The One With Rosss Inappropriate Song

Ross:Okay, Emma, so daddy and mommy were on a break. That means we weren't together anymore.

Ross:But I slept with someone else, and mommy got really upset about it.

Ross:The thing is, we were on a break! So technically, I wasn't cheating.

Ross:Yeah, I know you don't understand now, but trust me, this argument will ruin my entire life.

Ross:Oh, look at you! Yes, you've got your daddy's eyes. You've got your mommy's nose. And you've got your... you've got your mommy's everything else!

Ross:Hey Emma, you know what? Daddy's gonna teach you some cool music. *singing* 'I'm gonna make love to you, woman—'

Monica:ROSS!

Ross:*stops, realizes* Oh... oh no.

Ross:Emma laughed! She laughed! Did you hear that? She laughed at my song!

Rachel:Ross, the song was about your stomach making noises.

Ross:I don't care! She laughed! That's her first real laugh! This is the best day of my life!

Ross:I made Emma laugh!

Rachel:Ross, that was Eminem on the speaker.

Ross:Well, he had a good setup. I closed it out.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God. What have I done? What have I done?!

Joey:It's taped to the back of my toilet tank.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't say that.

Joey:I said... I'm a doctor. A astronaut doctor.

Joey:Who delivers babies... in space.

Joey:I'm telling you, this emu farm is gonna be huge! I've done my research.

Chandler:Joey, what exactly do you think an emu is?

Joey:It's like a big chicken, right? We sell the eggs, we make a fortune!

Monica:Joey, emus are birds, but they're not chickens. They're from Australia.

Joey:Australia, chicken — same thing! They're both animals that lay eggs!

Phoebe:Actually, emus can be really aggressive. My friend's cousin got chased by one.

Joey:Aggressive? No way. They're just big, fluffy, delicious...

Rachel:Delicious? Joey, people don't eat emus!

Joey:They don't? Well, they should! I'm gonna be rich!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. People eat birds? Like, actual birds?

Chandler:Yes, Joey. Chicken, turkey, duck...

Joey:But... but birds are our friends! How do people just... eat them?

Monica:Joey, we've been eating birds your whole life.

Joey:Not me! I thought they were like... I don't know, I thought people made them into little outfits or something!

Chandler:Wait, how did you know Richard was selling his apartment?

Monica:What? I... I don't know what you're talking about.

Chandler:Monica, you knew before anyone told you. How?

Monica:I... okay, fine. Richard told me.

Chandler:Richard told you? When? How is that even possible?

Monica:He called me.

Chandler:He called you? Why would he call you about that?

Chandler:I can't join Richard's golf group. Every time I see him, I have this violent fantasy where I shave off his mustache with a nine iron.

Rachel:I can't believe all I talk about anymore is baby stuff. I used to have actual conversations!

Monica:I know, right? What did we even talk about before?

Rachel:I have no idea.

Monica:Me neither.

Monica:Just be yourself when you meet Mike's parents.

Rachel:No, don't do that. They're really rich.

Phoebe:Could you maybe just lie to me?

Monica:I was just using a flirting technique I learned from my father.

Rachel:Wait, your father taught you how to flirt?

Monica:Well, not exactly. I had someone take the SATs for me.

Rachel:Wait, Monica cheated on her SATs?

Monica:I was stressed!

Rachel:Oh my God, all this time you've been acting so superior with your 'Ivy League' brain!

Monica:Rachel, I still got into Cornell!

Rachel:Yeah, well now I know why you stress-clean so much. You're trying to get your conscience spotless since your college application wasn't!

Monica:The key to winning over a mother is to compliment her children. Tell her what wonderful kids she has.

Monica:Like, 'Your son is so smart and handsome,' or 'Your daughter is so pretty and well-adjusted.'

Ross:Monica, that's my mother you're talking about.

Monica:I know! See how easy it is?

Rachel:What?!

Monica:What? I'm just saying, you know, some people are naturally funny and some people... aren't.

Rachel:Oh my God, I missed Emma's first laugh?

Rachel:This is all your fault, Phoebe!

Phoebe:My fault? I wasn't even there!

Rachel:Exactly!

Ross:Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ross:No, no, the real laugh isn't as creepy as that.

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me this song is actually about... oh my God. Oh my God, no. That's not... that can't be what it's about.

