The One With Rachels Dream

Rachel:Joey, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Joey:Really?

Rachel:No. You're a terrible actor.

Joey:A talking dog? That's so cool! Do you think the dog will actually talk, or will I have to do the voice?

Chandler:Joey, it's a soap opera, not a Disney movie.

Joey:I know that! But wouldn't it be amazing if the dog could actually talk?

Joey:I know, I know. I was really hoping to work with a real talking dog.

Rachel:It was an honest mistake!

Monica:Rachel, you followed him into the bathroom.

Rachel:I was going to the bathroom!

Chandler:You were going to the bathroom... where he was.

Rachel:Well, I didn't know he'd be in there!

Joey:Yes, you did. You asked the bartender where he was going.

Joey:Hey, don't be embarrassed! That's what I love about you, Rach. You're real, you know? You do stuff like that and it just makes you more... you.

Monica:Do you guys want to come eat at the restaurant?

Monica:Actually, no, you can't. We're fully booked.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, I'm booked solid too. I have a massage client every day this week.

Phoebe:Well, I would, but they suspended my license again.

Phoebe:Well, I may have gotten a little too hands-on with some of my clients.

Monica:Fifty people waiting to get into my restaurant!

Ross:Fifty people? That's amazing! Do you know how many people show up to my lectures? Two. And one of them is only there because the radiator is broken in the other classroom.

Monica:Ross, you're teaching a class. I'm running a restaurant. These aren't the same thing.

Chandler:Monica, pack your bags.

Phoebe:Oh my God, are you guys getting divorced? I knew it! Seven-year itch!

Phoebe:Oh, that's nice. You're going to go recapture the magic.

Monica:We could offer our professional credentials as leverage.

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm a masseuse. That's gotta count for something.

Monica:I'm a chef. Surely that helps.

Phoebe:We could threaten to give them a really bad massage and serve them terrible food.

Phoebe:You don't have travel insurance? Oh my God, Chandler, that's like... that's like bungee jumping without a cord!

Chandler:It's a business trip to Cleveland.

Phoebe:Exactly! Do you know what could happen? You could get a flat tire, or your luggage could get lost, or—or you could get food poisoning from a bad sandwich!

Monica:Phoebe, people go on trips without insurance all the time.

Phoebe:Yeah, and they're crazy! You're basically a daredevil, Chandler. Next thing you know, you'll be skydiving and not wearing a helmet!

Chandler:I can't take Ross on a romantic trip. That would be weird.

Chandler:A romantic inn? That sounds nice.

Chandler:Wait, let me read what they offer... 'candlelit dinners, couples massages, and...' Oh God, no. They have a hot tub.

Chandler:A HOT TUB, people! Do you know what happens in hot tubs? Pruning! Romantic pruning!

Rachel:Is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?

Joey:No, no, no. This is the bed where that extra lost her virginity.

Joey:Rachel, he's a guy. We're all gorgeous to you.

Joey:Wait, Christian Saunders is gay?

Chandler:Yeah, he came out like two years ago.

Joey:Oh man, that explains so much. Like at the Christmas party, when he spent forty-five minutes talking to Santa about how his beard looked fake.

Rachel:I'm sorry, I've been so distracted by how attractive you guys are.

Joey:No, no, that's good! That's actually essential to my performance. I need you distracted. It helps me focus.

Rachel:Oh my God, you're so talented!

Joey:Rachel, we're in the middle of a scene!

Rachel:I know, but seriously, that monologue was incredible. Have you ever thought about—

Joey:Rachel! Not now!

Rachel:Right, sorry. It's just... you're really—

Joey:Shh!

Director:Cut!

Rachel:No!

Rachel:I mean... no, that was... that was great. Really great. I was just, um, I was method acting. Very committed to the craft. The character wouldn't want him to cut. She's very into the scene. Into him. Not me. The character.

Phoebe:You guys, I'm telling you, people were requesting my songs all night!

Monica:Really? Who?

Phoebe:Well, this one guy yelled out 'Please, anything but that!' and another woman was like 'Make it stop!'

Rachel:Phoebe, those weren't requests.

Phoebe:Yes they were!

Chandler:Those were actually insults telling you to stop singing.

Phoebe:Oh, well then I guess I better take off my toe ring.

Desk Clerk:You guys are from New York, huh?

Chandler:Yeah, how'd you know?

Desk Clerk:You just have that look about you.

Ross:COULD I BE ANY MORE FROM NEW YORK?! *bounces around the room* I'm gonna eat all the presents! Nom nom nom nom!

Chandler:Could you check that reservation one more time?

Desk Clerk:I'm sorry, I don't have anything under that name.

Ross:I'm sorry, I don't have anything under that name.

Desk Clerk:Are you sure you have the right hotel?

Ross:Are you sure you have the right hotel?

