The One With Rachels Other Sister

Chandler:We could use the wedding china for Thanksgiving.

Monica:Oh, that's a great idea! Let's just save it for a really fancy occasion.

Chandler:So what you're saying is, either I use the china, or I'm a bad person?

Monica:No, that's not what I'm saying.

Chandler:Oh good, because for a second there I thought you were implying that my entire moral character hinged on whether or not I ate off the fancy dishes.

Monica:We should save the good china in case the Queen of England visits.

Chandler:Yeah, because she calls ahead. 'Hello Monica, it's the Queen. I'll be popping by Tuesday. Oh wait, I can't, I have to cancel. Again.'

Chandler:Your Majesty, I can explain the broken china.

Monica:No, no, no. I'll explain it. Your Majesty, he was using the good dishes without asking me.

Ross:This is a good parade this year.

Joey:Yeah, but did you see that horse? That thing just laid a huge one right on Fifth Avenue!

Joey:Muskogee, Oklahoma? Hey, that's where my grandmother's from!

Joey:Well, I'll be — a marching band from good ol' Muskogee. Now that there's some real American pride, I tell you what.

Joey:Wait a minute... that should be me on that float!

Joey:Okay, okay, I have a system, alright? I write important stuff on my hand.

Joey:See? Right here. But then I changed shirts and... I lost it.

Joey:The producers specifically told me I had to be here. They treated me like I was an idiot.

Ross:Well, you've certainly proved them wrong by forgetting.

Rachel:Are you thankful for breastfeeding? Yeah, you are. You know what? I think every baby in the world is thankful for breastfeeding.

Rachel:Quick, everyone hide the valuable jewelry!

Amy:Well, I've been busy too. I've been decorating Dad's office.

Rachel:Oh, Amy, that's great, but I pushed a human being out of my body.

Amy:Oh my God, hi! You must be little... uh... Bradley!

Amy:Wait, she's a girl?

Rachel:Do you remember Ross?

Amy:No, I don't think so. But he seems really smart and successful. Way better than some of Rachel's other boyfriends.

Amy:I mean, at least he's not some total geek like that other guy she dated.

Amy:Oh, you mean that geeky guy Rachel used to date? The one with the dinosaur obsession?

Ross:That was me!

Amy:And he wore those awful sweater vests and carried around a briefcase?

Ross:Yes, that's still me!

Amy:And didn't he cry at museums and get really excited about his job?

Ross:Okay, I'm sensing some judgment here.

Amy:The guy with the fat friend's brother with the bad Afro?

Ross:All me!

Chandler:Don't worry, I will be extremely careful with the china. In fact, I'm going to wrap myself in bubble wrap, move in slow motion, and never leave the house again. Problem solved!

Chandler:Wait, these aren't the china we picked out.

Monica:I know. I changed them. Your taste was too feminine.

Chandler:Too feminine? Monica, I picked out the subtle blue pattern with the delicate gold trim!

Monica:Exactly.

Chandler:Flowers are feminine?

Joey:I need a good lie. Can you help me?

Phoebe:Oh! The moon landing was fake.

Joey:No, Phoebe, I need a lie that people will believe.

Phoebe:Who took my muffin?

Joey:I was in the kitchen, right? And I see this raccoon. But this raccoon, he could talk. And he looks at me, and he says, 'Joey, that muffin looks delicious.' So I say, 'Back off, buddy, that's Phoebe's muffin.' But then he tells me this whole story about how he hasn't eaten in three days, and his family's depending on him. What am I supposed to do? I'm not a monster.

Joey:So the raccoon looks at me and says, 'You're a terrible liar, Joe. I've seen better acting in a car commercial.'

Raccoon:And by the way, folks at home, that's saying something.

Amy:She's so precious.

Amy:Too bad she didn't inherit her mother's nose. Oh wait, her mother didn't have one to inherit.

Rachel:Well, I mean, she could have gotten my real nose.

Ross:We don't actually live upstairs.

Amy:Wow, this apartment is really small. I mean, you're a doctor, right? Shouldn't you have a bigger place?

Chandler:Oh sure, a Ph.D. is just as good as an M.D. Yeah, when I have a heart attack, I'll call Ross. He can tell me all about dinosaurs while I'm dying.

Amy:Yeah, my boyfriend canceled on me last night.

Amy:His wife came back from her trip early.

Amy:I mean, it's not a deal-breaker or anything, but it is inconvenient.

Rachel:We should invite Amy to Thanksgiving.

Ross:That's like the Pilgrims giving the Native Americans disease.

Ross:I don't want Amy telling Emma she needs a nose job or something.

Rachel:Well, I mean, what if she does?

Amy:I just needed a break. Being a mom is exhausting.

Rachel:Yeah, because standing in the hallway is really bonding you two.

