The One with Rachel's Dream

I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything.. but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.

I haven't seen you this worked-up since you did that dog-food commercial.. and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog.

Yeah, that was a disappointment.

Oh, my God. Is this the men's room? I feel so foolish. Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?

Yeah, that was an awesome day.

Well, you can't. We're booked solid for the next month.

Well, I can't give you a massage.. because my license has been revoked again.

It's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips.

I know how that feels. Last semester, I had two students.. who wanted to take my 1:00 class, but it was full. So they had to take my 5:00.

That's not the same.

Oh, no. You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for seven years.

Oh, good. Okay, good for you. Trying to recapture the magic.

Tell them I'm a chef at a big New York restaurant. Tell them that in two weeks, I will once again be a masseuse in good standing.

Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge.

Don't you think that'll be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn?

It still seems a little.. 'Moonlight boat ride'?!

I don't know, but one of the extras sure did.

And also, so gay.

Well, at the Christmas party, him and Santa did some definitely-gay stuff.

Rach, if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay, I don't know if I could do this.

You look real familiar. Have we..? Shh! He's asking her a question.

Or, cut. You know, that's your call.

They must have seen me play before.. because they requested a bunch of my songs. Yeah, 'You Suck'.. and 'Shut Up and Go Home.'

Classy, huh?

He's wound up. We had to stop at every maple-candy stand on the way here. I ate all my gifts for everybody.

Check again, please. I'm sorry, it's not here. It's not there.

and if they're closed, then maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.

Does that room have a closet I can lock him in?

Each? I'm your date. So I pay for everything and have no sex. Oh, life before Monica.

Great. At $100 an apple, we're there.

It's the sugar. Could you hold the apple?

But they're not as good as me!

Screw her! That part is mine!

Kiss me. What? Kiss me. Rach, it doesn't say that. No, I'm saying it.

Well, that's new.

Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.

We're four short of a bushel!

God, I feel so alive. I love being in the country!

I wish I'd thought this through.

Yes, but the batteries.

When I was younger, I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese. And on our wedding night, I ate his head.

Olivia?! I thought she was marrying Connor?! Oh, right. Real life more important.

I took two psych classes in college. You took the same class twice. It was hard!

Right? I think this might even class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man.'

Right, yeah, okay. I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.

Excuse me. I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it. I can't see it.

Have you ever heard of a 'key'? It's what some people sing in.

Well, at least all my songs don't taste like garlic.

When I'm in a coffeehouse bopping along to one of your songs.. I'm wearing earplugs.

my bar sales have gone up like crazy.

What are people having, the garlic martini?

Oh, we did. And you still have all your lamps.

There's something new in the bowl. Look, we have enough. Just walk away. No, but I want the pine cones.

There's a forest right outside. It's not the same.

My maple candy!

You'd better get back in that kitchen. The garlic's not gonna overuse itself.

You made your point earlier when you spit in my guitar case.

Okay, who identified this restaurant's tone as 'pretentious-comma-garlicky'?

but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll-taking?

Who hopes the hand-raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me?

I couldn't find this little plastic thingy that goes in the top of the blender. And I thought, 'Well, you know, how important can that be?' Right? Turns out, very.

Wow, definitely just Drake.

Is this that thing you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? A little.

Well, just once.. with you.

What the hell are you talking about?

Thanks, dude. This is great!

That's weird, it's empty.

Do you guys hear a buzzing?