The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1)

We're off to a great start, aren't we? I knew I'd get here fast, but this has to be a record!

How the hell did you beat us here? We took a cab. Did you walk?

Okay, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?

Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.

They're saving them for important people! What if I was the president?

We'd be in a lot of trouble. You don't know where any countries are.

This is a hospital. / You know what? I don't really care for your tone.

Like to see a semi-private room? / Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.

Ross putting on hospital gown backwards, Rachel laughing

Hi, I'm Ross. I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.

Let me give you guys some privacy. / Nonsense. We're all in this together.

Hey, smile! / No. / I really don't want any-- / Oh, thank you.

Oh, honey, I think I'm having one too!

Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze-fest.

I think we should try to have a baby. / Okay. / What's that now?

Oh, this is fun. You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up!

I was screwing with you to get your voice high and weird... like mine is now!

I just want Joey to be the father. / What? Are you crazy? / Right there! That's all I wanted!

Julie's cervix is dilated 7 centimeters. That's about four fingers! Doctor let me feel it.

Well, you could feel Rachel's, then feel mine to compare. / We won't be doing that.

No, Ross, Ross? Ross? My child has no father!

Ma, you're asking me to marry you?

Honestly, this isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped.

If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.

Right. And with who again?

She's like the perfect woman. I know she turned me down... but if she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and...

I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while.

What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Not before she gave me a nice, juicy shot of little Jamie, crowning away.

Including, um, 'Evil Bitch' and, uh, 'Sick Bastard.'

She's in labor. You like that, you sick son of a bitch?

See? It's because you were looking, you fat pervert.

Wanna live to see your baby? / Don't you talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard!

Oh, good God! If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it!

We talk about having babies someday, not now... but I'm starting to think that we can handle it. We're good. We're really good.

It's not right! We're not ready for a kid! / What? / I'm kidding. This is gonna be fun.

I'm not comfortable doing this in front of the babies.

We got time to kill. We're in a building that's full of beds! And it's so clean!

No. / I'll see you downstairs then. / All right. / Hey, I got one! I got one!

I hate to be a ball-buster, but can I just do it?

Let's just say, there was a typographical error with a sex manual.

Car accident. Idiot on a cell not paying attention? / Yeah. Me.

Wait! What? No! Elevator! No! You gotta press the button.

She doesn't need to be. She'll still have the baby before I do.

Mm, mm. / [Long pause] / Oh, that was a big one.

I know who you're talking about. / Yay! Great! What room is he in? / Sorry. That information is restricted.

Dr. Drake Ramoray. It's Portuguese. / Damn it! We're losing precious time. You want this man's blood on your hands-- / Hands.

Oh, right! Ha, ha.

He's not really my type. / Not you. Dr. Ramoray.

Actually, it's more like this. / Oh, stupid metric system.

I know. I'm a neurologist. Dr. Wells is a woman. / That was a test. Good response.

I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

Do you sleep with women and never call them again? / No. / Excellent. Excellent.

Are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually? / No! / Ooh. Wrong answer.

Enter Pheebs.

If you bring in one more woman who has her baby before me, I will sue you. Not this hospital. I'm gonna sue you.

My husband is a lawyer. / Uh, Rach? / You get back on that case, honey!

We're gonna be baby buddies!

Squeeze your legs together, cover the baby's ears.

I nabbed him at the dermatologist's. Thank God for adult acne!

You have to speak loudly, he's almost completely deaf. / Oh, there you go. / Of course he is.

Oh. Well, then shut me up. / Just tell me how.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh!