Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia

Charlie, the thinner the TV, the better the TV. That's just a straight-up fact.

"The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm" - "It has none"

"There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at any moment". That's good, right?

That's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate. But, while danger may linger, I'm the levelheaded bouncer that keeps violence in check, like Swayze in Roadhouse. I'm the cooler.

In check? There have been many stabbings in here. I feel unsafe here every single day.

Well, stabbings have been down, though.

Yeah, I absolutely called him a faggot, but he ordered chardonnay. What was I supposed to do?

can you ask your friend to put down that hammer, please?

Uh, yeah, don't let the hammer throw you, Corman. We are classy, interesting people.

we will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers

You're all out of time, bitch. Boom. You just got fazed. This just in, Poo-Poo Pants.

That looks better. We're not dangling anything. That's very white trash.

What? You kidnapped Corman?

First, I was angry. Then, I was drinking. Next thing I know, I'm following this guy home and forcing him into the trunk of his own car.

Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay, so he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone. But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been

Easy, we roll him up in a rug. Where are we gonna get a rug? We buy a big Oriental rug, and we roll him up in it.

This is not a kidnapping. No! But we do need to keep him here for a couple of hours so he doesn't do anything irrational. Just borrowing him.

Okay, but can we establish that I'm the cooler?

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man. I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know, and this time, maybe add a few less lies.

Come on, man. See, he's twisting everything I say around. He's making me look like an asshole.

I used the last of the tape. If you untie him, that tape's not gonna stick back up.

I saw that! I saw that! You're out of here, bro.

is he going to Cancun or Canada? You gotta pay attention to the details. This is how people get caught.

Hi, this is Mehar. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message after the beep. Peace.

Like this pool cue. Here we go. [pool cue breaks] Okay, normally, that wouldn't happen unless I wanted it to.

In fact it's so clean I would say you could eat out of these urinals.

[Charlie eats from urinal] Bro, I really... I just pissed in there, like five minutes before you came in.

I have to prove a point!

Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his... Whoa, dude! I'm not touching his dick.

We'll both do it. That way it's equally weird for both of us.

Did he get a little bit hard on us? I just felt like you got a little bit...

Well, there was this a slight mix-up with the apartments. This is Corman's neighbor Mehar.

I'm sorry... I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping.

which is that I locked the keys in the trunk just now.

There he goes again. I didn't know he was so funny.

Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that? Boom! You got fazed again, Corman.

I just want to make sure you got the total picture on me 'cause I do drive a Range Rover.

I don't know, "Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat screen TV... I took a look at it. It's very, very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person".

The headline might be: "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy".

It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.

Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now, okay?

There is a slope in the ground, and I didn't... I wasn't calibrating that great.

Here's the plan. I've been thinking about this. Okay, we give them amnesia. It's so easy, here how you do it. You smash them both over the head with a bottle.

They wake up thinking it was all a dream.

I touch his dick. Mac, we touched his dick.

Well, we'll see who's the idiot when he wakes up tomorrow and doesn't remember a thing.

I don't think that's how it works, Charlie. It's definitely not how it works, man.

"I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills"

"leaving 'em to live in the hell on earth that they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."

I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention our names. I feel like we go talk to him, again.

We're capable of being civils, right ? Let's just, you know... Communication is the key, it make sens. Uh, my hammer again.