The One With The Memorial Service

Monica:Oh my God, I can't post anything on there. What am I gonna write? 'Hi, I'm Monica. I'm 40, I'm single, I'm living in my old apartment with my roommate, and I'm still waiting tables'?

Ross:Do you remember that girl from college? What was her name... Janice?

Chandler:Oh God, why would you bring her up? Yeah, I remember her. Why?

Ross:I ran into her yesterday. She's had quite the life.

Chandler:What do you mean?

Ross:Well, she got divorced twice, lost her job, her apartment flooded, she hit a parked car, and then that parked car hit another parked car.

Chandler:Wow. That's... that's a lot of bad luck.

Ross:That's not even the worst part. She sneezed on a plane and everyone got mad at her.

Chandler:So what you're saying is... she's available?

Ross:Well, I already tried.

Chandler:Well, at least we have that in common.

Chandler:Could Ross BE any worse at this?

Chandler:Okay, we should add something to Ross's alumni profile.

Joey:Yeah, like what?

Chandler:I don't know... 'Ross Geller: Paleontologist, Professor, and part-time exotic dancer.'

Joey:That's good! Oh! Oh! 'Hobbies include: teaching, dinosaurs, and competitive hot dog eating.'

Chandler:And 'Has never been seen in the same room as a shower curtain.'

Joey:'Believes that leather pants are a valid fashion choice for all occasions, including court appearances.'

Chandler:'Distinguishing characteristics: can pronounce 'paleontology' but not 'Rachel.' Owns seventeen identical sweater vests.'

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. We can explain.

Joey:Yeah, it was just a joke!

Ross:A joke? You guys created a fake profile of me!

Chandler:Okay, okay, we're taking it down right now.

Joey:Done. See? All gone.

Ross:Thank you. I can't believe you guys would—

Chandler:Oh, we just posted a new one.

Joey:Yeah, this time we made you look like you collect porcelain dolls and cry at night.

Rachel:Who hurt you?

Chandler:I did.

Rachel:Joey, don't you think you're a little too attached to Huggsy?

Joey:Too attached? I am NOT too attached to Huggsy! Huggsy is my friend, and I don't appreciate you suggesting that I'm too dependent on him. He's always there for me, he listens to me, he never judges me... Why would I be attached to that?

Joey:What? It's not mine! It's... it's a chick magnet. Chicks dig guys who have stuffed animals. It shows I'm sensitive and in touch with my feminine side.

Joey:And before you say anything, I got it as a prize at the arcade. I didn't buy it. A little kid won it for me.

Rachel:Emma is so attached to that toy. She won't go anywhere without it.

Joey:Yeah, well, you can't blame her. That person is hilarious.

Phoebe:I've been trying to get over Mike by writing songs about it. I wrote one called 'My Scumbag Former Boyfriend' and I just screamed the whole thing. It was very cathartic.

Phoebe:You can make cruel jokes about Mike later.

Monica:I've already prepared several.

Phoebe:I don't think I'm gonna see Mike anymore.

Monica:What? Why not? I thought you really liked him!

Phoebe:I do, but I'm just not sure about the relationship.

Monica:Oh Phoebe, no! You guys are perfect together!

Phoebe:You know what? I was just testing you.

Monica:Testing me? For what?

Phoebe:To see if you'd try to talk me out of it. And you did! You really do care!

Monica:Of course I care! Why would you test me like that?

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Ross:What did you guys write?

Chandler:Just some stuff about you.

Ross:Some stuff?! It says I'm a 'paleontologist slash male nanny who collects action figures and cries during Bambi!'

Joey:Well, you do cry during Bambi.

Ross:That's not the point! Everybody's going to read this!

Ross:It's not about dinosaur sex! It's about the paleontological implications of reproductive patterns in extinct species and how that relates to evolutionary—

Chandler:Dude, you're making it worse.

Ross:No, no, if you think about it logically, the size differential alone would create tremendous structural challenges, not to mention the biomechanical—

Monica:Ross, stop talking.

Chandler:I beg to differ. The dinosaur sex joke is a work of comedic genius and I will not hear it slandered.

Chandler:I don't have an alumni page.

Ross:Could you BE any more defensive about that?

Joey:Hey little guy. It's okay, it's okay. Uncle Joey's here. You know, I used to have a friend just like you when I was a kid. Except mine was a baseball glove, and it smelled like hot dog water. But we had some great times together. We really did.

Rachel:What are you doing in Emma's room?

Joey:I was just checking on her.

Rachel:At two in the morning?

Joey:She might need something.

Rachel:The only thing she needs is for you to get out!

Rachel:And don't make me use this.

Joey:What is that, a scrunchie?

Rachel:Yes. And I will put it in your hair.

Joey:You take care of Huggsy, okay? And if anything happens to him...

