The Gang Gets Quarantined

Dennis:Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men, please let us win your contest. We sound, eh, pretty good.

Dennis:Frank, we're not gonna die of the flu because we're young and vital. You are old and feeble.

Dennis:'Cause you know what you can't do when you get the flu? Sing? Sing. Sing.

Mac:Quarantine, baby! All right, this is gonna be good. Everybody find a spot to put your sleeping bags and we'll be all set.

Frank:You know, you don't have to sleep together. It's a comfort thing.

Dennis:Oh, my God, for the last time, we're not playing quarantine, this is a quarantine.

Mac:Huh? I'm gonna get so blacked out.

Frank:Going house to house, handling money, banging lonely broads. They're filthy!

Charlie:My mom used to vaccinate me, like, every month, and I never got sick.

Dennis:The reason you didn't get sick was because you and your mom would wear those ridiculous bubble boy suits during the flu season.

Dennis:So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll say I got it from-from watching, like, a friend get blown to bits in Iraq.

Mac:And do it with a Southern accent and talk about Jesus a lot.

Religious stuttering army carnies. Who love Jesus. And watched our friends explode on stage.

Dennis:Spider-Man. That's very clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mac:Dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.

Dennis:How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph... I cut it when I found the pizza.

Dennis:I can fight off whatever stupid illness this pizza may or may not have had, all right? I'm in perfect control of my body. Just like I am with my voice. I-I-I can go from flaccid to erect at a moment's notice.

Mac:He can, I've seen it.

Dennis:Buddy, you're seeing it. You're all seeing it. 'Cause I'm doing it right now. Flaccid, erect. Flaccid, erect. Flaccid, erect.

Dennis:Not too hard, not too soft.

Mac:Like, are they bat boys or are they butlers? You don't know, but it's like a sweet look.

Charlie:Well, you said that we're all in the same outfit, right? So I'm trying to figure, like, who goes where.

Dennis:'Same' as in 'matching,' not same as in jammed into the same set of clothing.

Dee:D-D-D-Don't- Don't put me on the spot. I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

Dee:This Bible's a Bible of my daddy who just di-di-died in my-my arms of-of throat cancer, from-from eating some-some-some bad pussy.

Dennis:No snow crabs! The shells could lacerate your throats. Absolutely not.

Charlie:He can do really cool stuff with his dick, though.

Mac:You gotta ease up on talking about dicks, man. Like, it's just, it's too much by this point.

Charlie:Shit, I'm sorry, dude. I forgot, there's no opening in yours. But my mom rigged hers with a special pouch so that she could have her cocktails.

Mac:Your mom rigged her suit so she could drink booze? Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.

Charlie:My mom's not an alcoholic!

Mac:No, bro!

Charlie:She is, but it's totally cool, because it skips a generation. That's why you're not an alcoholic.

Charlie:What is this? I love it!

Mac:Oh, it's just a little dance move I've been working on. It's stupid.

Charlie:No, man, that's sweet as hell. Show me that shit.

Charlie:You got a breach! Oh, shit! Come on. Hey! Close your pit! Close your pit! Don't tell Frank.

Frank:Look at all the hair. Look at the hair. It's like a goddamn barber shop.

Frank:That's what carries the disease, Dennis-- the hair. We don't really need it. Look at us. We're evolving without it. We came from the apes, and look at us now. One day, we'll be completely hairless and totally pure.

Frank:Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there?

Dee:Yes, Frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling. I mean, will you use your head?

Dee:That's not mine.

Dennis:Trust me, Dee, if I found myself getting sick, I would simply say... 'Sickness be gone!'

Frank:Uh, movie, movie. Two, three, four, five words. Doesn't matter? Ocean's Eleven. Ocean's Twelve! Ocean's Thirteen!

Charlie:Frank, I can't concentrate when you look like this. You look ridiculous, man. It was What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

Charlie:He breached! He breached! His suit ripped in the store! He tried to do, like a power spin, and it ripped. And he probably got sick!

Dennis:Does that sound like a man who needs to be in a hospital?

Frank:Charlie, look at that. Look how clean I am.

Charlie:Dude, you look like a shriveled raisin.

Frank:When I get out of here, I'm gonna clean Philadelphia. Good. A giant cleanse.

Charlie:Well, good luck with that.

Frank:Not the city... the population.

Charlie:Please, Mac, I've been vaccinated for every disease in the book. I'm gonna be just fine. Oh, God.

Mac:I knew you drank cleaning supplies.

Charlie:Oh, no, dude, this is booze. I stash whiskey in here.

Charlie:Dee stashes warm beer in the ceiling of the back office. I keep a flask of créme de menthe behind the jukebox in the bar, it's not a big deal.

Dee:Oh, my God, you guys. You guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves into the bar. At least since we got stuck in the bathroom.

Dennis:Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That-that we never had the flu? We were just having alcohol withdrawal?

Dennis:Is it great? It means we're all alcoholics.

Mac:Ah... Yeah, yeah... right. What do we do with that information?

Dennis:What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside and keep an eye on it.

Dennis:I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking. I mean, I physically can't. No, no, not at this point. We're in, we're in too deep.

Dennis:You've got a key?! We've been in here this whole time, and you could've let us out?!

Charlie:I didn't know that we were trapped in here. I thought we were just playing quarantine.

Group:Frank? Oh, my God! What the hell did you do to yourself?

Frank:I just want to be pure.

Venue Worker:Boyz II Men? That concert is canceled.

Group:What? Why?

Venue Worker:Yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.

Group:Oh, son of a bitch! So we did this for nothing?

Dennis:I mean, guys, look, we came together in harmony. You know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather go back to the bar and get drunk, than go to some, you know, concert.

Charlie:You ready for your sponge bath?

Frank:Shit.