The One With The Lottery

Monica:Okay, so if you're going to borrow my car, you need to know the rules. Rule number one: no eating in the car.

Joey:Got it.

Monica:Rule number two: no smoking in the car.

Joey:Okay.

Monica:Rule number three: no lady friends in the car.

Joey:No... lady friends... in the car. Got it.

Joey:Okay, okay, okay. You're on a date in my car, right? And she orders spaghetti.

Monica:You don't let her eat it in the car.

Joey:Wrong! You let her order it, then you watch her face when she realizes she can't eat it in the car. It's like a little power trip.

Joey:Wait, you're driving to Connecticut? Which way do you go, north or south?

Joey:Because I always get confused which direction that is.

Chandler:Oh yeah, because when I'm rich, I'm totally gonna turn down money. 'No thanks, I'm set!' said no rich person ever.

Ross:I'm not buying lottery tickets. Do you know what the odds are? It's like wishing for something impossible. I mean, I'd have a better chance of... of going back in time, or suddenly being able to speak fluent Mandarin, or finding out that Monica and I are actually royalty from a small European country, or that I can fly, or that dinosaurs never actually went extinct and they're just living in a secret underground civilization beneath New Jersey.

Ross:What? Amelia Earhart disappeared over the Pacific Ocean in 1937. No one knows what happened to her. It's one of the greatest mysteries of aviation history!

Ross:The odds of winning the lottery are one in fourteen million. You're more likely to be struck by lightning.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, I'll take those odds. How often does lightning strike?

Ross:Once in a lifetime, if you're lucky.

Joey:Once in a lifetime? So you're telling me I have a one in a million chance of being struck by lightning? That's better odds than the lottery!

Chandler:Joey, that's... that's not how math works.

Joey:No no, I'm getting struck by lightning. It's settled.

Ross:You know what? Fine. Go ahead, waste your money on lottery tickets. But when you don't win, don't come crying to me. The odds are astronomical. It's mathematically moronic.

Chandler:Oh, what are you gonna do, Ross? Kick us out of the apartment? Oh wait, you can't. You don't live here anymore. Motherforker!

Monica:What's 'boo-hockey'?

Ross:Oh, it's a game I made up for Emma so she wouldn't swear in front of the baby.

Monica:So instead of real curse words, she says...

Ross:'Boo-hockey,' 'son of a biscuit,' 'mother-forking shirt balls,' 'barnacles,' 'holy cow,' and 'frick.'

Ross:Emma understands me. When I talk to her, she listens. She gets it.

Chandler:That's great, Ross. That's really great.

Ross:Yeah, it's amazing. She's only a baby and she comprehends more than Joey.

Joey:Hey!

Joey:A baby?! I'm not a baby, I'm a man!

Ross:Joey, you just proved my point.

Chandler:Was it a pie-eating contest?

Monica:No!

Chandler:You sure? Because you have a little—

Monica:I was not a big girl!

Monica:I don't know what you're talking about!

Chandler:Monica, I have pictures.

Monica:Oh my God, those were the best days of my life!

Monica:Oh my God! They're towing a car!

Chandler:It's not mine.

Monica:I can't believe they almost towed my car! My heart is still racing.

Monica:I think I'm getting a stress rash. Look at my neck!

Monica:And now I have a twitch in my eye. This is what anxiety does to you!

Joey:Where's Emma? Where's the baby?

Joey:Oh, she's with her grandmother.

Joey:The casserole lady?

Joey:We're gonna win, we're gonna win!

Ross:Oh yeah, and then what? We're all gonna move to a big house in the Hamptons, we're gonna have a big wedding, and Chandler's gonna be the best man, and Monica's gonna be pregnant with her third child, and we're all gonna live happily ever after?

Joey:Hello?

Chandler:Hey! It's me. I need you to do something for me. I have an important call coming in, and I need you to answer my phone and take a message.

Joey:Okay, I can do that.

Monica:Wait, Joey, before you do that, wash your hands.

Joey:Why?

Monica:Because you're going to be touching the phone!

Ross:Those are pretty bad odds.

Chandler:Tell me about it.

Ross:You know what? You have better odds of winning the lottery.

Chandler:Oh, great! A sure thing!