Joey:anything at all...

Joey:I'm gonna know.

Monica:Ross posted that you're gay?

Chandler:Yeah, well, at least people will believe that.

Monica:Thank you so much! We're thrilled. Yeah, he's known for a while. Oh, there's been signs for years. Well, for one thing, he's always preferred to shop at the Gap.

Monica:And another thing — he's very organized. He color-coordinates his closet.

Monica:Plus, he's never been that into sports. He'd rather watch a musical.

Ross:Wait, what? My own death?

Chandler:Oh yeah, I had you killed off in Act Two.

Ross:You killed me?!

Chandler:Well, you started it with the whole 'Chandler gets hit by a bus' thing.

Ross:Posting my death isn't funny! How is that funny?

Chandler:Well, it would be funny if you died in an absurdly specific way.

Ross:Like what?

Chandler:Like... you got killed by a bonsai tree that fell on your head while you were trying to teach it to grow in the shape of your face.

Chandler:Actually, did you know that more people die every year from blimp accidents than from sharks?

Ross:You know what? You mess with people's feelings, Chandler. It's not funny.

Chandler:Oh come on, it's a little funny.

Ross:No it's not! I was really invested in that story about you and that girl from the copy place!

Ross:Oh, you think that's funny? You know what? I'm going to get you back. And it's going to be big. It's going to be visual. It's going to be humiliating.

Chandler:Okay.

Ross:I'm going to Xerox my butt and... and plaster them all over the building!

Monica:So what are you guys doing this afternoon?

Phoebe:Oh, we're gonna go home and have sex.

Monica:Oh my God, in the afternoon?

Mike:Well, we don't have anything else to do.

Monica:Right, right. I mean, most people, they save that for nighttime.

Monica:Okay Phoebe, calling Mike is like... it's like you're addicted to chocolate chip cookies. And every time you eat one, you tell yourself 'this is the last one,' but then twenty minutes later you're back in the kitchen with your hand in the cookie jar. And before you know it, the whole jar is empty and you're standing there with chocolate all over your face wondering how it happened. So you need to just... put the jar away. Stop calling Mike.

Phoebe:Here, you can use my phone.

Monica:Phoebe, what is this? It's so old!

Phoebe:It still works.

Monica:Does it have a rotary dial?

Phoebe:Well, it still works! It's just... retro now.

Monica:Phoebe, can I just look in your purse for a second?

Phoebe:No! My purse is private!

Monica:It's just a purse, Phoebe!

Phoebe:I said no! Back off, Monica!

Monica:Oh, come on!

Phoebe:No way! Stop it!

Phoebe:Oh, you think you're so smart, Monica Geller-Bing!

Rachel:Joey's back! And he brought a friend.

Chandler:Yeah, we can see that.

Rachel:No, like... a *friend* friend.

Monica:Oh my God, Joey brought a girl?

Chandler:That's what she said.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey! Another 'friend'? How many friends do you have?

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! She's just a friend!

Rachel:Yeah, right. That's what you said about the last seven 'friends.'

Monica:Joey! We heard you bring someone home!

Joey:Yeah, yeah, come here, I want you to meet someone really special.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey's finally in a serious relationship!

Joey:Everyone, I'd like you to meet... Clarence.

Chandler:Clarence? That's... is that a woman's name?

Joey:No, no, no—it's a penguin. My newest addition to the collection.

Monica:Joey, you can't keep doing this!

Joey:What? He's adorable!

Rachel:So when I was a little girl, I had this really special teddy bear, and every night I would...

Chandler:Was it a bear, or were you just a really big baby?

Joey:Yeah, yeah, that's great, but can we talk about something important? My agent just called and I might have an audition for a big movie.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Huggsy's got a button eye. That's a choking hazard!

Joey:Yeah, I ate it.

Joey:What are you talking about? They're identical!

Joey:They're the same bear!

Joey:I'm telling you, they're identical!

Joey:They're identical! Look, same flippers, same beak, same everything!

Rachel:Joey, they're not identical. And neither are you and Chandler, but you keep wearing the same outfit.

Phoebe:You know, if Monica was a serial killer, she'd be really bad at it. She'd just keep surprising people until they died of heart attacks.

Monica:Whose shoes are these?

Phoebe:Those are mine.

Monica:Oh, I thought they were Mike's. They're so... big.

Phoebe:I ordered Chinese food.

Monica:Oh sure, and I'm a astronaut.

Monica:Oh, come on! What are the odds that the same delivery guy would mess up our order two weeks in a row? That's like a one in a million chance!

Chandler:Monica, he's delivered to us seventeen times.

Monica:Well, then it's a one in seventeen million chance!

Phoebe:I have a phone in my shoe.