Amy:Oh my God, you're Dr. Ramoray from Days of Our Lives!

Amy:You were terrible.

Amy:Oh, she's so cute! Hi Phoebe!

Rachel:It's Emma.

Amy:Right, Emma. Oh my God, she sounds like Phoebe when she cries!

Phoebe:Hey!

Phoebe:I'm a really great liar.

Monica:No you're not.

Phoebe:Yes I am! Like, that dress looks really nice on you.

Monica:Thank you.

Phoebe:I'm a moron.

Amy:You know what would be incredible? If Ross and Rachel died.

Amy:It would be incredible if you and Ross died.

Rachel:Thank you so much.

Amy:If Ross and Rachel die, I get Emma. And then I'm gonna put her in a nice dress, take her to a salon, get her hair done, and then I'm gonna find her a rich husband.

Amy:I'd change the baby's name from Emily.

Rachel:It's Emma.

Rachel:Ross!

Phoebe:Goo goo ga ga!

Amy:What? I don't understand what you're saying.

Amy:Who are you people?

Chandler:We live here. We live in this apartment.

Ross:You don't seem very connected to the baby.

Amy:It's a lump.

Chandler:I can't believe you're trusting me with Emma. This means so much to me.

Amy:Really? YOU?

Monica:And please, be very careful with this china. It's extremely expensive and fragile.

Monica:So no running around, no pratfalls, no physical comedy of any kind. I'm serious.

Amy:Why is my plate different from everyone else's?

Monica:Oh, that's a winning plate.

Amy:A winning plate?

Monica:Yeah, it's very special. You're lucky to have it.

Amy:Oh my God, really? I had no idea!

Rachel:Monica is Ross's sister.

Amy:Oh, I remember her. She was really fat.

Monica:I know.

Monica:You have to be very careful with the knife. Make sure you use a nice smooth cutting motion.

Monica:It's actually fun!

Amy:So if something happens to you, Monica becomes the guardian?

Monica:Yes, I'm the backup.

Amy:Okay, but what if something happens to Monica too?

Phoebe:Then it goes to the next person on the list.

Amy:Who's that? Crazy plate lady?

Monica:I have a name, Amy.

Amy:I know, but 'crazy plate lady' is faster. Anyway, what if something happens to all three of you?

Chandler:Then Joey gets the kids.

Amy:Joey? The guy who can barely take care of himself?

Joey:Hey!

Amy:So let me get this straight. I'm not getting Emma no matter what?

Amy:Wait, how many of you have to die before I get her?

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's saying Chandler isn't good enough.

Phoebe:Really? Because your eye just twitched.

Ross:It did not.

Phoebe:There it goes again!

Chandler:What's wrong with me as a guardian?

Chandler:I'd be the sole survivor of whatever killed Ross, Rachel, and Monica.

Chandler:Remember when you told me that thing about lying? Yeah, you're really bad at it.

Chandler:I can't imagine losing Monica and our kids. That would be the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Amy:Oh my God, that's a great movie pitch! 'Man loses everything.' I can see it now.

Monica:Chandler is not irresponsible! At least he didn't have a baby by accident!

Ross:Hey!

Rachel:Yeah!

Monica:I'm just saying, you two didn't exactly plan Emma's conception.

Monica:You already said it to me last week!

Joey:If I don't show up, I lose the job. If I lose the job, I lose the apartment. If I lose the apartment, I lose my furniture. If I lose my furniture...

Chandler:You're not actually going to lose your furniture, Joe.

Joey:No, but I won't be able to replace it! And if I can't replace it, I'll have to sit on the floor. And if I sit on the floor...

Monica:You'll get splinters?

Joey:Exactly! And if I get splinters, I won't be able to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Chandler:Wait, what? How does that follow?

Joey:I don't know, but I'm not missing the parade!

Joey:Does this lie involve a spaceship?

Phoebe:No, no spaceship. But okay, so I was the Statue of Liberty, right? And I was standing in the harbor, and this tugboat came by, and the captain was like, 'Hey, Lady Liberty, you wanna go get some clams?' And I was like, 'Sure!' So we went to this underwater clam restaurant, and there were these mermaid waitresses, and one of them was my half-sister from a past life.

Joey:My grandmother just died.

Joey:So anyway, there was this raccoon in my apartment...

Phoebe:Joey, your grandmother didn't die.

Monica:Oh, that's a great idea! Why don't we just take all my mother's china and use it as a frisbee? We could smash my grandmother's crystal with hammers! We could use my wedding dress as a napkin!

Chandler:Hey, I'm hurt! You don't trust me with Emma?

Chandler:Fine. Then I'm taking Joey.

Joey:What?

Chandler:If I can't be trusted with a baby, I certainly can't be trusted with you.

