The Gang Runs for Office

These things are hilarious. - These are priceless. - What are you guys lookin'at? - Uh, Garbage Pail Kids. - Heavin' Steven.

Are those those stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things? Uh, no. They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

No. These are, like, an investment. This is my future here, so don't mess with them.

We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax.

Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat who's gonna blast me in the ass... or the Republican who's blasting my ass? Politics is just one big ass blast.

It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast.

I mean, you have to be a real low-life piece of shit... to get involved in politics.

South Philly, Zone 2, District 37 Comptroller. - Nice. What's a comptroller?

Take a look at that hair... Kennedy hair. Note the bone structure. It's like a young J.F.K.

You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area. - Five head.

Deandra, a woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. - Awful. - How is she awful? - Hates freedom.

It's too late. I already have the clipboard.

What does an intern do? - Cut limes. - Stock glasses. - Serve drinks.

You are way too old. Politics is a young man's game.

Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager... raise their hand. - The people have spoken. You're out.

That's politics? That's politics? This is wonderful. This is just wonderful. You know what? I'm walkin' outta here. I don't need this shit. I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation. Show you, bitches.

Full of hoboes, Dennis. A lot of hoboes.

This is a brilliant idea... 'hobo-vertising.'

You gotta be shakin' hands. You gotta be kissin' babies. - I don't like babies.

Take him down. - This is a goddamn coup!

Don't take it personally, Dad. That's just politics.

You look like a dick in that tiny jacket.

We'll get this bribe... and we'll shove it right in your brother's face.

Let me get this straight. You want to try and solicit a bribe? - The bangs, they... The five head.

You know, like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit. - Sorry to disappoint you. - You're, like, a couple of nerds.

Oh. I see what you're doin'. Okay. Nobody here is a criminal. No, sir.

We're being listened to. Bugged. The feds. I get it. I read. I see movies. I understand.

I've got a better idea. Let's screw this son of a bitch. - He called us nerds, Gary. - Nerds.

Absolutely. I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em over to Iraq... make 'em fight the terrorists.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind... if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it. - Excuse me? - Oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

If you give me the baby, I could get it over with. - I said no! - Goddamn it! Just give me the baby!

I think I look like a whore. - I'm trying to make you sexy. - This is not sexy. - What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look. The tossled look. The ruffled look. You look like you just got...

Now, Daddy hates to say this, but... I think we should talk about the breasts.

'Oh, don't hurt my baby.' Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby. You know what I mean? Goddamn Dennis. Fire me?

I'll probably stab you in your throat. - Jesus Christ! Stab me in my throat?

Who's the nerd now, bitch? - That was fun. I feel like a gangster. - Shut up, Gary.

I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair. - All right! Oh, God! - You don't have the jawline.

We're gonna shoot a commercial, get it on public access, get the message out. - It's a million-dollar bill pal.

I could be a legitimate politician. - Really do some good in Philadelphia. - You've never done any good for anybody ever! - You're just jealous!

Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did. - That's politics, bitch.

Dude, you and my dad share this futon? - No. No, we... No, we got a whole different situation worked out.

I can't read these words. They're not in the right order. - I think you might be dyslexic.

Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot.

Taxes. They'll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

Check out the goods to my right. This pretty little lady is not only my daughter. She happens to be your biggest opponent in the election.

Beauty and the beast.

Are you trying to solicit a bribe from me? - I don't know. Am I?

but you're doing it with the subtlety of a baboon.

my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man. - You're fired.

When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland... he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenage camper.

Dennis Reynolds... baby rapist. Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.

Rape? I was accused of... Okay, statutory, first of all. Not... I kissed her. She was a year younger than me.

You clearly have a learning disability, dude.

Not gonna happen. I want that tape. - I'm gonna need you to beg. - You gotta beg.

Charlie traded me his whole collection... of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape.

That is politics, bitch.

Who's the slut? - Another one of your whores? Who do you think you are... Bill Clinton? You're a comptroller.

Oh, yeah. I googled 'comptroller.' Turns out that this guy's really just a glorified accountant.

I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you. - Well, that was stupid.

Bit of an overreaction, don't you think? - You look like a whore.

I need to make Dennis disappear. - Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about. - Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing, man.

Retard. I'm talking about taking Dennis to Atlantic City... for a couple of days until the election is over.

If we used piano wire on him for a sec... As long as we hurt him a little bit...

Apparently, you called him a nerd, Mac. - Some people don't take kindly to that type of insult.

They're gonna tear through you like Kleenex.

Are you soliciting a bribe from me? - Sorry, pal. That's politics.

Are you soliciting a bribe from me? Sorry, pal. That's politics.