Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer

News Reporter:So much for having nine lives. This cat did not land on her feet. She landed on her neck.

What's next? A watermelon?

Lance Girard:a, uh, reverse nipplectomy. That's where they add more nipples.

Lance Girard:The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch.

Although he did request to draw his own blood, which is kind of strange.

Lance Girard:Two hours. Never moved. Never blinked. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

Dennis:Did I kill Maureen? No. Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

You ever seen a grown woman take a dump in a sandbox?

Charlie:Testing. Testing. Syphilis. Syphilis.

Dee:Well, he kind of... snapped the neck, uh, off a crow one time a little bit.

Dee:But that... but that's not not normal right, you know? I mean, it was just like boys being boys.

Mac:She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.

Frank:He broke the thing's head clean off. It was gruesome. I still have nightmares about it. And I'm old.

Dennis:that crow was injured, and I was simply putting it out of its misery, while, yes, testing the tensile strength of a crow's neck.

Dennis:Well, yes, there was another crow, but that's because I simply couldn't believe that a crow's neck could be that weak. Well, yes, there was a third crow, and a fourth, if you must know, but who likes crows?

Mac:Look, if you can kill a crow, you can kill a cat. Cat, cat, cat...

Dennis:I could have worn a goddamn IMAX camera around my neck and he wouldn't have noticed.

Frank:Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam, we found a cat, we tossed it right in the soup. Those hungry bastards ate cat soup every day.

Frank:Some little kid choke on a hairball and die. So then you toss him in the soup. I was making money hand over foot, literally. Somebody lost a hand or a foot, I'd toss it in the soup.

Frank:Well, that's all a lie. Uh, there was no soup.

Frank:Nope. There's no sweatshop.

Mac:We were doing this amazing thing that I came up with, where we watch an old movie, and then I turn the volume down really low and we make wiseacre remarks the entire time.

Dennis:Yeah, he didn't come up with it. It's just Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Mac:It's a spin on that.

Dennis:It's exactly that.

Mac:Well, there's no robots.

Dennis:So it's worse.

Dennis:Yeah, he didn't come up with it. It's just Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Dennis:H-He, like, pauses the movie to try and think of something funny to say, and then he never can think of anything funny, so he ends up just saying a line from Borat or Austin Powers.

Mac:Well, uh, like this. "Get in my belly." But you're never referring to anything when you say it. "Yeah, baby. Get in my belly."

Mac:Multiple characters in the same movie? What is he, a wizard?

Dennis:Well, that's two different characters. That's Mike Myers. It's not Mike Myers. It's... it's multiple characters that Mike Myers plays in-in the same movie.

Mac:Multiple characters in the same movie? What is he, a wizard?

Dee:Now, supposably, Dennis didn't see Maureen that night,

Mac:"Wife. Very nice." That was Borat.

Narrator:To avoid confusion, it should be pointed out that in a bizarre twist, Deandra Reynolds refused to be a part of this documentary unless we allowed her to play Maureen in the reenactment.

Charlie:Oh, I just thought it'd be more dramatic if I...

Dennis:Call him on the phone and threaten him?

Mac:Where's the collar? Cats have collars. Maureen's body didn't have a collar on it. Killers keep trophies. Alls I'm saying, find the collar, find the killer.

Mac:Dennis has an answer for everything. Well, answer me this: Where's the collar? Cats have collars. Maureen's body didn't have a collar on it. Killers keep trophies. Alls I'm saying, find the collar, find the killer.

Dee:I put one squirt in there for... on purpose. And this collar! I... Th-There's something wrong with the collar. It's driving me nuts.

Dee:You son of a bitch. I-I really think the water activated some kind of, like, chemical agent. My-my neck's burning.

Dennis:Was I a person of interest? Yeah. I am an interesting person.

Dennis:What about the security footage of Maureen's death? I mean, it shows her prancing around on the roof like an asshole, and then she just falls off.

Mac:Like, it's better to actually sit on that footage until, like, maybe episode ten, and then let people decide then if you're guilty or not.

Mac:Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show. But you never give any actual answers, because that's what people love.

Mac:Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show. But you never give any actual answers, because that's what people love. You drag it out. You rake it all over the victim's family.

Mac:It's sort of like eating a bag of chips, you know? It's never gonna actually make you full, and at the end you're sick, but you want to go back for more. You want more chips. Murder is chips.

Dennis:very nice.

Mac:Is that Borat?

Dennis:Yes!

Mac:See? He gets it. He's laughing.

Mac:I'll be back.

Mac:Oh... Who is that? Who is that?