Amy:This is classic Rachel.

Rachel:Oh yeah, because in high school I was really known for... what? Being the girl who didn't know what was going on? Is that it?

Amy:I'm focusing on my decorator career right now.

Rachel:Oh, that's great! You know, it's like when a koala decides to become a zookeeper. Sure, the koala has no experience, no credentials, and frankly, no business being anywhere near the zoo, but that koala is FOCUSED. That koala is really committed to this new path. I'm sure it'll work out great for everyone.

Amy:You didn't even visit me during my lip surgery!

Rachel:Amy, I didn't know which one to visit you at.

Rachel:I can't believe you would take HIS side, Derek!

Ross:It's Derek, and—

Rachel:Oh, so now you're correcting me? Whose side are you on?!

Rachel:You can't handle the responsibility of a child.

Amy:Oh please, how hard can it be? I mean, look at you.

Amy:I can't believe you did that!

Rachel:Did what?

Amy:You got the last item on sale! I was going to buy it!

Rachel:It was only 10% off.

Amy:Wait, only 10%? Oh thank God, I thought it was more!

Amy:I don't know why you're even trying. You'll never be as good of a mother as me.

Rachel:Are you serious right now?

Amy:And another thing - your baby is ugly!

Ross:Okay, that's it. You just insulted my daughter. You crossed a line.

Rachel:I'm stronger than you.

Amy:No way, I go to the gym.

Rachel:I do Pilates three times a week.

Amy:Well I can bench press 100 pounds.

Rachel:I can bench press 110 pounds.

Amy:Oh yeah? Arm wrestle me right now.

Rachel:You're on.

Monica:No, no, no! Not the china! That's Limoges!

Rachel:I don't care if it's from Paris!

Monica:It IS from Paris! Do you know how much this costs?!

Monica:Careful! CAREFUL! You're going to break—NO!

Rachel:Get off me!

Amy:Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I'll mess up that precious hair of yours? That's the only thing that matters to you anyway!

Rachel:That is not true!

Amy:Please, you spend more time on your hair than you do talking to actual people. I bet if I cut it, you'd actually have a personality!

Chandler:Hey, hey, hey! Why don't you guys just break it up?

Ross:Oh, come on! We're just getting to the good part. Hey, Monica, get the camera! This is gonna be huge on YouTube!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Be careful! You could hurt yourself!

Joey:Actually, go ahead. Take your shirt off and hit him!

Chandler:You two are sisters! You shouldn't be fighting like this. You should be supporting each other.

Monica:Oh please, Chandler. You're one to talk about taste.

Chandler:What's wrong with my taste?

Rachel:You're the one who wanted those floral dishes.

Chandler:Those are classic! And for your information, they're not feminine, they're... sophisticated.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I think I've figured this out. You two just need to communicate better and—

Chandler:—and I have to say, watching you two argue is really turning me on.

Ross:Wait, so you're saying if something happens to Monica and Chandler, you'd have to die too before I could take custody of Emma?

Chandler:Well, not die exactly. But yeah, basically I'd have to be completely incapacitated or something.

Ross:So what you're telling me is that I need you dead. Like, really dead. Not just mostly dead.

Chandler:I'm sensing some hostility here.

Chandler:Hey, if something happens to me, I get Joey, right?

Monica:Well, he can't dress himself, he can't feed himself...

Monica:He once spent an entire weekend trying to get into his apartment because he couldn't find his keys. They were in his hand.

Chandler:So... that's a no?

Monica:You know, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a plate. Plates are replaceable.

Ross:Monica, it's okay to be upset. You don't have to be philosophical about everything.

Monica:But they were my good plates...

Ross:Then grieve. Cry. Be mad. You have my permission.

Monica:Oh my God, thank you for giving me permission. I've been holding this in for so long.

Monica:*breaks down crying* Those plates were beautiful! They were perfect! And now they're gone!

Ross:I said the pies, not pie. There's a difference.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross, I don't care anymore. Just... I don't care.

Rachel:I can get you my Ralph Lauren discount.

Amy:Oh my God, really? After everything? You'd do that for me?

Rachel:Yeah, of course.

Amy:We're sisters again!

Chandler:I can change a diaper. I've got a low guardianship ranking, I'm not allowed within 200 yards of a school, and I've got a note from my psychiatrist saying I'm only a danger to myself.

Chandler:How hard can it be? I've changed a diaper before.

Chandler:Okay, I'm going in. If I'm not back in twenty minutes, call my mother.

Joey:Thanks for teaching me how to lie, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Oh, no problem! You know, if you ever need to learn how to steal a car or forge a check, just let me know.

Chandler:Monica, do you know anything about the broken plates?

Monica:What broken plates?

Joey:Oh! Oh! That reminds me of the time I was attacked by a raccoon!