Desk Clerk:Sir, please stop doing that.

Ross:Sir, please stop doing that.

Ross:We could hit some maple candy stores on the way back.

Rachel:Or we could just tap the trees ourselves and make our own candy.

Ross:That's actually not a bad idea. We could have a whole maple syrup operation.

Monica:You guys realize you're talking about starting a farm, right?

Chandler:Yeah, next thing you know we'll be churning butter and raising chickens.

Joey:I'm in. Do chickens lay maple syrup?

Chandler:We're gonna need a bigger tranquilizer.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying I have to pay half of this room?

Ross:Yeah, that's how it works.

Chandler:Oh my God. I'm back to dating again. I'm splitting hotel rooms with guys and going broke. This is exactly what my life was like before Monica!

Chandler:So we're gonna make our money back on apples? Let me do the math here. We spent $1,200 on this room for one night. There are, what, six apples in that basket? That's $200 per apple. I don't think even the fanciest, most pretentious apple in the world costs $200.

Ross:I can't... I can't even hold an apple steady!

Joey:You guys are so talented. I mean, really, you're all amazing.

Joey:But let's be honest, I'm way better than all of you combined.

Joey:I could ask Monica to read lines with me instead.

Rachel:No! I mean... I'm already here. I know the material. It would be weird to switch now.

Joey:I can't kiss you. Not here, not now. It would be wrong.

Rachel:Oh come on, just kiss me already!

Joey:Rachel, we're supposed to be acting.

Rachel:I don't care! Just do it!

Joey:So... that happened.

Ross:Hi, yes, I'd like to order some shampoo, conditioner, a toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, a razor, shaving cream, and tampons, please.

Room Service:Sir, tampons?

Ross:Oh! Oh, no, no, no... I'm not sure why I said that. Just... just forget the tampons.

Chandler:I got more apples for our collection.

Ross:Chandler, you can't just steal apples from hotel rooms. That's not a collection, that's a crime spree. We need to document the origin of each apple, create a proper cataloging system, maybe even develop a theft methodology that doesn't leave evidence.

Ross:I'm telling you, there's something about the pastoral environment here that's making me feel so energized and alive! The fresh air, the open spaces... it's therapeutic!

Chandler:Could this BE any more stuck?

Chandler:Why would you— oh no, oh no, no, no, no!

Joey:Hey, batteries are fair game. It's like... it's like taking the ice bucket. Nobody gets mad about the ice bucket.

Chandler:That's not the same thing at all!

Joey:No, no, it is! See, the remote is bolted down, so that's stealing. But batteries? Batteries are consumables. They expect you to take those.

Rachel:So you had weird dreams about marrying Ronald McDonald?

Monica:Not marrying him. Marrying him and then eating him.

Rachel:What?!

Monica:I was seven! I thought if I married Ronald McDonald, I'd have access to all the McDonald's I wanted. And then I realized I could just... eat him.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. Joey did a love scene with Olivia? Oh my God, Rachel, that's... that's great!

Rachel:Monica, he's my boyfriend.

Monica:I know, I know, but think about it — he's on a soap opera! Do you know how much those things are worth? I mean, if he stays on for just one more season, we could be talking about real money here!

Rachel:Wait, you failed Psych 101?

Monica:I didn't fail it, I just... needed to take it again to solidify my understanding.

Rachel:You got a D minus!

Monica:Well, maybe I'm not a psychology expert, but I know people!

Phoebe:I'm gonna perform my new song tonight. It's called 'My Wet Pussy.'

Monica:Phoebe, that's... that's not appropriate.

Phoebe:Why not? It's about my cat!

Phoebe:Oh, so we need to bring our passports and our trust funds?

Phoebe:Yeah, I'd like to complain about the food here. I ordered the chicken, and it never came. Then I ordered the vegetables, and they never came either. And then I ordered a baked potato, and three hours later, still nothing!

Monica:Phoebe, those are normal portions!

Phoebe:Normal portions? I once went to a restaurant where the food was so small, I needed a microscope to cut it up. And a magnifying glass to eat it!

Phoebe:My singing is amazing!

Monica:Phoebe, you sing like a cat being strangled in a wind tunnel.

Phoebe:That's not true!

Monica:You hit notes that don't exist. And somehow you're flat on all of them.

Monica:Phoebe, you were singing completely off-key.

Phoebe:Well, maybe songs taste like garlic to you, but to me they taste like beautiful rainbows.

Phoebe:And rainbows don't have keys, Monica. They have COLORS.

Monica:I think your music is great, Phoebe. I go to all your shows.

Phoebe:Really? I never see you there.

Monica:Well, I sit in the back. And I wear a disguise. And I have earplugs in.

Phoebe:Earplugs?

Monica:Very small ones.

