The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

Charlie:I hope he plays 'The Piña Colada Song,' man...

Dennis:Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song, but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

Dennis:We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years. Have you ever heard him play it?

Charlie:No, but he's not gonna play all of his hits every single time.

Dee:Were you in the women's room?

Dee:Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

Mac:Why not?

Dee:'Cause it's my bathroom, and you're a man.

Mac:Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man, I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room...

Dee:Oh, come on, the... with the gay thing again.

Oh, I hope he plays that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all do.

Yeah, he won't, he won't.

Dee:Maybe you're antiquated. Maybe I'm...

Mac:Get off me! Get off me! Get him off me!

Frank:We should've got cheeseburgers.

Dennis:Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers for paradise.

Charlie:That is Buffett, that one, right?

Dennis:Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers for paradise.

Mac:Well, 'A,' we both like dudes, and 'B,' we both find women's bodies disgusting, so there's no hanky-panky.

Well, that tracks

Yeah, sure, that makes sense

Dee:Okay, 'A,' not all women like dudes... lesbians, for example... and, 'B,' I find you disgusting.

Mac:I don't know why you're being such a bitch about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

Mac:You've been in the stall next to me. I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

Dee:I don't own pink heels.

Mac:Yes, you do.

Mac:The ones with the straps that, that makes those giant feet look so dainty and cute.

Dennis:Charlie, I do hope that the explaining you're gonna do is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

Mac:Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

Dennis:Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

Charlie:No. I just like to use the women's bathroom, because it's, you know, it's quieter, it's less crowded. And very clean.

Charlie:I slip on the heels, in case someone looked under the stall. I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

Charlie:The wig is just in case someone peeks over the top... Goddamn it. The dress just ties the whole look together, so, you know.

Charlie:Goddamn it. It... Look, the dress just ties the whole look together, so, you know.

Charlie:I was raised by a single mother... she carried around a dress with her. She would slip it on, and I would go in and out of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

Charlie:It's the only way I can poop, so...

Dennis:Oh, okay. It is what it is, and it is very strange, but it does bring up an interesting point.

Dennis:Well... He's-he's not transgender, but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

Dee:No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that 'cause my bathroom's nicer.

Is that, is that a hand dryer?

Oh, damn.

Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here.

Oh, goddamn it.

Frank:So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

Frank:Why do I have to keep learning new things?

Frank:I don't like thinking about gender fluids. Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

Mac:That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral about my gender.

Mac:Hey, do you know how to get Russian malware out of a computer? No. Then the computer's broken.

Mac:It's just dicks. No. There's... I mean, yes. There are a couple of dicks, but... It's mostly dicks. That's a lot of dicks.

Mac:No, there's also pictures of road kill and roast beef sandwiches to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

Dennis:I assume the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

Frank:Well, it ain't the Mormons.

Frank:Because I want to know who's in there, because it'll make me feel safer.

Both signs say 'toilet.' That's a good point. I think that would work... We solved it!

Frank:A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

Frank:Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom with a bunch of broads... A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

Dee:My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution...

Dennis:Okay, well, the Bible says...

Mac:Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

Dennis:We veer wildly off-topic, and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying to solve, you know.

Dennis:Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

Charlie:They do, though, 'cause I've seen one.

Mac:You stupid twink! I'm a bear! I'm a bear! You wish you were a bear!

Dennis:This is not Buffett. This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

Frank:Room number one for when you got to empty your balls, and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

Dennis:Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

Charlie:You ever see their eyes when they're doing it? They know. Yeah. They look at you like this.

Mac:I wouldn't do that.

Really?

Mac:Yeah.

I'd poop in the pee room.

I would poop immediately in the pee room.

100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

A loud noise, like screaming. Or just music. Let's do music.

Mac:The screaming's kind of cool, right? It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

Charlie:I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

Frank:The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

Frank:The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

Dennis:Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet.

Dennis:Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

Frank:I always carry a gun on the toilet. Otherwise, I can't make.

Frank:I always carry a gun on the toilet. Otherwise, I can't make.

Frank:There's a part in here that says that freed slaves are only three-fifths of a person.

Frank:There's a part in here that says that freed slaves are only three-fifths of a person.

Frank:White landowners would get a full bathroom. Everybody else gets three-fifths. How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom? Piss in the sink.

Mac:And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

Dennis:Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign on one of the bathrooms that says 'minorities only'?

Mac:No, no, it's super progressive. Yeah, i-it's a bathroom for women, non-whites, and gays.

Dennis:Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay with Mac using your bathroom?

Dee:Yeah. As long as the majority of the people aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

Dennis:I like mine with lettuce and tomato. ♪ Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. ♪ But that's just me, you know?

Frank:Hawaiians are savages.

Mac:And societies are judged on how they treat their most vulnerable. See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

Mac:Shut up, Dee! I'm talking! Women are always... Goddamn it.

Mac:We need to change our attitudes. We need to change our latitudes.

Charlie:Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly. It says here that this city is 54% women and 68% Christian.

Charlie:It says here that this city is 54% women and 68% Christian... which means that Mac and Dee are in the majority... which means white men, like me and Dennis, are in the minority.

Mac:I don't know. They're at war.

Frank:You are white. And I'm a...? Man. And that would make me...? In the minority. Which means I go towards...? Us.

Dennis:Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

Frank:Yeah! Finally, something for us. Something for the guys.

Charlie:♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪

Mac:That's Beach Boys.

Charlie:It is.

Mac:You used Buffett's words to promote discrimination, dude. It's not cool.

Charlie:♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪ That's Beach Boys. It is. I don't know the songs.

Mac:It's about a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

Dennis:Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

Charlie:As a straight man who poops transgender...

You got to just let that go.

Charlie:I'll probably stop doing that. It's not a thing.

Charlie:In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed. Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

Dennis:Dee... we were just talking, and you just barged right in... Shut the fuck up. Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

Everyone singing Piña Colada song with wrong lyrics as they go to concert