Ross:Oh sure, because the odds of winning the lottery are so great. We should all just quit our jobs and buy tickets.

Monica:Really? You think so? Oh my God, finally! I knew you'd come around!

Monica:Did you get the job?

Chandler:Could I BE any more unemployed?

Monica:And those khakis? Completely wrong for his body type.

Chandler:I want Charlie to get the other job.

Chandler:No, wait—I don't care about Charlie.

Phoebe:My psychic said I'm going to win the lottery!

Ross:Oh, well maybe we should give some other people a chance. You know, let someone else use the psychic and the wishbone.

Monica:I want to break the wishbone!

Chandler:You don't even eat chicken.

Monica:I know, but I like breaking things.

Joey:Hey, I'll break the wishbone with you.

Rachel:Really?

Joey:Yeah, but I have to warn you, I never lose.

Rachel:Okay.

Joey:My wish is to get rid of the casserole smell my grandmother left in my apartment.

Rachel:That's your wish?

Joey:Hey, you don't know my grandmother.

Monica:No, no, no, I can't tell you what I wished for.

Ross:Why not?

Monica:Because then it won't come true.

Chandler:Monica, we all know you wished for a baby.

Monica:Well, yeah, but I still can't say it out loud!

Ross:Oh, a genie! Finally, all my wishes will come true!

Monica:Oh come on, somebody has to win! Why shouldn't it be us?

Chandler:Because the odds are 175 million to one.

Monica:But somebody wins!

Joey:Yeah, and we could be that somebody!

Phoebe:I'm gonna get a helicopter. Just to go to Cape Cod.

Monica:Ross, we got helicopters.

Ross:You got helicopters? I'm driving a Hyundai!

Monica:I'm Ross. I'm so smart and I use big words that no one understands.

Ross:I do not sound like that!

Monica:Oh really? Because last week you spent twenty minutes explaining the difference between 'their' and 'they're' to Chandler.

Ross:That's called being educated, Monica!

Monica:And then one day, years from now, you'll be sitting alone in your apartment, and you'll realize what a huge mistake you made. And you'll be so filled with regret, you'll eat your own arm.

Chandler:And then the headline will read: 'Local Man Eats Own Arm.'

Ross:Wait, so if we own all the newspapers, we can just print whatever we want?

Monica:Exactly! We'll control all the information. We can say the dinosaurs never existed, or that they were actually really small and cute.

Ross:That's not how journalism works!

Monica:It will be when we own the newspapers.

Rachel:Oh for the love of... oh what would Ross say... oh crumbcakes!

Monica:Did you just say crumbcakes?

Rachel:Ross has been saying it around the baby. Now I can't stop!

Chandler:That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Rachel:Oh crumbcakes, Chandler, it's not that bad.

Ross:If I won the lottery, I'd invest it wisely. I'd put it in a diversified portfolio with bonds, mutual funds, maybe some real estate.

Monica:Wow, Ross, calm down. You're being too exciting.

Ross:Oh, so you don't like my investment strategy? Fine, why don't I just go out and blow all my money on expensive clothes, fancy cars, and unnecessary luxuries instead?

Monica:Now you're talking!

Joey:Really? You'd pick me? I never get picked for anything!

Joey:You can't take away my dream!

Monica:Joey, you came up with this dream like five minutes ago.

Ross:I can explain! When Emma was born, she would only fall asleep if I called myself 'Daddy' and her 'baby girl,' so I just... I got used to saying things like that around her.

Monica:So you're saying you have a habit of calling people 'Mommy'?

Ross:No! No, I— It just slipped out! It's a parenting thing!

Chandler:A parenting thing. Sure. That's what we're calling it.

Monica:Oh yeah, that's a good idea, Ross. 'Daddy's home!' Oh, Daddy's so big and strong!

Monica:Oh come on, you know what I mean. That whole 'daddy' thing...

Phoebe:Oh yeah, and then he ties you up with his belt and spanks you while calling you his 'little tax deduction'

Chandler:Could I BE any more of a daddy?

Chandler:I mean, I've got the whole package - the responsibility, the exhaustion, the weird hair that's started growing in places...

