The One With The Soap Opera Party

Chandler:Well, I'll probably be doing what I do every night—falling asleep watching TV.

Chandler:I can fall asleep anywhere. One time I fell asleep during sex.

Monica:That was once, and you were drunk.

Chandler:Well, that's my point. I can fall asleep anywhere.

Chandler:Well, I could answer that question in a variety of—

Monica:We've come so far with women's rights. We can vote, we have careers, we're independent.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I for one think it's a travesty. A woman's place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant, making me a sandwich.

Phoebe:Oh, well, I'm thinking of people I really can't stand.

Phoebe:Like, there's this woman at the coffee shop who always orders a nonfat latte but then adds three pumps of caramel syrup, and I'm like, 'Make up your mind!'

Rachel:Oh, I dropped my keys!

Phoebe:I got it!

Rachel:Ow! Watch the—

Phoebe:Sorry, sorry! Here, let me just—

Rachel:No, no, my hair!

Phoebe:I'm trying to help!

Rachel:You just stepped on my foot!

Phoebe:Well, you elbowed me in the face!

Rachel:That was an accident!

Phoebe:So was this!

Rachel:You just knocked over my coffee!

Phoebe:Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just leave the keys on the ground.

Phoebe:Because then they'd be fooling around!

Monica:I have no idea what you just said.

Rachel:Like, um, there's Jessica and, um, Brian... No wait, um, Brandon and, um, um, Amber. No, that's not right either. Actually, I made those names up and I forgot them immediately.

Monica:I'm making a casserole with marshmallows, sardines, and mayonnaise.

Phoebe:Oh... okay. Is that... is that a real thing?

Monica:It's from my new cookbook.

Phoebe:Was it written by someone who hates food? Or people?

Ross:I have to meet with my professors, go over my dissertation...

Chandler:So basically you're just gonna be talking about dinosaurs?

Ross:Well, yes, but it's a bit more complicated than that.

Chandler:Talking about dinosaurs.

Ross:What? No, these are different. These are... these are leather.

Chandler:Ross, they're suede.

Ross:They are not!

Beautiful Woman:Do you know Ross Geller?

Ross:Ross Geller? No, I don't know him. I'm... I'm Brad Pitt.

Ross:I'm actually a very accomplished athlete. I run marathons, lift weights regularly, and I'm training for a triathlon.

Monica:We've become so invisible to him, I walked past him naked yesterday and he didn't even look up from his papers.

Chandler:Well, that's not necessarily about Ross.

Monica:He didn't even blink!

Charlie:This is a really impressive paper, Ross.

Ross:Oh, thanks. Yeah, I just, you know, threw it together.

Charlie:What? No, it's brilliant. You can't just 'throw together' paleontological research of this caliber.

Ross:No, no, I just meant... casually. Like, I didn't stress about it too much.

Charlie:That's even worse, Ross.

Joey:Oh man, Ross is totally into Charlie.

Chandler:Yeah, it's so obvious.

Joey:I give it like two weeks before he does something really stupid and she finds out.

Chandler:Two weeks? I'm thinking two days.

Joey:You know what? You're right. This is Ross we're talking about.

Ross:I have a very strict attendance policy. If you miss more than three classes, you're gone.

Ross:Of course, that's never really been a problem... because, well, they skip my class anyway.

Ross:We're not gonna wait for Professor... Professor...

Ross:Oh God. Oh God, that was my supervisor.

Joey:Hey, what happened to my answering machine message?

Chandler:It played while everyone was here.

Joey:WHAT?! You told them about the party?

Chandler:I didn't tell them, the machine did!

Joey:Well, don't blame me! I'm just the guy whose secret party got ruined by his own answering machine!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't tell anyone anything!

Chandler:Joe, you just told us the whole story.

Joey:No I didn't!

Monica:You literally just said everything.

Joey:Oh. Oh no.

Joey:You know what? I go to the button factory every year. I tell people it's closed, but it's not.

Joey:I just love buttons so much.

Ross:Can't you just invite me alone?

Joey:No way! Last time you met a celebrity, you told Brooke Shields her cleavage was a distraction during your lecture.

Ross:That was one time!

Joey:You also told Sarah Jessica Parker she looks like a horse.

Ross:I was nervous!

Joey:You're even worse than Chandler and his stupid jokes!

Ross:I'm fine! I'm totally fine. I'm over it.

Professor Spafford:There's lobster, shrimp, crab, mussels, oysters, clams... It's an absolute seafood paradise.

Professor Spafford:I'm allergic to shellfish.

Charlie:Oh, it's not over.

Spafford:My allergies are interesting.

Ross:No, they're not. Interesting would be if you had allergies to something unexpected. Allergies are common. They're not interesting, they're just... allergies.

Ross:I'm not just bored, I'm experiencing a level of tedium that defies the space-time continuum. My molecules are literally dying. I can feel my hair graying in real-time. This is what it must feel like to be a human elevator music speaker.

Charlie:Should we walk or run?

Ross:Well, if we walk, we maintain a normal pace but risk being seen. If we run, we draw attention but get away faster. Of course, running could cause us to tire more quickly, which would then slow us down, negating the initial speed advantage. Plus, there's the cardiovascular factor to consider...

Ross:Wait, we need to time this perfectly. If we leave now, we'll hit traffic, but if we wait, we might miss the window of opportunity, and then we'd have to reconsider the whole trajectory of our departure, taking into account weather patterns and—

Charlie:Or we could just go to the bathroom and then leave.

Monica:Did you know that the human body contains approximately 206 bones and 600 muscles?

Chandler:Wow, that's impressive! Where did you learn all that?