Monica:Why didn't I use speakerphone?! I could've had my hands free! I'm an idiot. A complete idiot. How do I not know about speakerphone? Everyone knows about speakerphone. I'm 30 years old and I just discovered speakerphone. What else don't I know about? Probably everything. I probably don't know how to do anything right.

Monica:This conversation doesn't concern you.

Mike:It's about me though.

Monica:Okay, I'm just gonna sit right here.

Phoebe:Monica, what are you doing?

Monica:Nothing! Just... sitting. On this couch. Between you two.

Phoebe:You're so smart and talented.

Mike:You're so beautiful and kind.

Monica:Okay, okay, that's enough. You're both winners. Everybody gets a participation trophy.

Monica:Oh, that's so sweet. You guys are so cute together. Hey, that reminds me of the time I found a thumb in my garden.

Ross:Oh my God! Chandler, look at the size of that thing!

Chandler:I know.

Ross:You could land a plane on that thing! I mean, what did you do, you took my face and put it on a body of a... of a really fat man!

Ross:Wait, nobody called? Nobody texted? Nobody posted anything on social media?

Ross:I've been gone for three days and... nothing? Not even a 'RIP Ross' meme?

Ross:I'm a paleontologist! I've made contributions to science! And apparently nobody cares that I'm dead!

Ross:So I told them I was moving to London, and everyone freaked out. But when I said the coffee shop was closing, nobody cared.

Chandler:Well, that makes sense. People need coffee. They don't need you.

Ross:I can't believe this. I spent three hours on that lab report, and he didn't even say thank you.

Ross:Not even a 'nice work, Ross' or a 'hey, I really appreciate you doing all the research.'

Ross:Nothing! He just took it, looked at it for two seconds, and walked away.

Chandler:Ross, you can't send that invitation. It's a memorial service, not a party!

Ross:I know what it is, Chandler. That's exactly why I'm sending it.

Chandler:No, no, no. You're going to offend everyone. People are grieving!

Ross:Relax. I've already hit send.

Chandler:WHAT?! No!

Ross:Yes. And you know what? They're going to love it.

Chandler:Oh, so you're sending out invitations to your memorial service? That's great. I'm putting you down for two. You and your sense of humor.

Chandler:Actually, I'm having my own memorial service. It's next Tuesday. I'm inviting everyone you've ever bored to death with a paleontology lecture.

Rachel:Joey, what is that lump under your covers?

Joey:What lump? There's no lump.

Rachel:Joey...

Joey:Okay, okay, it's... it's my gym equipment. Yeah, I've been working out a lot.

Rachel:That's your gym equipment?

Joey:It's a very... compact routine. Look, it could also be a pillow. A really lumpy pillow that I sit on sometimes.

Rachel:Joey...

Joey:Fine! It's Dwayne the Cockatoo. I found him outside and I've been keeping him as a pet.

Joey:A baby's gotta have a bear. It's not unreasonable.

Rachel:She loves that penguin because it reminds her of someone.

Joey:Who?

Rachel:You.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey. What's with all the tears, little one? You miss your dad?

Joey:You know what? I'm gonna stay here with you. Yeah. Uncle Joey's not going anywhere.

Joey:I was gonna go meet this girl... smoking hot... but you know what? She's got nothing on you.

Joey:Come here. Come here, sweetie.

Joey:Hey, you need money? I got you, man. Here, take whatever you want.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. How much were you thinking?

Joey:Okay, that's... that's a lot. Maybe like ten percent of that?

Joey:You know what, I'm gonna need that back. I'm gonna need all of that back.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey! You can't just take a toy from a baby!

Joey:Why not? I took a toy from a baby once.

Rachel:What?!

Joey:I was a baby.

Monica:Okay, I'm just going to the bathroom. Don't talk about anything that would kill the romance.

Phoebe:Like what?

Monica:I don't know... like dead things, or past relationships, or how you almost died that time...

Mike:She almost died?

Phoebe:Several times.

Mike:Can't we just have one more night together?

Phoebe:Mike, we've been through this. You're a police officer and I'm a masseuse. It's like that song... 'A Hoedown Throwdown'... wait, no. It's like 'Romeo and Juliet' but with worse pay and better flexibility.

Mike:I just realized we might never have another moment like this. All those times I didn't say what I was really thinking, all those moments I let slip away...

Monica:Mike, are you okay?

Mike:I'm just saying, life is short and we should cherish every second we have together.

Monica:That's sweet, but you're scaring me a little bit.

Mike:I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Monica:Oh my God.

Monica:Okay, that was really romantic and I would kiss you right now, but I'm not going to because we're not supposed to see each other before the wedding and I'm not going to ruin that.

Mike · Manny:I knew you'd be here! Aw, crap.