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. I'm not doing this bit.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. She got the job by sleeping with the boss? Why didn't anybody tell me that was an option? I could've done that!

Chandler:I mean, I wouldn't have gotten the job, but at least I would've gotten something out of it.

Chandler:Well, my father IS a cross-dressing heterosexual.

Monica:We could organize them by date...

Monica:No! We're doing it by number. I've decided.

Monica:And they're all going in color-coded folders. Obviously.

Monica:You're lying! You don't have hidden tickets!

Chandler:Could I BE any more honest?

Monica:Could you BE any more of a liar?

Phoebe:Oh, I KNEW this was going to happen. My spirit guides told me you two would betray us for better seats. They were very specific about it. They said, 'Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are going to ditch you and Joey.' And here we are.

Monica:I have the right to buy extra tickets if I want to!

Ross:Monica, you bought those tickets yesterday.

Ross:When did you guys buy the extra tickets?

Monica:Last week. We would've gotten them sooner, but someone was too busy looking at porn magazines to help us.

Ross:That was ONE time!

Monica:I read magazines through the plastic.

Joey:Hey, I'm an expert at that!

Ross:If you win the lottery, all your friends will leave you.

Monica:That's not true! Look at all of you — you're still here, and I don't even have a lottery ticket. You guys mooch off me constantly. Yesterday, Chandler ate six of my muffins!

Chandler:You know what? You're right. I was wrong about that.

Monica:Really?

Chandler:No, not at all. You were completely wrong. But I need this job so badly right now that I'm just going to agree with everything you say for the next six months.

Monica:Wait, you're abandoning your principles for money?

Chandler:Yes.

Monica:I respect that.

Monica:If you guys leave me, I'll just replace you all with identical copies. I'm thinking clones.

Chandler:Monica, that's insane.

Monica:Not just clones. Clones with better attitudes. I'm already pricing out the equipment.

Ross:You can't clone people!

Monica:That's what you said about my labeling system, and look how that turned out.

Phoebe:I once knew a girl who was a clone. Or maybe she was just my sister. Hard to tell.

Monica:See? It's possible. And they'd always do dishes, never leave their stuff on my coffee table, and they'd appreciate my color-coordinated filing system.

Rachel:Monica, you need help.

Monica:I'll clone that too.

Ross:I'm gonna take that money and I'm gonna invest it in a diversified portfolio of index funds with a long-term horizon and minimal fees.

Joey:Oh, thank you so much for inventing the lottery.

Monica:That's it! I'm done arguing about this. If you can't decide who gets these tickets, I'm throwing them off the balcony!

All:No, no, no, Monica, wait!

Monica:I'm serious! Off the balcony they go!

Monica:I'm going to destroy these lottery tickets!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. What about my wallet? It's in my back pocket!

Monica:Okay, so what's more important: friends or money?

All:Friends!

Monica:Money.

Monica:All the tickets are in the bowl.

Monica:I'm not hiding any tickets anywhere.

Monica:Okay, fine! There are more tickets in my bra!

Monica:Okay, I'm going to put these tickets somewhere really safe.

Monica:No one will ever find them here.

Monica:Oh no! Oh no no no!

Rachel:What? What happened?

Monica:I accidentally destroyed all the tickets.

Rachel:And my bowl! You broke my bowl!

Monica:Oh yeah, this is fun! Nothing says 'fun' like chasing lottery tickets down the street in the wind!

Phoebe:The pigeon's gonna kill me.

Phoebe:*in fake deep voice* 'Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Gerald. The pigeon. I just wanted to apologize for... *cooing sounds* ...for the thing that happened. You know what I'm talking about. *more pigeon noises* I'm really sorry. I hope you can forgive me. *aggressive cooing* Okay, bye.'

Phoebe:Hey, it's Phoebe. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm outside talking to a pigeon about his emotional growth.

Ross:Phoebe, that pigeon has made remarkable progress. I think he's finally ready to accept himself for who he is.

Rachel:Well, maybe Saundra was just better at the job than you.

Chandler:What? No, no, no. She wasn't better. She was just... she knew the boss.

Rachel:Chandler, she wasn't sleeping with him.

Ross:Hey Emma, you want to go get some ice cream with daddy?

Emma:Daddy!

