The One Where Rachel Is Late

Joey:Yeah, check it out. It's a one-sheet from my movie. Look at that — Dolby Digital, 5.1 surround sound. I did that.

Chandler:You did the surround sound?

Joey:Well, I was in it. And it's rated PG-13 — I got it down from an R. Me. I convinced them.

Joey:I'm telling you, I started the Oscar buzz for my movie!

Chandler:That is a lie, and you know it.

Monica:A limo! Oh my God, we're taking a limo to the premiere!

Monica:I love limos. They're so fancy and sleek when you're going to something fun, but they're so dark and depressing when you're going to a funeral.

Rachel:I really miss being pregnant. It was such a magical time.

Rachel:I felt so connected to my body, so alive.

Rachel:Ross?

Rachel:Oh, this is YOUR fault! You got me pregnant!

Ross:What? How is this my fault?

Rachel:You were trying to be helpful!

Rachel:You know what? I wish you could help me. I really do. But unless you can turn into a seahorse, I don't think there's much you can do.

Ross:Why a seahorse?

Rachel:Because the male seahorse is the one who gets pregnant. And I just think that would be fair.

Ross:I know.

Rachel:I mean, wouldn't that be great? We could just switch off every nine months? You carry it for a while, then I carry it...

Ross:Rachel—

Rachel:—and then we could just give it to Phoebe. I mean, she's always saying she wants to have kids. She could just take it.

Monica:I know exactly how you feel. My back is killing me, and I'm so bloated.

Rachel:Oh please. You ate a pizza.

Monica:A big pizza!

Rachel:Monica, I'm carrying a human being inside of me. The only thing you're carrying is leftovers. Now get me some ice cream.

Rachel:Get out! Get out! GET OUT!

Joey:Did you have the baby yet?

Rachel:No, but if you ask me one more time, I'm gonna use this pregnancy weight to sit on you.

Joey:Estelle, what do you mean you sold them online? I asked you for six premiere tickets!

Estelle:Joey, do you know how much these are worth on eBay? I made a killing!

Joey:But those were for my friends! Now I'm sitting next to some random eBay user at my own premiere!

Estelle:That's not my problem, Joey. You want premium tickets, you pay premium prices.

Joey:I only have one ticket to this thing.

Estelle:That's okay, I'll be your plus-one.

Joey:No, no, no - this is for someone special.

Estelle:I AM special, Joey.

Rachel:I don't want to go to the premiere.

Rachel:But I still want to be considered.

Rachel:Does pregnancy make me invisible or something?

Chandler:No, no. I can see you just fine. It's just that you're REALLY hard to miss right now.

Joey:You snooze, you lose, man. That's the rule.

Chandler:He's not snoozing, he's teaching!

Joey:I don't care what you call it. Eyes closed, you're out.

Chandler:Just tell Joey to flip a coin. Heads, he comes with you. Tails, he stays home and practices his acting.

Monica:That's not helpful.

Chandler:No, but it's honest.

Monica:You need to listen to your heart, Joey.

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm listening.

Joey:It's saying... Phoebe. Phoebe. Phoebe.

Joey:My heart's telling me to pick Phoebe.

Joey:My heart's telling me to pick Phoebe.

Chandler:So by that logic, if you ever save my life, I owe you a Porsche.

Monica:It's a great dress, Joey. You'd look amazing in it.

Joey:Thanks, but I'm gonna go with Chandler's suggestion.

Monica:Well, fine. But when you're out there looking like that, don't come crying to me. Actually, you know what? You will look good. You'll look so good that Chandler's gonna regret ever suggesting anything else.

Phoebe:Well, the guys could wear your slutty dress.

Monica:It's not a slutty dress!

Phoebe:Oh honey, I've seen you in that dress. It's a slutty dress.

Joey:I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me, man.

Chandler:Yeah, well, you mean a lot to me too.

Joey:We're like brothers.

Chandler:We are brothers.

Joey:Okay, this is getting too weird.

Chandler:Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Joey:Yeah, me too.

Chandler:You hold her nose, I'll blow in her mouth and the kid'll just... Out of her.

Monica:I bet she has the baby on Christmas Day!

Chandler:Monica, that's like a one in 365 chance.

Monica:Well, I'm feeling lucky!

Rachel:Whose turn is it to help me get up?

Rachel:Oh right, I'm alone and stuck.

Chandler:How do I look?

Joey:You look great!

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah, now make me look like that.

Monica:You look great!

Rachel:Really? Thank you!

Monica:Yeah, I'm gonna win so much money on you.

Rachel:I need to use the bathroom again. This baby is like a squeeze toy — every time I move, something comes out!

Phoebe:So Monica, how much did you lose?

Monica:Fifty dollars.

Phoebe:Wow. You know, I've always wondered... is it hard being so competitive?

Phoebe:Hello, General Grant. I want you to camp in my area.

Ross:So, we're not together, we're not broken up, we're in some kind of relationship limbo. I'm thinking of calling it 'The Rachel.'

Ross:Rachel, that outfit is completely inappropriate for the office.

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody make any sudden movements. We don't want to startle her.

Chandler:Just back away slowly and nobody gets hurt.

Rachel:Did you seriously just call me 'mommy'?

Ross:What? It just came out!

Rachel:It just came out? Ross, that's not okay. And honestly, it explains so much about you and your actual mother. No wonder she still does your laundry.

Ross:She does not—okay, she does, but that's different!

Rachel:Is it though? Because right now you're looking at me the same way you look at her when she brings you soup.

Chandler:Yeah, that is weird. A grown man calling his mother 'Mommy.' I mean, at what point do you have to grow up and start calling her 'Ma' like the rest of us?