Manny · Monica:Well, you're not doing a very good job. Excuse me? What's with the kissing? Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.

Monica · Manny:You didn't hear the speech. I've heard the speech. If he knew it was gonna be the last time-- Hey, it was very moving. You're just heartless! You're weak! You're weird! Your pants are undone. Oh!

Monica:Oh my God, they left! They actually left!

Monica:This is all your fault!

Chandler:My fault? How is this my fault?

Monica:You know what, it's half your fault and half my fault.

Ross:You know what? If I die and nobody comes to my funeral, I'm going to be very upset.

Chandler:Oh my God, you came! I can't believe you actually came to the memorial.

Tom Gordon:Yeah, well, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Chandler:Really? That's so sweet. I mean, you didn't even know him that well.

Tom Gordon:Actually, there's something I should tell you about why I'm really here.

Tom Gordon:I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

Chandler:Thank you. Yeah, he died when he was stuck in the revolving door at Macy's.

Tom Gordon:Oh my God, that's terrible!

Chandler:Yeah, well, he wasn't a big man.

Tom Gordon:I'm really going to miss Ross. He was a great friend.

Tom Gordon:But Chandler... there's something about him I just can't ignore.

Tom Gordon:Are you available?

Chandler:Well, I'm kind of seeing someone right now.

Tom Gordon:Oh, who?

Chandler:Me. I'm dating myself.

Tom Gordon:So you're in a relationship with Monica?

Chandler:Yes, that's right.

Tom Gordon:And you trim your chest hair into the shape of a little heart?

Ross:My entire apartment smells like a wet dog!

Chandler:My closet is filled with nothing but women's clothes!

Ross:Monica and Rachel flooded it!

Chandler:Joey thought it would be funny!

Ross:Well, maybe if Monica didn't slouch so much, Chandler would look more masculine by comparison.

Ross:I mean, think about it. I've been alive for 30 years. Thirty years! And what have I accomplished? What mark have I left on this world?

Ross:I'm a paleontologist. I study dead things. Dead things that died millions of years ago. Nobody cares about that.

Ross:And my relationships? Failed. My career? Overshadowed. My apartment? I share it with Chandler.

Ross:I could disappear tomorrow and nobody would even notice. The world would just... keep going.

Ross:I mean, what's the point? I have no impact on anyone's life.

Chandler:That's not true. You've had a huge impact on my life.

Ross:Really?

Chandler:Yeah. I'd never have become a transponster if it weren't for you.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Someone's coming to my memorial? Oh, this is great! Finally, people are going to remember me for something important.

Chandler:I'm not gay!

Monica:Chandler's not married.

Ross:Well, not anymore.

Chandler:I can't believe Ross is gone.

Ross:I'm right here!

Monica:We know, but you're leaving and we're going to miss you.

Monica:You know what I remember about Ross? How passionate he was about paleontology. He would spend hours just... talking about dinosaurs.

Monica:And you know what? It was actually... kind of sweet. He really loved what he did.

Chandler:Could Ross BE any more dead? I bet he's up there right now eavesdropping on us.

Kori:I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.

Kori:I missed my chance with Ross.

Ross:What? No, you didn't! I'm still alive!

Ross:Yeah, I know this looks bad, but I can explain. I just needed some time to myself, you know? So I faked my own death, moved to Vermont, and became a beekeeper.

Woman:You... you faked your death?

Ross:Well, technically I'm not dead. I'm very much alive. The funeral was just a thing I did.

Ross:Okay, so I faked my death, and now I'm back, and I just want you to know that my feelings for you are completely real.

Kori:You faked your death?

Ross:Yes, but that's not important right now. What's important is that I'm here, and I'm telling you that I care about you very much.

Kori:Ross, you literally faked your own death.

Ross:I know, I know, but people do crazy things when they're in love!

Ross:I know this is a difficult time, but I have to tell you how I feel. I love you.

Rachel:What? Are you insane? My father just died!

Ross:She called me a sick freak and stormed out, but did you hear what she said before that? She has a crush on me!

Mrs. Geller:Ross, sweetheart, after what happened today, I need to know you're going to be careful. You could have been seriously hurt!

Ross:Mom, Mom, I'm fine. It was just a prank. I'm perfectly healthy.

Mrs. Geller:But what if it had been real? What if you actually—

Ross:I'm not going to die, Mom. I promise you, I will live for many, many more years.

Mrs. Geller:You can't promise that, Ross. Nobody can promise that.

Ross:Okay, well, I'm going to do my best not to.

Ross:Mom, I can explain everything. It was just a practical joke.

Mrs. Geller:A practical joke? Ross, you faked your own death!

Ross:I know, but hear me out—

Mrs. Geller:I'm afraid I'm going to end up childless!

Ross:Mom, you have Monica.