Ross:What? What is it, sweetie?

Emma:Can I have a lick of your cone?

Ross:Oh... uh... sure, honey.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! If I win, I'm going to be a completely different person. I'll be generous, I'll be fun, I'll be spontaneous!

Chandler:So you're saying you need to win the lottery to be fun?

Monica:That's not what I'm saying!

Ross:The numbers are coming up next.

Monica:I can already feel it happening. I'm changing right now. New Monica is here.

Rachel:Mom? Hi, it's me.

Rachel's Mother:Hello, darling. How are you?

Rachel:I'm good. What's wrong with your voice?

Rachel's Mother:Nothing's wrong. I just had a little procedure done.

Rachel:What kind of procedure?

Rachel's Mother:Lip augmentation. Just a tiny bit. Do I sound different?

Rachel:You sound like you're talking through a taco.

Rachel:Emma said her first word! 'Gleba!'

Ross:That's not a word.

Rachel:It is! She said it clear as day!

Ross:Rachel, 'gleba' isn't a real word. Babies don't just make up words that happen to be... okay, let me get the dictionary.

Rachel:Fine! Look it up!

Ross:It's right here. G-L-E-B-A. It's a botanical term for the soil of a tuber.

Rachel:See?! It IS a word!

Ross:Rachel, our one-year-old is not using botanical terminology!

Ross:Use it in a sentence.

Rachel:Um... 'The gleba is... a part of a fungus.'

Ross:No, no. You're just repeating the definition.

Ross:Oh, you know what? Let me help you. How about... *makes baby raspberry sound* ...look that one up in your dictionary.

Rachel:It's a real but incredibly obscure scientific term about fungus anatomy.

Ross:Did you hear? Emma said her first word!

Ross:She said 'gravity.' My daughter said 'gravity' as her first word!

Ross:I'm thinking Princeton. Or maybe MIT. She's definitely going to be a physicist.

Chandler's Boss:Chandler, we've decided to go in another direction.

Chandler:Another direction? I'm 35 years old, I have a jump rope in my apartment. I think I know what direction I'm going.

Chandler:Too mature? I'll show you mature! Knock knock.

Chandler:Who's there? Butt. Butt who? Butt naked!

Chandler:And that's funny because it has the word 'butt' in it. Also, I just made a sound effect with my armpit. Pppfffft!

Chandler:See? Juvenile. Very juvenile. I once laughed so hard at the word 'duty' that I spit out my drink.

Boss:That's exactly the kind of maturity and sophistication we need around here.

Monica:I'm so proud of you! You got the job!

Chandler:Thank you! I'm pretty excited about it.

Monica:You know what? I have a special reward for you.

Chandler:Oh yeah? What's that?

Monica:Tonight, we're having sex... without the TV on.

Chandler:Really? No TV? That's... actually kind of romantic.

Joey:I used my one wish from the lottery to help Chandler get that job.

Chandler:You did what?

Joey:Yeah, I found a magic lamp, got three wishes, and I used one on you.

Chandler:Joey, that's... that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Joey:Well, what can I say? That's what friends do.

Ross:I'd be a paleontologist with a really cool dinosaur collection. I'd have a T-Rex in my living room, and I'd be dating Rachel Green.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait! We won!

Phoebe:We won three dollars!

Phoebe:Oh my God! Oh my God! We're rich! We're so rich!

Phoebe:I'm gonna buy a boat! A big boat!

Phoebe:With a little boat on it!

Phoebe:I won three dollars!

Monica:Oh my God, three dollars? That's incredible! We should frame it. Or better yet, let's hire a financial advisor. I'm thinking we put it in a high-yield savings account.

Phoebe:Really?

Monica:No, Phoebe, it's three dollars.

Phoebe:So everyone gets 50 cents from the three dollar win.

Monica:Here you go, Phoebs.

Chandler:Yeah, here's yours.

Ross:There you go.

Rachel:Here, Phoebe.

Joey:You got it, Phoebs.

Phoebe:What? Why is everyone giving me their share?

Monica:Because you never win anything.

Ross:Nobody won the jackpot.

Ross:But someone found their discarded ticket and won $10,000.

Phoebe:I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. Coo coo, coo coo.