Rachel:Were you always this annoying during pregnancy?

Ross:I wasn't pregnant, Rachel.

Rachel:Well, that explains it.

Ross:I'm not trying to irritate you.

Rachel:Well, you're doing a great job.

Rachel:Oh my God, could you breathe any louder?

Ross:I'm just breathing normally.

Rachel:Well, it's really annoying.

Rachel:I mean, come on, it's half you. It's going to be evil.

Rachel:Well, you have to be nice to the doctor. I mean, he's got a needle.

Doctor:You could try having sex. It might induce labor.

Rachel:With who?!

Ross:I'm right here.

Rachel:I know!

Joey:So in that scene where I'm storming the beach, did you see the part where I take out the machine gun nest?

Chandler:Oh yeah, that was great. And then the giraffe showed up and you two danced the tango.

Joey:Chandler, were you asleep?

Chandler:No! ...Okay, yes.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. A kangaroo? That was my idea!

Chandler:No, it wasn't.

Joey:Yes, it was! I suggested it for that World War I movie!

Ross:I just don't want you to feel pressured, you know? I mean, if you're not comfortable with it...

Rachel:Ross, I'm nine months pregnant. I think I can handle it.

Ross:I know, but... what if it's weird? What if things are... different?

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, just tell her you're worried about the baby.

Ross:Well, yes, but also... I don't want to see the baby!

Monica:Well, what are we waiting for?

Monica:You should totally do it! I mean, Ross is a great guy, and you two have so much chemistry. Just go for it!

Rachel:Monica, I don't know...

Monica:No, seriously! He's smart, he's funny, he's got that whole paleontologist thing going on. You'd be so lucky to sleep with him! I mean, I've seen him naked and—

Rachel:Okay, that's weird.

Monica:What? I'm just saying, go jump his bones! Do it tonight! In fact, I could probably get Chandler out of the apartment if you want to use my room!

Monica:You know what? If you need to have sex to induce labor, I could... I could lend you Chandler.

Rachel:What?!

Monica:Well, he owes me a favor!

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You're betting money on Rachel's pregnancy? How could you do that? That's taking advantage of someone's misery for profit!

Chandler:Says the guy who bet on whether Rachel would name the baby Emma or not.

Ross:That's different!

Chandler:How is that different?

Ross:I... I knew her!

Rachel:Wait, you guys were betting on whether I'm pregnant? That's... actually kind of genius. So what are the odds? Because I want in.

Monica:Rachel, no—

Rachel:No, I'm serious! If you're all going to profit off my potential misery, I should at least get a cut. What's my payout if I'm not pregnant?

Chandler:That's not really how it works...

Rachel:Well, it should. Honestly, this is the most attention my uterus has gotten in years. I'm not letting it go to waste.

Chandler:Joey, you don't owe me anything.

Joey:No, no, no! I'm gonna pay you back, Chandler. Every penny.

Joey:I'm serious. I always pay my debts.

Joey:So I owe you... $1,200?

Chandler:Well, you could always do what you did with those headshots I paid for.

Joey:What?

Chandler:You know, tell me you'll pay me back, then have a booger on your face the whole time.

Chandler:We should probably keep Joey's tap dancing a secret. If word gets out that he's taking lessons, his tough guy image is done for.

Chandler:So you're telling me you paid three hundred dollars for accent lessons?

Joey:Yeah, and it's working! Listen to this.

Joey:Howdy, mon. I'm fixin' to get some jerk chicken, ya heard?

Chandler:That's a Jamaican-Southern hybrid.

Joey:It's a work in progress!

Joey:Okay, so I owe Chandler fifty bucks, right? Plus the twenty I borrowed last week... that's... seventy?

Joey:Wait, no. Fifty plus twenty is... *presses calculator buttons repeatedly* ...how is it doing that?

Joey:It keeps saying seventy! Why would it say that?

Chandler:Because fifty plus twenty equals seventy, Joey.

Joey:No it doesn't! It's fifty and twenty, not... *counts on fingers* ...Chandler, your calculator is broken.

Ross:No, no, no! Don't touch your eyes! I'm serious, those peppers are really hot.

Ross:I learned that the hard way about five minutes ago.

Ross:That's hot.

Rachel:Make love? Ross, what are you, a 1970s folk singer?

Ross:What? It's a perfectly acceptable term for—

Rachel:It's creepy. Just say 'have sex' like a normal person.

Ross:Oh, so calling me feminine isn't an effective seduction technique?

Rachel:Come on, Ross. Just hit me.

Ross:What?

Rachel:I'm like a ketchup bottle. Sometimes you just have to hit me to get what you want out.

Rachel:It's like a ketchup bottle. You have to bang it on the bottom to get it to come.

Ross:That's the dirtiest thing I've ever heard.

Rachel:Hey Ross, don't you think I look... sexy?

Rachel:I was going to do this sultry walk, but I can't really see my feet anymore.

Rachel:You're such an idiot, and I love you.

Ross:That's not really how compliments work.

Rachel:Well, it's how I work, you moron.

Ross:I thought jalapeños were supposed to be good for you!

Ross:I did it! I did it! The baby's coming!

Rachel:Ross, the doctor said it could happen any time now.

Ross:Yeah, but it happened NOW. After I did all those things!

Monica:Wow, you really know a lot about Rachel!

Phoebe:Yeah, I pick up on things.

Monica:Okay, I'm putting fifty bucks on whatever you say next.

Phoebe:I'll bet twenty bucks the baby's a boy!

Monica:Phoebe, we already know it's a girl.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, then I'll bet twenty bucks it's NOT a boy!