Mac and Dennis Become EMTs

Don't think this guy's gonna make it. You hear me? Did you have an OPA. Breathing's irregular and weak.

Mac:We don't know this guy from Adam. We've never seen him before at all. He's a total outsider.

Dennis:I never saw him before in the bar at all.

Mac:I thought he was, like, a jazzman. I mean, he had a ponytail. He had a piano-key tie.

Mac:His goddamn heart just stopped for no reason.

Dennis:Not no reason. You gave him a hot pepper.

Dennis:Don't... They don't have to know that.

You'd think that a jazzman would be more accustomed to spices, you know? Right? You'd think he'd be fine.

Charlie:Sorry. Wh-What's with the food delivery here?

Dee:Oh. I'm, uh, doing a Postmates thing as a side gig.

Charlie:You don't think I can make a burger and smash it? I'll smash a burger for you.

Dee:What the hell, Frank? A 5% tip?

Frank:Pedal faster. It's cold as shit.

Mac:Hey, did anybody else get, like, a crazy rush from that experience? I did. It's nice to have a little action around here, right?

Mac:You know, it's as close to playing God as you can get, you know? And the lifestyle. There's an appeal to it for sure.

Mac:You know that they bang the doctors and the nurses, right?

Dennis:Of course they do. Of course they do. Are you kidding me?

Dennis:The lifestyle is spicier than one of Frank's ghost peppers.

Frank:You're not cake, are you?

Jazzman:Nah. It's just a joke between me and the guys...

Frank:Well, y-you know, actually, it's not my fault. Well, sure, I gave you a hot pepper and you had a heart attack, but, you know, I-I kind of attribute that to the... you know, the jazzman lifestyle more than the pepper.

Frank:Eh? Just checking about the cake thing. You never know with those guys.

Frank:What's with the getup?

The Lawyer:It's not a getup. It's an eye patch from when I was attacked by a bird.

Gruesome.

I wish I'd have seen that.

You did see it.

I don't remember.

The Lawyer:You don't remember being present in a court of law while a wild animal pecked out someone's eye?

Frank:Can you be more specific?

Frank:I'm innocent.

The Lawyer:You literally just admitted it.

Frank:I was lying.

The Lawyer:To a man in a coma?

Frank:I thought he was cake.

Dennis:Well, instead of taking 100% of the dose 10% of the time, we take 10% of the dose 100% of the time. That is scientifically more better.

Dennis:The snugness, uh, really accentuates your physique. If-If that's okay to say. Uh... It's not, but let's continue, huh?

Dennis:When I just referred to the gentleman to my right as my partner, I meant in medicine, not in life. In life, I am very much single.

Dennis:Now, when we get to the chest compressions, should I take your shirt off or should you take mine off?

EMT Instructor:No shirts come off.

Mac:Well, somebody doesn't understand double time. You see, I'm pushing to a much spicier song. Is everyone familiar with the Gipsy Kings's "Bamboléo"?

Charlie:Say, "Yes, Chef." Why? Because the stakes are, uh, very high, you know, this is high-stakes stuff. Stakes of what? The cooking! It's-It's life-and-death stuff, man.

Charlie:Yeah, it's a brick-based medium. Look at that. Yeah, that's my favorite part.

Dee:That's because I got smashed by a Prius. Whoops! Yeah. I need some shin guards, I think.

Charlie:You gotta say, "Yes, chef," "No, chef," "On your left, chef," "Corner, chef." These kind of things. It's gotta work that way, Dee.

Mac:The illegality of what we're doing is spicy enough to get me off.

Mac:This is Flaming Pepper, new truck on the rotation. We're only about a block away. We're gonna stop by.

Dennis:Now you're not microdosing anymore. You've slipped into macrodosing.

Mac:Macrodosing. That's cool 'cause it's my name.

Ma'am, you're gonna... you're gonna wanna keep that knee lukewarm. You're gonna wanna take short, shallow breaths.

Patient:Oh, my eye is burning.

Mac:Was there something on your thumb? It's probably unrelated.

Dennis:You wanna pop that sweater off?

Patient:What? No, I need to rinse my eye.

Dennis:Well, the sweater needs to come off.

Mac:Yeah, let's make her unconscious.

Dennis:Why?

Mac:I feel like this is becoming a whole thing.

Dennis:She definitely wants to bang me, dude.

Mac:Yeah, I think so.

Charlie:Spice pot is spicy but needs more peppers. Peppers coming up. More peppers. I needed a "Yes, chef" there.

I don't think he's gonna make it. Looks like he's gonna die.

Should we pepper?

You want some pepper, sir?

Charlie:Anything for my first responders. My guy. My guy. My guy.

Dennis:Getting high on your own supply over there?

Dennis:A lot of blood in my line of work too.

Charlie:Well, there shouldn't be.

Dennis:Yeah, but you get the finger.

Charlie:I got Frank once or twice.

Mac:I'm sensing an opportunity to smash all of these ideas together... and really spice up our lives. Now I'm gonna float out something that I believe to be... a very reasonable proposition.

Frank:Popcorn ceiling, right next to the highway. This place is trash.

Dee:Oh. Guess what, bozo? I don't care whether you eat it or not, but if you don't tip me, I'm taking out the other eye.

Mac:Snake bite. That's kind of exciting. Whoa! That's very interesting to me. I've always wanted to suck out snake venom, you know this.

Got a possible code W59 in progress at Snyder and Pattison.

Mac:Pepper? Pattison? That's like right here. Pepper? Pepper, anyone?

Oh! W59? What is that?

Snake bite.

The Lawyer:What's in that?

Frank:That is 100% juiced Carolina Reaper tea.

Frank:I got him. Got him. Reaper tea.

Mac:Bamboléo. Bamboléo. Bamboléo. Bamboléo. Bamboléo.

Charlie:Goddamn it, Dennis. You have to yell "corner!" I can't see.

Dennis:What?

Charlie:Goddamn it! I think I overdosed on the peppers.

Mac:I swear there were other people there. I was strapped into a gurney. I passed out. Uh, they must have put me in an EMT uniform and-and-and fled the scene.