Rachel:It's about a woman who... and he's... and she doesn't even know he's... Oh my God!

Rachel:This is insane! How is this a real song? How do people listen to this?

Ross:What? It's a classic! The lyrics are just... poetic expressions of the era.

Ross:Look, if you listen to the bridge, it's actually quite sophisticated!

Ross:Okay, okay, the video might be a little suggestive, but the musicianship is undeniable!

Ross:Fine! Maybe some of the imagery is questionable, but it's ironic! It's social commentary!

Ross:You know what? You're all philistines. This song is a masterpiece and I will not apologize for my impeccable taste!

Ross:Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, but hear me out!

Ross:I am begging you. On my knees. Please, just give me one more chance to explain!

Ross:I'm a paleontologist! I know about extinction, and I don't want us to be extinct!

Chandler:So Richard's selling his apartment? I hope his real estate agent gets hit by a bus.

Chandler:Actually, not a bus. I hope he gets a paper cut. And then he walks into a lake.

Chandler:A lake of lemon juice.

Chandler:And then a surgeon comes by and grafts a picture of a guy with a better mustache onto his face.

Real Estate Agent:He's very successful, he's very handsome, he's very intelligent...

Chandler:Yeah, okay, but is he a REAL person?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're not together! I mean, I love the guy, but come on!

Chandler:Oh, so just like that? You're breaking up with me? We had something special, Joe. Something magical. I thought what we had meant something to you.

Chandler:I picture him in a really pathetic, weak moment. Like, he's crying over a Hallmark card, and he's eating ice cream straight from the container, and he's watching Oprah.

Monica:That's you.

Chandler:Yeah, well, in my fantasy, I'm Richard!

Joey:I can't see myself living in Richard's apartment.

Joey:Oh, wait. I just sat on the couch. Okay, I'm in.

Chandler:Oh, so you've got all the classics here. Let me guess... Ingmar Bergman? Fellini? Kurosawa? What, no Merchant Ivory?

Chandler:Because nothing says 'I'm a man' like settling in with a nice cup of tea and watching a three-hour Swedish film about the meaning of death.

Joey:Oh my God, is this a sex tape?

Monica:No!

Joey:Oh, come on, Monica. We've all made one.

Chandler:We need to get that tape back now! I'm not waiting another second!

Mike:You look great! Like a young Diane Keaton in The First Wives Club.

Phoebe:That's not a compliment, is it?

Phoebe:Well, you know, my parents aren't rich, but when they die, I'm gonna be loaded.

Phoebe:Wait, this place has three floors? Oh my God, I've been living in a closet!

Mike:Why are you acting like this?

Phoebe:I'm not acting. This is just how I am.

Mike:Come on, nobody is naturally this weird.

Phoebe:Well, I grew up on the streets, lived in a box, and my mother was a Christmas tree. So yeah, I'm pretty weird.

Phoebe:Oh, well, I was born in Poland. I used to live on the streets, my mother killed herself, my father was a bank robber. Then I got very ill from eating toxic waste, and I nearly died.

Phoebe:But I pulled through. And now I'm a masseuse and a musician.

Phoebe:Yeah, so anyway, I was living on the street, I had this pimp named Artie. He was really nice, but he had this weird thing where he would only accept payment in the form of baked goods. So I'd go out and turn tricks for Entemann's, you know? One day I got hepatitis. Artie said, 'Phoebe, you're not worth a chocolate chip cookie anymore.'

Phoebe:I don't report my massage income. I just tell the government I make like twelve thousand a year.

Phoebe:So... do you come to this country club often?

Chandler:I'm not even going to watch it. I'm just going to delete it. I'm not even going to look. I'm going to close my eyes, find the file, and delete it without watching. ...I'm going to watch it.

Chandler:Just imagine you're married.

Joey:Okay, I'm married. Now what?

Chandler:Well, what does your wife look like?

Joey:She's beautiful.

Chandler:Okay, what's her name?

Joey:Uh... Erica.

Chandler:How many kids do you have?

Joey:Uh, two. A boy and a girl.

Chandler:What are their names?

Joey:Uh... Brady and Emma.

Joey:A woman who lets you tape her? She's not the kind of girl you marry, man. She's the kind of girl you... well, you know.