Monica:Yeah, keep playing! You're doing great!

Monica:Oh wait, that's why everyone's inside drinking.

Phoebe:Well, that explains the increased bar sales. People need drinks to wash down your garlic bread.

Monica:My garlic bread is not that strong!

Phoebe:Monica, last week someone asked for a side of mouthwash with their dinner.

Desk Clerk:I hope you enjoyed your stay. Did you take anything from your room?

Chandler:No, no. I didn't take the TV, I didn't take the paintings, I didn't take the little shampoo bottles.

Chandler:I showed great restraint.

Chandler:Dude, we're leaving the hotel. You don't need to steal the pine cones.

Ross:I know, I know. But look at them! They're perfectly shaped. Besides, I've already stolen like fifteen of them.

Chandler:That's exactly my point! You have enough pine cones to build an actual pine tree!

Ross:But this one's different. It has that little sparkle to it.

Chandler:Pine cones are available naturally outside.

Ross:Yes, but hotel pine cones are different. They're specially selected and arranged.

Chandler:They're pine cones, Ross.

Ross:Exactly! Hotel pine cones.

Ross:My candy! My precious candy!

Chandler:Ross, we have to go. Now.

Ross:But it was a limited edition! They don't make it anymore!

Monica:Phoebe, what are you doing out here?

Phoebe:I'm performing. I need to make some money.

Monica:Oh, well, good luck with that.

Phoebe:Thanks. And Monica? Here's some free advice: maybe don't cook so much garlic. You know, for the sake of your social life.

Phoebe:Okay, so if anyone here is bothered by my singing, just raise your hand.

Phoebe:No one? Great! Oh wait... what's this?

Phoebe:Someone spit in my guitar case.

Phoebe:The restaurant has become a monument to corporate greed and environmental destruction—it's a soul-sucking, planet-killing, morally-bankrupt establishment.

Phoebe:We've been asking people questions about their coffee preferences for three hours.

Monica:But we need to know if they prefer it hot or iced!

Phoebe:Monica, I think the real problem is that we've become the people nobody wants to talk to at parties.

Monica:Phoebe, I'm sorry. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate me?

Phoebe:I'd say a 7.

Monica:What if I told you I'd do anything to make it up to you?

Phoebe:Then I'd say a 6.

Monica:What if I said I was wrong and you were right about everything?

Phoebe:A 4.

Monica:Okay, Phoebe, please. Just tell me what I can do. Multiple choice: A) buy you dinner, B) apologize profusely, or C) both?

Phoebe:C, but can we maybe just... talk? Like normal people? Without the polls?

Monica:...On a scale of 1 to 10, how much would you appreciate that?

Rachel:Joey, how did you get peanut butter on your head?

Joey:Well, I was making a sandwich, right? And I thought, 'Why use a knife when I have a blender?' So I put the peanut butter in the blender.

Joey:Then I'm like, 'Why blend it when I can just stick my head in there and let it come to me?'

Joey:Turns out the blender was still on.

Rachel:Wait, you were in my dream last night.

Joey:Really? Was I good?

Rachel:You were great, but then you started eating peanut butter straight from the jar and it got all over the couch.

Joey:That was me?

Rachel:Well, it was your character. Not you, you know, actual Joey.

Joey:I don't know if I'm ready for this scene. I mean, what if I mess up? What if I forget my lines?

Rachel:Joey, you're going to be great.

Joey:You really think so?

Rachel:Of course!

Joey:Because I could use a few more compliments if you've got 'em.

Rachel:You've been in love before, right? That's what you need to tap into for this scene.

Joey:Yeah, sure, lots of times.

Rachel:Okay, well, think about one of those times and use that.

Joey:I'm thinking about one right now.

Rachel:You have to understand the character's motivation, their backstory, their emotional core.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying I have to actually think about who my character is?

Rachel:Yes, Joey. That's the whole point of method acting.

Joey:But I've been just showing up and saying the lines. That's not... that's not acting?

Joey:I was just thinking about all those amazing moments we had together. You know, the way you'd laugh at my jokes, how you'd look at me with those eyes...

Joey:Actually, this is perfect! I can use all of this for my acting! Method acting, you know? I'm playing this romantic guy in a scene, and now I've got all these real memories to draw from. This is gold!

Monica:Oh my God, maple candy from Vermont! Thank you so much!

Chandler:You're welcome. I got it specially for you.

Monica:This is so sweet of you!

Ross:Hey, what's that?

Monica:Maple candy from Vermont. Chandler brought it back for me.

Monica:Oh my God! The box is empty!

Ross:Yeah... about that...

Monica:Ross! Did you eat all of it?

Ross:It was right there!

Ross:Is anybody else hearing that buzzing sound, or is it just me?

Chandler:That's just you, man. That's just the sugar.