them that often!

Rachel:Ten diapers a day? That's so many! I thought babies only went to the bathroom like, twice a day.

Monica:No, it's ten times a day. Babies have very fast metabolisms.

Rachel:Oh my God. Well, that must be because of all the spicy food they eat.

Rachel:I could leave her in the car.

Everyone:*horrified gasps*

Rachel:What? No, no, no! I didn't mean leave the baby alone alone. I just meant like, you know, give the baby some space to, like, develop its own personality.

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm such a baby dummy.

Monica:Rachel, that's a bassinet.

Rachel:Oh my God, I knew that. I was just... testing you.

Rachel:Mom? MOM?! I need you!

Joey:Ooh ooh ooh! Eee eee eee!

Ross:Oh, he's doing 'Hungry Monkey' again.

Chandler:Yeah, we know.

Joey:Wait, you got all the answers right? That's amazing!

Chandler:I know, right? I'm on a roll!

Host:Congratulations! You've won the bonus round! Now, for an extra $10,000, you must switch legs and answer one more question.

Chandler:Switch legs? But I'm on this leg!

Host:Those are the rules. Switch legs or forfeit the bonus.

Chandler:This always happens to me! Why do they always make me switch legs?!

Joey:Just switch, man. Come on!

Chandler:Fine, fine... *switches legs* See? Now I'm gonna lose.

Chandler:Okay, I'm picking a card. This is it. This is my card.

Joey:Alright, you got 'Bamboozled.'

Chandler:What? No, no, no! That's not... I lose everything?

Ross:Yeah, man, those are the rules.

Chandler:Well, this is the worst day of my life. I'm done. I'm moving to Yemen.

Rachel:I don't know anything about babies! What if I do something wrong?

Rachel:Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick. Where's the diaper pail?

Ross:I was playing basketball, okay? I got all sweaty from playing basketball.

Phoebe:Oh, you were playing with balls?

Ross:Yes, Phoebe, basketballs. It's a game. You bounce the ball, you throw it in the hoop.

Phoebe:Oh, okay.

Ross:That shower ended pretty quickly.

Rachel:Yeah, well it felt like forever in there.

Rachel:My mom got us the greatest gift.

Ross:What is it?

Rachel:A new coffee table!

Ross:Oh wow, that's nice.

Rachel:No, that's not it. My mom is moving in with us.

Monica:Mom's moving in with us.

Ross:What? When?

Sandra Green:Hello, roomie!

Joey:Hey, how's it going? I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Joey:I'm an actor. I've been in a lot of TV shows and movies. You might have seen me.

Joey:Ah, well, actually, I prefer the finer things in life. I'm quite the thespian, you know. My craft is very important to me, and I take my work very seriously indeed.

Joey:Too complicated? It's simple! You roll the dice, move your piece around the board, collect cards, build your empire, fight off the dragon, solve the riddle, find the hidden treasure, and whoever reaches Shangri-La first wins!

Joey:A question-answer game? That's boring. That's what all game shows are!

Producer:Hey, look on the bright side. We can get you bikini-clad women to jump around on stage.

Joey:Really? When do we start?

Sandra Green:All this dinosaur stuff should go in the garage.

Sandra Green:I mean, the garbage.

Ross:I have a son with Carol.

Mrs. Green:A son? Ross, how many women are you with?

Ross:No, no, Carol is my ex-wife. We had a son together before we got divorced.

Mrs. Green:Oh. Well, that's still one too many.

Rachel:I'm still here, and I still have no idea what's going on.

Phoebe:What should I do about Mrs. Green being mad at me?

Monica:Well, you shouldn't feel guilty. She's been mean to you for years. Remember when she said your shower curtain was nice, but then asked if you got it at a yard sale?

Monica:You know what, young lady—

Monica:Wait, no, old lady—

Monica:Lady.

Phoebe:Monica, just end it! End it now before it gets worse!

Monica:Mrs. Green, I need to talk to you about what happened at Thanksgiving.

Monica:I can't believe you said those things about me in front of everyone!

Mrs. Green:Monica, I was just being honest.

Monica:Honest?! You called me a control freak who can't let anyone else cook in her kitchen!

Monica:Oh my God, I can't... I can't feel my legs... Why can't I feel my legs?

Monica:Is anyone else hot? I'm sweating. I'm shaking. What is happening to me?

Monica:Mrs. Green, I'm so sorry about what happened at Thanksgiving. I feel terrible and I just want to—

Monica:[falls/runs into something]

Monica:—apologize. As I was saying, I'm really, really sorry.

Ross:Okay Rachel, this is the baby knowledge round. Question one: What do you do if your baby won't stop crying?

Rachel:Um... sing to them?

Ross:I'm sorry, that's incorrect. You're eliminated from motherhood.

Ross:Rachel Green, you are a terrible mother!

Rachel:Wait, what? That's not even a real thing. This is ridiculous.

Rachel:You can't just declare someone a terrible mother based on a game show format!