Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life

Charlie:I was also trying to do a little light reading, and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps.

You were eating the cheese, weren't you, out of the rat traps?

Charlie:No! Well, yes. I mean, I was eating the old cheese to test it, see why the rats weren't eating it.

I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle.

Charlie:I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee.

Charlie:To spy the waitress.

Dennis:I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits, and I was going to unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.

Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures.

Charlie:You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard?

Dennis Reynolds:An Erotic Life

Dennis:I removed my robe and stood before her... taut, nubile, proud.

Dennis:I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty.

Mac:This is some sweet smut! I'm all boned up over here.

Mac:Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!

Mac:And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ miraculously appearing on your hands and feet!

Mac:We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen!

Charlie:I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. It gets freezing in here at night, all right?

Charlie:Frank was supposed to empty that.

Dee:Totally, no wonder! It reeks in here!

Charlie:There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine cat food, beer and glue. It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired.

Charlie:I have 50 cats howling outside my window because I have 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?!

Charlie:It's starting right on time. If I were you, I'd start wolfing that shit down.

Charlie:Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee.

Charlie:Those are solutions to problems.

Dee:Oh, God! There's evil twins in the hallway, and a twitching junkie in...

Mac:What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey.

Frank:I brought a nail gun.

Dee:It's, like, 'Hey, everybody, look at me. I'm one part robot, three parts asshole'.

Audience Member:Jesus Christ!

Charlie:Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible! Why would you do that?

Charlie:Cheese is funny thing. Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, 'What is cheese? Where does it come...?

Fake Sinbad:My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house! When you in Sinbad house, you my bitch!

Fake Sinbad:That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

Frank:I just offered to buy it.

Mac:Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed.

Frank:I will put my foot down right now. You are not going in there with that cancer thing!

Frank:Mr. Bovine Joni himself.

Mac:Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi.

For the record, when you go through chemo, your beard hair falls out, too.

Dennis:Not only do I consider it magnificent, but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good.

Frank:You don't know how tough it is being me. Try walking a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me.

Frank:I've been pissing in the fountain for 50 years. To get back at their kids.

Frank:Memoires are back. The story with the doush bag, the public eats that shit.

This dude broke in here, running around, talking about memoires and Sinbad.

Fake Sinbad:No, you don't, bitch! Wake up! Yeah, you in hell, all right! I'm Jesus.