Joey:Yeah! Come on! Come on, get it, get it! Oh! Oh! He is good! He is really good!

Chandler:Joey, what are you watching?

Joey:Football! It's the best sport ever!

Chandler:That's figure skating.

Joey:I don't care! Look at how flexible he is!

Phoebe:Hi, I'm Phoebe. Do you have a map? I just keep losing myself in your eyes.

Man:Um... thanks?

Phoebe:Yeah, well Rachel said it works.

Phoebe:Wow, you're in great shape! Your abs are amazing!

Phoebe:Let me just test that...

Phoebe:*punches Theodore in the stomach*

Theodore:How could you know? Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?

Phoebe:I've never met Mike's parents.

Mike:You've never met my parents? We've been dating for like two years!

Phoebe:I know, I know, it's just never come up.

Mike:How does that never come up? Don't you want to know where I come from? Who raised me?

Phoebe:Your son is very considerate. He always makes sure I... finish first.

Mike's Mother:That's... nice.

Phoebe:No, no, I meant I'm a gentle lover. Like, I'm very tender and caring.

Phoebe:I take my time, I use a lot of foreplay, I make sure my partner feels completely comfortable and cherished.

Phoebe:I've been told I have very soft hands and I whisper sweet nothings the entire time.

Bitsy:I... I need to sit down. Actually, I need to lie down. Actually, I need to move to another state.

Rachel:Oh, Emma! That's my girl.

Rachel:Oh, come on! Emma loves that song. She asks for it all the time.

Ross:Rachel, she's two years old. She can't even talk yet.

Rachel:Well, she understands more than you think. And honestly, the rhythm is very soothing.

Phoebe:Well, someone had to say something. You guys were all just sitting there staring at your food like it was going to get up and run away.

Mike:You know, you have some other songs, right?

Phoebe:Oh yeah! I have 'My Vagina's in a Band.'

Phoebe:And then I have 'Chocolate Chip Cookie Vagina.'

Phoebe:And 'The Ballad of Seymour's Butt.'

Phoebe:Oh no, I can't eat veal. I'm a vegetarian.

Phoebe:Well, I love veal.

Phoebe:I love veal. It's so tender.

Phoebe:Actually, I love all baby animals. I love eating them. They're so cute and delicious.

Monica:You stole the tape?

Chandler:Well, you're on it!

Chandler:I'm picturing Richard in some sort of really nice place, you know, with like exposed brick and a skylight, and there's probably like a cello player in the corner, just playing away.

Chandler:I could have a mustache if I wanted to. I could have a big, bushy mustache.

Chandler:I'm trying not to think about Monica's ex-boyfriends.

Chandler:But I keep picturing her with... with all these guys.

Monica:Chandler, there weren't that many.

Chandler:I know, but in my mind, you're like a Playboy centerfold... who's also a sailor.

Chandler:Well, whoever's in those cowboy boots, they're not me. I mean, look at that stride—that's a man who knows how to wear denim. I wouldn't know a cowboy boot from a... a regular boot. These are loafers, people!

Monica:You taped over me? You taped over me with a Knicks game?

Richard:Monica, it was just a tape—

Monica:Just a tape? Richard, that tape had me singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' at band camp! I was a soprano!

Monica:He taped over my wedding video with a golf tournament! And you know what the worst part is? He didn't even use a blank tape. He used one of mine!

Monica:Do you know how much blank tapes cost? A dollar ninety-nine! A dollar ninety-nine, and he couldn't even spring for that!

Monica:I mean, at least when I was dating him, I had serious addiction issues. She doesn't even have that!

Bitsy:I know someone perfect for you, Mike. She's smart, she's pretty, she's got a great sense of humor.

Mike:Does she have a pulse?

Bitsy:Usually. But I'm thinking of setting you up with someone else anyway.

Phoebe:Oh, that's cool. I'm cool with that.

Bitsy:Yeah? Well, how would you like it if I said your songs are terrible and you should give up music?

Phoebe:I'd say you're a stupid head with a stupid face!

Bitsy:She was a street ho.

Mike:I love Phoebe. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I know that some of you think that she's a little weird, but... you know what? My parents' friends are weird too. And they're terrible people.

Phoebe:Oh, and one more thing — I threw up in your umbrella stand.