Monica:I memorized it from a Wikipedia article yesterday. I wanted to sound smart.

Ross:Charlie, you're so intelligent, so thoughtful, so genuinely kind and compassionate...

Ross:And you have really great breasts!

Charlie:Charlie appears right behind Ross

Charlie:Newcastle disease is a secretion-borne virus that only affects chickens and other poultry.

Rachel:Okay, yes, fine, I made up the chicken disease. But that doesn't mean I don't have it!

Rachel:Just because I invented it doesn't make it any less real. I have symptoms!

Rachel:Look, I'm very sick, and I need to go home.

Monica:Why are you all dressed up if you're sick?

Rachel:Well, I wanted to look nice in case... the doctor comes by.

Monica:The doctor comes to your apartment?

Rachel:He might! You never know. Plus, I could get better and want to go out.

Monica:Rachel, you have a 103-degree fever.

Rachel:Okay, fine. I have a date later and I didn't want to reschedule.

Monica:Rachel, you told me you were at the gym, but your hair is completely dry. You said you were working late, but I saw you at the movies. And you claimed you were visiting your parents, but they called looking for you!

Rachel:Okay, okay! You got me. You're like some kind of detective or something. I can't get anything past you.

Monica:Okay, okay, that museum tour was actually my idea. I planned the whole thing.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! This isn't what it looks like!

Joey:I was just... I was just getting dressed!

Joey:You should get a drink, calm down.

Monica:Joey, the last time I had a drink, I told Chandler he had a nice ass. I can't have a drink!

Chandler:Well, this is humiliating. I'm sitting alone in a theater watching a play about a woman who talks to her feet. And I paid for this.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! He looked right at me!

Chandler:Mon, he's a soap star. He looks at everyone.

Monica:I don't care! I'm leaving Richard!

Monica:I love you, Chandler.

Chandler:You do?

Monica:Yes, I do.

Monica:Oh my God, are those leather pants?

Ross:Did you just call Albert Einstein 'Albie'?

Charlie:Yeah, that's what his friends called him.

Ross:Albie? ALBIE?!

Ross:I mean, I'm not trying to pry, but your dating history is just so... fascinating. Do you realize I know more about your relationships than I do about celebrity gossip? And I read TMZ every morning!

Charlie:That's... not a compliment, is it?

Ross:No, no, it's actually kind of amazing. Most people need People magazine to feel invested in someone's love life. You? I've got a front-row seat.

Ross:Oh, a MacArthur genius grant? That's nice. I guess that makes them a loser compared to Nobel Prize winners.

Ross:I mean, how am I supposed to compete with these guys? One of them was a neurosurgeon, another was a concert pianist. I'm a paleontologist. I spend my days looking at dead things. Which, granted, is pretty cool, but it's not exactly... I'm not saving lives here. I'm just... I'm just looking at bones. Very old bones. Bones that have been dead for millions of years. So basically, I'm a guy who plays with dead things for a living.

Ross:So I tried to impress Charlie with a joke about paleontology...

Ross:I said, 'You know what they call a fossil that doesn't want to be studied? A rebellious sediment!'

Ross:She just stared at me. Not even a smile.

Joey:That was a great mammoth impression.

Ross:It's not just an impression, Joey. I've been studying the migration patterns of the woolly mammoth for three years.

Joey:Yeah, well, I've been studying women for twenty years.

Ross:That's... that's not the same thing at all.

Ross:'Can we walk?'

One-woman show performer:How could he leave me? I gave him the best years of my life!

Chandler:Well, maybe he wanted to see how the rest of them turned out.

Ross:I'm a real scientist. I have a PhD in paleontology.

Dirk:Yeah, well, my character won the Nobel Prize.

Ross:Your character is fictional.

Dirk:So?

Dirk:I got a 1200 on my SATs!

Joey:Wow, Monica! That's a lot of phone numbers. What are you doing with all of them?

Monica:I'm just keeping my options open.

Joey:Monica, that's not keeping your options open. That's a phone book.

Monica:Joey, this guy I'm dating, I think he might be in a cult.

Joey:A cult? Yeah, I was in a cult once.

Monica:You were?

Joey:Yeah, well, I don't know if you'd call it a cult exactly, but there were twelve of us living in this commune, there was a charismatic leader, and we all had to give him a portion of our money.

Monica:Oh my God, that's a cult!

Joey:Yeah... well, I got better prices on the cable.

Joey:So Monica, who are you going home with tonight?

Monica:I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

Joey:Well, whoever it is, they're a lucky guy.

Monica:Actually, I'm going home with Chandler.

Joey:Oh. You live together.

Chandler:Yeah, this play really changed my perspective on life. I read this one chapter that was so moving, so profound...

Chandler:It was called 'The Importance of Being Earnest.'

Chandler:So when did you get your first period?

Monica:I was twelve. My mother found my underwear in the trash and thought I'd murdered someone.

Joey:A Ph.D.? That's like... slumming it, right?

Phoebe:Ross, I read your paper on paleontology. It was really good.

Ross:Really? Thanks, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I especially liked the part where you talked about the, um, the dinosaur bones.

Ross:Wait, what? That's... that's just the entire paper.

Phoebe:I know, it was great.

Ross:Phoebe, have you been going through my stuff?

Phoebe:No!

Ross:You were snooping through my papers, weren't you?

Phoebe:Okay, fine. But it was on the table!

Ross:I mean, sure, he's good-looking, but look at him — he's an actor on a soap opera! I have a PhD!

Joey:Hey, how you doin'? Yeah, I know, I know. You thought I was really that dumb, didn't you? Well, joke's on you!